Saturday, May 12, 2007

Introducing The Next GM Of The Orioles

At least chimps are funny. Consul the Chimp could do just as good a job as Jim Duquette and Mike Flanagan. Flanagan is quickly losing the cred he built as a player. Eddie Murray, Tippy Martinez and John Lowenstein must be livid. It may be time for an intervention.

The pitching staff has been decimated by injuries. Adam Loewen is out for over eight weeks with a stress fracture in his elbow. Jaret Wright is also on the DL with a case of suck. His father says he may never pitch again. While you never want to see someone go out with a career-ending injury, it is somewhat comforting to know that there's a chance he won't pitch for the Orioles again. Hopefully he'll be able to come back and "help" another team.

Anyway, Hayden Penn hurt himself down in the minors so the Orioles have been forced to make a deal in order to acquire a starting pitcher. They're looking at several mediocre pitchers but one name almost caused me to bleed out of my ears.

Chan. Ho. Park.

If the Orioles sign him, we're done. Over. This is forever shit we're talkin' bout. I'll quit them but first I'll go down to Camden Yards and put Peter Angelos in the camel clutch. Fuck the Monkey's Paw. I want Edward Bennett Williams back. I can't take this anymore.

Mutu's Drug Mule

As the football season winds down in Europe, we wonder what we're going to do during the offseason besides join in the absurd rumormongering that goes on in the European press. You can expect nothing less from us. Here's hoping that overpaid, under-educated footballers will get themselves in stupid, embarrassing situations for our amusement.

Get Out Of My Belly

It looks like the pressure's getting to Fat Freddy Shepherd. Every good thing that happens to Newcastle seems to be followed by a corresponding cockpunch and twist. Every big name signing seems to drop as though Screwface put some bad mojo on them. The casualty list topped by Obafemi Martins, Michael Owen, Damien Duff and Scott Parker is rather impressive.

Shepherd met with former Bolton manager Big Sam Allardyce
at Claridge's in London yesterday. Allegedly an offer to manage Newcastle was made and accepted with some details yet to be worked out. Both sides agreed that they were close to an agreement that would have Big Sam take over the "big club" otherwise known as Newcastle United.

Once Shepherd has his man, he can return his focus to Owen who has a £9million buyout clause in his contract. It's rumored that he wants a return to Liverpool which he left to win silverware. he hasn't won anything while Liverpool has won the Champions League and FA Cup. Shepherd isn't too pleased about this especially as the club has stood by him through all his injury problems.

If you didn't hear Shepherd's response, he said, "I'll fucking carry him back for you...for
£9million". Solid Freddy solid. Good to see he has a sense of humor about the situation.

Thanks to Who Ate All The Pies for pointing us to the video.

Chelsea Institute Affirmative Action Plan

Noting the lack of redheads on Jose Mourinho's squad, Chelsea is close to signing Reading midfielder Steve Sidwell. Sidwell is scheduled to undergo a medical on Monday at Stamford Bridge and is being held out of Reading's final match against Blackburn tomorrow.

Oh, the back tattoo. Yeah...those are his wedding vows. Steve O's tattoo puts this soft ass shit to shame.

United Shame English Football With Weak Celebration

By the hammer of Thor, has football come to this? Gazza's liver must be turning in his torso.

Manchester United players celebrated their one-year Premiership trophy loan deal by going out on the town and running up a bar tab of....wait for it...
£8,500. Most of it went towards Cristal.

Some players carried on the party at striker Wayne Rooney's mansion in Prestbury, Cheshire.

A source said: “The lads had a great time - and even let some of the local girls join the party and enjoy the champers."
Champers?? What the fuck? Then again, they do carry manbags. No debauchery? No fights? No making it rain?

Maybe they took it easy because they didn't want to get whiskey dick before roasting the over-50 local girls Rooney invited back to his crib.

Vegas Baby

Telly Savalas will rise from his grave if the MLS follows through and finally does the right thing.

The Las Vegas Sun reports that the Las Vegas Sports and Entertainment Group is trying to bring an MLS franchise to Vegas by 2010. The group "
hopes to build a high-tech, state-of-the-art stadium with a retractable roof that will be linked with a casino."

The group would ask for no public financing and the stadium would be available for other uses besides soccer.

There's no team name but the name "Silver Spurs" is being tossed around like a dwarf. No team should have anything in common with Tottenham Hotspur. The Deuce suggests the name Hustlers. It works on so many (two) levels.

By the way, does anyone know where we can find Player's Club cards? We've looked everywhere.

Fear the Beard

If i grow a beard as lush and thick as that, will I be able to dunk over a 6'9" Russian? The answer sadly is no, but Baron Davis gives all beard growers hope by throwing down an absolutely vicious dunk over the Jazz' Andrei Kirilenko like he did last night. Hide your children, Baron is home. Tru-Wariers are now down 2-1.

Where Is Fred Smoot?

The Redskins signed Fred Smoot this offseason, bringing back to DC one of the games greatest talkers...and party throwers. But you wouldn't know it would you? You really haven't heard a peep from Smoot at all this offseason? Has one of the few personalities that we have drafted on our team finally mellowed out a bit? I hope not for the Redskins' defense's sake. Let us take this quiet time though to remember the quotes of the younger, more brash Fred Smoot. The man who actually has a web page devoted SOLEY to his quotes! Here we go:

“I like that, man, that's my job. I love to have fun. And I like to yap, so why not?”

"They might as well put us on BET, on Christmas Eve, and call it the "We Got Screwed Bowl." (on getting snubbed on a bowl at MSU)

"75 percent of the world is covered by water. The rest is covered by Smoot."

"They say the world is covered by 3 quarters water and 1 quarter Smoot."

"If they throw me the ball, I will catch it. I missed a couple picks today, so don't tell Coach Spurrier I said that."

"I have one of the rookies carry my gear off the field every day. That's what rookies do. That's what I had to do. And that's what they're going to keep on doing. So if you want to come to the NFL, you're going to have to carry my stuff."

"Well, in Jackson (Miss.) where I'm from, they don't call it the 'Home of Fred Smoot.' So I'm wondering what's going on! " (about Brett Favre's hometown)

"My mama and I had arguments and I couldn't even fight back. But the jaw is fine. It's not a glass jaw, it's made of steel." (about his broken jaw)

"You can't get glass without it going through a lot of changes and then it comes out smooth. I am that s
mooth part right now." (about returning to DC)

"I would love to be a Viking... But I am nobody's bench rider. Fred Smoot is a starter."

"Man....most people don't even understand me when I speak English." (on learning Chinese)

"They're killing my name. Point blank. Somebody's going to have to pay for it." (on being included in the sex boat scandal...before he was charged with indecent conduct, disorderly conduct and lewd or lascivious conduct and before he pleaded guilty to misdemeanor disorderly conduct and to being a public nuisance on a watercraft while paying a $1,000 fine, performing 48 hours of community service and had 30-day jail sentences stayed for a year. Apparently, that someone who paid was he.)

My favorite non-Fred Smoot quote:
Mike Wilbon: Pardon the interruption, but I'm Mike Wilbon. Tony, I'm dressed like the man that says "Ho! Ho! Ho!".
Tony Kornheiser: Fred Smoot?

Get back to talkin' Fred. DC, nay, THE WHOLE WORLD needs you.

Thanks to DCSportsfan,, Wikipedia, and all the other websites that make this page possible *sob*

Blog Show Mentions The Deuce! AGAIN

Yes, we got on for our second time. This time for the National Xtreme Baseball post and the Robert Royal "Party Guy" post. We shall all have to celebrate over some Strongbows and wings at our local watering hole...which we'd do pretty much most nights anyway. Mottram & Steinberg, again, you have our thanks. For those of you who missed it, watch below. I'd tell you when our site appears on the Blog Show, but then you wouldn't watch all the other great sports blogs least if you are like me. Cheers!

Friday, May 11, 2007

Welcome To Bawlmer

They say imitation is the best form of flattery. There's nothing I like more than seeing my team bond off the field. Nothing builds team unity like sharing the same hobbies and activities.

Oh, you probably thought I was talking about Troy Smith. I'm talking about Steve McNair. Welcome to Charm City, Steve. It's the city that bleeds. There's no better way to show your leadership and dedication to Baltimore than picking up a magic DUI. BJ Sams and Chris McAllister took some time before they picked up on that.

You know why Ray Lewis is a team leader. Let's see Chris Henry roll like that. Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen. Getting a DUI when you're not driving is strong.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

You're With Me, Spandex

The ESPYs got nuthin' on the Slammys. Jamie Foxx, Stuart Scott, Jeff Gordon and Chris Berman vs. Hulk Hogan, Randy "Macho Man" Savage, The Junkyard Dog (RIP) and Vince McMahon. Steel cage. No contest.

Is that Jake The Snake or Mean Gene Okerland with hair?

Here's some bonus video from last week. Guess the Iron Sheik's stand up career isn't going as well as planned.

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Bent Over The Grand Concourse

Roger Clemens greets Yankees fans from George Steinbrenner's box at Yankee Stadium.

People act as though Roger Clemens is the first player to demand special treatment from his suitors. Luckily, we have ex-Mets GM Steve Phillips to enlighten us.

Steve called into the Big Show with Dan and Keith to discuss player demands during breaks from commercials and worthless local sports updates. He said that some of the more unusual demands were made by Rickey Henderson and A-Rod.

Rickey said Rickey wanted to know what award he was going to receive for breaking Babe Ruth's walks and Ty Cobb's runs scored records. Let's take liberties with the conversation between Steve and Dan since I didn't record it and I'll be damned if I'm listening to Dan whore himself for Progressive Auto Insurance for the 1000th time.
Rickey: So what does Rickey get when Rickey breaks Babe Ruth and Ty Cobb's records?

Steve: I don't know. We'll give you some crystal.

Rickey: Who's Crystal?

Steve: You know, like Tiffany's.

Rickey: Who's Tiffany?

Steve: You know it's like a piece of glass. A bowl if you will.

Rickey: No, I won't. Man, who wants a piece of glass? Rickey wants one of those things John Madden drives around in so Rickey can tour the country.
Yeah, Rickey wanted a Winnebago.

A-Rod wanted an office in Shea for his marketing guy. I'm no marketing guru but I'm pretty sure October Choke doesn't sell in Flushing no matter how you package it.

Houston manager Phil Garner also appeared on the Big Show and discussed Clemens and his special privileges. Apparently Clemens asked to stay home so he could attend his son's games yet Garner would see him playing golf in Hollywood during away trips.

Everyone on the Yankees is required to have a haircut you can set your watch to and now Clemens rolls in to pick up $28M pro-rated and he'll only travel during away trips on which he's scheduled to pitch. It's rare that I agree with or listen to anything David Wells has to say but he's spot on when he criticized Clemens.

Trapper John was good enough to remind us that Clemens demanded and was given the privilege of a daily wake-up blowjob from Brian Cashman. Rumor has it Michael Kay threw a tantrum when he learned he wouldn't be able to blow Clemens but Steinbrenner offered him the option of sucking off Scott Proctor and Doug Mientkiewicz which he happily accepted.

We can't wait until A-Rod forces Cashman to renegotiate and holds out for a posse of Thai ladyboys to service his every need.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Robert Royal Parties Like A Rock Star

Oh how us Redskins fans miss Robert Royal. Seriously, we do. I don't think we have a tight end that can catch the ball other than Cooley...besides the scrubs young talent we brought to camp. Anyway, I was up late scouring the web for porn interesting stories to blog about and I came across Robert Royal's myspace page. It is always interesting whenever sports celebrities players let us peek into a window of their lives on this social networking thing. If you're too lazy to look for yourself, here's a look into the Bills' TE life:

  • His Swagger is so right
  • His Sexual nickname is "The Purple Headed Warrior of Love"
  • His interests include 1) His Daughter; 2) Money; 3) Football; 4) Playstation 2; and judging from the dollar bills falling in his background, 5)Mo' Money
  • He does not read books
  • He does enjoy the rap music
  • He likes the ladies of allllll colors
  • He likes to take this one
I am not one to talk about anyone's fashion sense, nor am I here to tear down a guy who is loving life without causing anyone harm but what is going on with that massive zipper from his chin to his stomach? Did he just come back from the dentist? Is it a bib built into that flashy shirt? I know the man can afford some clothes, look at that ka-ching on his wrists, but he has to let us know what is up with that shirt.

National Xtreme Gods...

I know what you're thinking. You're saying to yourself, "Isn't baseball Xtreme enough?" You are wrong sir...dead wrong. Watch this Youtube and see for yourself. If you've never experienced 29 people on a baseball field at once, 2 pitchers, 2 batters, and people running both ways on the basepaths...then YOU have never experienced National Xtreme Baseball.

To be honest, I dont really know what to make of this except that its wrong. Wrong like Carlos Mencia wrong. You should see some of the team names too. I mean, you cannot be Xtreme with a team called the Seattle Stars, Nashville Sparrows, or the Minnesota Miracles. That, and the lack of a DC team is appalling. Baltimore and Richmond get love? Philly and New York get love? But no DC? Just a travesty!

Really, this is not the way to make baseball "Xtreme". Just by having more people run the basepaths does not make the game more exciting. It just adds another circus ring to the one ring circus we have. Twice as much circus does not make the circus more exciting, just gives you less time to shell a peanut, get a beer, and talk with your buddies while kinda watching the game. If they really wanted to make the game better, they should've taken a page from these guys and made baseball more like this:

Blog Show Mentions The Deuce!

Sure this is a week late, but it is still a major accomplishment in our lives to be featured on television...even if its just on our local cable system. Thanks to the wonders of Youtube however, we are NATIONAL baby! Big shout out to Jamie Mottram, aka Mr. Irrelevant, and Dan Steinberg of the DC Sports Bog for giving us a place on their show. Hopefully we can come up with more content worthy of television broadcast. For those who missed it, check out the highly professional Blog Show.