Showing posts with label Chelsea. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Chelsea. Show all posts

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Wayne Rooney's Cougar

The US looks just swell in the under-20 World Cup. Freddy Adu looks like a world beater (sort of) and we have our own off-brand Zizou called Zizzo. I've probably jinxed them for today's game.

You're getting a reduced roundup this week because I have no time and I'm not going to start with all the rumors ... unless we're talking about Super Frank getting nice in Vegas. If there's anything to be learned from the world of soccer this week, it's that quitting because you're not getting picked for the team is not quitting.

All Hail Lord Beckham

Enough with the sexually suggestive dancing! Bring me my ranch dressing hose!

The Galaxy are bending over (not sure which way) to make David Beckham's debut one for the ages. In addition to charging up to $500 for field-side tickets to Beckham's debut against Chelsea on the 21st, they've made renovations to the Home Depot Center such as putting an invitation-only club called The Underground under the stadium. It's surprising that they didn't go with Galaxy After Dark.

It gets much better.

...Travel plans have a smartly attired Galaxy squad clad in matching suits, with players rotating to fly first class next to David Beckham for the sake of team unity.
Instead of a ranch dressing hose, Beckham will demand service from Landon Donovan every hour on the 8's like The Weather Channel. Nothing brings a team together like having the star player fly first class while the rest of the team rides bitch.

Apparently Alexi Lalas thinks he can fool Goldenballs into thinking the Galaxy are on the same level as Real Madrid. Wait until they travel to Kansas City to play the Wizards on a Chinatown bus.

This setup is a sham just like the time when the Budweiser truck pulled up to the building during the first week of law school and lulled us into thinking everything was going to be great in spite of what everyone told us. The truck never showed up again and our asses started hurting for some unknown reason.

The Deuce expects the douche factor to be through the roof on the 21st. In spite of that, I'm hitting the road next week and heading out to LA where I'll have a report from the match as well as from the rest of Chelsea's tour.

The Cop-Out

Here's another old video of an athlete showing some skills on the mic. Your favorite praying mantis and mine, Liverpool's Peter Crouch.

Ballhype: hype it up!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Oh What A Feeling When We're Dancing On The Ceiling

"Oy! Sing Caribbean Queen!"
"Pipe down, Frankie! It's my wedding! Killer on the Rampage!"
"Eff off, guv! Make 'im sing both!"
"I’ve only got two more songs, please stick with me."
"Fuck off. It's my wedding and you'll sing what I bloody well want you to sing! Carefree wherever I may be, I am the famous CFC and I don't give a fuck wherever I may be (my wedding!). I am the famous CFC!"

Poor Lionel Richie. He gets almost £250,000 to fly over to England to perform at Chelsea and England captain John Terry's wedding and all hell breaks loose. The Sun reports that Richie was mercilessly heckled by wedding guests during his set.

The superstar was stunned when he was heckled by some of the multi-millionaire footballers at the lavish bash.

Lionel admitted afterwards that he thought he had taken a wrong turn and ended up in a local working men’s club rather than a WAG’s wedding.

The crooner was paid almost £250,000 to play at the reception at Blenheim Palace at the special request of bride Toni Poole.

But after his first song he had to ask guests — who included Wayne Rooney...Jamie Carragher and Frank Lampard — to pipe down.
They didn't even wait for him to start his second song "Hello" before they started "chanting back to him as if they were on the football ground terraces" after drinking copious amounts of champagne during the reception.

Terry's wife Toni was close to tears as she thought was would lose out on a wedding picture contract with OK! Magazine when Richie made a mistake and mentioned Hello magazine instead before he started his set.

Wayne Rooney's WAG, Colleen was desperately trying to keep his drinking under control.
A source said: “Coleen put him on a strict drinking ban.

“When the waiters were coming around offering more to drink she kept taking Wayne’s glass from him and saying, ‘He’s had enough’.

“The lads downed glasses of champagne like shots of shorts before the meal.

“She didn’t want the trouble she’s had with him before at big events when he’s had one too many.”
I'm sure Gary Neville and Michael Carrick's wedding was a more somber affair. After all, such affairs are not approved by the Church of England.
Ballhype: hype it up!

Monday, June 18, 2007

Wayne Rooney's Cougar

If I wanted to watch shit like this, I could have gone to Sunderland.

I don't know about you but I think Thierry's aging pretty fast and morphing into Russell Simmons.

Welcome back to the soccer/football roundup. It's supposed to be a regular feature on the Deuce but I forgot about my lazy. I'm about as committed to excellence as the Raiders. Instead I promise you the same title so that you'll always recognize it whenever it shows up. Let's kick it off with Wazza.

You Gotta Eat Lightning and Crap Thunder

Alternatively you can eat sky blue and crap red. Ricky Hatton fans who support Manchester City are up in arms over Hatton's plans to have his boy Wayne Rooney carry one of his championship belts into the ring in Vegas when he takes on Jose Luis Castillo.

Some fans with tickets are threatening to boycott the fight if Rooney appears in the ring. It would be one thing if Joey Barton were still around but City fans are showing the smarts that have taken them to the heights of the bottom half of the table. Yeah that's it. I'll buy a plane ticket to Vegas and a ticket to the fight but I'll say eff it if Rooney shows up. I bet the Gallagher brothers are involved in this scheme.

Rio Ferdinand, Wes Brown, Joe Cole, Jamie Carragher, Shawn Wright-Phillips and David Dunn are expected to watch the fight in person. Our money's on Rio making it rain at some point this weekend.

Bobby Zamora Drinks Lead Paint

What other explanation could there be for Zamora pretending a friend was driving his car in order to avoid getting a speeding ticket when camera footage showed he was the one driving? He was arrested and freed on bail on suspicion of perverting the course of justice. Kind of like when Ric Ocasek married Paulina Porizkova. Hey oh! Zing!

Jose Don't Like The Africans So Much

Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho says he's finished signing African players.
"African players are excellent technically and are natural fighters but when you have a lot of them you have to say stop, no more.

"Losing them can kill your team at a crucial time. If someone asks me do I want more African players, I'd say no."
That ain't even right, Jose. Letting a tournament come between you and some Africans.
Ballhype: hype it up!

Monday, June 4, 2007

Shake Your Butt And Do The Bartman

Some village found their idiot over the weekend. Danish soccer fan "R" apologized for attacking a referee during closing minutes of the Euro 2008 qualifier between Denmark and Sweden on Saturday. He was angry at the ref for giving Denmark's Christian Poulson a red card for punching a Swedish player in the stomach. Check the hilarity.

Denmark came back from 3-0 to tie the game. After the attack, the ref called the game and awarded Sweden a 3-0 win.

Sweden should make R an honorary citizen as he's pretty much killed Demark's chance of making the Euro finals next year. Steve Bartman feels your pain. Congratulations, you're now the most hated person in Denmark.

R might also consider getting a shirt that fits or rock a Denmark singlet.

Claudio's All Growns Up Now

Juventus named tinkerman extraordinaire Claudio Ranieri as their new manager today. He takes over from Didier Dechamps who stepped down before he was fired in late May.

It had been rumored that Ranieri would take the Manchester City job once a rumored takeover went through but he apparently the chance to take over a corrupt team that can't fill its ground was too good to turn down.

"I wasn't expecting it, but you can't say no to Juve," the Italian said. "Juventus is a huge opportunity for me."
He went on to say,
"There's an ambitious plan," Ranieri said. "The fans should stay calm, we'll make them feel proud of what Juve accomplishes in Italy ... and then in Europe."
What he was really saying was that Juve intends to increase their payments to ensure their stay in Serie A and their Champions League spot.

Moving to a big club means that Claudio won't have time to pursue his budding movie career.

Geoffrey From The Fresh Prince Wants To Return To Bel Air

Television spin-offs are great. Who can forget great ones like Three's A Crowd, She-Ra, Flo and Enos?

Chelsea midfielder Claude Makelele is thinking about following David Beckham to the US if he can't sort out his contract situation. He has one year left on his contract and the emergence of younger players like Lassana Diarra and John Mikel Obi will limit his first team opportunities.

I can see it now. Geoffrey on his own in the big city without Master William and the rest of the Banks. Playing soccer with his pathetic, rec league MLS team, solving mysteries with fast talking, hard living sidekick Clint Mathis. I'm sure it'll last as long as the Cosby Mysteries or The Love Boat: The Next Wave.

Tell Us Something We Don't Know

Liverpool steals from children. No shit.

"William Gaillard, Uefa's director of communications, branded Liverpool supporters as the worst behaved in Europe after revealing that a detailed dossier compiled by undercover police officers blamed the English for the chaos at the Champions League final in Athens."
"The incidents involving Liverpool fans have been well known to us before the trouble at the Champions League final. This was just the latest example. What other set of fans steal tickets from their fellow supporters or out of the hands of children? We know who caused most of the trouble in Athens," he said. "There have been 25 incidents involving Liverpool fans away from home since 2003 and those are in the report - most teams' supporters do not cause any trouble at all."
Liverpool shirts were quick to paint Galliard and UEFA as biased. A team spokesman blamed UEFA for the distubances.
"The shortcomings in the management of the situation in Athens were apparent to anyone who was there and this latest statement from Uefa should not deflect attention from that reality."
After all UEFA were the ones that transported all the fans without tickets, ripped tickets from supporter hands and tried to gain entry with fake tickets and photocopied press passes. Fans without tickets were warned not to travel to Athens but thousands showed up anyway and prevented fans with real tickets from gaining entry. Perhaps UEFA should have opened the doors and let all the fans in.
Ballhype: hype it up!

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Where My Dogs At

Yesterday the Deuce brought you the story of Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho holding it down for his dog, Gullit. He was willing to go to jail for his dog and like Henry Hill, he didn't snitch. Paulie, The Lox, a Yorkshire Terrier, whatever. You think it don't be like it is but it do.

Mourinho took one for the team but now Gullit is missing and Paddy Power is offering a reward for his safe return. They're offering £500 for his return but it's not a cash prize. The £500 is good towards a "free bet on Chelsea winning the FA Cup Final".

At odds of 17/10 on Chelsea winning the FA Cup the £500 stake could be boosted to £1350 for the dog-finder.
Paddy Power is not only offering a reward but they're also offering odds on where Gullit will be found.
Where Will The Mourinho’s Terrier Be Found?

4/1 On the Kings Road
8/1 Inside Jose’s manbag
10/1 Battersea Dog’s Home
12/1 Stamford Bridge
12/1 Paddy Power’s Kings Road shop
14/1 Chelsea’s training ground in Cobham
25/1 Wembley
50/1 Wimbledon dog track
80/1 At Huddersfield Town’s Galpharm Stadium - Home of The Terriers
100/1 In the boot of Roman Abramovich’s car
100/1 In Alex Ferguson’s office
250/1 Playing with the Queen’s corgis at Buckingham Palace
500/1 London Zoo
500/1 Isle of Dogs
500/1 In a Damien Hirst exhibition
1000/1 In The FA Cup on Cup Final Day

This could be one of the most brilliant betting scenarios laid out in recent history.

Since we alluded to it...

Ballhype: hype it up!

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Mutu's Drug Mule

As the football season winds down in Europe, we wonder what we're going to do during the offseason besides join in the absurd rumormongering that goes on in the European press. You can expect nothing less from us. Here's hoping that overpaid, under-educated footballers will get themselves in stupid, embarrassing situations for our amusement.

Get Out Of My Belly

It looks like the pressure's getting to Fat Freddy Shepherd. Every good thing that happens to Newcastle seems to be followed by a corresponding cockpunch and twist. Every big name signing seems to drop as though Screwface put some bad mojo on them. The casualty list topped by Obafemi Martins, Michael Owen, Damien Duff and Scott Parker is rather impressive.

Shepherd met with former Bolton manager Big Sam Allardyce
at Claridge's in London yesterday. Allegedly an offer to manage Newcastle was made and accepted with some details yet to be worked out. Both sides agreed that they were close to an agreement that would have Big Sam take over the "big club" otherwise known as Newcastle United.

Once Shepherd has his man, he can return his focus to Owen who has a £9million buyout clause in his contract. It's rumored that he wants a return to Liverpool which he left to win silverware. he hasn't won anything while Liverpool has won the Champions League and FA Cup. Shepherd isn't too pleased about this especially as the club has stood by him through all his injury problems.

If you didn't hear Shepherd's response, he said, "I'll fucking carry him back for you...for
£9million". Solid Freddy solid. Good to see he has a sense of humor about the situation.

Thanks to Who Ate All The Pies for pointing us to the video.

Chelsea Institute Affirmative Action Plan

Noting the lack of redheads on Jose Mourinho's squad, Chelsea is close to signing Reading midfielder Steve Sidwell. Sidwell is scheduled to undergo a medical on Monday at Stamford Bridge and is being held out of Reading's final match against Blackburn tomorrow.

Oh, the back tattoo. Yeah...those are his wedding vows. Steve O's tattoo puts this soft ass shit to shame.

United Shame English Football With Weak Celebration

By the hammer of Thor, has football come to this? Gazza's liver must be turning in his torso.

Manchester United players celebrated their one-year Premiership trophy loan deal by going out on the town and running up a bar tab of....wait for it...
£8,500. Most of it went towards Cristal.

Some players carried on the party at striker Wayne Rooney's mansion in Prestbury, Cheshire.

A source said: “The lads had a great time - and even let some of the local girls join the party and enjoy the champers."
Champers?? What the fuck? Then again, they do carry manbags. No debauchery? No fights? No making it rain?

Maybe they took it easy because they didn't want to get whiskey dick before roasting the over-50 local girls Rooney invited back to his crib.

Vegas Baby

Telly Savalas will rise from his grave if the MLS follows through and finally does the right thing.

The Las Vegas Sun reports that the Las Vegas Sports and Entertainment Group is trying to bring an MLS franchise to Vegas by 2010. The group "
hopes to build a high-tech, state-of-the-art stadium with a retractable roof that will be linked with a casino."

The group would ask for no public financing and the stadium would be available for other uses besides soccer.

There's no team name but the name "Silver Spurs" is being tossed around like a dwarf. No team should have anything in common with Tottenham Hotspur. The Deuce suggests the name Hustlers. It works on so many (two) levels.

By the way, does anyone know where we can find Player's Club cards? We've looked everywhere.
Ballhype: hype it up!

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Wayne Rooney's Cougar

It's been a while since we've had a soccer roundup. Trapper John apologized for the three of us so you can go fuck yourself if you're looking for anything apology related. Snake venom gathering is not an easy job. It requires complete concentration and an easily disposable Dalit for testing purposes. Hmm perhaps I've said too much....How about that local sporting team?

Pikeys Don't Just Like Caravans

They also like cars. BMWs. David "Goldenballs" Beckham's BMW to be exact. His X5 was stolen over a year ago in Madrid by a gang that targeted luxury cars as if there's a gang targeting Gremlins, Trablants and Yugos. They're from Basque country and really shouldn't be trusted like ETA.

The car was tracked to Macedonia and it's being driven by Interior Minister Gordana Jankulovska. Gordana isn't about to give the car up without a fight. She says if it's his, she'll give it back but Police Spokesman Ivo Kotevski said,

“Before it reached Macedonia, the vehicle had changed hands 20 times in Spain, so we have no proof that it belonged to Beckham.”
The only way to settle this is a bareknuckle boxing match. 50 quid on anyone named Gordana. The Deuce looks forward to Goldenballs being sold to some Albanians as a sex slave after he loses the match. They'll love him in Greek Macedonia or Turkey.

Anything Goes When It Comes To Hoes

Good old Wazza. He'll take 'em 8 to 80, dumb, crippled and crazy. Can't leave them cougars alone and now they're coming back on their Rascals to bite him in the ass.

A book detailing Rooney's rough sex with prostitutes is about to come out and he's a bit freaked out as you might imagine. The Sun says the book will be titled Roo Unzipped.

It's a well known fact that Rooney likes them old and dusty like the Auld Slapper but he's also not afraid to rob the uterus by sleeping with hookers in their mid to late 30s.
"I pretended I was getting turned on. Making the noises and going through the motions.

“But really I was thinking of Pot Noodles and which one to have after he’'d finished – chicken and mushroom or the beef one?

“Wayne didn’'t turn me on at all.– He was ugly."

Tip top, Roo!!

Just Win, Baby

Al Davis could learn something from Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho. You'd never catch the Special One drafting Robert Gallery or Napoleon Kaufman. You'll also never see him let something like a bullshit suspension or ban keep him from bringing the truth to the starting 11.

The Times has shed light on how Jose beat the suspension placed on him two years ago during the Champions League quarterfinals when Chelsea played Bayern Munich. He was banned from the bench for making allegations against referee Anders Frisk in the previous round which turned out to be true. The racism-accepting, corrupt hypocrites otherwise known as UEFA buried a report showing the allegations to be true.

Here's an excerpt from the article. It's long but well worth the read.

For the first leg at Stamford Bridge, Mourinho arrived early enough to get in position. He watched the game on a television in the dressing-room and, during the first half, communicated to his staff in the dugout by radio or telephone. “You can get mobile reception in the dressing-room,” the source said. “It depends what network and in what room.”

At the time, television commentators spotted and commented on the fact that Rui Faria, the fitness coach, had a strange kink in his bobble hat and repeatedly scratched his ear. It was the sort of kink that could be caused by a wire and earpiece. “It was so obvious, to keep playing with your ear like that,” the source said.

Suspicious of skulduggery going on under their noses, Uefa officials went down to the tunnel, but by then the players were back in the dressing-room and listening to a team talk from their manager.

One source claims that knowing that the listening device had been rumbled, Chelsea simply used more rudimentary communication in the second half. It was noted at the time that Silvinho Louro, the goalkeeping coach, made several trips back to the dressing-room. “He’s a nervous spectator,” a source close to Mourinho joked at the time, but Louro kept coming back with bits of paper that were passed to the other coaches. Whatever the pieces of paper contained, they tended to coincide with substitutions.

Mourinho was not waiting for the players at the end of the match, which Chelsea won 4-2, because he had already allegedly clambered into one of the kit skips. He was wheeled out of the dressing-room by members of the backroom staff and, it is believed, back into the leisure club in the Chelsea Village hotel at the ground, where it had been reported that he spent the entire evening.

In a passable impression of Inspector Clouseau, Uefa’s hapless officials left none the wiser. Insiders claim Mourinho was so thrilled that he joked openly about his trip in the skip in front of his players at training the next morning.

In the second leg, at the Olympic Stadium in Munich, there was a greater risk of detection if he tried to enter the dressing-room. The sources allege that Mourinho went into the stands to watch but, apparently flustered by the close attention of a camera crew, he quickly departed for the team hotel.

The privacy might have been useful. The Timeshas been told that a speaker had been set up in the dressing-room so that he could talk to the players over the telephone at half-time. “There was a massive speaker,” a source said. “José was at the hotel.” Uefa’s representatives had surpassed themselves yet again by approaching Faria to check if there was anything under his hat. There wasn’t.

In a recent biography to which Mourinho contributed, he boasted about how he overcame a touchline ban during his days at FC Porto by sending messages to his assistants from his seat in the stands via “a small, sophisticated telecommunications device”. He even listed the precise instructions, which included: “Tell Deco [the Porto midfield player] I’m p****d off, I want more!” and, “Pressure on linesman, everybody.”

Art Shell, Norv Turner or Bill Callahan don't know shit about Commitment to Excellence.

When he's not busy beating evil Germans or the Scousers, he's steppin' to wrestlers. Watch around 5:35.

Ballhype: hype it up!

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Touchdown United!!!

Who says the Amish don't have a positive effect on Manchester United? The proof was in the Champions League match between Manchester United and Roma at Old Trafford earlier today. United was down 2-1 after the first leg in Rome and needed a winning result and at least a 2-0 result (I think cause I can't add too good) to go through to the semi-finals.

Sir Alex Ferguson threw the Romans for a loop by ignoring goals and scoring a touchdown in one of the most stunning Champions League results in recent memory. United won 7-1 and advanced to the semifinals where they await the winner of the Bayern Munich - AC Milan match tomorrow.

Girlie man Cristiano Ronaldo and overpriced Michael Carrick scored two apiece. Leeds reject Alan Smith, Wayne Rooney and Patrice Evra each had one to finish the beatdown and send Totti and his Ciao boys back to Rome and their mamas on their lime green Vespas.

Of course, this doesn't change the fact that they'll still end up losing the league, FA Cup and Champions League to....

Alouette Chelsea Alouette

All hail the Special One. Admittedly Mustafa was nervous going into the second leg of the other Champions League quarterfinal match between Chelsea and Valencia. It was 1-1 after the first leg but the Mestalla is a tough place to play during Champions League and Valencia have shown they have what it takes to win the competition.

After a first half dominated by flashes of Valencia brilliance and a goal by Liverfool reject Fernando Morientes, Chelsea stepped their game up in the second half and leveled the match after a goal by Andriy Shevchenko.

The match appeared to be headed for extra time and possible penalties when Michael Essien, in his first match back from injury, slammed a winner past Santiago Canizares to put the famous CFC through to the semifinals where they are likely to meet their CL nemesis Liverpool who have a 3-0 lead on PSV going into tomorrow's second leg.

Ballhype: hype it up!

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Now I'm Not Sayin' He Should Have Killed Her But I Understand

Irina Malandina's only getting $300 million instead of $5 billion in her divorce settlement with Roman Abramovich. He may be worth $18 billion but that's still a huge chunk to give up in a divorce settlement. The Deuce isn't saying he should go all OJ on her but if she went out Chappaquiddick/Princess Di-style or had a bit of the polonium glow about her, we wouldn't be surprised.

The Fiver came up with a great plan to get back at Roman. She should take the settlement money and buy herself a soccer team. Then she should use the money to buy John Terry and Frank Lampard as well as entice Jose Mourinho.

This would be inexcusable. At the very least, he should sucker her back to Russia where he's a Siberian governor and do her like Mikhail Khodorkovsky.

Then again he could be like Michael Strahan and agree to a settlement that he has no intention of paying. So you gotta think about Michael's situation. $15.3 million up front, $18,000 a month, another man drivin' his car, fuckin' his wife, and a house he's still payin' a mortgage on. Oh, he's definitely breaking before Roman.

Ballhype: hype it up!

Monday, February 12, 2007

Chelsea Link-up With DC United

How's Salt Lake treating you, Freddy? It must suck being the only black guy in Utah besides Karl Malone and Carlos Boozer. Hope that magic underwear keeps you warm.

In what has to be a bitter pill, DC United and Chelsea are in link-up talks. According to Tribal Football in addition to the Mail, DC United officials are engaged in talks in London over a link-up which would give Chelsea access to college players in addition to increased access to the US and a lesson in American PR which they desperately need if their past two US tours are anything to go by.

Mustafa followed Chelsea on their east coast tour two years ago and saw them play in Philadelphia, Foxboro, New York and DC. Nothing was better than seeing the look of confusion and/or fear on Freddy's face as we chanted "You'll never play for Chelsea" and "Chelsea reject" as he collected a ball out of bounds during the match at FedEx.

The Deuce thinks links between the two clubs could pay off for DC in terms of publicity and possible chances for players to train under Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho or (more likely) in the Chelsea reserves. Who knows? Maybe we could get an old, beat-up Frank Lampard or John Terry to finish their playing days in Anacostia. Who wouldn't love that?

Ballhype: hype it up!

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Kieron Dyer's Roaster

Greetings! Glory be to the famous CFC. This post will be the first in a weekly series bringing you biased news and unsubstantiated rumors from the world of soccer. For those of you not in the know, here's an article describing roasting along with its connection to Dyer. Just set it and forget it like Ronco, girl! Anyway, let's get to it.

Barcodes Sign The Gooch

Rejoice America. No longer will the world fear our military (outside of Iraq) and mock our stars as they make asses of themselves in leagues abroad or in international competition. Dyer's team Newcastle United has signed Oguchi Onyewu a.k.a. The Gooch on loan from Standard Liege of Belgium.

There's no way he won't convince manager Glen Roeder to make the deal permanent. He'll be playing alongside or for Titus Bramble who could possibly be the worst defender in the history of the universe.

The Gooch was one of the few bright spots for the US during the World Cup and he was previously linked with Chelsea, Manchester United (manUre) and Marseille. He joins other Americans doin' their thing in the Premiership such as Brian McBride, Brad Friedel, Clint Dempsey, Tim Howard and Jay DeMerit. Make us proud and leave Arnold alone, Gooch. Feel free to kick the shit out of that red-headed stepchild Sam or Paul Dickov.

A sidenote for all you DC area peoples. Gooch is from Olney, MD so maybe he'll come back and play for DC United when he winds his international career.

Rafa Buys More Mantonios

Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez is on the verge of making three signings before the close of the transfer window later today. To everyone's surprise, all three players are from Spanish-speaking countries. It's rumored that he bought them for their flowing locks, lack of consistency and appreciation of Rioja.

Javier Mascherano has been cleared by FIFA to sign and play for Liverpool so expect to see him stealing hubcaps and radios in the next few days.

Primadonovan Still Sucks

The recent transfers of Josh Wolff (1860 Munich) and Clint Dempsey (Fulham) to Europe reinforce the fact that Landon Donovan is still a bitch and has no business being US captain let alone playing for the US. The Deuce bets he can't wait until Becks shows up in LA so he can finally learn how to wear a sari.

The transfer window closes today so the Deuce will provide updates if anyone worth talking about makes a move.

Ballhype: hype it up!