Saturday, February 9, 2008

I Award You No Points And May God Have Mercy On Your Soul

I went to a football game and a donkey show broke out. Wow. What can you say about the debacle that is the Washington Redskins? If you're Vinny Cerrato, you say "Who done what in the who?" and grab Mr. Dan another POM. If you're a Redskins fan, you're probably praying for the return of Jack Kent Cooke. I think they'd almost take George Preston Marshall back at this rate, racism and everything.

It appears the Redskins coaching search has finally ended. The Washington Post is reporting that newly hired offensive coordinator Jim Zorn has been promoted to head coach.

"We're proud that our search was diligent, thorough, and resulted in today's announcement," Snyder said in a statement. "Jim's track record and reputation as a player, great teacher, and as a coach makes us confident that they will translate to success for the Redskins."

Ironically, Fassell and Williams both told the Redskins that Zorn would be their top choice to be offensive coordinator if they got the head coaching job, sources said.
It would be next to impossible to name all the candidates Dan Snyder has run through so we'll let BradyFan83 do it for us.

Snyder has turned the Skins into a laughingstock. He's run through coaching candidates like Travis Henry through baby mamas and come out looking like an ass. Everyone's turned him down except Jim Fassel who apparently can't get a job if his life depended on it. Maybe he shouldn't have blown off the job given to him by his best friend.
Spagnuolo withdrew on Wednesday. Of the remaining candidates, Fassel was the only one to get a phone call that day from the Redskins reiterating their interest and telling him to expect further contact, league sources said. On Thursday, none of the candidates was contacted, according to league sources, but observers at Redskins Park began to notice that Zorn was not at the facility as often as expected and had begun spending more time with Snyder and vice president for football operations Vinny Cerrato, leading some in the organization to believe he was now interviewing to become the head coach.

Bt yesterday, negotiations with Zorn intensified and that evening one of Snyder's planes was sent to Seattle to pick up Zorn's family. The Redskins also contacted Fassell yesterday, telling him further communication would be coming today, league sources said.
Did Snyder really think that he would get a top coach when he hired the rest of the staff first? Sally Jenkins laid it out for anyone considering the job. Who would work for Dan Snyder unless they were desperate or were new to the coaching game? No big name coach in his right mind would work for him.

Snyder doesn't just want a head coach. He wants a yes man and apparently it will be Jim Zorn. I'm not implying that Zorn is a poor choice or that he won't be a good coach but one has to wonder how long of a leash he'll have. Norville was fired midseason with a winning record. Marty was canned after taking the Skins to the playoffs.

Snyder's done nothing to show that he stands by his coaches or players except in the aftermath of the Sean Taylor murder. It shouldn't take a death to make an owner show some competence and reliability.

This search has exposed to the country to what Redskins fans have known for a long time. When it comes to football decisions, Dan Snyder doesn't know his head from his ass.

Best of luck to Jim Zorn. He's going to need it.

Just Say What?

Rappin' Kurt Rambis? Fucking brilliant. The shorts really do make the man.

Byron Scott should reprise his performance for the 30 people in the New Orleans Arena. Not like anyone's watching the game anyway. AC Green should have gone solo and made another "Just Say No" video.

Apparently Diego Maradona didn't watch the video and look what happened.

Diego Maradona don't need no stinkin' Lakers.

When The Hair Dryer Treatment Goes Wrong

Talk about a thankless job. You're damned if you don't and you're damned if you d....nah that won't happen. England played their first match under the reign of "Don" Fabio Capello as they took on Switzerland in a friendly this past Wednesday. What do you know? Same old England.

The game has been analyzed backwards and forwards although it's not clear why pundits and fans wasted their time. It's simple. They're not as good as they think they are. If this is going to work, it's going to take time. Let Ollie from Who Ate All The Pies tell you what else went wrong on Wednesday night.

England players are soon going to learn what happens when you cross Don Fabio. Someone stole the "top of the line" hairdryer he had installed in his private Wembley changing room. Someone on the squad must think wet hair is his Achilles or that he can't give the hair dryer treatment without the use of a hair dryer.

A source told the Mirror: "The England manager has his own dressing room next to the players' one. After Fabio got the England job he asked for a hairdryer to be put in there for his sole use.

"We thought it was a bit strange but he's the boss and we got a top-of-the-range dryer. Everything went smoothly on Wednesday and Fabio seemed happy when he left.

But it wasn't until the next day we noticed the hairdryer had disappeared.

"Everyone is terrified about what he is going to say when he finds out it's missing."
"Goldenballs, Goldenballs. What have I ever done to make you to treat me so disrespectfully? If you had come to me in friendship then this scum that stole my hair dryer would be suffering this very day. And if by chance an honest man like yourself should make enemies then they would become my enemies. And then, they would fear you."

Can you really be scared of an angry Italian? One from Staten Island or Jersey, yes. One straight from the mother...sorry, mutha? Not so much. You look at Mussolini and wonder how anyone could have feared him. As Eddie Izzard pointed out, they made for shit fascists.

"Italy invented fascism in 1922. Mussolini said, 'Right, we're all fascists!' but most Italian people are always on scooters going, 'Ciao!' And they're into football, and life, and they're not fascists, you know? He said, 'We're all fascists!' 'All right, ciao!' No helmet on... (imitates scooter running). All those 50s films, like 'Roman Holiday', it's just like that! Everyone's just cool and hangs out."

**You're missing out if you haven't seen Eddie Izzard's Dressed To Kill yet. Go here to check it out.

This Was An Elevation Elevation

Expect a whole lot of YouTubes this weekend because we're lazy. You should be happy you're getting anything from us this weekend. Enjoy Patrick Ewing and Spike Lee getting bitched. Even when the Knicks were good, they still sucked it.

Here's an added bonus. One of the greatest sports theme songs. Don't front like you didn't love it. The Technotronic is on us.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Finally Something To Replace The NHL

Can Alexander Ovechkin eat 47 grilled cheese sandwiches in 10 minutes? Hell naw. Can Sidney Crosby eat 241 chicken wings? Sheeeeeeeit. They better step off like grandpa. They may earn the big bucks and play who knows when on Versus if you can find it but they have nothing when it comes to competitive eating. When was the last time hockey was on ESPN??

The next step in the competitive eating takeover has commenced with the release of Major League Eating: The Game. The game features competitive eaters such as Joey Chestnut and Takeru Kobayashi. Can you say you were there when Kobayashi ate 54 hot dogs in 12 minutes at Coney Island? I can and now you can too.

Mastiff brings you Major League Eating: The Game, featuring competitive eaters like Takeru Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut. Master an offensive and defensive arsenal and become an eating champion.
The game brings you American heroes you can support like Chestnut and the Sonya "Black Widow" Thomas. No long do you have to support players named Satan, freedom lovers! No more compromising your principles by supporting pinkos who happen to wear your team's colors. No more having to take crap from America Jr. about being better in the game even though they can't remember the last time the Stanley Cup went north of the border.

It also has an international appeal. Did you know Chestnut also holds the gyoza world record? 212 gyoza. That's chicken and vegetable. Screw Godzilla. Japan better fear Jaws. Now that's mandible destiny, my friends.

Andre Bikey's A New School Fool

What the hell is wrong with Cameroon's Andre Bikey? You have to see this to believe it.

Here's a better view without sound. The foul happened in the 90th minute and now he's ruled out of Sunday's ACN final against Egpyt.

Oh did we forget to mention that the medic was helping an injured Cameroon player? That would be a teammate of Bikey's. Apparently he doesn't believe in that new medicine. He's like school on a Saturday. No class.

Look Ma, I Wash For Supper

Look Ma, no HIV! Tommy Morrison's pretty selfish for not sharing his cure for HIV. I'm sure it involved some rum, chicken bones and a guy who calls himself Screwface. "Screwface give a thousand deaths worse than you!" I'm sure he's cured. If he's not, he's going to spread some disease all over Leon, Mexico.

Morrison is going to fight in his second bout after being miraculously cured on the undercard of the Julio Cesar Chavez Jr.-Jose Celaya fight. He's fighting some fool named Matt Weishaar from Kansas. The fight before them is between Juan Marichal's cock and Little Jerry.

Promoter Bob Arum claims ignorance of Morrison's addition to the fight.

"The fight happens to be in Mexico. It's not like we're doing the fight with Morrison to circumvent the rules," Arum said. "If the fans want to see it, let 'em do it. If you were going to watch the show, as I would to see this kid [Chavez] in his development against Celaya, who is a step up, I think that's worthwhile doing. That's why I am doing the show. But anyone who wasn't going to buy it and now you decide to buy it just to see Tommy Morrison, you're out of your mind."
Sure whatever you say, guy.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Parkour Turns Soccer Up To 11

This is a pretty crazy video of some Parkour guys doing some impressive soccer kicks and of buildings and bridges. Sick. Although I can certainly see some CGI in there so i'm not 100% sure what the hell is real and what isn't in it. But it is a fun watch. Perfect for a nice slow day, I dont feel like opining on Shaq or Bobby Knight like everyone else.

Holy Crap! Blacks Playing Hockey?

I had no idea there was a Black hockey league at one time called the Colored Hockey League of the Maritimes. Seems that from 1895-1925 this league existed and consisted of the sons and grandsons of runaway slaves from the U.S.. The league itself was pretty innovative, like they apparently were the first ones to allow the slap shot and created a more offensive, wide open style of play.

If you wanna learn more about it, check out this site I found George & Darril Fosty's Black Ice there's some interesting materials there and they are even making a documentary about it all, here's their promo, complete with John Tesh like super cheesy music, Ken Burns they are not:

Black Ice via AAEB

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

National Poo

Baseball season is coming...FOR ME TO POOP ON!

Euro 2008 Gets Shaggy

The theme song for Euro 2008 was recently released and for a soccer theme song, its really not that bad although I'm not sure why a sporting event actually needs a theme song. What is bad is the computer animated kids who must be some sorta Euro 2008 mascot thing or something. They are annoying beyond belief. Its got Shaggy warbling in his pseudo reggaeton style, on a side note, who the hell thought he would have a career longer than Bombastic and It Wasn't Me? I mean, that was one crap song and he's somehow held on and made an acual music career with subsequent "hits". Still amazes me. Anyway, if you're interested, here you go

Monday, February 4, 2008

Eli Won The MVP But...

David Tyree is the real hero in this game. That jump ball catch, on 3rd and 5 with less than 1:15, to go, thrown by a scrambling for his life Eli Manning and caught on his head with Rodney Harrison draped all over him was one of the best moments in Super Bowl history. That play set up, what proved to be, the winning touchdown of the game just four players later with the Giants beating the Patriots 17-14. That says nothing of him catching the first touchdown pass of the game for the Giants and giving them a 10-7 lead. He played one great game but that catch will be remembered with some of the all time great plays of Super Bowls.

The video of it (while it's up) is below, but here's the quotes from some Giants and Patriots players, one coach and a brother that sums the catch all up:

"David Tyree, that's all you have to say." It was just a great catch by David Tyree. I found a way to get loose and just really threw it up. He made an unbelievable catch and saved the game." - Eli Manning
"Unbelievable, in Friday's practice, he was dropping everything." - Amani Toomer
"I don't know that there's ever been a bigger play in the Super Bowl than that play." - Tom Coughlin
"He made a hell of a play." - Asante Samuel
"Eli's pass to Tyree, I think, was one of the greatest plays of all time. You always see Swann's catch." Peyton Manning

Here's the video:

Excuse Me, Sir. Are You Choking?

Manning to Tyree was probably one of the greatest plays in Super Bowl history but we shouldn't forget the soldiers patroling the sidelines. Jared Lorenzen (a.k.a Hefty Lefty or Quarter Got Back) was one of the more interesting side plots to the night's event. He seemed to get redder as the game went on. It was as though he had a gordita stuck in his throat.

Robeast was wondering if Gatorade made him a special turkey gravy flavored mix for the Super Bowl. It looks as though he's doing his best to get bigger. We encourage him to keep up the good work. Here's hoping he dumps turkey gravy on his head at the parade tomorrow. Super Tuesday indeed.