Saturday, April 7, 2007

Let The Muthaf**ka Burn

Fuck your couch, convict.

Luc Longley must have thought Bill Wennington was going to accept an Aussie cutting into his playing time. Nah playboy, Americans don't roll like that. Bill waited years to get his revenge like Mason Storm and it looks like he finally got it.

Luc Longley's house in Perth, Australia was destroyed in a fire last night. His family was in the house but Luc managed to get everyone out. No babies were eaten by dingos.

Other suspects include Paul Hogan, Yahoo Serious, the Energizer guy and the lead singer from Midnight Oil. Our money's on Bill.

Grease Me Up Woman, I'm Going In

Zeferino Jackson of Black Sports Online had the opportunity to travel to Puerto Rico to observe Oscar de la Hoya in training for his May fight with Floyd Mayweather Jr. Let's just say that while his training methods are old school, they're also a bit...well, interesting.

Here are some of the highlights:

5 AM - 5 mile run that often ends up in de la Hoya running in a Mets baseball hat, speedos and running shoes with no socks

7:00-8:30 AM - Chase chickens

3:00-4:00 PM - "Family time with wife Millie Corretjer. According to one of Oscar’s entourage, Oscar enjoys non-ejaculatory sex with wife (rejuvenates the spirit). Freddie Roach does not discourage sexual contact during training as long as the fighter does not climax or reach orgasm. Roach declined to comment on exactly what Oscar does from 3:00pm to 4:00pm but he did share this: 'Let’s just say, when a fighter is pent up from having sex with no release, this increases his aggression and ferocity in the ring. This is why Manny is champ right now and this is why Floyd Mayweather’s getting knocked out on Cinco de Mayo..'"

8:00-9:00 PM - "Freddie Roach performs the full nude body greasedown massage technique on Oscar de la Hoya while fight strategy is discussed ... In my opinion, Freddie Roach is the least adept as his Parkinson’s affected hands don’t seem to allow him to perform the gentlest massage. For those not familiar with the deeper fundamentals of boxing training, the full nude body greasedown consists of the trainer rubbing a combination of oil, vinegar, and sometimes salt over the completely nude body of a boxer. This seems to increase concentration and cause a bond between the fighter and the trainer."

9:00-10:00 PM - "Freddie Roach has Oscar de la Hoya and the sparring partners go for a swim in a special thermal pool designed to relax the muscles and allow them to recuperate faster from the day’s training. Only fighters and trainers are allowed in the pool and no clothing or any type of swimwear is allowed while swimming. Freddie Roach supervises the swimming and I am informed that he also serves as a lifeguard during this. The environment is completely professional and not paramount to 'skinny dipping' as some in Floyd Mayweather’s camp have alluded to."

I don't even know where to start with this but I'll go with non-ejaculatory sex for $800, Alex.

"Hey, Millie. Hey, Millie! Listen here. Since your old man ain't got no heart, maybe you like to see a real man. I bet you stay up late every night dreamin' you had a real man, don't ya? I'll tell you what. Bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I'll show you a real man."

If de la Hoya doesn't win this fight (which he has no chance of doing), he should just end himself. Getting greased up by a guy with Parkinson's and giving yourself blue balls every day is no way to go through life.

But, But . . . You're Brown!

As I type, Bangladesh is defending 251 against the Sethaffrikens, and have them 4-67 after 20 overs. And de Villiers, Smith, and Kallis represent three of the wickets. You gotta think that it's going to be nigh impossible for the Saffers to rebound from their atrocious start, especially with two of their three best batsmen retired to the pavilion. (I'll take Gibbs over Kallis any day in a one-day -- Kallis just isn't aggressive enough.) (UPDATE: SA are 8-140 after 39. And while Gibbs is still in the middle, this one is just about over.)

Who says that the minnows aren't fun? Do you real think that an old, cranky, and divided India could have rocked SA like this? All credit to your 2011 World Cup champs, Bangladesh. Even if they do manage to lose today, they've shown that they can compete with the big boys. But damn, Mushfiqur Rahim is a mouthy wicketkeeper. Makes Nixon look like a shrinking violet. Sort of the Leo Getz to Bashar's Murtaugh and Tamim Iqbal's Riggs.

In other news, Chimp Rage and I attended our first Nats game of the year last night. It's going to be a loooooong season. I really believe that the Nats could lose 120 games. And it doesn't help when you've got a mediocre journeyman like Chris Snelling who feels the need to repeat his OC ritual of 1) Unwrapping and wrapping gloves; 2) Tapping each cleat once; 3) Making a cross on the plate before each pitch. Especially in light of the fact that he seems to take time after every other pitch. That means 50% more ritual. And that means longer, yet still ultimately futile, at-bats. And that means longer, and even more painful, games.


Thursday, April 5, 2007

West Virgina Leaves Every Child Behind

There's something to be said about striving for a perfect graduation rate. It appears that West Virginia has it backwards and is shooting for a graduation rate of zero percent. Maybe the signs were in the air when West Virginia players wore their misspelled NIT championship shirts.

Bob Huggins is leaving Kansas State to become the new coach of West Virginia after John Beilein left to take the Michigan job.

It's obvious that West Virginia has no interest in its basketball players graduating from college. The incarceration and recidivism rates will surely increase and put WVU at #1 in the AP and ESPN/USA Today polls if those are taken into account.

As one might imagine, Kansas State isn't very happy with Huggy.

"I asked him, 'Bob, do you think leaving now is the right thing to do?' And he said, 'No,"' athletic director Tim Weiser said at a news conference. "Then I said, 'How many times in your life have you known what the right thing is to do and not done it?' And he said, 'Never."'
Why don't I believe him? That would be like driving under the influence when you know you shouldn't. Huggy would never do that.

I Predict A Riot

Watching the people get lairy
It's not very pretty I tell thee
Walking through town is quite scary
It's not very sensible either
A friend of a friend he got beaten
He looked the wrong way at a policeman

Roman police added injury to insult after Manchester United's 2-1 Champions League loss to Roma by opening up a can of whupass on United supporters who were fighting with Roma ultras.

Of course each side blamed the other for starting the fracas. Luckily, trustworthy, non-partisan observers stepped forward to settle the argument. If there's anyone we can trust, it's an Italian politician.

Italian Economy ministry under-secretary Paolo Cento, who also chairs a club of Roma supporters in parliament, said the blame lay with the English club - which had warned travelling fans that they could be attacked in Rome - rather than with the police.

'It was Manchester that a few days before the match created a mood of tension, talking of a city of violence and danger,' Cento told ANSA news agency.

'Now the English club must apologise to Rome and Italy, rather than asking for (Prime Minister Tony) Blair to intervene.'
Oh that's right, warning fans of a potential beatdown caused the fans to start to riot. "Well nothing's happened yet. We might as well get the beatdown out of the way."

United manager Sir Alex "I Predict A Riot" Ferguson played the role of Nostradamus the day before the match. "Hopefully, everything will be okay tomorrow. I don't anticipate trouble but the Italian police are very experienced and I think they can deal with it."


How To Make It Rain

The Deuce has been able to get its hands on video of Pacman Jones from the strip club and his subsequent trial. This is a step by step lesson on how real playas ball.

How is it that Pacman goes to trial faster than R. Kelly? He should have pissed on the stripper.

Roger Goodell should let bygones be bygones and let the justice system sort this out. The man's been through enough already. He stoppped talking to local Nashville media after deciding that "Nashvillians had judged him unfairly because of his appearance". Yeeeeah that's it, playboy.

Video courtesy of The Last Boss.

Monday, April 2, 2007 Chanel

This is actually for sale at Chanel stores. What douche is going to purchase this ball for $195 and actually use it on the field? Can you imagine how quickly everyone will gang up to take out a knee? Better yet, what even bigger douche is going to purchase this ball for $195, not to use it at all, actually believing it is going to become a collectors item? I mean, an autographed football by Pac-Man Jones is a collectors item, who knows how long that assclown is going to be playing.

The only guy I can see buying this is P. Diddy or Puff or whatever he's called right now, maybe Birdman, or Jay-Z. Pretty much the only demographic that is purchasing this ball is "rap mogul" who has bought every obscenely expensive yet utterly worthless materialistic, ego boosting piece of shit out there...until now.

This is just an atrocity that never should have existed.

Link - From the New York Times through

Cricket & Hotties Like Bread & Baloney

Since our resident cricket expert Trapper John has been in Australia for the past week, the cricket posts have been, shall we say, lacking. So to fill the void I have taken it upon myself to show you some cricket footage. That is, footage of hot ass women playing bikinis. Might be NSFW due to amount of women bouncing and jiggling happening here. Happy Monday to you all.

Thanks to the good people at Spiked Humor for this.