Saturday, May 10, 2008

Lock, Stock And One Footballing Dutchman

One more post for today before I leave my mom's basement. We forgot to post the full version of Nike's "The Next Level" commercial featuring more Nike-sponsored footballers than you can shake a stick at. I guess Guy Ritchie had to find something to do while his wife fights the Malawian authorities, freaks Justin Timberlake and pretends to kiss underage girls.

1. I thought I spotted a John Terry lookalike around :43. I doubt it because Chelsea's sponsored by Adidas.

2. Madonna should leave more often.

Dave Attell + The Gong Show = Result

Hey Thaksin, Leave Our Sven Alone

Not quite as catchy as "Hey Wenger, leave those kids alone!" but it works. Manchester City fans have been singing in protest of manager Sven-Goran Eriksson's seemingly imminent departure from the City of Manchester Stadium following the end of the season and a post-season Asian tour.

City owner and ex-human rights abuser Thaksin Shinawatra is reportedly pushing Eriksson out due to "lack of results". The team is in a better position than they were last year and they look to be headed to the UEFA Cup through the Fair Play award. Expectations of a Champions League place in his first season were unrealistic if not crazy. There's no question City is a team on the rise under Eriksson.

It's not clear who Shinawatra expects to fill the position should the rumors be true. Portugal manager "Big Phil" Scolari has already distanced himself from reports linking him to the job. He will be lucky to find anyone better than Eriksson out on the market. The players are considering a revolt. There's talk of the players boycotting the Asian tour in protest of Eriksson's firing. He has the support of the fans and players in addition to results so this move makes no sense.

There's another disturbing aspect to this story that doesn't make any sense. Noel Gallagher of Oasis is making sense about Shinawatra.

Wait until Liam gets involved. Thaksin should be scared. Very scared.

The Sauce Clause Lies In Wait

Bob Huggins hasn't changed much over the years. From his eating habits to his mobility, the West Virginia basketball coach is determined to stay the same no matter what.

Huggins is still getting around as though he's under the influence. He tripped over a cone and smacked his head on the tarmac while leaving a plane in Charlotte. The coach never lost consciousness but was taken to a hospital as a precautionary measure as he was feeling dizzy. Our first thought was that he made nice with the drink cart but it seems to be nothing but mere clumsiness. The Tipsy McStagger Clause has not been triggered so you can relax.

One would think Huggins would be more careful. This is the same guy who had to be shocked back to life three times after suffering a "massive heart attack" almost six years ago yet is proud of not changing his habits.

"It's the same thing you do New Year's Eve," he said. "You say, 'I'm going to do this,' and about the 3rd of January you're back doing what you did before. I haven't really changed all that much. I would love to sit here and tell you that I probably eat better, but look at me. That's obviously not the case.''
A man of habit. The same theory probably holds true for the graduation rate of his players. "I gotta get this back down to zero ... Hey! What the fuck are you doing reading? Who taught you that shit?"

Thanks to Don T for the tip.

You Know You Love It

All you aspiring porn moguls beware. Let the story of former Australian porn kingpin Greg Lasrado be a warning to you. Don't take pictures with Bill Clinton. He'll only bring you down.

: Mike Cassese/Reuters

Friday, May 9, 2008

Nuts And Gum: Together At Last

There are certain things that should never go together like Vito Fossella and drunk driving or Ted Kennedy and channels. Who knew drunk driving makes love children?

Another deadly combination is athletes and music. There are always exceptions like Wayman Tisdale but the usual result is Carl Lewis or Deion Sanders. Could Jon Mikel Obi and Didier Drogba do better? Unlikely but they're going to try anyway. The Chelsea players are collaborating on some hip-hop tracks. If there's one thing footballers can't do, it's make music. If you doubt me, try this, this or this. I'll never look at John Barnes the same way again.

Joel Knows Donkey Kicks

It's still not a spinning donkey kick but it's a start.

Hard Working Americans Aren't The Only Ones Being Screwed By NAFTA

Chin up white peop...I mean hard-working American people. Damn you for infecting me so fast, Hillary. While your jobs are being shipped overseas and given to bloodthirsty, whore-loving illegal immigrants thanks to NAFTA, corporate America is having a grand old time at your expense. The Bush administration is bailing out the banks while screwing homeowners. Guess what? You aren't the only ones they're trying to screw like a penguin.

The US is forcing Mexico pay Canada some serious loonies. Ron Mexico a.k.a. Michael Vick has been ordered to pay a Canadian bank $2.4 million dollars for defaulting on a loan.

The Royal Bank of Canada sued Mexico after he pled guilty to the dogfighting charge that eventually landed him in Leavenworth. The bank claimed the plea amounted to a default as laid out by the terms of the loan.

This is a bloody outrage. Another judge said Vick could keep his $20 million in bonuses earned from 2004-2007. That's because the judge understood what freedom is all about. If you have money, you get to keep it.

Canada is just going to use that money to finance their end of the NAFTA superhighway which will ease Mexico's eventual takeover of the US. It's a c-o-n-spiracy.

I don't know why Rev. Al's wasting his time with Sean Bell. He needs to remember what the struggle's about and put on that sweatsuit with some fat chains. Get your Tawana-lovin', permed ass to Kansas. America and Mexico need saving.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

When in China, do as the Chinese government do. David Hasselhoff just shed a tear.

Cookin With The Oak

Former Phoenix Suns PG Kevin Johnson is running for mayor of Sacramento. Magic Johnson has a real estate empire including a bunch of movie theatres in the hood and pretends to have the AIDS. Charles Oakley feels left out so he's decided to make his name in the world of cooking.

Page Six reports that Oakley has already filmed three episodes of his new cooking show, Cafe Oakley.

The former Knick enforcer has already taped three episodes, one featuring John Starks, where his former teammate cooked Oak's fried chicken and macaroni salad, pasta and sausages, and smothered steak and rice. Ingredients for Oak's beef short ribs in cinnamon wine sauce include 18 beers and two or three Cuban cigars, and the directions begin, "Drink 10 beers."
The Oak should continue to have special guest stars show off their culinary skills. Sam Perkins should appear to make his Mary Jane Marsala. Oliver Miller can show off his lard-infused bacon rolls. Set your DVR for Stephen Jackson's Strip Club Snapper and Andray Blatche's Hooker Hanger Steak.

Oakley should have no problem making his mark. If Rachel Ray can do it, he can do it. We haven't seen Cafe Oakley yet but it has to be better than this:

Bobby Engram Hearts Mike Holmgren

Awww! Seahawk WR Bobby Engram's too shy to tell his coach Mike Holmgren that he choo-choo chooses him in person so he thought he would drop off a letter early before practice. It didn't work for Ralph Wiggum so Engram's chances aren't looking too good.

"I kind of enjoy that," Holmgren kidded. "It means he graduated from college and he can type."
The letter is assumed to contain Engram's demands for mo' money**. He dropped the letter off and left before the start of minicamp.

Engram wants a new deal from the Seahawks however the team wants him to play out this coming season before negotiating a new deal. He's coming off a career season in which he had 1147 yards. Woo. He did attend a mandatory camp last Friday. Chad Johnson called to call him a sellout.

It doesn't seem as though Holmgren is too concerned. He said that Engram "is an emotional player" so this isn't unexpected. Hopefully there will be videotape of the moment Engram's heart breaks when Holmgren tells him that he's not getting what he wants.

**You thought you were getting Stacey Dash, didn't you?

Finally Someone Who Won't Fight Back

Very Big Club Newcastle United has fallen on hard times over the past couple years after finding domestic and European glory. Winning the Inter-Cities Fairs Cup in 1969 is a massive achievement. Have you won it? I didn't think so.

Despite the lack of success on the pitch, Newcastle claims to have fans that will see the club through thick and thin. St. James Park is always filled to its 50,000+ capacity for every match by loyal and... What's that? They give tickets away? Of course they do. All teams have corporate and family seats. What do you mean they're not exactly corporate or family seats?

The BBC reports that Newcastle distributes four season tickets a year to recovering drug addicts as a way to "help them on the path to recovery".

"The tickets are provided on the understanding that they are used, as part of a package of measures, to particularly help young people who have had substance misuse problems, and are making clear progress and showing a genuine commitment to living a normal, structured life.

"We thank the club for this generous gesture that goes a long way towards re-introducing people to a structured way of life."
It's not clear how going to a Newcastle match would help addicts adapt to living a sober life. Have you ever been to Newcastle? There's nothing to do but drink and use drugs. Have you ever watched Newcastle play? It'll make you want to drink and do drugs. Even when they're not playing, they're not setting a good example:

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Ja! Check out the latest installment of Michael Ballack's Secret Diary. It's wunderbar.

The Tipsy McStagger Clause

Time to get paid, blow up like the...too soon? Bob Huggins is getting some serious paper from West Virgina. His contract was made public and shows that he stands to make at least $20 million over the next 10 years before incentives.

The contract does note that he can be fired for being drunk or using drugs.

The contract stipulates Huggins can be fired for substance abuse or habitual intoxication affecting his job performance. A West Virginia spokesman said that is a standard clause in employment contracts.
I wonder if there's a graduation rate clause. Somehow I doubt it.