Saturday, February 2, 2008

Sheeeeeeeit, It's About Time

Clay Davis may be Bawlmer through and through but even he has to respect Art Monk. He was finally admitted to the NFL Hall of Fame along with Darrell Green after eight years of waiting. He's Washington's Nelson Mandela. Give us free!!

Maybe that's a bit much but Redskins fans including Chimp Rage must be thrilled that he's finally got his due. Now let's see about Timmy Smith and Heath Shuler.

Germany's Feeling A Bit Caliente These Days

The Jews must be thrilled that the Germans seem to be moving their attention away from the chosen people. I'll tell you who's not thrilled. Mexico.

This isn't sports-related but it's a great story. A diplomatic rift is growing between Germania and Mexico over a song. One would think Deutscheland Uber Alles would be enough to make people nervous but ze Germans have gone one step further and started attacking other countries individually through song. Finger Im Po, Mexico (translated as Finger In The Butt, Mexico) has become a hit in Germany and La Raza are not happy.

Mexican Ambassador to Germany Jorge Castro-Valle Kuehne has written a letter of protest to the song's publisher EMI.

"As I'm sure you can understand, the lyric has aroused great outrage among the members of the Mexican community living in Germany, who have a right to be angry that Mexico's name is being used in this kind of disrespectful and disgusting way."

The song was written and is performed by 34-year-old German entertainer Mickie Krause, who made his breakthrough performing works such as "Go Home, You Old Shit" and "10 Naked Hairdressers."

Krause told [German newspaper] Bild that the song had to be taken with a sense of humor. "On stage, I also sing the lyric 'Finger in the vagina, Bosnia-Herzegovina,'" he added. "And nobody has gotten worked up about that."
Just wait until Finger in the Anus, Cyprus or Finger in the Pussy, Central African Republic. Major wars have started over lesser issues.

Thanks to Glendon over at Football Roundtable for the tip.

Nobody Likes Ramming Any More Than Me

At first I thought this David Lee Roth video was the greatest thing I've seen or heard all year until this pièce de résistance. All the Zubaz in the world can't help Cory and the Fins now.

Did I just see an attempt at the wop along with more pelvic thrusting than you can shake a dick at? I feel so violated. It's like Eric Dickerson rammed me without permission.

Update: Deadspin had this linked way earlier in January, my bad Unsilent!

Friday, February 1, 2008

Super Bowl Means EAT MORE MEAT!

With the Super Bowl on Sunday you are sure to be a part of some big fancy party with all sorts of appetizers and wings and assorted meats of many kinds to go with the tasty frothy beverages of your choice. Well, the Deuce loves itself some meat, so we're here to help you out with some fine meat dishes that you might want to cook for your Super Bowl party.

1) The Meat House:
Yea, look at this thing in all its glory. Get the instructions on how to do it here, along with a bunch of tasty pictures of the construction. Know that it contains 20 sausages, 12 strips of bacon and 1 package of sausage meat. Mmmmm delicious. Do not forget to eat several packages of Tums afterwards or your stomach might very well explode

2) The Bacon Burger
Yea, that is a deep fried burger made up entirely of ground bacon. Serve with deep fried jalapenos and you are on your way, kid. Get instructions on making the burger here, and remember you'll need 1 pound of bacon stuffed with cheese and topped with more cheese to make this delicious meal. Mmmmm, a Mike Wilbon like heart attack awaits you soon after...oh, too soon?

3) Ultimate Jerky Sampler
This is a beauty, every smart man loves some excellent jerky, well now is your chance to eat some exotic jerky! In this set you get 4 oz Buffalo Jerky, 4 oz Venison Jerky, 4 oz Ostrich jerky, Elk Sticks, Buffalo Sticks and Alligator sticks. Order it up here, might not make it for the Super Bowl on Sunday, but rejoice in knowing that soon you will get all sorts of fancy jerky for the NCAA tournament. Oh wait, jerky lasts forever, save it for the super bowl next year! And send us some free samples if you're reading this guys!

4) Burger In A Can
Look at the canned burger in all of it's glory. Order it here, watch it being made and eaten here, vomit in a trash can in your own home. If you're tailgating though, this is a perfect "in case of emergency pop the top" burger. All you need is a fire and a pot of boiling water and you will have yourself a burger! Surprisingly, its not too bad...not too good either.

5) Bacon Vodka
What better to wash down your meaty meals than a few shots of Bacon infused vodka? Get the recipe here and drink it down to your own destruction at your Super Bowl party on Sunday. I cannot think of a better way to drink myself into oblivion than drinking and tasting bacon the entire time. There should be more baconated beverages out there. I want bacon beer dammit!

6. Bacon Cheeseburger Cake
Finally, a non meat product, but it sure looks like meat. Its just one gigantic cake. The recipe is here, and you can definitely have this ready for the super bowl. Nothin says lovin' like a gigantic bacon cheeseburger cake in the oven. Hells yea.

HS Girl Dunkin' All Over You

Brittney Griner is 6'8 and can dunk the ball like pretty much any 6'8 guy can. If there ever was a girl that could play in the NBA, its certainly her, i say that not because she can dunk but because she's kinda manly. She sounds like a dude and has Kevin Garnett's body, to put it bluntly, but man can she dunk. Yea, that's mean and I know she's a high school girl, but she'll face way worse when she's playing at Baylor next year. Toughen up. Anyway, have a look.

Super Bowl Logos Over The Years

Here's a picture of all the past Super Bowl logos going up until last year. Nothing really remarkable about it, not nearly as craptacular as all the past Olympic logos, the NFL really has their logo-making down pat. Just found it neat to look back at the many, quite similar logos of the Super Bowl. My favorite is Super Bowl XII, looks like a Tecmo Bowl logo or something.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Yet Another New Sport: Combaton

In the ever evolving world of sport, I have never seen anything like this. This sport is called Combaton, derived from the use of combat and a baton, and it is pretty uniquely weird. From the website:

"The object of the game is for the offense to move the baton down field and score on their opponent’s goal pole. The defense must stop the offense and end the attack by kicking the baton carrier."

So if you're scoring at home, its kinda like cricket, lacrosse, football and martial arts exhibitions all wrapped up into one. Yea, that's about right. Speaking of scoring, the points system is this: 3 points for any standing kick, 4 points for any jumping kick up to 180 degrees and 5 points for any 360 degree spinning kick. The only way to stop the guy with a baton, and thus the advance to the goal, is to kick him off his feet or just so hard an official stops the action for a reset.

As if that wasn't nutty enough, if opposing teams possess the baton at the same time, they have a freaking "Fight Off" which means the two guys get taken to a circle to battle it out over who gets the right to hold the baton. Two men enter, 1 baton leaves!!!!

So yea, potentially brutal and awesome sport but from the looks of this video, kind of a sport for really intense martial arts type peoples that like to run around quite a bit while getting their kicks off. I want to see some brutality in these videos! Watch the promo for yourself


Aussie F@ckin Rules F%ckin F%ck!

This fucking video is the fucking best fucking pep talk of all fucking time. Fucking Shepherds Bush fucking Raiders have some fucking intense fucking fucks on their fucking team. Enjoy this fucking video for fucks sake....needless to say ITS FUCKING NSF FUCKING W!!!

Worst Super Bowl Tie-In Ever

Even geeks have to watch the Super Bowl so what better to get the geeks of the world excited about the big game than with a physics contest! Yea, a site called Physics Central is hosting a contest for the geeks of the world to make a video that demonstrates some aspect of physics in football. The prize, you see below. Doesn't look all that special? Well it's special to the physics nerds. Its a nanoscale trophy. Get excited people!

A nanoscale trophy will be created in silicon and metal, which will be visible only under super high magnification electron or scanning microscopes. At such minuscule dimensions, the width of the features will be about a thousand times thinner than a strand of human hair!

Oh, and you can bag $1000 bucks too so there is something in this story for the non-geeks of the interwebs (wait, are there any?) . So get your geek on and make a grab for that cash and a really fucking tiny trophy that you will never, ever see.

I might send in a video demonstrating the physics of the impact of an Osi Umenyiora sack on Tom Brady's receding hair follicles.

From Physics Central

Alonzo Spellman Is A Special Kind Of Crazy

How Alonzo Spellman is still able to walk amongst us normal not insane people is something that I will never understand. Spellman was arrested last night in Tulsa after a 20 minute car chase with police, that was stopped only by police stop sticks which took out three of his Chrysler Pacifica's tires, followed by a 20 minute stand-off with police where Spellman would not get out of his car, followed by police firing pepper pellets into said car, finally getting the crazy mofo out of his vehicle. He was charged with eluding, assault with a deadly weapon on a police officer, resisting arrest and driving without a license.

I understand and am sympathetic to those who suffer with bipolar disorder, but c'mon 'Zo, take your damn medication! Most people with bipolar disorder are not six feet tall, three hundred pound wrecking machines. I mean, he's now doing MMA fighting, he's learning more skills to beat people down with other than just tackling you hard enough to break your ribcage. That is not a good thing if he's liable to breakout in violent, manic episodes at any given second. If Spellman can't be responsible enough to take his drugs that keep him sane, it might be more responsible if he weren't let out to possibly harm someone.

From CBSSportsline

Is There A Señor Mutu Or A Señor Bosnich In The House?

If not, they might have left a package for me?

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Cashley Cole, Catholic Crusader?

Don't say that footballers don't have a serious, contemplative side. Players like Kaka and Mateja Kezman score for Jesus all the time. Well, Kaka does. It's not yet clear what the hell Kezman is doing. Seems more like blasphemy.

Then you have players like Chelsea's Ashley "Cashley" Cole. Billy Gallas and £5M to Arsenal for Cole was a bad move. However, I may have been too quick to judge him. The Catholic Church may have found a new champion or crusader in the form of Cashley Cole.

Cole, married to Girls Aloud member Cheryl Cole, was busted for hooking up with a hairdresser after a night of heavy drinking. Among other things, he "slapped her bottom so hard his platinum wedding ring left a mark, vomited in a girl’s car — then said she should feel 'privileged', made absurd claims that Girls Aloud singer Cheryl 'didn’t mind' him cheating as long as he kept it secret, and interrupted their sex session to be sick again".

It looks as though he's learned from that experience and has turned to the church for guidance. The Sun reports that he hooked up with another girl but he followed Rome's advice and didn't use protection.

Glamour model BROOKE HEALY, 23, has told how England ace Cole bedded her at a friend’s house following a boozy night out with Chelsea team-mates.

She said yesterday: “When we were getting down to it I asked him if he had protection because I wasn’t on the Pill.

“He said not to worry about it because he was always getting tests at Chelsea and he was clean.

“He said he didn’t do protection and not to worry because everything would be cool.
Who knew commies like Roman Abramovich were closet believers? When you're richer than Nazis, you can check for everything. Derby and Wigan must be running rampant with STDs. No wonder they're so slow. It's hard to run fast when your crotch is burning like Michael Jackson's hair on fire.

Like all heroes, Cole isn't a perfect man. Hoes have been dropping out of the sky like dead spy satellites to call him out. He allegedly offered the hairdresser money to have an abortion.
When Aimee, 22, feared she might be pregnant, Cole’s representative met her at a Harvester pub and offered her cash to have an abortion ... She was then taken into the office of a West End nightclub and told to sign a document declaring she hadn’t slept with Cole - in exchange for an envelope stuffed with £6,000 in cash.
That's not the half of it.

Cole slept with the girl on the left the year he got married and paid her £10,000 in hush money. The chickenhead on the right claims to have slept with him five months after he was married.

He claims to not "do protection" and none are pregnant. What other proof do you need, people? Get out there and do God's work!

This Can't Be A Good Sign For Sunday

This probably isn't as bad as the Seahawks taking the field to Bittersweet Symphony. You knew no good would come of that.

Way to back your fans, Rangers.