Friday, June 8, 2007

You Ate All The Pies

Welcome to the Deuce's first soccer roundup of the offseason, you fat bastard. Yeah we have internationals all summer but they're just good for exaggeration, hyperbole and humiliation. I'm looking at you, Enguhland.

Fish Don't Burn In The Kitchen, Beans Don't Burn On The Grill

It was all cute and shit when Bud screamed "King Me!" as he worked Cliff in checkers on the Cosby Show. It'll be funnier when David "Goldenballs" Beckham screams the same when he receives his knighthood. It'll also be pathetic when you realize that Bud's pre-teen voice is higher than Beckham's.

Becks is in line to receive a knighthood for his role in securing the 2012 Olympics for London and his charity work which includes saving England's ass in the Euro 2008 qualifiers.

Congrats on dodging your chav destiny, Goldenballs. You and Skeletor Spice are no longer like school on a Saturday. Nothing says arrived like a scepter and a deluxe apartment in the sky or the Home Depot Center.

Who Ate All The Pies?

That's what poor Aussie international Mark Viduka will be asking after he's introduced to the Toon faithful. Viduka is the newest Newcastle addition after signing a two-year deal on Thursday.

"I am over the moon. I am really happy. The main thing that attracted me to the club was that it is moving towards making more Magpies which I love to eat."

"What do you mean it's just the team nickname? What do you mean it's not even a pie let along food? Why the fuck did I leave Boro? Crickey, their gelatinous meat pies were to die for."
Maybe he didn't say that last part but I do find it strange that Michael Owen is trying to pull the Irish goodbye from Newcastle. It's not even about the Newcastle girls who are so ugly they could make an onion cry. His numerous injury woes make him a gimpy target if Viduka goes on a hungry rampage like a pack of wild dogs on an antelope. It's gonna get all Planet Earth at St. James Park.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

These Guys Can Sure Hit That...Note?

Recently I was typing an email in my gmail and I saw a google ad at the top that was selling a Ben Broussard music cd. A Ben Broussard what??

Thats right, Ben Broussard, 1B for the Seattle Mariners, has released an album of songs that he's written while on the road playing professional baseball. Its said to be in the mold of Jack Johnson and Counting Crows and is SURE to be a hit among the Starbucks of America. Pretty smart marketing move on his part playing for Seattle huh? You can listen to a whole bunch of audio clips of the album here on, i did and man i wanted to stick an electric screwdriver in my ear. I mean, he does the music that he wants to do well, dont get me wrong, but i tend to listen to music that has a little more distortion and screaming in it.

Seeing all this lead me to a question, how does Ben stack up not amongst other musicians...there really is no way he can do that with as much time as he puts into the baseball (i mean, come on, check out these numbers!), but amongst other baseball players who have thrown their hat out into the world of music? I give Ben's album a resounding grade of "C", about as average as you can get. Here's how the rest stack up:

Bernie Williams - Released one album in 2003 of Latin infused jazz guitar work. By all reviews, this was actually a pretty good album, by a baseball player or not. B+

Bronson Arroyo - Titled his lone album "Covering the Bases" which just should not be done when a baseball player is trying to establish himself as a serious musician. The music here is all cover songs of "alternative" and grunge classics. Not much creativity here, none of the songs sound as good as the real thing and he doesn't bring anything new or amazing to the table. Would rate it lower but Bronson's voice is not that bad, too bad he cannot write his own material. D+

Peter Gammons - Ok, i'm cheating a little here b/c Peter doesn't play baseball, but I had to acknowledge that this man actually ain't half bad. Granted the music he listens to and is influenced by is much better than he, but this guy is a pretty good old time rock n' roller. The music is kinda dated, like Peter, and his voice is a little thin but its a decent effort from a baseball writer. Slight nudge up in points for the whole album being for charity for Theo and Paul Epstein's Foundation to be Named Later. B-

Scott Radinsky - Has been out of baseball since 2001 but has been in bands since the 80s. He was previously in a punk band called Scared Straight which later became Ten Foot Pole which released 4 albums on the highly influential Southern California punk label Epitaph Records. Currently, Radinsky is in a punk band named Pulley , another melodic punk band, and has been making music full time since his departure from the majors. A- (this guy was a musician who played baseball, not the other way around! I would have given the man an A except for the fact that the music he plays is derivative pop punk crap...he's only gotten this high of a rating b/c he's been doing it so long and has actually made a pretty respectable career out of it...lots of people apparently really enjoy his music!)

Jack McDowell - Officially retired in 1999 and has been playing music ever since. His band Stickfigure has released four (i think) albums and is an "alternative" rock band in the vein of the Foo Fighters. Least he thinks so. Currently you can buy a copy of one his albums for $0.01 on That should tell you all you need to know. D

Yes, Denny Mclain, Tony Conigliaro and Lee Maye have also released albums but for the purposes of this blog post...i felt they released their albums too long ago to review em. So Ben really is right in the middle of the pack when it comes to his fellow ballplayers' music. Look for it at a Starbucks near you...if they decide to back him. Seems like its right up their alley though.

Did I miss any? Are there any other current or recently former pro ball players that have released an album? Let me know!

The Freaks Come Out At Night

1. The FBI reported that Baltimore, The City That Bleeds has the 2nd highest murder rate in the US after (Put Your Hands Up For) Detroit.

2. Ray Lewis reported to Ravens minicamp in the best shape of his NFL career. He's "looking as trim as he was during his rookie season in 1996".

His lean, mean physique is the result of a workout change in which he mostly exercised at night and added kickboxing, wrestling and swimming to his regimen.

"My body fat is crazy right now. I'm the healthiest I've ever been. That's why I don't have no nicks, no real bruises."
Murder victims have been found around the Inner Harbor with injuries consistent with piledrivers and thumps. Apparently, talk is cheap in Charm City when you can't keep your promise of destruction.

Coincidence or a c...o...n...spiracy?

Clinton Portis Ain't Even A Pets Man

Janky Spanky is having a change of heart. All dogs are puppies. He's going to love them, hug them and never let them go.

Portis has since done his own ad hoc research on the subejct and saw people crying over two humpback whales trapped in a river near San Francisco. He said he even wondered if he was being watched on a hidden camera when a woman sitting next to him at an airport spread a blanket & put down a bowl of water for her dog
The tipping point came during a meeting with Dr. I Don't Know's Dawg Council over the weekend. The council consists of DMX, Justin Timberlake (Alpha Dog), Reh Dogg and Elijah Dukes.

DMX: "Uhh love my bitches but where my (censored by Jabari Asim)?"

JT: "What did you come here for? Maybe you don't want to hit the floor. Oh, one time Joey saw Lance takin' it on doggy style and thought it was part of Darren's Dance Grooves. He wanted me to practice with him but I told him to fuck off cause Chris asked me first."

Reh Dogg: "Them dogs. That's why I must cry. I need another shower. I want the white boy to lather me while he's filmin' me."

Elijah Dukes: "Yo, them dogs ain't even bullshittin', dawg."

The Bog has a great breakdown of the Portis interview. Strong quote analysis.

Enjoy these Dolemite Jenkins highlights. Let's hope he has a similar change of heart about Madden.

*posted by Blog Show/Mr. Irrelevant's Jamie Mottram

Portis' contribution to the greatest ad campaign in the history of the world.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Snap! Goes the Elbow

Cocky Arm Wrestler Snaps Elbow

This arm wrestler thinks he's the shit...and he is, up until the moment when the other guy snaps his elbow. OW. Its not Thursday, but this Random Video of Horrific Violence is making its way around the intertubes and the Deuce had to spread the virus more.

Rosie Grier has advice for Billy Donovan

Its been a trying week for Billy Donovan, first he felt with all his heart that it was the right thing to sign a multi year, multi million dollar contract with the Orlando Magic. Days later, he had a change of heart and wanted to return back to where he did his best work, the University of Florida. So many emotions must be flowing around Billy's head, and Rosie Grier says it best...Billy, "Its alright to cry"

Side note, i still sing this song everytime some dude cries, whether I am taunting him or not, and I haven't seen this video since I was 4. Rosie and "Free to be you and me" is permanently ingrained in my memory...and I love it.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Monsoon Wedding 2: The Donkey Punches Back

Watch out India. If Robin Given's new book is anything to go by, India should hide its actresses in a cave near the Himalayan border. Mike Tyson's coming to Bollywood. You think they got mad at Richard Gere? Wait until they see how Iron Mike treats women.

Tyson wants to star in Bollywood movies after having a great experience filming a Bollywood music video. The Times of India reports "the energy on the sets of a music video he recently shot for a new comedy got him thinking about trying to do more Bollywood work".

Iron Mike danced in a music video which will promote the upcoming movie "Fool n' Final". Reportedly his style was impetuous and his defense was impregnable.

Firoz Nadiadwala, producer of "Fool n Final" presented Tyson with a script. Tyson said that they "intended to work towards it" and possibly eat some children along the way.

If this video from the Jimmy Kimmel show is anything to go by, Tyson should be a hit.

I just feel for the person who has to let him know that they have to put a midget in his belly so he can hit those high notes during his solo.

P.S. Nice to see Bobby Brown working. Here's some bonus Bobby for you.

Come on Cavs!!

In case you haven't ever heard the Cleveland Cavaliers "fight" song, has graciously put it up on the Cavaliers' page for all to listen, as well as the history of this magnificent piece of musicianship...and we say that with the straightest of faces. Ok, not really. Here's a bit of the inspirational origin of such a classic piece of American musical achievement:
So Morrow sat down at his piano and pounded out an opening refrain. ‘Come on, Cavs,’ the song began. He added a little ‘fast-break-action’ here and a ‘rally-two-by-two’ there. And a few hours later, what Cavaliers immortal, Austin Carr, calls “the best professional team fight song ever” was born.
This song is sure to take Cleveland to the top this year...even though its failed to do so every year since its inception in 1974. And so, without further ado...take a listen below.

Download or Listen to "Come On Cavs"

History of "Come on Cavs" here on
Photo of Cavaliers Great, Bingo Smith

This Man Brings You Donkey Basketball

Rob McPherson of KXLF-TV in Butte, Montana will make your local sportscaster look like the lazy sack of shit he is. Your local sportscaster spends his days sitting in the editing room, doing voice-overs, occasionally scoring a satellite video interview with some local star...but Rob McPherson shows the world how a sportscaster is supposed to do sports. He is a new hero to the Deuce and will be yours soon enough.

McPherson has a segment on KXLF aptly titled "How Hard Can It Be?" This is where he attempts to try a bunch of different sporting events to see how difficult it really is, often not to great success. This is how Rob brings us a sport we never new existed, nor should...Donkey Baseketball!

[Insert Butte, Montana joke here] Anyway, maybe i'm just too much of an "east coast city guy", but when i think of asses on the basketball court, i'm thinking more like Rasheed Wallace or Bruce Bowen. This is just horrific. Those murderballers have got to be thinking of rolling into Montana and curb-stomping these guys for making a mockery of the sanctity of a basketball court.

Now you might think Rob McPherson stops, he's accomplished more than that, there are two other "How Hard Can It Be" segments collected on Youtube so far, which is three more than your fat-ass sportscaster has done:

- The first installment of the series "How Hard Can Indoor Rockclimbing Be?" shows our man Rob McPherson, the Chuck Norris of sports broadcasting, looking like he's never climbed anything higher than his step stool to reach the top shelf of the snack cabinet in his kitchen
I'd like to see your sportscaster do that!!

- The decidedly disappointing 2nd installment "How Hard Can Archery Be?"

So there you have it, Rob McPherson...the best damn sportscaster period. What can we suggest Rob to attempt next? Bullriding? Rodeo Clowning? High Diving? Shooting himself out of a cannon? Motocross? Bear Fighting? Base Jumping? Or maybe this...

Monday, June 4, 2007

Shake Your Butt And Do The Bartman

Some village found their idiot over the weekend. Danish soccer fan "R" apologized for attacking a referee during closing minutes of the Euro 2008 qualifier between Denmark and Sweden on Saturday. He was angry at the ref for giving Denmark's Christian Poulson a red card for punching a Swedish player in the stomach. Check the hilarity.

Denmark came back from 3-0 to tie the game. After the attack, the ref called the game and awarded Sweden a 3-0 win.

Sweden should make R an honorary citizen as he's pretty much killed Demark's chance of making the Euro finals next year. Steve Bartman feels your pain. Congratulations, you're now the most hated person in Denmark.

R might also consider getting a shirt that fits or rock a Denmark singlet.

Claudio's All Growns Up Now

Juventus named tinkerman extraordinaire Claudio Ranieri as their new manager today. He takes over from Didier Dechamps who stepped down before he was fired in late May.

It had been rumored that Ranieri would take the Manchester City job once a rumored takeover went through but he apparently the chance to take over a corrupt team that can't fill its ground was too good to turn down.

"I wasn't expecting it, but you can't say no to Juve," the Italian said. "Juventus is a huge opportunity for me."
He went on to say,
"There's an ambitious plan," Ranieri said. "The fans should stay calm, we'll make them feel proud of what Juve accomplishes in Italy ... and then in Europe."
What he was really saying was that Juve intends to increase their payments to ensure their stay in Serie A and their Champions League spot.

Moving to a big club means that Claudio won't have time to pursue his budding movie career.

Geoffrey From The Fresh Prince Wants To Return To Bel Air

Television spin-offs are great. Who can forget great ones like Three's A Crowd, She-Ra, Flo and Enos?

Chelsea midfielder Claude Makelele is thinking about following David Beckham to the US if he can't sort out his contract situation. He has one year left on his contract and the emergence of younger players like Lassana Diarra and John Mikel Obi will limit his first team opportunities.

I can see it now. Geoffrey on his own in the big city without Master William and the rest of the Banks. Playing soccer with his pathetic, rec league MLS team, solving mysteries with fast talking, hard living sidekick Clint Mathis. I'm sure it'll last as long as the Cosby Mysteries or The Love Boat: The Next Wave.

Tell Us Something We Don't Know

Liverpool steals from children. No shit.

"William Gaillard, Uefa's director of communications, branded Liverpool supporters as the worst behaved in Europe after revealing that a detailed dossier compiled by undercover police officers blamed the English for the chaos at the Champions League final in Athens."
"The incidents involving Liverpool fans have been well known to us before the trouble at the Champions League final. This was just the latest example. What other set of fans steal tickets from their fellow supporters or out of the hands of children? We know who caused most of the trouble in Athens," he said. "There have been 25 incidents involving Liverpool fans away from home since 2003 and those are in the report - most teams' supporters do not cause any trouble at all."
Liverpool shirts were quick to paint Galliard and UEFA as biased. A team spokesman blamed UEFA for the distubances.
"The shortcomings in the management of the situation in Athens were apparent to anyone who was there and this latest statement from Uefa should not deflect attention from that reality."
After all UEFA were the ones that transported all the fans without tickets, ripped tickets from supporter hands and tried to gain entry with fake tickets and photocopied press passes. Fans without tickets were warned not to travel to Athens but thousands showed up anyway and prevented fans with real tickets from gaining entry. Perhaps UEFA should have opened the doors and let all the fans in.

Sunday, June 3, 2007

Johnnie Morton Cannot Fight

Watch it quick before it gets taken down faster than Morton did. Johnnie Morton, a good football player...but not a good MMA fighter. The intro is longer than the fight...needless to say, Johnnie Morton YOU GOT KNOCKED THE F@)* OUT!

UPDATE 6/5 - The video got taken down, but has a pretty funny video up of the *chuckle* battle

FINAL UPDATE 6/6 - Apparently all videos of the fight are now down...shame it was one vicious KTFO

The Guy On the Right, Can Eat Some Dogs

That man on the right left (i know i'm a moron) is Joey "Jaws" Chestnut and he just broke that man on the left right, Takeru Kobayashi's, hot dog eating record. From, Jaws ate 59 1/2 hot dogs and buns at the June 2nd Southwest Regional Hot Dog Eating Championship, crushing Kobayashi's previous record of 53 3/4 he set at the annual Nathan's Hog Dog Eating Contest. (Update: You Tube of the event is below)

Needless to say, Jaws can stuff a lot of dick dogs in his mouth. Jaws is currently ranked second in the world by the International Federation of Competitive Eating, behind only Kobayashi. Methinks Kobayashi better stop pumping the iron and start pushin out more tube steaks if he hopes to defeat this gastrointestinal monster a second time this 4th of July.

Kobayashi's response to this new record being set was, "mmprrphmpt..." Sounds like he is busy practicing, we'll have to get in touch with him later.

Link to story

Update: We have Youtube (thanks to Yokum on BallHype)

It is Done: Cavs & Spurs Meet In Finals

And the whole world collectively yawns. Seriously, while Lebron James has been annointed everything from King to the dreaded "Next MJ" tag he really isn't all that an engaging person or player for me to watch. Granted, being a Wizards fan enables me to watch Gilbert Arenas circus sideshow act 82 games a year, but Lebron seems to me kinda like watching a slightly less annoying A-rod.

Both were teenager phenoms in their sports, both spout out more cliches per minute than a WWE wrestler, both have been touted and talented for so long the smugness that emanates from them is rivaled only by George Clooney, and both attempt market themselves as all-round nice guys even though when you hear them talk all you can think is "Geez, this guy sounds like a dick". Thats not even mentioning the fact that Lebron is only using this basketball game to make money to fuel a multi-million dollar multi-media corporate empire. I just cannot get behind a guy who wants to be the Master P of basketball.

He can play basketball for sure, but he is by no means as exciting to watch as Kobe or Dwayne Wade or Gilbert currently, or someone like Shaq or KG or Magic or MJ were in their primes. He is a boring lone "superstar" on a team of spare parts and he is going up against the most complete team in the NBA, the Spurs.

They have Duncan, who while amazing, is boring as sin and cant make a highlight worthy play to save his life. Then again, he doesnt like to or have to show off because his team is so great. As a player and a person, he's the antithesis of Lebron in that he wants no spotlight, no clothing line, no record label, he just wants to play basketball and fit in on a winning team. He is the anti-Lebron...and yet i'm bored by him as well because he has zero emotion whatsoever. I like to look at athletes and see that they care about what is going on out there, not the vacant stare that Timmy develops over the course of a game.

So the Spurs & Cavs kick off on Thursday and I dont care...a lot of people dont care. You have San Antonio vs. Cleveland...two cities that couldn't be more different and yet both couldnt suck more. Lebron vs Tim Duncan...two superstars that couldn't be more different and yet both couldn't bore me more.

I think the only thing that will keep me interested is watching for Bowen and Ginobili's dirty plays throughout the game. There is no way Larry Hughes is finishing this series on the court with those two assholes around.

Much Man Love To You All

Just taking a moment out to give a big, man-love thank you to all the sites that link us regularly. Without your help, the Deuce could not exist. We've grown a lot since we first started and we're still getting bigger. Lets hope for bigger and better things to come in the next 6 months of the Deuce of Davenport and all you guys as well.

Thanks to SportsbyBrooks, The Big Lead, With Leather, Deadspin, Awful Announcing, 100 Percent Injury Rate, Hogs Haven, Real Sports Bloggers, DC Sports Bog, Fanhouse, Who Ate All The Pies, the Parlayer, and Ball Hype.