Friday, February 16, 2007

Now This Is A Nice Idea

Eat a fat one, Zack Attack. Kasey Kasem has no idea what he's talkin' 'bout. I can't even begin to get my mind around this brilliance. It's so much bigger than you or me but not Mr. Belding. Damn, he done blew up.

I lost $2M on a bet that Romo would fumble the mike.

Source: WBRS Sports Blog --> Deadspin --> With Leather

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Good dags. D'ya Like Dags?

Oh, dogs. Sure, I like dags. I like free beer more.

That's the only way anyone would get me to go to a dog show. My friend's girlfriend figured that out (not like I was hiding the fact) and got the two of us go with her to the Garden to see the Westminster Dog Show tonight. Part of me was horribly ashamed and I wanted to cut my balls off like a German cannibal but there was free beer involved and I wanted to be around for that.

We met up at the Garden and wouldn't you know that my first time in a MSG skybox would be at a dog show surrounded by a bunch of corporate assclowns who are actually interested in being there to see the dogs. Needless to say, my friend and I went straight for the fridge to see what wonders lay behind the door. Bud, Coors Light and Heineken? Oh yeah, free. Let the binging commence.

I was hoping to get drunk enough to block out the horrible old lady perfume smell that permeated the entire arena. I think it was Duane Reade Octogenarian. It was like tear gas combined with essence of urinal puck.

The night started with the national anthem. Luckily I was buying some overpriced food with the commoners. I don't care what you think but I'll be damned if I'm standing for the anthem at a dog show. The terrorists can have this round. I think I'll play the national anthem before I take my next shit. That should show the terrorists that I'm not giving up without a fight. Stand tall, brave terriers.

I'm not sure what the hell these things are but they're advertised all over the concourses. A hot dog in sauerkraut? Hopefully it's a hot dog in Crisco. If that's the best thing that's happened to a hot dog, I'll take on Paris Hilton rawdog Valtrex be damned...Please God don't let me be wrong.

After working our way back to the box and realizing that I was the only dark person in the building who didn't work there except for the flaming guy in a white suit who had the Neopolitan Mastiff, the dog-off began. It quickly became apparent that there would be no feats of strength or jousting.

Here's a sampling of the working and terrier group dogs seen along with the announcers description and my interpretation where necessary. Clearly I didn't get drunk fast enough.

Anatolian Shepard Dog #10 - Someone booed the dog. Who boos a dog?

Black Russian Terrier #16 - " Great companion when trained but not right for first time owner". Typical commie.

Bullmastiff #22 - "Tame mastiff with ferocious bulldog" I'll say. Davey Boy was a beast especially when tagged up with the Dynamite Kid.

German Pinscher - Primarily a guard dog. Nazi.

Great Pyrenees #11 - The royal dogs for Louis XIV. "Loyal, dignified." Apparently I don't know what dignity is. I'm pretty sure it doesn't involve sniffing other people's asses and eating my own shit.

Kuvaszok #7: At one point they guarded royalty but were demoted to guarding liverstock. "Fears nothing, bulky without being lethargic" Sounds like my dick...or the way I wish it was. Wait did I just say or think that?

Neopolitan Mastiff #9 - "Estate guard dog of Italy." So that means it's easily paid off for doing nothing. What you look at? Ciao!

Portutguese Water Dog #34 - "Requires owner of equal stamina to pl...." This is bullshit. I refuse to accept there's an animal called a Portuguese Water Dog.

Dandie Dinmont Terrier #5 - The name says it all. Super, thanks for asking!

Lakeland Terrier #8 - "Gay little dog." Show me one here that isn't.

Norfolk Terrier #12 - From parts unknown. Like Mr. X. Nice.

There was a break between the Working and Terrier groups that gave me time to seriously consider throwing myself from the skybox or off the 59th Street Bridge. Fortunately they thought it would be time for an inspirational speech from Rob Leibowitz, VP of Marketing for Pedigree. "It's great to celebrate the best pure bred dogs but while we're here, let's remember the less fortunate, the ones in shelters." I could only assume the less fortunate were the mixed breed dogs in cages. I was at a fucking Nazi rally. How could you, Leibowitz? It didn't stop there. "Pedigree doesn't accept homeless dogs." I can only assume they cook and use them to feed the pure breeds who they hope will soon take over.

Rob's rally speech was followed by a MONTAGE on the Jumbotron dedicated to a fallen trainer. Annie was a hero like a 9/11 responder. There was a hilarious moment during an imposed moment of silence. The whole arena darkened and went quiet....except for a tv in a nearby box that was blasting this week's episode of 24. "Beep, beep, the following takes place between..." Oh now I'm the asshole because I laughed at Annie's tribute.

Ewoks! "If they start singing that Ewok song, I'll start punching myself in the nuts until I pass out. Oh they're just terriers. Damn I already started." Luckily the girlfriend had enough and we were able to get out of there before sitting through any more groups. As we left the box, an arena worker passed and just stared me down with a look of disgust which I deserved. Someone asked me to clean up a spill in another skybox. I did it because it was the only way I could redeem myself and hide my shame.

Can Arrington Come Home?

Lavar Arrington was cut today by the New York Giants. With the NFL season over it is the winter of rumor and baseless speculation. My contribution is not what the heck is going on in San Diego with the firing of Schotty, it is not how long Andy Reid will be gone taking care of his crackhead kids, no, my baseless speculation is where will Lavar go?

Is it possible that Lavar can come home to Washington? Probably not a snowball's chance in hades in reality, but the Redskins need a linebacker and a cheap one since our salary levels are the highest in the league. Lavar will certainly be cheap after three consecutive injury plagued seasons, you can bet on that. So that is the good news. However, there are two, rather obvious, problems:

1) Did Dan Snyder, Joe Gibbs and particularly Gregg Williams burn the bridge down then terra-form the land so that no bridge was ever there to speak of in the first place in their relationship with Lavar? Translated, will Lavar want to play for the team that drafted him in his adopted home city (he still lives in the area) with his history of clashes with all three of the men in charge of the team and will they want him on their team at all anyway? He pretty much hasn't forgiven the Redskins coaches at all for their benching and mud dragging they did of his name...can he forgive and forget? Can they?

2) Will Lavar ever really be healthy again? When healthy, Lavar is a head case, but a sensitive and generally happy one who can be productive and make the occasional spectacular play along with the occasional boneheaded one. When injured, he is a head case and a surly, unproductive one.

His last good statistical season was in 2003, also his last fully healthy one. In 2004 he was limited to 2 games due to injuries, was supposedly still hurt in 2005 while fighting with coaches over playing time due to a supposed "lack of knowledge" with the playbook , with staff over how injuries were handled and disclosed and the owner because of a missing 6.5 million in his contract, leaving him playing in 12 games and averaging about 2 less tackles (about 4 tackles/g) a game while playing. In 2006, he was on a new team, playing sparingly until he blew out his Achilles and was gone again.

Do the Redskins need him? Well, honestly, can he be any worse than the linebackers that they had last year? Warrick Holdman was marginally better than Lavar, averaging about 5 tackles a game, and Rocky McIntosh and Khary Campbell were non existent. You coulda put Lavar Burton out there and he probably could've done as well as those two stiffs.

So, we've established that Lavar is a bit of a headcase, he's a huge injury risk, he has not been productive since 2003, he is prone to mistakes when he is productive but can also make a spectacular play, and he hates the ownership that drafted him and coaching staff that got rid of him. Doesn't really look good for Lavar rejoining the team...except for one thing...

The fans of the Washington Redskins love Lavar Arrington! The area would love to have Lavar back, I know I would. Its not often that Washington DC accepts and welcomes an athlete into the city since most come here past their primes and/or only for a paycheck (see: Michael Jordan, Deion Sanders, etc.). I mean, it took three years for Agent Zero to be accepted and Clinton Portis had to dress up in costumes to get the respect he deserves here.

If bygones could be bygones and Lavar could accept a minimum contract that is full of incentives and if ownership would for ONCE listen to their fans, Lavar could come home and at worst be the personal punt protector like Adam Archuletta last year. Bring Lavar home i say!

I mean, his face still adorns the Easterns Motors commercial that broadcasts all over the Washington/Baltimore area for cryin' out loud! We need him back for this reason alone. I want more commercials like this!

Monday, February 12, 2007

Chelsea Link-up With DC United

How's Salt Lake treating you, Freddy? It must suck being the only black guy in Utah besides Karl Malone and Carlos Boozer. Hope that magic underwear keeps you warm.

In what has to be a bitter pill, DC United and Chelsea are in link-up talks. According to Tribal Football in addition to the Mail, DC United officials are engaged in talks in London over a link-up which would give Chelsea access to college players in addition to increased access to the US and a lesson in American PR which they desperately need if their past two US tours are anything to go by.

Mustafa followed Chelsea on their east coast tour two years ago and saw them play in Philadelphia, Foxboro, New York and DC. Nothing was better than seeing the look of confusion and/or fear on Freddy's face as we chanted "You'll never play for Chelsea" and "Chelsea reject" as he collected a ball out of bounds during the match at FedEx.

The Deuce thinks links between the two clubs could pay off for DC in terms of publicity and possible chances for players to train under Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho or (more likely) in the Chelsea reserves. Who knows? Maybe we could get an old, beat-up Frank Lampard or John Terry to finish their playing days in Anacostia. Who wouldn't love that?

How 'Bout A Nice Hawaiian Punch?

"Mr. President, call in the National Guard! Send as many men as you can spare! Because we are killing the punter! He needs emergency help!"

Too bad Sean Taylor only tries this hard in meaningless games and when he's trying to beat someone's ass off the field.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Be Concerned About The Turtle

It's not time to fear the turtle yet but we'll definitely give Murland credit for beating Duke. Hopefully this will spark a turnaround that'll put them in the tournament so they can lose to Albany in the first round. It's just a shame that self-educated rapper Cluck-U-Pac wasn't around to freestyle about how DJ Strawberry and the other seniors took over and helped Duke to their 4th defeat in a row. Just hope Dick Vitale doesn't put out his good eye in suicidal fit of frustration and agony at Duke's tailspin.

Brendan and Etan Like Bloods and Crips

Brendan Haywood and Etan Thomas fought again in practice. In such a generally happy locker room, its rough that these two keep fighting and disturbing the peace. Did the fight have something to do with the EGG the Wizards laid against the Trailblazers? Probably, well that and the fact that Antwan wasn't there.

We did however find a bit of Etan's poetry in a trashcan outside the Verizon Center dispalying his emotions from his 2nd scuffle with Brendan.

"Me dont like Brendan
Brendan cheap shot me.
Me mad!
Me stronger but
Me lose minutes because,
Me cannot stay healthy
Me mad
Me fight back!
Me choke the bitch!!
Me get suspended?
Me mad!!
Me just want to win
Me and Brendan be ok soon but
Me mad!!!!"
Deep thoughts indeed. We couldnt get video of the fight since the Wizards' practices are closed to the likes of us, but we think it went something like this