Thursday, November 8, 2007

Suge Knight Loves Some Trojans

This is Suge Knight at last Saturday's USC football game. There is nothing good that can come out of Suge Knight roaming the sidelines of a collegiate football team. How did he get on to the field, does USC not know he's a convicted felon with many connections to Los Angeles gangs? Who owes this man money? Which students are being bought off with cars, women and straight cash homie? After the game, do Suge and Pete Carroll light up a spliff and laugh about which chickenhead cheerleaders they're going to nail that night?

The LA Times wants to know why he's on the sidelines as well. They've set up a poll to get to the bottom of it. The NCAA should jump into a giant investigation to figure out what connection Suge has with this team. It just cannot be good.

Luckily, having Suge in a pseudo sports story allows us to dip back into the Death Row Records archives for your listening enjoyment. Dre Day, what a classic song and video.

Beer > Water

Yet more proof that Beer is sent from the Gods for us here to all enjoy. It turns out that our favorite frothy beverage can help someone who has sweat regain liquid better than water. Some wise Spanish scientists just figured this out.

The bubbles help to quench thirst and the carbohydrate in beer help replace lost calories. The study results came from testing 25 college students asked to do strenuous exercises in 104-degree temperatures. They were then split into two groups, one given beer and other water to help them recover. The tests were conducted over several months. The hydration effect in those who drank beer was "slightly better" than those who drank water, said study leader, professor Manuel Garzon of Granada University.
Amazing huh? Basically, to hell with drinking water, gatorade, powerade, vitamin water or any of that other new fangled, electrolyte giving drinks!! Just go with the old standard, BEER. I mean really, it worked for Babe Ruth?

From Fox News

RCA Dome Security Guard Says The Colts Cheat

I know a few security guards and I find most of them all to be extremely reliable sources of knowledge. I've found out how the NFL was fixed, how you can always win you play the right slot machines the right way in the right places in Atlantic City, and how to get a woman to do exactly what you say whenever you want. Basically, I always trust what a security guard has to say, so I trust this man who says that the Colts actually do pipe in crowd noise at the RCA Dome.

WBZ Photojournalist Bryan Foley says an unidentified RCA Dome security guard told him Sunday that the Colts do enhance the crowd noise. The guard said:

"I don't know if you know this, but they actually pick up the crowd noise and pump it back through the P.A."
To further their case, apparent sonics expert, the aforementioned Bryan Foley (pictured right) himself says this:
He was covering the game for WBZ-TV and claims the noise in the RCA Dome was deafening when the Patriots had the ball.

"It was almost silent when the Colts had the ball," he said.
Well there you have it. Obviously the Indianapolis Colts cheat. A photographer and a security guard themselves have indisputable proof! Its certainly not possible the crowd was actually really loud and the fact that sound is trapped inside a dome makes it sound deafening. No...not at all. Get them on the fuckin bat-phone to Roger Goodell, STAT!


We've Got A New Look

So if you had not noticed, we've changed it up here a little bit at the Deuce. The poo is gone, we have 3 columns, and our limited photoshop skills have given us this new, quite rough logo. If anyone has any photoshop skills and wants to improve it, email us (mail [at] deuceofdavenport [dot] com) your vision of the Deuce of Davenport logo. You'll get full credit and maybe we'll send you something crappy for your trouble. In the meantime, enjoy your new, shit free Deuce.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Gibbsese Made Easy

Step right up boys and girls and open your eyes and ears to learn what Joe Gibbs is really saying when he whips out his many many clich├ęs when describing your Washington Redskins. Gibbsese is a difficult language to understand at times, but the Deuce has deciphered the true meaning behind his many catchy phrases.

"Core Redskins" = Players we have this year, that took a less money for some reason to stay loyal to the team (example: Ladell Betts), suckers!!!; or, players we have this year that we want to take a pay cut to stay on the team for no reason other than our messed up salary cap situation (example: Mark Brunell), SUCKERS!!!

"Fight our guts out" = It was a really poorly called and executed game, but somehow we pulled that victory out of our collective asses.

"We have a lot of pride" = We really think we've assembled a fine collection of football players and think we're much better than we are which is inevitably going to be our downfall. [Pride is the original and most deadly of the 7 deadly sins. A religious man like Gibbs must know this. Pride caused Satan's fall from Heaven. Pride is one of the reasons they suck.]

"A learning experience" = The quarterback has yet to start a full year and we trust him less than other teams (example: Cowboys/Romo, Jets/Clemens, Bills/Edwards, etc.) trust their young quarterbacks because he has a nasty habit of overthrowing everyone, on every route. Short, deep, intermediate, it doesn't matter, the ball is high and far away from our midget receivers. He will gain valuable experience in learning to hand the ball off effectively until he fixes that cannon arm of his.

"Redskins Football" = As in, "That's more the look of what I envision Redskin football to be." Redskins football appears to be 1) handicap Al Saunders' play calling style by 2) running the ball as much as a football team can while throwing passes no longer than 5 yards for maximum offensive ineptitude. Example, running the same rushing play 15 times and praying the defense doesn't catch on or cannot stop it. All this is done to hide the fact that the receivers are average at best when healthy and that the quarterback is not to be trusted to make a play...not that the receivers will help him to do so.

"Back to the look we'd like to have on offense" = We're gonna run that damn ball down their throat until they stop it or we run out of backs to carry the ball. It worked in the 80s right? Surely it must work now!; See, 'Redskins Football'.

Ray Lewis Must Wish For Happier Times

After that 38 to 7 raping that the Steelers gave the Ravens, Ray Lewis tried to put a positive spin on the game. "It ain't hard to correct what's wrong. Just don't turn the ball over and make people beat us," linebacker Ray Lewis said. "They got the ball four times inside the 30. You can't do that and play championship football."

Losing like this must make Ray long for the good ole days, like when he won a super bowl. Sadly, even that was a bitter victory since Trent Dilfer went to Disney World and not he even though he got the Super Bowl MVP. That snub did open the door for this, he had his own Disney cartoon movie. Oh you missed that? Well enjoy...

What a classic SNL TV FunHouse skit...

Frank Gifford Has Seen Better Days

Wow. I mean wow. Frank Gifford looks like a Batman villain or the Thing or some sorta Marvel or DC comics character. What the hell happened here? Someone has to tell Giff to stop with the plastic surgery and start with the dermatology. Ex-football players are not supposed to look this stretched out unless your name is Burt Reynolds. Jesus...wait, wait I got it. I know who he reminds me of now.


From Dlisted

Monday, November 5, 2007

You Think You Have Guts?

You don't have this guy's intestinal fortitude.

NFL Monday Watercooler Talk

If you missed this past weekend's NFL action, here's all you need to know to look really impressive this Monday at the office water cooler.

  • Patriots stay undefeated.
  • Colts gave them a run for their money though
  • Corey Dillon might come back
  • Chad Johnson got scary hurt...but should be "ok"
  • Jay Cutler got hurt too, and the Broncos are in trouble
  • Larry Johnson got hurt, Chiefs might call for Priest
  • The Lions look real good
  • Adrian Peterson ran for 296 yards and looks like a God
  • That is the new single game rushing record beating Jamal Lewis' by 1 yard
  • Antonio Cromartie returned a missed field goal for 109.75 yards
  • That is the longest play in NFL history
  • The Redskins are the worst 5-3 team in the league
  • Portis ran for 196 yards, the most since he's been in DC
  • Dallas Cowboys keep winning and Philly looks very bad
  • Derek Anderson is a pretty good quarterback...
  • ...with 2 great weapons in Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow Jr.
  • New Orleans offense is playing at a really really high level
  • Jacksonville is struggling in all facets of the game
  • Green Bay is winning with Brett Farve and defense, but no running game
  • Shaun Alexander appears to be finished in this league
  • San Diego imploded at Minnesota, horrible loss for the Chargers
  • San Francisco lost to the Falcons...things are a mess in 49erville
  • Warrick Dunn has some legs left, gaining 100 yards in the win
  • Oakland lost to a Houston team without its #1 QB, RB, or WR
  • Justin Fargas gives hope to white RBs with another 100+ yard game
photo by (Photo by Harry How/Getty Images)