Friday, April 25, 2008

This Man Is Not Happy About Pacman Coming To Town

The best line has to be "Why don't they sign Osama Bin Laden? He's 6'4 and we KNOW no one can catch him!" That is a classic line from Dallas' WFAA sports guy Dale Hansen.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Nah Nah Nah Nah Nah Pacman!

The Cowboys are going to tell Pacman where to go out? Yeah this will end well.

"[Players will] tell him where to go for a good time and give him the names of various places he should avoid. They'll invite him to their frequent off-season pool and bowling outings and their weekly dinners during the season.

But the players insist they're not going to be part of Jerry Jones' security force.

They're not going to be chaperoning Pacman. Or calling him to make sure he's home by midnight. Or having the bouncers at various strip clubs phone them when he's on the premises."
Pacman should avoid anything related to clubs, bars, strippers and Nate Newton. Done and done.

Kenny Smith + Aston Martin = FAIL

We'll say one thing about Kenny Smith. The man knows how to come back from defeat. First it was Justin Timberlake and now it's British engineering.

Corporate's Got Sports In A Chokehold

Now that's a Marlboro Woman.

Tell us something we didn't know. The pure sports we love have been contaminated by corporate money. No longer is it the game you used to love where companies you knew cared about you and the game sponsored teams and leagues. Remember when Copenhagen could advertise and give away free dip? There was nothing like spitting on the head of some little kid the row below you while watching Joe Altobelli kick some dirt. To be nine again... '83 was an fine year.

In a move the NFL would applaud, bottled water has been banned from major league dugouts. It's been proven that water is bad for your health so it has been replaced with Gatorade, the "official sports drink" of MLB.
...Instructions were sent that no player could be seen drinking anything but Gatorade in the dugout. Not even Aquafina, which is the "official water" of MLB. Not even bottles of water with the labels removed.

White Sox clubhouse personnel said if players take bottled water onto the bench, all the bottled water will be removed from the clubhouse as punishment.
Well done, Bud. Whether it's steroids or water, baseball will not idly stand by and watch our children be corrupted by negative influences in the game.

We can't wait until Gatorade is replaced by Wild Turkey or Key Food brand Prune Juice.

Rich Rodriguez: A Real American Hero


If there was a reality show called Saban Idol in which college football coaches compete to be the ultimate scumbag, Rich Rodriguez would definitely make the national tour. He hasn't even coached a single game at Michigan yet and he's made enough enemies to fill up the Big House.

Lineman Justin Boren has decided to transfer to Ohio State from Michigan. He announced he was leaving Michigan a month ago due to "an erosion of family values". Whatever the fuck that means. Was he looking for a strong stance on marriage within the coaching staff? Maybe Rodriguez & Co. didn't show enough support for the Defense of Marriage Act.

Good thing Boren's not from Michigan. He could never go home again. He'll have to sit out a year and then walk-on as he cannot receive a scholarship from Ohio State.

As if that wasn't bad enough, West Virginia has released documents showing that Rodriguez pursued the Michigan job without being approached. Documents obtained through discovery in the WVU lawsuit against Rodriguez show that his representatives contacted Michigan three days before he interviewed for the head coaching job.

Nick Saban just shed a tear and said, "That's my boy."

Super Nintendo Chalmers is going pro.

It's Funny Because It's True

John Arne Riise might notice a new line on his next payslip. A handsome bonus from Chelsea Football Club.

Riise gifted Chelsea a last-minute own-goal in Tuesday's Champions League semifinal match. He may have turned the tide in Chelsea's favor for next week's second leg at Stamford Bridge. Witness the glory that is Norway.



As comical as Riise may have been, former Liverpool player/coach Phil "Big Nose" Thompson's reaction was just as priceless.



In the words of Homer Simpson, it works on so many levels.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Don't Feel Bad. Australia Can't Digest Korn Either


Since sports bloggers are coming out of the closet left and right, we might as well do the same. We're not gonna lie. There's a whole lotta melanin flowin' over here. In spite of that, we do enjoy a good metal or punk show. However we no longer see any point in being anywhere near the mosh pit. Any attempt at moshing near us will most likely be met with a kick to the knee or a sharp Shawn Bradley elbow to the temple or Adam's Apple. A hard shove is nothing but an invitation to continue moshing. We're glad we're not the only ones that feel this way.

Australian rugby league players Ben Pomeroy, Dustin Cooper, Jacob Selmes and Brett Kearney were questioned by the police after a man claimed that one of them punched him during a Korn concert in Sydney on Sunday.

"I spoke to all four of them just quickly," [Cronulla Sharks chief executive Tony] Zappia said. "I just asked them if anything happened and they said no more than anything that normally happens in a mosh pit. They said they had nothing to hide. They don't know what they're supposed to have done.
You start moshing and there's a chance you could end up face down whether you're in the pit or not. It comes with the territory. There's no crying in the mosh pit.

The players can't be blamed for their actions. I probably would have lashed out in similar fashion if I found myself at a Korn concert. However they were solid in their South Park episode.

It could have been worse. Flying scissors kicks and windmill punches would have come out if it were a P.O.D. concert. No question weapons come out at a Papa Roach concert. I'd probably save myself the trouble and use them on myself. Then again that would be selfish as everyone else would continue to suffer.

Speaking of shit bands, here's a random thought. You may not like many bands out there but few actually make you contemplate violence and destruction when you hear them. Two that do? Sugar Ray and Smashmouth. Two of the worst bands in recent history. They should be forced to apologize for what they inflicted on the world.

When Keeping Your Pimp Hand Strong Goes Wrong


Great news for Cincinnati police blotter watchers! Odell Thurman's back in the league. You can't let a solid criminal like Chris Henry leave without replacing him. That's just good personnel work by Marvin Lewis and Bengals management. It's almost the Thunderdome way. One man enter, one man leave. They're visionary like Bill Walsh. Their core of criminals policy is as innovative as the West Coast offense.

The Seattle Seahawks know a great system when they see it. They have yet to master the criminal revolving door but they're getting there. It's an added bonus when you can replace a departing player from within the organization. Exit Jerramy Stevens. Enter Rocky Bernard.

Bernard was arrested for assaulting his ex who is also the mother of his child in a nightclub parking lot on Monday morning.

The former girlfriend and a friend said they saw Bernard, who turned 29 on Saturday, in an "altercation" with another woman at Ibiza, a club at 528 Second Ave. Bernard then walked toward the former girlfriend and punched her in the forehead with a closed fist, causing her head to strike a glass divider, according to a police report.

The victim, 22, and friend told police they ran to a car to get away. Bernard allegedly followed them as they shut the car doors and pounded the windows as they drove away, according to a police report.
In a strange way, his ex must feel a bit of pride knowing that Bernard would drop an altercation with another woman just to start one with her. It's clear he's not over her yet.

The Bengals must be wondering how Bernard slipped under their radar. Maybe they tried to sign him but the attraction of foam parties in Ibiza was too strong to resist.

You Can Take That To The Bank


Arvin Edwards would probably tell you that it helps if you take clean money to the bank instead of money extorted from Pacman Jones. Edwards found out the hard way when he was arrested for being the trigger man last year on the infamous "Make It Rain" night that put Pacman on the bench last season.

Pacman told police that Edwards extorted $15,000 from him after the NBA All-Star weekend shooting in Vegas. He paid the money on the advice of his friends who told him that Edwards would come after him if he didn't pay.

Police alleged in the documents that one of the go-betweens told Jones that if he refused to pay, the accused shooter would "go after Jones, his mother and daughter."

A childhood friend also contacted Jones, urging him to pay the money, the document said.
The money was paid in two installments after being given to a childhood friend who passed it on (presumably after taking a cut).

Edwards was charged with three counts of attempted murder with a weapon and three counts of battery with substantial bodily harm. There's no word on whether Pacman paid the money with garbage bags filled with bills of various denominations. Only if he could have bounced a stripper's head on the stage after paying. Ah memories.

Monday, April 21, 2008

At Least It's Not Called Rumors


Pro Athlete. Check.

Douchebags. Check.

Clich├ęd bar name. Check.

Welcome to Dale Ernhardt's Whiskey River. Your columnist wants to know if she can get a Malibu and Coke. She'll fit right in. As they say in Austin, "I love Malibu!! I know!!"

Das Ist Nicht Gut For The Mavs

Guess who TNT thinks is soft?


If you guessed last year's MVP, you'd be correct.

During the TNT telecast of the Toronto-Orlando game Sunday, Magic Johnson, Charles Barkley and Kenny Smith criticized Nowitzki for not responding when West tapped him on the face a couple of times during a confrontation late in the game. West was upset because Nowitzki caught West on the lip with an elbow, although it did appear to be accidental.

"You can't let a man put his hand on your face in the playoffs," Johnson said.

"I love Dirk Nowitzki," Barkley said. "Terrific, great player. But they're trying to say to you, 'We think you're soft.' That's what it means.... You've got to slap his hand down, and then you got to say, 'Hey, let that guy drive to the basket' and then you've got to knock the hell out of him."

Smith said: "You have to punish them on the next couple of plays. The ball has to come to Dirk now, and he has to say, 'You know what? I'm going to really punish you for the disrespect of putting your hands in my face.'"
Dirk knows nothing about becoming the ubermensch. Maybe he's afraid of transcending. Nietzsche would be disappointed.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Cruz Beckham Says Have A Great Weekend


See you Monday. Time for some outdoor drinking.