Saturday, August 4, 2007

Redskins' Rabach Has A Huge Sack

Stuck at work on a Saturday, I was forced to listen to the Redskins scrimmage on Snyder's, easily one of the most pornographic radio station names ever. Luckily, in listening to this, it pointed me to Redskins reporter Bram Weinstein's blogpage, where this Triple X tidbit about Casey Rabach was found:

In what had to be one of the more ridiculous moments of the summer, Larry Michael and I interviewed Jon jansen and Casey rabach on the field after practice, while neither would comment on the large RV they are renting which is parked in the back of the lot at Redskins park..

They go in there together in between practices and do undesirable things...Rabach has a penchant for showing off his nuts in the locker room and did so while we were talking to them.. Larry asked about Rabach’s “brain,” to which he explained how much work he has put into increasing the size of his ballsack.. Jansen agreed that Rabach has one of the largest ballsacks he’s ever seen...Rabach also was mooning the Fox Morning Show live shot yesterday, which apparently could be seen visibly but from a long distance and you’d have to have known what you were looking for.. Rabach and Jansen admit they are always looking for ways to get their ass on TV

Dont you just love football season? The most poignant thing about this story is that Rabach apparently has been enlarging his sack. He must be joking, really, it was a joke. Although, I would love to know what amount of work goes into increasing the size of your nutsack...not that I want to do that sorta thing myself...really.

Update, Apparently our main man Skin Patrol over at Hogs Haven was already all over this story yesterday evening! That, is why he is the man! Here's his entertaining take.

Friday, August 3, 2007

The "Real" Story Behind Andray Blatche's Arrest

As told by Mustafa Redonkulous:

Chimp and I were in Ward 8 looking for something to do earlier this week when we got an unexpected surprise. None other than Hizzoner Marion Barry drove by and rolled down the window.

"What it do, gentlemens? Good to see you again! I'm just checkin' on my constituents as I does. That soccer stadium got a little fucked up so I gotta make sure them Duke boys know what time it is. I promised jobs for my people and Mayor for Life always delivers. Yeah that's right. Mayor for Life, playboy."

We told him that we were looking for something to do. Maybe a show but we weren't sure.

"Sheeeit, man! All you had to do was say so! Sardines and pork and beans! We need to roll to the junkyard! I just kicked Sugar Bear's ass cause E.U.'s drummer hit the wrong beat on a bucket drum. Get in. I'll drop you off somewhere hot."

We jumped in his Escalade with the mayor-plated 22's and license plate that read, "JUMBO#1". We rolled off with Chuck Brown blasting out the open back. "Gimme da beat y'all! I feel like bustin' loose! Bustin' loose!"

In no time, we pulled up in Barry Farms. All we wanted to do was get out of the truck. We were about to thank Hizzoner and jump out when the driver sped up and drove on. We yelled that it was our stop but Hizzoner was mumbling to himself.

Mayor for Life looked at us and said, "Look I'll put you where you need to go once I do some things. Yeah...uh I gotta go somewhere right quick. See here, uh, I gotta do Abe Pollin a favor. Before I do that, I gotta make a stop for myself. Makes me all nervous and shit so I gotta get right before I go meet this cat. Gotta make Andray see DC's where he needs to be."

We had no idea what the hell he was talking about. The license plate should have been a warning. It made no difference that we weren't where we needed to be. It was his town and his rules and we were along for the ride.

Sure enough, his driver ripped through several blocks and we were across the river and back downtown in front of the Verizon Center in no time. Andray Blatche was standing on the corner. He hopped in and we took off.

Soon we were stopping every time we saw someone standing alone on the street. Barry would crack the window and try to talk over the music without turning it down. "You think this is a game?? You think this is a muthafuckin' game?? This is my boy Andray. We need to show him DC's where it's at." Of course he ended up having to raise his voice. Subtlety was not his forte. "Break yo'self! Don't you know who I is?? I'm the mayor! Say my man, would you happen to have a jumbo for your councilman? Yo 'Dray, you in?"

He asked everyone from a homeless man to a preacher man. It went on like this for 20 minutes until he finally found what he wanted. Satisfied, he leaned back in his seat after taking a long drag and turned to the driver. "Rashaan, you know what I need now? Chicken. Let's go to Popeye's. You know what 'Dray needs? Some DC punani."

Rashaan drove to the Popeye's on 14th St, NW. He pulled up and we fell out of the truck as smoke poured out the doors. Hizzoner doesn't believe in sharing second-hand smoke with anyone who didn't pay for the first-hand. No hotbox for us and if Andray didn't get some hotbox right quick, DC could kiss his ass goodbye.

Hizzoner rolled down the tinted window and down the street.
"You know what to do, 'Shaan. Boy, go with him and he'll show you why Chocolate City's the place for you."

Rashaan and Andray walked down 14th St. towards a woman standing on Thomas Circle. As they walked, they discussed strategy.
Rashaan: "Ok, check it. I'll do the talkin'. My name's Greg and yours is André."
Andray: "Yo, my name is Andray."
Rashaan: "André. Not Andray."
Andray: "Oh I get it. Cool."

They walked up to the woman and started talking with them. Chimp and I were following from a distance. We had to see where this was going. We couldn't hear much but Chimp swore he heard Andray say, "Yeah I like her. She smells like that empanada joint in Adams Morgan."

Just as they were about to head back to Jumbo 1, cop cars came flying from every direction and surrounded Rashaan, Andray and the two hookers. We took off at a quick pace in the opposite direction and made for the Dupont Metro station. As we walked down Mass. Ave., we heard screeching tires and a car barreling towards us. We turned around and saw none other than Mayor for Life in the driver's seat, blunt in mouth and laughing hysterically as he flew past us.

In the distance, we could see Andray and Rashaan being cuffed while the two hookers started feeling up the cops and that's when we knew that Andray wasn't going anywhere. He was staying in DC and he was staying on the cheap. Jebus bless Hizzoner.

When Ya Gotta Go...YOU GOTTA GO

Never has this been truer than in the case of world class MotoGP racer Valentino Rossi. A few years back, in the middle of a race, Rossi heeded the call of nature, parked his bike, and got himself quickly to the nearest Porta-John. I just saw this video for the first time, and if you haven't seen it, watch his quick and graceful dismount and listen to the announcers roll over in laughter while watching him. This is some friggin classic George Michael Sports Machine type footage here.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

100 Dunks...starring Josh Smith

Here must be a compilation of every single dunk that Josh Smith has ever made, including high school footage. Some of these are just sick, Smith can literally jump out of the arena.

The Constitutional Vol. 14

Another week, another dump to take. I'd write more commentary but I've got nothing percolating so without further adieu...Welcome to the Constitutional. Oh, and click on the picture if you have 16 minutes to kill.

  • What to call that unfortunate hook-up at 2am in the morning when the bar shuts down...not that I've taken home a Baby Jordan in my day...ok I lie. Pacman Jonesin'

  • Duke's Josh McRoberts gettin some action with some chick from the OC. 100% Injury Rate

  • The Greatest Review of a video game ever...and its American Gladiators. My Brain Says Rage

  • How much do Baseball Souls go for these days because DMtShooter of Five Tool Tool is selling his daughters'. Epic Carnival

  • Bobby Petrino: The reason for Vick's legal troubles. Nation of Islam Sportsblog

  • Vince Young does not stand for rough play during practice. Winning The Turnover Battle

  • A good breakdown of the trades at the MLB non-waiver trade deadline. Nyjer Please

  • Some female journalist loves to grab athletes are the odds for who it is. Blog of Hilarity

  • Rod Beck had some sorta crack operation going apparently. Mr. Irrelevant

  • Finally, this is why as a die hard, bleeding burgundy and gold, Redskins fan, I still hate the hell out of Dan Snyder. Larry Brown Sports

Random Video of Horrific Violence: Face Meets Ramp

This week you're getting a double shot of Random Video of Horrific Violence. In today's feature, we have a young woman who just cannot hang with the guys...and her face takes the brunt of it. It is just violent.

Girl Wipes Out On Bike Jump - Watch more free videos

Want to Talk to Larry Holmes?

If you want to, you apparently can talk to Larry Holmes for the low low price of $19.95. Hollywood is Calling offers up "celebrity" birthday phone calls and amongst its formidable roster of "C" list celebrities you can get Larry Holmes, Lazer from American Gladiators, Lou Ferrigno, and a few WWE ex-stars like The Ragin' Cajun , Raven, and Rick Drasin to call you and wish you a live Happy Birthday greeting.

How Jose Canseco, the entire rest of the cast of American Gladiators, Jeff George, Ryan Leaf, Mike Tyson, OJ Simpson, Peyton Manning (does he ever miss out on a money making opportunity?), Oliver McCall, Joe Theisman, or any other disgraced, out of work, or money whoring athlete hasn't jumped all over this is beyond me. Surely they all have the time to make a little extra cash for whatever stardom (or infamy) they have left.

I even know for a fact that these are well worth the money for the unexpected birthday phone call. Trapper John once hooked me up with an unforgettable and nearly unintelligible birthday phone call from Rerun of What's Happening! fame...that was one of the greatest and most hilarious birthday surprises I have ever had.

Amazingly, they didn't even pay me for this bit of minor publicity or for attempting to help them fill their rosters with more athletes. I just really want to one day get Peyton Manning to call up someone and just yell "CUT! THAT! MEAT! Oh and happy birthday". I'd pay 20 bucks for that.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Best Miller Lite Commercials of the 80s

CoorsMiller Lite commercials from the 1980s were some of the most inspired pieces of advertising for the decade. They always features a bunch of athletes, celebrities including the likes of Rodney Dangerfield and usually Bob Uecker all telling a story about the beer tasting great and being less filling. Here's the best of the best:

#1 "The Case of The Missing Case"

#2 "The Great Lite Beer Shoot-Out"

#3 "Whitey Ford"

#4 & #5 "LC's Apology Letter & Bert Jones Rebuttal"

#6 Haley's Comet

Banned Nike Commercials

Its pretty easy to see why these two commercials for Nike soccer shoes got banned from television, at least banned here in the United States, sadly they're both pretty good commercials. The first one is cute but incredibly dangerous as it shows a young boy squeezing the blood out of a raw steak onto a ball, then taking to the streets to practice his dribbling while being chased by a horde of hungry dogs. Fun for the family! The second one is just plain awesome. I shall sum it up in one sentence. Soccer players vs. Satan the goalie and his hell demons. Enjoy!

Bonus Nike Commerical: This one didn't get banned...but it pretty much destroys any commercial that we've ever had for any sport here in America.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

How To Lose Teeth

If you want a grill as jacked up as our main man Jaws...follow these easy steps 1) Attempt a flip with the help of two of your friends who cannot support your weight; 2) Painfully fall on your face. Observe below in yet another Random Video of Horrific Violence.

Very Painful Face Plant - Watch more free videos

Disclaimer, this video had like over 1 million views, so if someone else has posted it previously, I am truly sorry, I never saw it and I had to post it on the Deuce.

Bonds' Head. Ten Times Bigger Than A-Rod's

Barry Bonds subscribes to the Cedric Benson School of Self-Motivation. Benson said, referring to Thomas Jones, that he's "10 times the man and 10 times the player". Bonds feels the same way when it comes to A-Rod.

"Is he as good as me? Hell, no," Bonds told The Post when asked if Rodriguez was the best player of this generation. "He's better than me now because he's younger than me. But, hell no."

Bonds was later asked if Rodriguez ranks right behind him. "He ain't even second," he said. Bonds said that honor goes to his close friend, Ken Griffey Jr., "but he got hurt."
We're surprised that Bonds didn't put the Brown Hornet and Bookman from Good Times above A-Rod as well. They always came through in the clutch.

Mets Fans Take Losing Badly

One New York Mets fan couldn't take losing to the Washington Nationals on the tail end of the he took a barbell and beat his mom to death.

25 year old Michael Anthony of Queens started beating the walls of his bedroom furiously when the Nationals took the lead in the previously tied game, his father came in to calm him down and got punched in his face and thrown to the ground for his efforts. His mother then attempted to calm her son down and subsequently got stabbed in the head with a knife, chased into her bedroom, then beat down several times with a 20lb barbell until she died.

There was no picture of this waste of DNA to be found on the web, but one can assume he looks something like this douche-bag above...or anyone you might find on NJ Packers fans are pissed that one of theirs hadn't thought of doing this yet.

From Reuters