Saturday, April 19, 2008

Bernard Hopkins Got Beat By A White Boy

There are a couple lessons we can take away from tonight's Bernard Hopkins-Joe Calzaghe fight in Vegas.

1. Never say never because it will happen.

2. Never invite Ray J to your function. You will lose just like him.

Bernard Hopkins said he would never lose to a white boy. Well he did and in convincing fashion. Joe Calzaghe came to America and walked out with a messy split decision win over Hopkins.

Once again we have a British fighter come to Vegas and again we trot out some half-ass R&B singer to butcher the national anthem. Both times, they roll out Tom Jones. What do we do? Against Hatton, it was Tyrese. Against Calzaghe, Ray fucking J?? Who's next? Johnny Kemp? J is only known for being Moesha's brother and making bootleg sex tapes with status hoes. A fucking national disgrace. I demand Full Force next fight. We must represent.

Hopkins knocked down Calzaghe in the 1st round and it looked like the fight would be over even before it started. Calzaghe managed to get up and slowly take the advantage even though it seemed as though Hopkins could take him at any moment.

Calzaghe maintained his pace and advantage through the 10th and that's when things got weird. Calzaghe brushed Hopkins' balls in a playful manner and he dropped to the canvas. Replays showed the punch barely hit Hopkins if at all. He soaked up the five minutes given to him by referee Joe Cortez and the crowd started to boo in recognition of his time-wasting tactics.

In the 11th, Hopkins claimed he was hit by a low blow again but this time, Cortez was having none of it and told him to fight on. Of course he showed no ill effects from the phantom punch. Flurries were thrown but it was clear at that point that the fight was going to a decision.

One judge actually had Hopkins ahead 114-113. If Hopkins won the fight, it would have been the biggest fix at UNLV since losing to Duke. Calzaghe was a gracious winner in his post-match interview while Hopkins claimed that although Calzaghe dominated for half the fight, he should have won. It's a good thing Max Kellerman didn't bring up the fact that he lost to a white boy. I would have called my bookie and took Hopkins over Kellerman in the 1st.

Hory F**king Shirt

That's what we think they'd be saying if this was dubbed over in Engrish.

Deuce of Davenport. Where lazy racial stereotypes and Japanese TV come to life. Go Cubs?

Friday, April 18, 2008

The Official Cricketer of The Deuce

It's been a while since we had a cricket post here at the Deuce, but with today being the opening match of the new Indian Premier League -- and as such, the world debut of big-money, franchise cricket (just a century or so behind every other major world team sport) -- we figured that it was time to bring you the latest on the greatest game that no one in America remotely understands.

We thought that a discourse about what the IPL means to the future of world cricket might be in order, or perhaps an essay on whether the big money and mercenary values of franchise Twenty20 can co-exist in the long run with Test and other multi-day versions of the sport. We considered publishing these even though we knew that they'd bore you to tears. Because someday, you're gonna care about cricket. But then, browsing the rosters of the new, ludicrously-named IPL squads (Chennai Super Kings? Kolkata Knight Riders?) we made a discovery.

The Deuce is proud to name its first Official Deuce Player in any sport: Napoleon Einstein, of the aforementioned Super Kings.

How can you not elevate to Official Player status a young man whose name sounds suspiciously like one of the names considered by Homer Simpson before he rechristened himself Max Power? In a week that saw Miggy Tejada admit that he's actually 53, how can you not establish as your Blog Icon a top-tier professional athlete who claims to be nearly 19, but clearly is a prepubescent 12 year old? Napoleon Einstein is a man(child) who actually claims to be older than he really is. That's a true phenom -- he levels the playing field by hiding his precociousness. The fact that he's an all-rounder is the icing on the cake.

But what we love best about Napoleon is the diffidence with which everyone treats his name. Does his Cricinfo page make any note of the fact that, you know, his name is Napoleon Fucking Einstein? No. Does his official team bio? Nope. They focus on his devotion to the game, and the fact that he just sprouted his first pube made the recent world champion Indian U-19 squad. That's badass. Try finding an article about God Shammgodd -- much less an official bio -- that doesn't focus on his moniker. Napoleon doesn't need the superficial hype. He lets his bat and his spin do the talking for him.

But we'll hype him anyway. Here's to you, Napoleon Einstein. We love you.

Marty Brennaman Hates Cubs Fans

To say that Marty Brennaman doesn't like Chicago Cubs fans would be a bit of an understatement. Here's a video with the audio from the Chicago Tribune of Marty Brennaman taking Cubs fans to task for throwing like 20 balls onto the field after a huge Adam Dunn home run at Wrigley Field. I'm not exactly sure what bug crawled up Brennaman's rear during the game, but he is appalled by that...very much so...and he wants you listeners out there to know it. Some people have no sense of humor I guess?

Gheorghe Muresan: An Interview

Here's a blast from the past for you. DC television sports reporter Tim Brant recently taped an interview with Gheorghe Muresan for Wizards Magazine. If you want to find out what Gheorghie is up to these days take a look below. You have to listen pretty closely because the big guy's accent is still pretty thick, but it isn't impossible, you don't need close captioning here. Gheorghe also goes into some talk about gigantism and his feelings towards Wizards owner Abe Polin (whom he obviously must love since he's still working for the 'Zards) and his time in the league. Pretty neat little 5 minutes to catch up with the tallest guy ever in the NBA. How can you not love good ole 77?

Thursday, April 17, 2008

There Are No Running Backs In This Dojo!

One thing that Michael Westbrook learned from his playing time in the NFL is that he loves hitting people. He loves hitting people so much, that he is currently pursuing a black belt in Brazilian jujitsu. Stephen Davis doesn't have anything to worry about anymore though because while Michael Westbrook might be best known for pummelling the crap outta Davis, he doesn't actually like to hit people in the face he says in an ESPN interview:

"I've never gotten a good feeling from hitting someone in the face,'' Westbrook said. "I had to do it growing up to defend myself, but I never liked it. A lot of people get off on that, but I don't want to do it.''
Well if he doesn't want to do that, why did he go nuts on Stephen Davis lo' those many years ago?
"He didn't call me a name,'' Westbrook said of Davis. "That's where it gets mixed up. It got reported and it got changed into something monstrous. I was talking to him, Brian Mitchell and Terry Allen. They were talking about 'letting us handle the team.' I was like, 'You all are a bunch of jealous [f----]. You all are just jealous of everything I have.'

"Stephen Davis told me I needed to shut up and all that stuff I was saying sounded like some gay [s---], like I'm soft, not like I'm gay. That's all he said. It wasn't like, 'You're gay,' but it got changed to that really quick. So the connotation is Michael Westbrook is gay.''

Ahh I see. He will only hit people in the face if they call him gay, but not gay meaning happy and not gay meaning homosexual but gay meaning soft and he won't like it while he's doing it. I wonder exactly what SD, Brian Mitchell and Terry Allen were jealous of anyway, it's not like their careers flamed out like his did? Anyway, the good news from this story is, Westbrook is happy now, he doesn't have to work since he stole millions from NFL teams and invested it well, he's becoming a master of jujitsu and its mellowed him out a bit while giving him the ability to pummel people with an even greater viciousness now more than ever, if he choses to do so.

Yes, Mr. Westbrook, you are in a good place, but still, fuck you. Your sucking for the Redskins along with Heath Shuler and Desmond Howard are in all of my nightmares.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

She-male, The Prince ... Princess of ... Ah Forget It

I was afraid to do a Google Image search for this post but I powered through because you count on us to bring you what you love. You love you some Tonya Harding, don't you?

Shemales finally have a place to get their aggression out. Newsgirls Boxing Gym has opened up in Toronto. It caters solely to women and shemales. I have just one question. At what point does a shemale get banned from the gym? Your intrepid Canadian reporter learned that the term "transgendered" is the new hotness when referring to shemales. How far along does one have to be in making a change before one's pass gets revoked? Does it go to the owner or is there a panel that makes these decisions? I see a testosterone scandal over the horizon.

What? I'm not asking for myself. See I have this friend. Um, Biff and he, uh was just, you know, wondering... Oh fuck you, dude. I'm so not even like that. I'm not in denial.

Free at last, free at last. Thank god almighty Harold Reynolds is free at last.

Dan Rooney Always Bets On Black

Shocking. More pandering to the black man. First the Rooney Rule, then Mike Tomlin and now this. Dan Rooney hearts Obama.

We're pretty confident Andy Rooney and Lynn Swann don't heart Obama.

Hillary's likely to counter Rooney's announcement by going after Dave Wannstedt's endorsement. He knows nothing about being elite.

Yankees-Red Sox Goes From Dumb To Dumber

Yankees and Red Sox fans deserve each other. It wasn't enough that the Yankees made a huge stink over the buried jersey in the new Yankee Stadium. Think about pressing charges? Why would the Boston fan run his mouth before the place was finished?

No worries. We're changing the subject. The first pitch in today's Yankees-Red Sox game will be thrown by astronaut Dr. Garrett Reisman. There's one problem. He's in space.

Dr. Reisman is on the International Space Station until June. The pitch will be shown on the Jumbotron in Yankee Stadium. Let's see how long Chad Moeller waits for the pitch to cross the plate. Hopefully J.D. Drew will swing from the dugout to make the moment complete.

I'll apologize if NASA has invented a baseball that can make it through atmospheric reentry and land somewhere close to the Bronx.

Slow Your Roll. Know Your Limitations

Emile Heskey? Really, dude?

Has a picture ever said so much? More than likely but this is spot on. I would have posted something on Chelsea yesterday but I just didn't have it in me. Chelsea could still win the league but it would take a Chelsea win and a Manchester United loss followed by a Chelsea win over Man U. That's it.

As crazy as it sounds, I'm not sure how much Chelsea winning the Champions League would salvage the season in my mind. Losses to Spurs and Barnsley were painful enough. Another loss to Liverpool would hurt but a season without silverware would hopefully mean Avram Grant would move upstairs. However there's no guarantee of that happening. A CL win means a better chance of him staying. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

I don't want to root against my team and I won't yet I fear what victory means. Of course I want Chelsea to win the Champions League. However Grant blundering into victory could be costly. He's shown time and time again that he has the combined tactical awareness of Paul Bremer and Rich Kotite. After being screwed out of United match tickets and still not receiving my supporters club package, I deserve something. Give me Big Cup glory and a new manager. Is that so hard?

Think your Facebook status means nothing? Here's the follow up to the story of the guy who learned this the hard way.

Put Me In, Muthaf**ka

Aw I'm just playin' unless you don't put me in. If you no play me, I say fuck you, pop. I do it myself.

David Ortiz has a funny way of letting Terry Francona know he's wants back in the lineup. The DH was benched after going on an 0 for 17 streak. Instead of waiting until called, he decided to be pro-active and take matters into his own hands.

The text message began with "dad" or "pop," Terry Francona wasn't sure which. He thought it might have been from his 14-year-old daughter, but because the number was unfamiliar, he texted back and asked whose number it was.

"It's mine, [expletive]," came the reply, much to the consternation of the manager, who then called the number to see who had the nerve to address him that way.

"I was getting ticked," Francona said. "I was all mixed up. Because the last [message] said, 'Put me in, [expletive].' "
It turned out to be Ortiz instead of Francona's daughter. He was relieved that his daughter wasn't talking to him in that tone. "I didn't care if David gets hits or not, I won't have a 14-year-old talking like that to her dad."

There's no word on whether he went home and whupped his daughter just in case she thought about talking to him like that. "You didn't? Well that's one in the bank for you, missy!"

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Olympic Muffin Scare!

Ok, not that type of muffin. Australian Olympic team members were attending a function in Brisbane when they were shocked to find that they were being fed spiked chocolate muffins! Two people at the function bit into the terrorist muffins and found paperclips inside of them. The whole batch of muffins was then confiscated by authorities and it was found that 13 other muffins also had the deadly paperclips inside. Luckily, not a single Olympic team member was injured and the terrorist muffin plot was foiled.

"I'm absolutely devastated that this has happened. But we're doing everything we can to work with the authorities," [Merlo Kitchen Catering Company director Dean] Merlo said.

Queensland Health and Queensland Police are investigating the incident. It is not sure if paperclips were baked into the muffins, or whether they were inserted at a later date.

Olympians at the function included gymnast Ayiesha Johnston and swimmer Christian Sprenger.

Thank God this terrorist plot was foiled. The dental and intestinal damage that these tainted muffins would have caused could have robbed the Aussies of all their Olympic glory! Yes...this is Olympic news these days.