Saturday, June 30, 2007

Random Video: Bugs Bunny Baseball

Its the weekend, and it is too nice to be stuck inside and posting, so I leave you with a classic Bugs Bunny cartoon of him playing ball on the Polo Grounds. Enjoy it if you're stuck inside this weekend.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Slipin n' Slidin Into The Summer

In a desperate attempt to find something not related to the NBA Draft or Chris Benoit to blog about, the Deuce reached back to our collective childhoods and thought about how we might wish to be spending these dog days of summer...and then I found 4 guys holding their own Slip n' Slide Championships and thought, "Fuckit, this is getting posted and I am sleeping."

Thursday, June 28, 2007

The Constitutional Vol. 7

Giving the little guys a chance because apparently Deadspin wont. Welcome to the Constitutional.

NBA Styles Have Come A Long Way...

...and when i mean a long way, I mean that they've come a long way from being bad to being fucking horrible., in preparation for their Draft today, has posted a slideshow of "Draft Styles" over the years, and it is hilarious and gruesome at once, but there is definitely one shot that I think best captures the moment of awkwardness that comes with walking up to a napoleonic David Stern immediately after just being chosen to be a multi-millionaire:

Stern's mustache is EPIC while Olajuwon's tux with red (why red??) bow tie really sets off his vacant "Who the fuck is this midget?" and "Did I get drafted over Michael Jordan?" zombie-stare.

Link to slideshow
Photos by Andy Hayt/NBAE/Getty Images & Noren Trotman/NBAE/Getty Images

The Best Damn Pool Shot...Period

I must know how long this took to set up.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Wayne Rooney's Cougar

So we'll try to make this soccer roundup a regular Wednesday feature. Don't think that means we're a thing ... cause we're not. Let's just see where this goes. Don't look at me like that. Come on girl. You know we can't get much better.

Let Me Be The First To Welcome Our New Masters

The pace of foreigner buying Premiership teams has picked up considerably in the past months. Ex-Thai prime minister Thaksin Shinawatra is still sniffing around Manchester City like a dog going for the ball check. Arsenal is holding off American Stan Kroenke with the Heisman like an ugly girl at the club. Hong Kong businessman Carson Yeung has had less drama and has managed to purchase 29.9% of Birmingham City's shares from several directors such as sex shop and porn kings David Sullivan and the Gold Brothers.

A complete takeover isn't a guarantee but it could still happen. One has to think 29.9% of all shares entitles Yeung to whatever sex toys and porno mags he finds at St. Andrews. This sets up the awesome possibility of Yeung beating Mikael Forssell senseless with a 12-inch black dildo a la Hatchet Harry when he comes off injured for the 436th time.

There's A Joke In Here Somewhere

Poland and Ukraine are hosting the 2012 Euro tournament. Yeah, let that sink in for a minute. One of the problems is that the current stadiums and roads are in poor condition. To top that off, many construction workers have emigrated to western Europe for better paying jobs. Problem? No problem, my best sincerity friend!

Ain't nobody talkin' when I'm talkin' so shut the fuck up. Poland is considering using prisoners to build the necessary stadiums and roads.

Pawel Nasilowski, deputy head of Poland's prison service, said it could form part of a European Union-funded programme to rehabilitate prisoners.
Sometimes the jokes write themselves. That's all I'm saying. I'm off to Poland in August and the last thing I need is bad karma (mmmm chicken korma) or a posse comitatus released on my ass. Oh we're big in Poland. We're also huge in Niger, Bhutan and Pitcairn Island (mmmm incest).

There's Only One God Called Xenu

Don't be surprised if you start finding Dianetics on your seat at your next LA Galaxy game. The New Zealand Herald reports that David Beckham's prime homey Tom Cruise is considering an $80M takeover of the Galaxy.

The article is "surprisingly" short on details but it does raise the possibility of halftime rants about the dangers of anti-psychotic drugs given by Cruise and John Travolta. Perhaps our mini-demigod can help Landycakes get over his fear of European soccer.

This Average Homeboy Likes Sports and Things

It is old but new to me. Denny "Blazin" Hazen loves sports and is difficult to stop laughing long enough to type up anything to go along with this. Let me collect myself...ok. This dude is a self proclaimed "average" white guy who likes sports and rapping, can lay the ball up in a hoop, swing a baseball bat at an imaginary ball and rap as if he were living in 1986, complete with backing Casio keyboard drums. Sure, it is old, but I honestly don't know how my life was complete without having seen this, its like an Oprah motivational speech telling me "You, at the very least, are better than him."

This...had to hurt


A Heartfelt Thanks

I cannot email everyone that made the past 24 hours the biggest day in the Deuce of Davenport history so far, but I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you to all those that loved the cereal box story as much as I did. So many people linked or checked out the story it'd take a huge endeavor to link everyone back that loved the story, but I just wanted everyone to know that Trapper, Mustafa and I appreciate all of you reading our madness and hope you check us out out again and keep the comments going. If you wish to contribute more weirdness to the Deuce, we're always available at mailATdeuceofdavenportDOTcom. Thank you all again so much.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Bastard Child Of Two Non-Sports

So yesterday the great guys at 100% Injury Rate brought you the joys of Extreme Pogo and Extreme Unicycling. Today, we have found the bastard love child of the two non-sports...Extreme Pogocycling.

I think we've entered a new dimension of SUCK...and yet, I too like to move it move it at times.

Someone Please Create A Caption

We don't normally do create a caption contests here on the Deuce, but listen to me people...we have to for this. How fucking weird is this picture?? Christ it freaks me out. I know you people are reading this site. We have like a billions ways of determining site traffic. There's been a bit of chattiness in the comments lately (shout out to my man Skin Patrol), so who else is out there and reading our stuff. Chime in, make a funny caption, let us know who you are so we can get to know our readers. For the love of all creatures big and small this picture is too God-damned freaky to not have a corresponding fucked up caption.

The Constitutional Vol. 6

Even Stormtroopers must take a break for this. Welcome to the Constitutional.

Actual Sports Cereals You Didn't Know Existed

these have no flavor at all

known to cause kidney failure

loses consistency in seconds

might cause irritability and feelings of unstableness

all flash no substance

you will suck if you eat this

might have used Chinese wheat gluten as filler ingredient to make it seem mo' better than it really was

good, but not as good as people thought

expensive. but didn't deliver any satisfaction

may cause weight gain*

so try these and watch his new tv show*

*These Shaq snacks aren't cereal but crackers, i just liked the boxes. Everything else, actual cereal you can buy...somewhere.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Shaq Gives Championship Ring for Food

Shaq's generosity is on full display in this story from SporTech Matter and the Sun

Shaquille O’Neal, like Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas and Dan Marino, is a regular at tiny Café Martorano in Fort Lauderdale -- and a friend of Steve, the owner.

When O’Neal stopped by around Christmas 2006, for the first time in a while, he promised Martorano that he had ordered a present for him: a championship ring.

“I laughed at him,” Martorano said. “Where’s it at?”

O’Neal told Martorano that Heat community affairs director Steve Stowe would be contacting him. But Martorano still hadn’t received his ring by the time O’Neal appeared at the grand opening of the second restaurant at the Rio Hotel in Las Vegas. Then O’Neal’s teammate, Eddie Jones, told Martorano that he couldn’t believe the restauranteur had fallen for O’Neal’s story.

So, naturally, Martorano was surprised when Stowe - dining at the Fort Lauderdale location Wednesday night -- peeked out the window and then welcomed O’Neal inside. They held a private ceremony in the kitchen. O’Neal thanked Martorano for being good to him and his family, and told him: “Enjoy this.”

“There are a couple of highlights in my life,” Martorano said. “The birth of my children, opening a second business in Las Vegas. This was another one. Getting a championship ring from Shaquille O’Neal.”

I'd write more commentary but it's been a busy day today...make your own in the comments. Sure seems like that Shaq is one swell guy.

Protect Ya Neck

Wu-Wear better jump on this. Security clothing company Bladerunner Kevlar Protection and artist Dr. Zulu have collaborated to come out with a stylish Kevlar, knife resistant hoodie. That image you see on the hoodie is actually the chemical compound for Kevlar all over it.

This is obviously for the skater who likes to skate in TEH MOST X-TREME neighborhoods. EXTREME TO THE MAX!

Head nod to SlamXHype

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Kimbo WINS!

Our man Kimbo Slice defeated former heavyweight champion "Merciless" Ray Mercer on Saturday. We were rooting for Kimbo last friday when we discussed his turn from underground to mainstream. Our friends at Our Book of Scrap found the video, which is probably well on its way to being taken off the internet, so watch and watch now to see the Merciless one ask for MERCY by tapping out, allowing Kimbo the win. Faaaantastic!