Wednesday, March 21, 2007

These Guys Know What They're Doing

Yahoo sports yesterday floated a rumor about these brilliant minds pictured above (Dan Snyder, Vinnie Cerrato and Joe Gibbs of the Washington Redskins) possibly trading up in this year's NFL draft to pick up LSU physical freak of a quarterback, JaMarcus Russell. Yahoo's Charles Robinson said,

The trade could involve Redskins quarterback Jason Campbell, the team's first-round pick in 2005, getting dealt to another team, or to the Raiders as part of a package to move up in the draft.

Also, the Redskins today traded Adam Archuleta to the Chicago Bears for a 6th round pick. This now must be the most expensive 6th round pick in league history since Archuleta's guaranteed money will still be on the books for this season.

So, the Redskins pay Adam Archuleta the most money ever for a safety and the next year trade him for a 6th round pick and currently are thinking about trading the QB they traded up to get in the first place to trade up to get another QB who will be even younger and more clueless about the offense thus leaving only broken down, 37 year old Mark Brunell at the QB helm for the upcoming season. Did I get that all right?

GENIUSES! These gentlemen know more about football than you do. Trust them. They're football men. Even though every instinct in your mind and body says that both these moves are the results of some horrible decision making on their part, you are wrong. You are stupid silly taint on the earth for questioning their obviously superior intellect. Go play your fantasy football and Madden you ignorant pussy.

The Game of Love and Unity Fanatical And/Or Mobster Homicide?

As we reported on Sunday, the Cricket World Cup took a turn for the depressing and macabre over the weekend. First, Pakistan lost in a shocking St. Patrick's upset to Ireland, which led some Pakistani fans -- outraged over their side's early departure from the tournament -- to riot while chanting "Death to Woolmer! Death to Inzi!," referring to Pakistan coach Bob Woolmer and captain Inzaman ul-Haq. Then the big news hit -- Bob Woolmer was found dead in his Jamaica hotel room on Sunday morning. Folks noted the sick coincidence of testosterone-fueled calls for Woolmer's death and his actual demise, but few publicly wished to speculate that there might be a connection.

Well, the time for speculation is now. Jamaica police are now treating Woolmer's death as suspicious -- and while the cops are publicly downplaying the idea that there's an ongoing homicide investigation, word is beginning to leak out -- it looks like Woolmer may well have been murdered.

If true, this is just jawdropping. Nothing like this has ever occured in American sport -- as obnoxious and obsessive as Red Sox fans are, no one tried to kill Grady Little after the 2003 ALCS. Joey Porter is an amateur, by comparison. But the scariest part is that -- while there is obviously speculation that a criminally insane Pak fan is responsible -- rumors are coming out that tie a possible Woolmer murder to match-fixing. After all, the Pakistan team does have a sordid history of involvement in gambling and match fixing, and Woolmer was allegedly set to discuss that underworld in a new autobiography. And there are rumors that the fix was in on the St. Patrick's Day match.

So Woolmer was quite possibly murdered. And if he was, the culprit is probably either A) an obsessed "fan," or -- more likely -- B) a gambling syndicate. I can't decide which is more depressing. If the police investigation reaveals that Woolmer was murdered, you really have to wonder whether the show can go on. But I'm sure it would-- there's too much money involved to call it off, despite the fact that it may well be tainted by fraud and, worse, by blood.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

The NFL's Answer To Randy Newman

Joey Harrington and Michael Buble* could be making sweet music together in America Jr. if the Toronto Argonauts have their way. Imagine Michael on the vocals and Joey on the piano. Heaven.

The Agronauts have exclusive rights to Joey Harrington which means no other team in the CFL can sign him. The Miami Herald reports that there isn't much interest in Harrington among NFL teams so the CFL could become a serious option if he wants to continue playing football.

The Argos did the same when they retained Mr. Puff Puff Give's services a year ago. That would make Joey the third Dolphin to play after Ricky and John Avery.

*- I deserve a cockslap for linking to that video.

Sir Sidney Don't Need Your Respect

You ignorant cretins, bow before the magnificence that is Sir Sidney Alton Ponson of Aruba. Tremble before his 6.25 ERA. Fear his incurable case of the gout.

Sir Sidney has no time for fake ones...oh wait, turns out he's just maintaining his dickhead. It's all about keeping it real as long as that means knocking out judges and collecting DUIs like baseball cards.

"I don't want the [Baltimore] media to know nothing about what's going on with me. I don't like them," he said. "I didn't like the last two years over there, so I didn't talk to them the last two years over there."
What's going on with you? Probably the same thing that's been going on the past couple years. Nothing. You're a non-roster invitee who's more likely to pick up another DUI in Minnesota than post a sub-5.00 ERA on a major league squad.

Never mind the fact that he was generally appreciated by most Orioles fans including yours truly. We didn't like his last two years either so I guess that makes us even.
"They booed me when I was playing there. It doesn't bother me. Baltimore fans have no clue what baseball is all about," Ponson said. "The old Baltimore fans over on 33rd Street [Memorial Stadium], that's true baseball fans. "[The Camden Yards fans] were booing me the last two years. It doesn't matter. I could be pitching a good game and give up a run in the eighth and they would boo me. It doesn't hurt my feelings."
Hmmm, Sir Sidney was signed in 1993. The O's moved into Camden Yards in 1992. He couldn't find the old Memorial Stadium even if someone told him it was between 32nd and 34th...or that it's not there anymore. He knows what baseball's all about.

Isn't that the missing white girl everyone was so worried about a couple years ago? I wonder if there's still a reward.

Now I'm Not Sayin' He Should Have Killed Her But I Understand

Irina Malandina's only getting $300 million instead of $5 billion in her divorce settlement with Roman Abramovich. He may be worth $18 billion but that's still a huge chunk to give up in a divorce settlement. The Deuce isn't saying he should go all OJ on her but if she went out Chappaquiddick/Princess Di-style or had a bit of the polonium glow about her, we wouldn't be surprised.

The Fiver came up with a great plan to get back at Roman. She should take the settlement money and buy herself a soccer team. Then she should use the money to buy John Terry and Frank Lampard as well as entice Jose Mourinho.

This would be inexcusable. At the very least, he should sucker her back to Russia where he's a Siberian governor and do her like Mikhail Khodorkovsky.

Then again he could be like Michael Strahan and agree to a settlement that he has no intention of paying. So you gotta think about Michael's situation. $15.3 million up front, $18,000 a month, another man drivin' his car, fuckin' his wife, and a house he's still payin' a mortgage on. Oh, he's definitely breaking before Roman.

The Biggest Shock of Them All

Wow. The last 24 hours in the Caribbean has provided so much drama and surprise -- Ireland shocking Pakistan and knocking them out of the World Cup; the Young Turks of Bangladesh celebrating what seemed like their debutante party by shellacing a confused, old Indian side; Freddy Flintoff stealing a novelty boat, flipping it, and nearly drowning after a pedestrian loss to New Zealand -- and I was preparing to write up a smartass post summarizing this crazy cricket weekend. But then the biggest shock of them all broke this afternoon, when we learned that Bob Woolmer died in a Kingston hospital after he was found unconscious in his hotel room. And, as such things seem to do, that news put the rest of it all into perspective. It certainly should have caused some overzealous Pakistan fans to rethink their cruel, savage rage.

There's a tendency to speculate wildly at times like this, but it's really not appropriate. The best way that cricket fans can honor Woolmer's memory is to bow their heads, engage in a moment or two of reflection, and then get back to watching and enjoying the cricket. Because, as Laurence Booth at the Guardian writes, the cricket will go on. And that's the way that Woolmer, a true lover of the game, would have wanted it.

Tony Parker Est Le Merde

Tony Parker's hit #2 on the French pop charts with his new hotness, Balance Toi. Sports by Brooks has a link to the full video so no need for you to rely on snippets. Don't rush to thank us.

This got us thinking of other ballers who put out fresh tracks. Let's take a stroll through the wackness that is the NBA rapper.

If mumbling equals skills, I'm signing as many whinos and homeless people as I can to recording contracts. I'll be bigger than Simon Cowell and Bruce Springsteen combined.

Ah what can you say about a baller who goes by the name of Eight-Man Kobe-One-Kenobie? If you're thinking "stay away from my sister's ass", we're on the same page. Nothing says thug poet like crying on tv after getting nailed for rape and selling out Shaq for no reason.

What it do, playboy! Make it rain, Ron Ron. He's got beats like on his wife. You are indeed a Tru Warier. I hear you, balla. Fuck spelling.

If this isn't a flagrant, I don't know what is. This is a bigger disaster for New Orleans than Heath Schuler or Katrina...what? Too soon?