Friday, April 4, 2008


Nothing says success like a pimp chalice. Of course, people will want to know what is in your cup. Here is where the real is separated from the weave. Make sure you're real and not unbeweavable by drinking only the best. Wines from Little Jonathan Winery. WHAT!! YEAH!!

The Cleveland Three-Card Monte

The Cleveland Three-Card Monte isn't as famous as the Cleveland Steamer yet but give it some time. If Phil Savage pulls a couple more moves like this, the whole world will know the Cleveland Monte. Perhaps not as well as the Donkey Punch but close enough.

Browns GM Phil Savage resigned QB Derek Anderson to a 3year, $26 million extension in part for his play last season but also to spite the Cowboys and Dolphins. Wha?

Savage admitted that he was worried that Dallas would sign Anderson then trade him to the Dolphins and he just couldn't have that.

Dallas would have signed Anderson to a big contract and included a "poison pill," which would have made it impossible for the Browns to match the offer.

Dallas would have compensated the Browns with first- and third-round picks. They would be the Cowboys' original selections, No. 28 overall in both rounds.

Dallas would have traded Anderson and their other first-round pick - No. 22 overall, obtained from the Browns last year - to Miami for the No. 1 overall pick in the draft. The Cowboys then would select Arkansas running back Darren McFadden with that pick.
Savage was suspicious that Bill Parcells wouldn't return calls before the Feb. 29 tender deadline. He just couldn't live starting a douchebag at QB and we have to respect that.

There would be nothing to see here if that were the only reason Savage boxed out the Cowboys. However our resident conspiracy theorist "also thought the Cowboys would lend Parcells a hand in the transaction partly to tweak the Browns for looking good in the Brady Quinn trade of a year ago, which resulted in a much lower pick for the Cowboys than anticipated."

Yeeeeah that's it. The Cowboys already have their own douchebag who dates never-been singers and chokes under pressure. We're surprised Romo wasn't in the hot tub with Leinart and Lachey. It must suck when you don't get invited to amateur hour. Tom Brady's probably laughing at these clowns and think, "Dude, I was so never like that." as he blocks out the fact that he dated the same Tara Reid as Kyle Boller.

Fuck it. We already got political even though we said we wouldn't. If getting political means pinching the squid then we'd sure like to get political with Amy Holmes. When it comes to looks, you can keep your HRC. We brought it back to the gutter. You happy?

A Dishonest Footballer In England??

Heavens to Mergatroid! Next thing, you're going to tell me that Mr. Mugabe is not an honorable man. It's ridiculous how some British like to hold themselves above the rest of Europe as though they are immune to problems that affect other countries on the continent. Kind of like...Oh we don't want to get too political here. We see the assclowns from all sides that comment on most political sites. No wonder we elect the hacks we do in this country.

The English press has had a free-for-all over bribery and corruption in the continental leagues but in the words of Malcolm X and Rev. Wright, the chickens have come home to roost. Don't they always? Where else would they go? I want my chickens where I can see them.

The Independent reports that a footballer with a £50,000 gambling debt admitted that he fixed a match in the past two years to satisfy the debt. The unnamed player, who fell victim to Gamlor and is now in rehab, confessed that his bookie promised to release him from the debt if he got himself sent off and had three teammates booked. All the above happened as planned and the player checked himself into rehab as he was "ashamed and full of remorse" like Mark Foley without the booze (booze meaning boy love).

The suggestion that any match has been fixed - or that significant events within it have been rigged - is a nightmare scenario for football's authorities. It is confirmation that football in Britain is not immune to the corruption that has recently blighted other nations - including Italy, Germany and Poland - albeit with personal addiction as a driving force, as opposed to institutional corruption or large-scale criminal syndicates in those cases.
Institutional corruption or large-scale criminal syndicates could never affect football in Britain. Sheeeit, the suggestion that somehow British football is immune to the same factors that cause continental corruption is absurd. "Oh that could never happen here." Guess what? It is. People are fooling themselves if they think it isn't. There's too much money, ego and stupidity in the game these days.

Gambling is a problem with people including athletes the world over. There's no reason British football should be any different. There are players who consider suicide because of gambling addiction just as there are many whose careers and family lives are affected. When young players are getting paid the way professional athletes do in the top leagues, there are going to be issues related to excess including gambling. Just ask Michael Jordan, Michael Owen and Art Schlichter of the late, great Baltimore Colts. Damn you to hell, Elway and Irsay.

Currently the FA allows players to bet on matches in which they have no involvement or could influence. American sports leagues seem to take a hardline stance especially in light of the Tim Donaghy scandal. Leagues outside of the US take a more flexible position such as the FA. People including athletes are going to bet on sports and it seems silly to pretend gambling doesn't exist when we constantly pay attention to point spreads and it generates so much money. However people do need to believe that the results they see are legit. What is the middle ground? Mustafa is going back to the lab until he has an answer.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Thank You Chris Henry

Just when you thought the Bengals would get through the off-season without any arrests, Chris Henry comes to the rescue like the Brown Hornet.

A warrant has been issued for Henry's arrest after an incident where Henry allegedly punched an 18-year old kid and broke his car window with a beer bottle.

We can't wait to hear what Carson Palmer has to say about this. Jay Cutler just threw Brandon Marshall under the bus so Palmer has to wreck Henry.

Henry, in turn, has thrown down the gauntlet for the rest of the Bengals. It seemed as though no one was willing to step up and get in trouble with the law. This is a call to arms!

"Aye, get arrested and you may get suspended. Hide and you'll play -- at least a while. And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our paychecks but they'll never take our (figurative) FREEDOM!!"
Who's with him?

Our Little Danny's All Growns Up

Tom Cruise, wife Katie Holmes and Chelsea midfielder Shaun Wright-Phillips at a Redskins game

He's all growns up and he's all growns up! At least that's what Lil' Danny like you to think.

Redskins owner Dan Snyder insists that he's matured after a few missteps along the way.
"There are a bunch of things I wish I would have done differently," Mr. Snyder told The Washington Times yesterday at the annual NFL meetings. "I've made plenty of mistakes, but I've learned from my mistakes as a good entrepreneur, a good CEO would do. I've matured. I wasn't patient enough in certain areas early on. I didn't understand the game the way I do now. I didn't understand the agents, the contractual relationship with the salary cap, the importance of the age of players. Now it's easy for me, second nature."
It's so easy that he made the Redskins a laughing stock this off-season after their comedic, slapstick coaching search that ended up with Jim Zorn after 1,000 assistants said no and used the team for leverage with their current teams.

Let's not even talk about his love for Tom Cruise-sized receivers. Oh yeah, things are really gonna change for the maroon and black this season.

Has Arthur Blank Been Getting High Off His Own Supply?

Don't be surprised if you see Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank roaming the aisles of your local Home Depot mumbling, "I can't quit you, Ron" while huffing glue like a Brazilian street kid. What other reason could he have for talking about the redemption of Michael Vick?

Blank spoke with the Atlanta Journal-Constitution's Steve Wyche in an interview about the state of the Falcons. He admitted that he has been in touch with Vick and that they have written each other several times.

Q: Have you been in touch with Michael Vick?

A: Michael has written a couple times. I've written him back. We have that kind of relationship. Despite the mixture of frustration, anger and disappointment in him, I believe in second chances and redemption. I would love to see Michael pay his debt to society and come out and play again in the NFL. I think he could also be a big help to ... speak to people about some of his choices.

Q: Would you welcome him back to the Falcons?

A: I would not say yes. I would not say no. At this point, Michael is in a federal penitentiary [on a dogfighting conviction] and is suspended from football. We have to move forward. We are moving forward. We have to assume he's not coming back. I do wish him well. I'd love to see him play again. It would be good for the NFL.
Of course Vick should get another chance in the NFL once he's served his sentence however one has to question the possibility of Vick returning to the Falcons. The Falcons' acceptance of him would almost be equivalent to the battered wife taking back the abusive husband. He had plenty of chances and burned the team at every turn. The team is a wreck in large part because of him. Let's also give Bobby Petrino his props.

The Falcons need to make a clean break and start fresh. Let some other team like the Bengals make Vick their redemption project. We can't imagine Blank would seriously consider taking him back but someone might want to check the glue stock in case.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

You Don't Win Friends With Salad

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the greatest technology known to man: The iHam.

Can't Truss It

It was a great time to be a baseball fan in Chicago during 2003 unless you were on the South Side. I remember following the Cubs trip to the playoffs with the excitement of someone who didn't have a vested interest besides wanting to see a Cubs-Red Sox World Series so the Cubs fans could finally get the monkey off their backs and Red Sox fans could come within touching distance of the prize before having it ripped away once again.

I was sitting in a Chicago bar with a friend watching Game 6 and everything was on track until the Bartman. At least that's what most people think. Everyone remembers some guy reaching out and interfering with Moises Alou as he tried to make a catch. The ball fell foul and the Cubs' dream of reaching the World Series immediately fell into the toilet. Everyone blames Steve Bartman for the Cubs losing that Series but most forget Alex Gonzalez committing a colossal fuckup error that led to eight runs instead of closing out the inning. It was also Game 6 but everyone including myself knew the Cubs weren't winning Game 7.

Five years later, Moises Alou has finally admitted that there was no way he would have caught that ball. Really, dude? It must have taken so much for you to come forward. Saying that earlier might have saved Bartman from the death threats and pariah status he still carries instead of saying that you hoped he didn't regret it the rest of his life. Shit, Salman Rushdie comes out in public and he has a fatwa against him. When was the last time anyone saw Bartman? He's become the chupacabra of Chicago.

Why You Gotta Be All Racialist And S**t

While we may say we're related to Billy Ocean because it just sounds different enough to be believable, people may be a little skeptical of the Deuce's views on race. Don't judge us based on the fact that we're named after a shit joke or think being related to Billy Ocean makes us experts on race. We're so much more than that.

Saying that, I still have no idea why Europeans call slights against people from different regions or religions "racialist". I do like saying that much more than "racist". It's deep like the mind of Minolta.

If there's one country that's good at being racialist on the DL, it's France. Never mind that "liberté, égalité, fraternité" nonsense if you're not white. Apparently northern France gets no love either.

The city of Lens is in a tizzy over the French Cup final against PSG in Paris. A banner translated into "
Paedophiles, unemployed, inbred: welcome chez les Ch'tis" was unfurled during the match. The banner refers to a popular movie about people from northern France.

Lens mayor Guy Delacourt is demanding a replay as though the banner had anything to do with the performances on the pitch.

'Even if we had won the game, I would have asked for a replay,' Delcourt, who is also a member of parliament, told a news conference on Sunday.

'I took the banner as an insult to all the people of northern France, to all the mineworkers who died for our country,' he added.

'I'm going to file a complaint and I'm asking the judge to hear as a witness President Nicolas Sarkozy and all the ministers who attended the game. We'll go all the way. It's an affair of state.'
First, no one should listen to anyone whose first name is Guy or Bro. Disco Guy Lafleur may get a pass because his first name is Disco. Second, Mayor Guy should know better than to think France is actually going to be pro-active when it comes to matters of discrimination. Anyway, Sarkozy is too busy getting it on with his missus to worry about northern monkeys being insulted by southern fairies.

Speaking of Billy Ocean, why has no one pointed out that Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car is a stalker/child molester theme song? "Hey you, get into my car! Who me? Yes you, get into my car!" Reading the lyrics is like reading a stalker or NAMBLA playbook. Change the car to a white van for kids. Billy should be ashamed.

Steve Bisciotti Says _________________ Is Not An Offensive Genius

Someone get the license of that bus that wrecked Brian Billick. Baltimore Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti wasted no words in explaining the circumstances of Brian Billick's firing.

SUN: Billick said he was never given a reason for his firing. Have you talked to him since his dismissal?

SB: No, I haven't talked to him. I certainly will this spring. I've been through thousands of hirings and hundreds of firings in my business career. As Brian stated [in February], it was clear that I had made up my mind and there was no reason to push it any further. You know how much I care about Brian. No matter how detailed the reasons, he's not going to agree with them. That's my experience with this process. I'm in the enviable or the unenviable position depending on how you look at it of being the person that ultimately has to decide that we need change.
Bisciotti chalked up Billick's firing to a "deterioration of confidence in him and his coaching staff". He agreed that the players' feelings about Billick led him to fire the offensive genius after giving him a vote of confidence earlier in the season.

There's something refreshing about Bisciotti's honesty except when he says that Steve McNair can be the starting quarterback this upcoming season. Lie to me, Stevie. Tell me sweet little lies. It's bad enough the Orioles have already met expectations with 161 games left.

Don't feel too bad for Billick. Just wait until he goes head to head with Emmitt Smith on Countdown. Welcome to your personal hell, genius.

Day Labor Ain't For Salvadorans Any More

I'm Giving Up Love My Baby

It's always tough to see two people in love go through a bad patch. We've seen it with Tom Arnold and Roseanne. Bobby and Whitney. R. Kelly and that underage girl. Say it ain't so, Jay and Brandon.

Denver Broncos QB Jay Cutler is sick of WR Brandon Marshall's shit and he's not gonna take it anymore.

"I support him and stuff, but it's always something with him right now," Cutler told a small media contingent at Dove Valley in a wide-ranging, surprisingly candid interview.

...The third-year quarterback admitted about Marshall, only half- joking, that "He's not my favorite person right now."

"This wasn't like his DUI and other stuff he's had. It was an accident. But, still, stuff like this can't happen," Cutler said. "Hopefully, this is the last."
As to Marshall's claim that the horseplay that led to his arm injury was a wake-up call,
"I mean, a DUI is a wake-up call. He's had many wake-up calls," Cutler said. "He's been in (coach Mike) Shanahan's office many times. I've been up there with him and he's said the same thing, 'It's a wake-up call, a lot of things are going to happen.' Blah, blah, blah. Until he goes out and proves it, we'll see what happens."
It's hard to see Jake Plummer or Brian Griese stepping up like Cutler. Plummer would just walk away and Griese would trip ... sorry, fall over shitfaced in the driveway and knock himself out before showing any kind of leadership.

Cutler didn't stop there. He proceeded to call out Javon Walker, the left tackles, the kicker, management and the beer guy. It's about time Denver had some leadership at the QB position. Hopefully that'll keep him safe when the left tackle lets the blitz through on the weak side as revenge for selling him short.