Friday, August 31, 2007

REMIX: Friday Night Lights vs. 300

It almost seems too logical. Not always synched up perfectly, but it's hard to not get hyped up by the hits on the football field going along with that Nine Inch Nails soundtrack. Modern day gladiators indeed. Thank God football season is almost upon us.

I'm Not Normally A Praying Man But If You're Up There...

Damn you for making me say what I'm about to say.

There is no god. How do I know? Two words: Faith Hill.

It wasn't enough that ABC/ESPN polluted the airwaves like Beijing with Pink and the Black Eyed Peas. Apparently NBC felt left out and decided to one-up ABC/ESPN by having Faith Hill sing the theme for Sunday Night Football this season.

This is some bullshit I would expect from Disney but not from NBC. They have a proud past when it comes to sporting theme songs which culminated with the brilliant Roundball Rock.

John Tesh must be rolling in his grave.

This is just another example of the demise of professional sports in America. Domestic violence, dogfighting and making it rain be damned. Let's not even bring up Ryan Seacrest's involvement with this season's Super Bowl.

What's next? Paula Cole? Celine Dion? Jewel? Do these assclowns realize it's football? How's a theme song sung by Faith Hill going to make me ready for some football?
Hill, who's sold 30 million records worldwide with hits including "This Kiss," "Breathe" and "Mississippi Girl," has already recorded the theme songs in New York, altering the lyrics a bit with each one to include the teams playing that week. She shot an accompanying video for the show in Los Angeles.
Think of any lyrics you can plug into those songs that will get you hype like the themes to the NBA on NBC, Fox NFL Sunday and even Hockey Night in Canada? If you do, you're not only wrong. You're a jackass. And what's up with forcing country music down our throats as though we're getting our foie gras on like ducks. I'm not saying there's no place for it but it's as though the networks think people who like country are the only ones who watch football.

Another stupid idea. It seems as though GE has no more interest in bringing good things to life. Only sucking the life out of the few things I still love.

Ladies, Don Cherry Has Something To Say To You

I think Don says it best himself:



The Pussification Of America

How often do we hear that the youth of America are lazy and surly like Teamsters? What do we expect when we treat the geniuses like Burmese political prisoners? How long will we continue to stifle ingenuity?

Hillard Davidson High senior Kyle Garchar pulled off a brilliant stunt and was suspended for his efforts. He tricked over 800 fans of an opposing high school to hold up pieces of paper that spelled out "We Suck" during a football game between Hillard Davidson and Hillard Darby High Schools.

Garchar ... said he spent about 20 hours over three days plotting the trick ... Garchar, 17, first went to Crew Stadium to take a picture of the seats. Then he created a grid to plan how the message would be spelled out once fans in three sections held up either a black or white piece of construction paper. Directions left on stadium seats instructed fans to check that the number listed on their papers matched their seat numbers. Darby supporters were told the message would read "Go Darby."
Davidson principal John Bandow didn't find the prank amusing and suspended him and two accomplices as well as banned them from participating in school activities for a month.

I'm surprised Bandow didn't stop the game and declare both teams winners. Mercy rules, suspensions for great pranks, etc. We're slowly turning into surrender monkeys. Free the Kyle Garchar 3!

Picture Of The Day

"You're right! It does feel like lukewarm paella!"

Laron + Taylor = AREA 51

I am so psyched about the Redskins new safety tandem of #21 Sean Taylor and #30 LaRon Landry, I had to make a t-shirt about 'em. Check it out at our t-shirt store by visiting the link on the sidebar or click the picture. Got a couple color variations on this design's is by no means original, just my take on the burgeoning nickname for the dynamic duo. GO SKINS!

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Wear Your Fandom On Your Sleeves

For those sports fans who have a couple hundred dollars to spend on something as trivial as a pair of cufflinks, there is now a cufflink for you. You can now buy cufflinks that are actually made from old wooden seats discarded from old stadiums. Red Envelope is selling cufflinks made from seats at RFK, Yankee Stadium, Wrigley Field, Fenway Park, Dodger Stadium or Busch Stadium.

Christ...the first asshat that purchases this and shows them off around me gets a swift punch to their gut. Why not keep the seat intact and sell those off? I guess you couldnt get nearly enough value for the seat as a whole than if you broke it up into tiny chunks and stuck pins on it. I mean, a seat now can probably be broken up into a couple hundred chunks and sold as this crap while netting like around $40,000 total a freaking seat! There's a sucker born every minute folks...don't be that guy.

From Uncrate

Why Do People Not Want Their Teeth???

If you remember the very painful faceplant video we debuted here on the Deuce, then really, you should really wonder why someone else would want to do such a thing. I never thought I'd ever see this done again. WHY DO PEOPLE NOT WANT THEIR TEETH?

1,2,3 brutaal faceplant - Watch more free videos

The Constitutional Vol. 17

Time again for the not so regular link dump. We're not very good at keeping schedules, so enjoy what those who can blog much more often than we can have to offer...Welcome to the Constitutional.

  • Injury Rate wants to win a basketball court as bad as Miss South Carolina did the Miss Teen USA. 100% Injury Rate

  • Controversy with the AFL and local news media gets better and better. With Malice...

  • Devin Hester hurts himself doing something he has no idea how to do. FAIL! Shakedown Sports

  • Serena Williams thinks people care about her...titles. YOU BEEN BLINDED

  • DoD finds the best team names in Independent League sports. Doberman on the Diamond

  • Liston writes one of the most creative blog posts about the Little League World Series Ever. (If I wasnt so lazy, I would've devoted a Constitutional just to this). Introducing Liston

  • Yankees Stadium Gestapo is a little over-zealous. Strike Zones and End Zones

  • Classic Redskins superfan Chief Zee interview. Nice find guys. Riggo's Rag

  • Hippies in Berkley? Noooo??? Strangely, they appear to be winning? Signal To Noise

  • Jason Campbell will be hurt all season...dammit. Mr. Irrelevant

  • Tucker Carlson sucks...anything and everything. Not that it matters. Can't Stop The Bleeding

Archuleta's Girlfriend Not As Lucky As He Is

I thought that Adam Archuleta was a lucky man for getting paid over 6 million dollars for riding the pine for half a season with the Redskins last year. Turns out I was only partly right. He is not only rich from doing absolutely nothing to earn that money but he is also dating former Playmate model Jennifer Walcott (VERY NSFW LINK FOR MORE PICS) pictured here.

Unfortunately for Walcott, her life is not all strawberries and cream (you'll know what i'm talking about if you click that link) like Adam's. She's being cyberstalked, possibly 20 year old Aurora, Illinois man Edson Diaz.

Aurora Police Lt. Brian Olsen said Diaz e-mailed Walcott through a link on her MySpace page [note: more awesome pics on there too, kinda SFW] The e-mails were traced to his home computer, said Olsen, who added that Diaz had threatened to attack Walcott but did not give a motive.

"He's just being verbally abusive and threatening her with bodily harm," Olsen said.

That is a damn shame really, a beauty like Walcott shouldn't have to deal with threats of physical violence...that really should be saved for her crap ass football player boyfriend who plays safety but cannot cover a leftover rump roast with reynolds wrap. Some guys have all the luck I guess, too bad it isn't helping out his girl any.

If you want to read a bit of the stalker's actual emails, go over to the always newsbreaking SportsByBrooks. He totally beat us to this...I hate having to work during the "Hat Tip" to you dude.

From Chicago and Sports By Brooks

This Little Girl Is Tough As Nails

When monsters arrive in your bedroom at night, take the advice of this little girl...and just kick their askth! Seriously, her logic is quite sound, she makes more sense then the majority of the people I talk to every day. Don't you wish more kids were like her and not the pansies they usually are...

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Yeah Here Comes The Donkey

It's somewhat appropriate that Tim Couch would have spent his "glory" days playing for a team whose uniform reminds one of shit. Far be it from us to ever disparage most things reminiscent of the deuce. After all, we are named after one of the most infamous (more than famous) deuces in recent history, possibly in all written history. According to my college philosophy professor, written history is the only history that matters. It seems only right that the story of Tim Couch conforms with my professor's flap-doodle.

After flaming out of professional football like the Challenger due to injuries and all-around suck, Couch attempted a comeback this summer with the Jacksonville Jaguars. One would think he would have had a good chance of making the team considering that the other two QBs ahead of him were a gimp and a Crohn's Disease sufferer. Not so fast, my friend. The first pick of the 1999 NFL Draft was cut on August 18th. Somewhere, Akili Smith smiled.

Yahoo Sports obtained documents showing that Couch used anabolic steroids and HGH during his most recent comeback. He told Yahoo that "he briefly took HGH - which is banned by the NFL - in hopes the drug would help him recover from shoulder surgery. But he denied using steroids or any other banned drugs and said he never had seen the documents".

Too bad HGH doesn't cure suck or stupid. Couch took HGH and possibly steroids and still sucked. Let this be a lesson to all you Barry Bonds haters. Sorry, I digress. Let's assume the documents are telling the truth. If he had made the team (yeah I know - just for shits and giggles), he would have been subject to drug testing and could have tested positive. A positive test would have meant a suspension. He does say he passed a drug test when he signed with the Jags on July 29th.

He admitted to Yahoo that at the least he used HGH.

"The bottom line is I was not in the NFL during any of the period of time (when the regimens called for the use of steroids), so that also makes me feel like, what's the story?" Couch said. "… I don't know where this stuff comes from. I don't know where you got any of this."
Excuse me, dumbass? Did he retain Lance Briggs as his lawyer? The NFL might see it a bit differently.
If Couch rejoins the NFL, he could face disciplinary action based on information from league spokesman Greg Aiello. A free agent or retired player who attempts a comeback remains subject to the NFL's drug policy, according to Aiello, who in an email wrote that a player "will be subject to discipline if we have sufficient proof that he used a banned substance without an acceptable medical justification. Merely being prescribed it by a doctor is not enough."

Concerned about the possible sanctions, Couch said, "I'm not saying I did it, but what if I did do it? What happens then? … What does this mean for me?"
He must have a dream team of Briggs, Pacman Jones and Odell Thurman.

He's probably done so the issue may be moot. However, it's not a complete loss. That increased arm strength should help him as he pumps Blizzards at a Kentucky Dairy Queen. Hopefully they don't have a drug testing program. If you've been to a Dairy Queen, you know it's a pretty safe bet that they have nothing close to drug testing.

The Height Of Douchebaggery

There's no way the Los Angeles Kings won't win the Stanley Cup this upcoming season. This has to be one of the strongest first lines ever put together since LFO.

We In Here Talkin' Bout Crack

We talkin' bout crack! We not even talkin' bout powder. How the hell can I make my customers better by sellin' to them? Crack! Crack! What you know bout crack?

You may not know 'bout crack yet but Allen Iverson's stepdad can fill you in. Michael Andre Freeman was indicted on federal drug distribution charges which include possession with intent to distribute. Crack was found in Freeman's car after a routine traffic stop in April.

It's one piece of good news after the other in Newport News. First Ron Mexico finds Jebus and now this. Freeman should have asked Marion Barry for advice on how to beat the rap. Mayor for Life don't play when it comes to freedom.