Friday, January 18, 2008

There's Only Two Herschel Walkers

Herschel Walker's upcoming autobiography has plenty of stories about his football career. However it also has a "stunning" revelation. Walker cops to having Multiple Personality Disorder.

Teammates and former coaches were shocked as he showed no signs of being off or possessed.

"I'm probably one of his closest friends and that's news to me," said Frank Ros, a Coca-Cola executive who played linebacker and was captain of Georgia's 1980 national championship team. "I knew he was working on a book but I just thought it was about football. He does 100 things at once and always has projects going on but that blows me away."

Said his former coach, Vince Dooley: "That's all news to me. All I know is whatever personality he had when he had the football was the one I liked."

Sounds suspect if you ask us. He'll probably use this as an excuse for his play with the Vikings.

"You see what had happened was the Herschel who played with the Cowboys isn't the same as the Herschel that played with the Vikings. See George Foreman's boys. They're all named George but they're all different. It's the same with me 'cept all the Herschels are in my head!"

Oh, that probably offended someone. Whatever, damn this country's PC, puritanical streak. In England, there are so many good songs to sing mocking athlete's at their lowest points without Joe Buck or some other assclown screaming hysterically about the children and our virgin ears and eyes. Thank Jebus for soccer where that's not a consideration.

"We were here when you were one!"

From Atlanta Journal Constitution

Deez Nuts And Goldenballs

Just like peanuts and gum, together at last.

David Beckham and Snoop Dogg had so much fun learning about soccer and getting their Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles on. They've decided to take their relationship to the next level through their mutual love of chickenhead hoes and slippers.

"We are talking about making a slipper together," revealed the US rap star. "So when I stop rapping and he stops playing soccer we can kick back and slip on a house shoe."

Their mutual appreciation for the comfy footwear was established after the soccer ace made a guest appearance on Snoop's US reality show Father Hood. "I got David a pair of slippers as a present," says the Paid Tha Cost To Be Da Boss star. "He took a picture of himself wearing them and sent it to me. I said, 'They look cool!'."
And then he said, "Like totally, mate! Shall I rub your chin nuts?"

It's not clear that this would work. Does Beckham appreciate the simple South Central house shoes from the swap meet? They could expand into the mothball-infested house robes worn by junkies and Mafia dons. I don't see that selling in Paris and Milan. Essex and Detroit? Yes. This just seems like an idea destined for failure. Snoop's better off getting Goldenballs into the studio. Fire!

What's The Matter? You Burnin?

"Johnny, please report to the nurse's office. Your jumbo pack of Valtrex is here."

You have to feeling for the wrestling team at Gustine High. The principal might as well have called them up in front of the entire school to give them the mother of all cockpunches while he or she was at it after throwing them under the bus.

Gustine High officials announced to student and teachers that there was a herpes outbreak at the school. Word quickly spread that the wrestling team was hit by the outbreak.

An announcement was made over the school intercom informing students and teachers of a herpes outbreak.

...A recorded message was sent by phone to the students’ parents informing them of the outbreak at school. “That message did not single out or identify any individual or group of students who may have contacted or been exposed to the skin condition,” the school’s press release insisted.

...“We can’t walk down the hallway without someone yelling, ‘Herpes!’” said senior wrestler Zane Atkins. “Kids, teachers who usually shake our hand — they don’t want anything to do with us.”
One problem. The wrestlers didn't have the herp. One of them thought it might be herpes gladiatorum or staphylococcus aureus and it turned out to be the latter. However the school decided to go apeshit before the final results were gone and blow up the wrestler's spot.

The school denied leaking the fact that the wrestling team was involved but a school employee said that he saw a Spanish language version of the parental notice and the wrestling team was involved. Ay dios mio!

Now You're Out Of Table! Where Are You Going, Pal?

Things aren't so bueno for Miguel Tejada these days. He probably thought he was free and clear when he was traded from the Orioles to the Astros until he was named in the Mitchell Report.
Then the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee decided to look into whether he lied to federal investigators in 2005. As if that wasn't bad enough, his brother died in a motorcycle accident on Tuesday.

One would think that would be enough to deal with but we ain't even got started yet. It looks like the violent Olestra diarrhea is hitting the industrial fan. The FBI has initiated an investigation into Tejada and the Houston Chronicle reports that he could lose his green card.

Tejada, a native of the Dominican Republic, is a legal U.S. resident with a green card. Yet there are some instances in which he could be denied entry back into the country just by admitting he committed a crime for which he is being investigated.

"Obstruction of justice is considered under immigration law a crime involving moral turpitude," said attorney Alexandre Afanassiev, who practices immigration litigation. "So the question then becomes, how long did he have his green card? Why? Because the law says that if you had your green card for less than five years and then committed a crime of moral turpitude, you can be subject to deportation. In other words, they can take your green card away because of that crime and (have you) sent home."
One has to think Andy McPhail is hoping for deportation. It would make Orioles management look like geniuses until they trade Erik Bedard to the Cubs for a case of skunk Old Style and a lifetime supply of dogs from the Wiener's Circle. I would go for Burritoville (RIP) or Taco Burrito Palace #2.

Maybe Miggy can play for Los Aguilas de Mexicali and convinced Fernando Valenzuela to come back for one more year. So much for the B-12.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Your Dream Is Dead, Go Learn Golf

I was browsing through some NBA rosters the other day and it struck me that there were a lot of players wasting away on the bench that are of virtually no value whatsoever. They have long proven their lack of worth and really have no reason to be on an NBA team other than their mistakenly given massive contracts or as roster fodder. Surely these roster spots could be given to some young kid from the NBDL who has a chance and the desire to prove their worth in the NBA since these guys haven't? So, why are these 6 guys in the league still? Read mine and tell the Deuce who you think shouldn't be in the league.

Othella Harrington:
I have a soft spot for Othella since he played at Georgetown here in DC, but it has got to be time for the guy to hang up the shoes. He's played in just 8 games this year for the woeful Bobcats and hasn't had a good year since the 1999-2000 season. How has a guy with career averages of 7.5 points and 4.5 rebounds stuck around this long? He is a big man that doesn't even rebound? Why does someone want to employ this guy? Oh right, because he has 1 more year left on his deal after this one.

Shareef Abdur-Rahim:
Long gone are the days when Shareef was filling a stat line with 20/9/3 every night. The guy is 31 years old and has lost his shooting well as his ability to move like he used to. He's a jump shooting power forward with a bad shot and hasn't been able to even crack the 2nd rotation of the Kings. Sadly for the Kings, they still have to pay this stiff another 12.8 million for 2 more years to sit on their bench and rot.

Kevin Ollie:
Ollie was benched after 23 games last season when the Philadelphia 76ers realized he's old and cannot run the point anymore. Perhaps their first clue about this could have been in looking at his career statistics of pure crap. Ollie has a career apg of 2.4...and he's a pure point guard. Not much distribution of the ball there, eh Kev? Its not like he was jacking the ball up in the air or scoring a ton of baskets with his less than gaudy career average of 3.9 ppg. Sure he has been held back in his statistics with the fact that he has averaged 16 minutes per game for 11 seasons of basketball. I'm no general manager or scout but this guy seems to have never belonged in the NBA in the first place? Luckily, he's in the last year of his contract.

Eric Piatkowski:
The Phoenix Suns kept Eric around all year last year and didn't use him fore more than 11 games worth of garbage time, and for that, they picked up his contract for 1 more year. Amazingly enough, he's actually appeared in 9 games so far, and has done even less than he did last year. Piatkowski is 37 years old and is 5 years removed from his last meaningful season in the NBA, coincidentally this is his last year with the Clippers. Their taint went with him after he left. Poor guy. Must be nice to get paid over 1 million dollars to sit in the best seats in the arena every night and watch an amazing team like the Suns play ball. Yes, we all want to be Eric Piatkowski, he's like the Jim Sorgi or Matt Cassell of the NBA.

Lorenzen Wright:
The tread on Wright's tired wore out around his last year with Memphis in 2005-2006. In wisdom only the GM of the Atlanta Hawks could follow, this meant they should sign him to a 2 year contract. This, of course has blown up in their faces. This season Lorenzen has appeared in 9 games and has a total of, wait for it, 9 points. He did have one game this season where he played for nearly 30 minutes and dragged down 12 boards, but sadly for him, that has not been duplicated. It was a quick fall for Lorenzen, he should exit the league even quicker.

Pat Garrity:
Was Pat Garrity ever good? Well, he did have a couple decent years for the Magic, but since the 2002-2003 season, he has been suck in a can for the Magic. He's got wrecked knees and he can no longer do one the thing he was particularly adept at...that is shoot the ball. He has averaged 2.2 points this year and last year and around 4.7 the two years before that. Would you believe that he banked over 7 million dollars for this season and last season combined? This guy took the money and just stopped running. I think it is time the Magic let go of their boy Pat.

There are many more than just these 6 guys so, I open it up to the readers, who else doesn't belong in the league anymore?

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Every Other City We Go, Every Other Video

Cristiano Ronaldo sees the same hoes. For a soccer player who's revered for his good looks and dubious crossover, he sure loves himself some hookers.

Ronaldo's already been busted for having hookers over to his place to welcome recent Manchester United signings Nani and Anderson. Now it looks like he's been busted again for jetting off to Rome for some NICE!

Ronaldo shot down to Rome right after United's win over Aston Villa and headed straight for the red light district.

The star's night of disgrace began with his visit to Rome's notorious Divafutura Channel club. Inside the dimly-lit basement punters are hustled to buy hostesses £120 bottles of champagne as brazen performers-who charge £35 for private lapdances—strip on a podium.

...A source at the strip joint told us: "Ronaldo and a pal arranged for two girls to go to his hotel after leaving the club.

"They PAID for sex with the girls then SWAPPED over so they could bed BOTH of them."
Getting a brace in Rome and then a hat trick against Newcastle this past weekend shows that Ronaldo's at the top of his form. He's well on his way to Footballer of the Year.

All In The Family

There's just something about these English football families. From the Bartons to the Pennants, there's a bond which you just don't get over here except with the Vicks.

Let's meet the Pennants. The best known Pennant is Jermaine who's known for his lackadaisical play for Liverpool and his criminal record which includes being arrested for drunk driving and giving the police the name of his Arsenal teammate Ashley Cole. He was also arrested for smacking his bitch up.

Now where would he learn these nasty habits. Enter dad Gary Pennant. News of the World discovered that Gary is the proud owner of a crack and heroin den in Nottingham, England.

"Crack" investigators were able to buy crack and heroin from Gary after working their way into his lair of temptation.

On Thursday our undercover investigators got inside his dingy two-storey lair. Dreadlocked pusher Pennant, 43, sold them three rocks of crack and a wrap of heroin, then bragged:

"It's top sh**. See for yourself. Just let me know if you need any more, you're safe!"

But safety is his last concern. Our team watched in shock as Pennant's dad INJECTED heroin into a call-girl customer then used the SAME needle on himself.

Meanwhile three men were upstairs having sex, all at the same time, with another hooker out of her head on drugs.

A Jamaican henchman called Tee told us: "Drugs, gang-bangs, anything you like goes here. It's cool. If you want to take one of the bitches you can.
Gary Pennant's crib sounds like the Carter Apartments. You can just see him jumping up and yelling at Tee, "Sit yo five dollar ass down before I make change!"

The paper reports Jermaine is still close with his dad. If that's the case, it's amazing he's managed to get in as little trouble as he has so far. He must be a huge disappointment to his pops.

Vai Sikahema, Your Next Boxing Superstar

Vai Sikahema works at Philadelphia's NBC 10 as its sports director, has a good job and a good life after his NFL playing days, but his life will not be complete until he gets into the ring and gets his head knocked off by a boxer.

Vai is chronicling his attempt to get back into shape and get into the ring for an actual boxing match on January 19th against 37 year old David Cruise. Cruise is a former University of Iowa martial arts team member specializing in Tae Kwan Do and currently does some radio work. This, does not sound good for the former NFL running back/return man.

Dude is 45 years old and only boxed when he was a teenager and he's going up against a man who is nearly 10 years younger and was on his college's martial arts team. This has disaster written all over it. For what you ask? Let Vai tell you himself:

"'Why?' my wife has asked numerous times over the past month.Well, because I'm curious. That's all, just curious. And frankly, I think it'll be fun. That's it -- no hidden agenda, just curiosity and fun."

Well that makes sense. I, too, am a curious sort who likes to have fun, but never in my mind did I think that getting the shit beat out of me would be entertaining for myself. In fact, I generally feel quite the opposite about it. This is almost like right out of fight club or something. Someone has to get some video of this fight for us. You know where to send it. (mail [at] deuceofdavenport [dot] com).

From NBC 10 Philadelphia

HS Students Fight Fire With Fetuses

Swimmers at the Roosevelt High School in Des Moines, Iowa are suspected of retaliation by fetus from a snowball attack after one of their swim meets. The swim team is being investigated for stealing pig fetuses from the science department and "decorating" their rival's cars with them.

Lord knows what kind of repercussions these students face for this because in the age of zero tolerance, one has to figure this won't be taken lightly. Its a shame though, this seems like a perfectly harmless prank. I mean, its human nature to escalate a battle. One day its snowballs, the next day pig fetuses, the next day you disembowel a cow over the coaches car. Seems logical to me.

I hope the principal takes it easy on these kids because the Deuce approves of these actions. We thank them for giving us the chance to use the words pig fetus in a post.

From Political Gateway

Monday, January 14, 2008

Road Bowling: The New Old Sport

Just grab a couple balls and go. The Irish are not to be outdone with stupid sports, they have one of their own, Irish Road Bowling. This is a game played with a couple 28oz cannonballs and a road, not even a straight road, just a road. The object is to throw the ball from the predetermined start of the course to the end of the predetermined end of the course in the fewest number of throws. Basically, you go from the start of the road to the end of the road with as little throws as possible.

Its sorta like golf, more like Frisbee golf, only unlike those Scottish and English wankers, they use a cannonball and asphalt because, well, the Irish are hard-core like that. I was told about it this past weekend at my favorite drinking establishment here in DC and it was news to me that this existed. Personally I find it fantastic, but if you want to see its awesomeness in video form, check out this roadbowler displaying how to properly bowl the ball. The man is a force.

You can play Irish Road Bowling here in the states but you might want to find a road where you wont get hit by a car. A couple groups have organized themselves in West Virginia and New York if you really want to get your organized activity Jones going. Get your balls ready, its time to play.

The Expected Unexpected In NFL Playoffs

Saturday, the expected happened. The Patriots toppled the Jaguars in a hard fought (Joe Gibbs term) battle in Foxboro. Most everyone expected that their opponent in the conference championship game would be the Colts who should've had no problem with the San Diego Chargers on Sunday. Most everyone was wrong when the Chargers, who lost LT in the 2nd quarter and Phillip Rivers later in the game, snuck away with a win at Indy with some solid defense and huge contributions from back-up players.

Also on Saturday, the expected happened when the Green Bay Packers dismantled the Seattle Seahawks in classic Green Bay weather, a heavy snow and plenty of cold and wind. Most everyone expected that their opponent in the conference championship game would the the Dallas Cowboys who should've had no problem with the New York Giants on Sunday. TO was playing, it is a home game, no problem right? Wrong, Eli Manning (of all people) had a great game with no mistakes and the defense stepped up in the 2nd half, disrupting Tony Romo greatly, and allowing only a field goal for Dallas in the 3rd quarter. New York beats Dallas, Romo is 0-2 as a quarterback in the playoffs and T.O. cries after the game:

The unexpected should always be expected in the NFL. All Norv Turner haters, myself included, are scared to find out that a Norv Turner team made it to the conference championship. In addition to this development, most Eli Manning haters are frightened that he is in a conference championship game, especially with Tom Coughlin as his head coach. Tiki Barber must be crying in his dockers pants right now that he retired because his former team, and the next season they are a game away from the Super Bowl. All of this of course means there is a tear in the fabric of the universe somewhere and we are all certainly about to die. You should be afraid. Yes, Armageddon is upon us people but first, we have 1 more round of playoffs to go before the Super Bowl.

San Diego at New England and New York at Green Bay...this doesn't leave much drama I don't think. With weather being a huge factor, it has got to be Green Bay vs New England, dont you think? You know this guy wants to show the kid how its done.

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