Friday, December 14, 2007

Fantasy Sports Have Gone Too Far

The largest payout in fantasy sports history has just been offered and it is not for the sport you think. As you can probably guess from the bosomy lady above, this payout isn't for fantasy football...it is for Fantasy Fishing. FLW Fantasy Fishing is paying out over $1.7 million in cash and prizes (boats, cars, trucks, ATVs, personal watercrafts, gift cards and more) during the Wal-Mart FLW Tour which includes a guaranteed $1 million cash grand prize to the winning fantasy fishing team.

So for your chance at the millions, you have to create and rank your own pro angler team of 10 anglers you think will place the highest in the each of the 7 FLW Tour events. The lucky fella who earns the most cumulative points over the seven events wins a cool 1 million bucks.

“Fantasy sports history will be made,” said Irwin Jacobs, chairman of FLW Outdoors. “Anyone could win and become the first-ever fantasy sports millionaire just by playing FLW Fantasy Fishing."

“With the popularity and profile of professional angling on the rise and with the first-ever, recently awarded $1 million first-place payout at the 2007 Forrest Wood Cup, we knew it was time to give the public an opportunity to win as well,”

Yes, fantasy sports have gone too far. The shocking thing is not that you now can become a millionaire from a fantasy sport, its that you can actually have a freakin' fantasy fishing team. I thought fantasy poker, golf and Nascar were bad, but this is possibly the dumbest thing I've heard of.

And yet...I am going to have to play in it just for a shot at that damn million dollars. Curse my love of the ever weakening dollar! What is next for fantasy sports? Is there fantasy spelling bee yet? Fantasy Competative Eating?

From FLWOutdoors
Fantasy Fishing site is here
Fishing babe from here

The Greatest Movie Ever Made

Ok, so this isn't really sports related, but I just saw this movie trailer for what has to be the single greatest (worst?) film EVER MADE. You cannot go wrong with a film that has a hot young Asian schoolgirl, who has a machine gun for an arm, with ninjas and the yakuza, sex, revenge, incredibly graphic violence with chainsaws, a flying guillotine, a drill bra and oh...did I mention SHE HAS A MACHINE GUN FOR A FUCKING ARM! Well you can go wrong, but it would be difficult. Alright, enough mindless filler hype...give this a view if you've never seen this and you are a B Movie/Kung Fu fan. Probably want to put the headphones on if you're at work.

Rasheed Wallace: The Lost Wu-Tang Member

Rasheed Wallace, like a few NBA players, enjoys rapping. He got caught on film entering the arena by ESPN rapping recently, but did you know that that isn't his first rap caught on tape? Watch below, we've got the ESPN video, then some other YouTube video that claims to be Rasheed's rapping on an album. Every motherfuckin' baller wants to be a rapper and every motherfuckin' rapper wants to be a baller. Its the same old story, G.



Thursday, December 13, 2007

Twas The Night Before The Mitchell Report

'Twas the night before the Mitchell Report, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

The needles were trashed by the attendants with care,
In knowing that St. Mitchell soon would be there;

The players were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of suspensions danced in their heads;

And Selig in his cheap suit and Fehr in his pleats,
Had just settled down from a long winter's meets,

When out on the field there arose such a clatter,
Selig sprang from his office to see what was the matter.

Away to the window he flew like a flash,
Tore open the mini-blinds and threw up in the trash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,

When, what to his wondering eyes should meet,
But a bald headed man, and eight tiny athletes,

With a little old body, but so lively and fickle,
He knew in a moment it must be St. Mitchell.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Bonds! now, Gullien! now, Sosa and Clemens!
On, Tejada! on Giambi! on, Ankiel and Leyritz!

To the top of the ballpark! to Capitol Hill on the Mall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

As dry heaves follow Selig's regurgitated pie,
When they meet with the press, and pray to the sky,

So up to the press-room the coursers they flew,
With a town car full of needles, indictments, Mitchell too.

And then, in a twinkling, Selig heard on the tube
The hemming and hawing of each ball playing dude.

As he drew in his hand, and was turning around,
Down the hall St. Mitchell came with a bound.

He was dressed all in black, in his hand was a book,
And the book told the tales of many a crook;

A bundle of pages he said told the truth,
Of a number of players whom he was sent to sleuth.

His eyes -- black like a hole! his glasses how boring!
His jowls like chicken theighs, his nose caused him snoring!

His sour little mouth was drawn down like a loon,
And the skin of his chin was as wrinkled as a prune;

The specter of a steroids he held tight in his grip,
And the terror it gave caused a many tear drip ;

He had a tiny face and a little bic pen,
That pointed when he spoke again and again.

He was lean and thin, a right miserable old elf,
And Selig cowered when he saw him, in spite of himself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave Selig to know he had everything to dread;

He spoke many a word, and told of his works,
And filled all the public, with stories of jerks;

And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, out the press room he rose;

He sprang to his Lincoln Town Car, to the players gave a bow,
And to their agents they all ran with many a furrowed brow.

But Selig heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"Happy Mitchell Report to all, and to all a good-night."

Inspiration for this story was this post by the 800lb Gorilla. Their title made me do this.

UPDATE: The gals at Babes Love Baseball have their own take they put up after the report came out. Its quite good, I'd recommend reading it.

FUK U DOME!!!


Sorry. I just wanted to get that out of the way before everyone piles on.

Random Video of Horrific Violence: Roof Rollerblading

This is why you should NOT rollerblade off your roof. This is one of the worst face plants i've seen or heard. Just watch the recoil from his face hitting the ground. Yikes, not for the faint of heart. Enjoy your random video of horrific violence Thursday.

Wayne Rooney's Cougar

It's been a while since we've had a soccer roundup. Sorry for leaving you hanging like that. Didn't expect you to be waiting here after all this time. Let's do this.

Dominus Ominus. Run That Donerkabob!


First the Kurds and now the crosses. It seems like everyone's against Turkey these days. Good thing people like the military and Fenerbahce are there to stand up for all the little Ataturkamanics out there.

A Turkish lawyer is demanding that UEFA rescind the three points Inter Milan took from Fenerbahce during the Champions League group stage because...Inter were wearing jerseys displaying a large red cross.

The shirt's scheme saw a big red cross on a white background, a symbol of the city of Milan, and reminded many of an emblem of the order of the Templars, which is considered offensive in Islamic culture.

Inter consciously did not wear their 'centenary shirt' in their first match against Fenerbahce in Istanbul, but at home, they did not think it was necessary to do the same.
Basis Kaska, a European law expert, filed the official protest after the Turkish media and viewers raised a ruckus.

Inter has worn the centenary jersey on several occasions. They decided not to wear the shirt in Istanbul because it would be insulting but thought it wouldn't be in Milan? Interesting. Mi scusi!


Sometimes The Jokes Write Themselves

Steven Gerrard. Liverpool. Dirty thieving Scousers. Home burglary.

Football365 put it best. Stereotypes makes things easy.

Come on down, $tevie Me! You're the next Liverpool player to get jacked! Steven Gerrard is the sixth Liverpool player to be robbed while away on international or Champions League duty.

Gerrard's WAG, Alex Curran was in the house along with another woman when they were confronted by burglars in hoods. The robbers made off with jewlery.

At this point, Ladbrokes should be taking wagers on the next Liverpool player to be jacked. It might be a little harder for thieves since England's staying home during the international breaks. If the thieves are Liverpool fans (if...hah!), they'd rob the worst performing players to make them step their game up.


Where In The World Is Ray Lewis


There's no way Ray Lewis could have taken Sunday night's blowout loss to the Colts well. I know I was in a stabby mood by halftime. I mean how is it possible to score that many points in one quarter?? I digress.

If Ray Ray's like me except with means, he would have gone to Rome to blow off some stea.....Wait it looks like he did. How do I know?
Five Manchester United fans were taken to hospital tonight and two Britons arrested following trouble ahead of the Champions League tie with Roma at the Stadio Olimpico. Manchester-based police initially confirmed they had received reports of three supporters being stabbed but the number requiring medical assistance rose even though there was nowhere near the same scale of violence that scarred the last meeting between the two teams in April. The precise extent of the injuries sustained in the trouble has not been verified.
That's how I know.

United ended up drawing 1-1 with Roma. They're through to the knockout stages while Rangers shamed Scotland by losing 3-0 to Lyon in a must-win match.


And Who Would That Be, Tommy? Ze Austrians?


Not if the Austrians have anything to do with it.

You'd think Austria would be all excited and shit about hosting Euro 2008 especially since the English and their cultured, respectful fans won't be in attendance. However this isn't the case.

They do want to co-host the tournament with Switzerland. They'd just prefer it if their national team didn't participate. As a matter of fact, they'd like the people to make sure it doesn't happen by signing a petiton which states the following:

Dear football fans!

Your entering this site is no coincidence.
It means you care about attractive football.
It means you appreciate a blind pass that actually reaches its destination.
It means you thoroughly enjoy amazing dribbling skills.
It means you jump for joy when a free kick is expertly bent into the far corner of the goal.
In short: it means you love this great sport for the sheer beauty of it.

However, it also means you fall into a dismal state of depression when watchimg a match featuring the Austrian national football team.
For all those displays of true skill, on a field taken by our team, occur about as frequently as meteorite impacts.
This cannot be blamed on anyone.

Even though we have spent twenty years buying ageing stars, even though wealthy patrons supply one of our clubs with several times their usual budgets only to be rewarded with a fraction of their success of lore, even though twenty-six-year-olds who barely stumble through their second match playing for foreign second-league clubs are discovered as incredibly promising new talents and immediately ordered into the national team - nothing so far has helped.

It cannot be denied: the performance of the Austrian team is an insult to your sense of aesthetics as well as to what you expect from this sport. Their participating in the EURO 2008 is to you a contradiction in itself. We understand.

By signing this Petitionyou urge the Austrian Football Association (Ă–sterreichischer FuĂźballbund; OEFB) to voluntarily resign from participating in the EURO 2008.
Austria was once a country with a keen sense for aesthetics. „...a people gifted for beauty“, as a verse of our national anthem states - an anthem our players barely manage to stammer along to, as they palefacedly contemplate yet another grueling encounter with the ball and the opponent.

We want to show the world that we still embrace beauty. And at the same time, we want to do something that is as alien to our people as the names of our strikers are to foreign football experts: To show some dignity!

It's hard to argue with that.

Thanks to RH for the tip.


Sex Shrek

Memories...

60% of the time, it works every time? Please, we're talking 80% here.

Step aside, Sex Panther. Wayne Rooney has a new scent that's going to be illegal in 13.5 countries. It's called Sex Shrek. It's too much for just cologne. It's going to be the signature scent in a new line of toiletries being launched by Rooney. The line will also include a shower gel and deodorant.

It's expected the line will be a success. A focus group of 300 over-50 hookers was used and 80% can't be wrong.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Petrino Joins Exclusive Club

By now you've all read that Bobby Petrino has quit 13 games into his first season as an NFL coach to go become the head coach at Arkansas. This got me wondering, what other NFL coaches had quit in the middle of his first season as an NFL head coach...that list was small.

Since the AFL/NFL merger, only one coach quit in the middle of a season, Lou Holtz. Coincidentally, Lou went to go coach Arkansas after quitting just 13 games into his first season as a NFL head coach (for the Jets). Lou fared pretty well with the razorbacks, going 60-21-2 with 6 bowl games. After getting fired and going to Minnesota, then moving on to Notre Dame, well, people forgot that he was a quitter in the NFL.

So the question is, will that happen with Petrino?

Well, Petrino was a pretty good head coach at Louisville, but he has only been a head coach for 4 years at the collegiate level and about two thirds of a pro season. Holtz, on the other hand, coached 7 years in college at two schools before his job in the NFL, where he quit with just one game left. Edge goes to Holtz on this one, he was a pretty established coach already. Petrino just had one recruiting cycle to prove himself and he didn't do anything in the pros to show he could coach on much more balanced playing field.

Coaching skills aside, the real reason Petrino will never be seen as anything more than a quitter is that he is really lacking is some personality. Holtz had (and still has) that in spades. Some people describe Petrino's personality as "that of a doorknob"...that doesn't bode well in the rewriting of his history. The media and fans will eat him faster than his former players did. Who wants to consider Petrino's side of the story when no one can stand the guy? He might always be "a quitter".

Bobby Petrino has pretty much shot himself in the foot. He will be adored only by Arkansas fans, but only if he wins. If he loses he will be castigated there like he currently is throughout the nation and it might very well end his career as a head coach. Nick Saban hasn't recovered from his quitting the Dolphins one year removed from doing so and it will be awhile before people forget that. This looks to be way worse. If he doesn't win in Arkansas, he is probably done.

(note, if my 5 seconds of research on this issue is wrong, do let me know!)

Watch The New Blog Show

We made it again, much thanks to Jamie and Dan for giving us the hookup for the Staubach video. Watch the whole thing and enjoy!

Monday, December 10, 2007

Old And Busted: Soulja Boy

New Hotness: Jonathan Ogden

Ravens tackle Jonathan Ogden has come a long way from his initial Gebco efforts. He's learned one or two more steps and dropped the acting. Too bad he didn't have a chance to use those dancing skils last night. Witness the brilliance that is Jonathan Ogden. Jazz hands!!

Have Yourself An NFL Christmas

For the devoted NFL fan, the holidays present a difficult time where you are supposed to take down all the beautiful fatheads, posters of the players you idolize, the starting lineup action figures, the jerseys, etc...and put up holiday decorations dedicated to some fat guy in a red suit who is the coach of a team of elves. Its difficult. Well, we at the Deuce have you covered. We're going to show you how to decorate your house for Christmas...NFL style.

No one ever said the NFL did not do everything in its power to make a buck...and we're here to show you that Christmas isn't really about baby Jesus or crass commercialism, its just another way to show your NFL fandom.

First off, you need a stocking on the fireplace, hung with care of course. Luckily, the NFL has branded some for you!
Look at that, they have even stuck that fat red guy on the stocking, like he is a part of your favorite team. That's just fantastic. If you want a more traditional look for your stocking, you can get it in team colors with no fat red guy on top, like this:

Ok, now that we have stockings covered, we must move to the tree. You've got this big dead tree sitting in your residence that is covered by lights and nick knacks that mean nothing to you whatsoever. The only thing that means anything to you is your NFL team, right? Well you are in luck...the NFL has branded some for you!

Wow, nothing says Christmas more than having an NFL team helmet, logo, fat guy in an NFL branded outfit, or nutcrackers with NFL branded hats adorning a tree. But this tree would be dark if it did not have lights on it. Wouldn't you know it? The NFL has branded some for you!
Oh, and if you have a tree in your house, well you must put a skirt around it to collect those falling needles. Guess what, the NFL has branded some for you!

</a