Friday, March 21, 2008

Kimbo Slice at the Baltimore Arena? It could happen if the Maryland State Senate gets its way.

The Denver Broncos Are Broker Than Britney Spears

Don't tell Denver Broncos owner Pat Bowlen money don't matter. He's running low and needs all he can get. The Denver Post reports that the Broncos canned eight employees including the director of media relations and the manager of

Cost-cutting has been taking place for a while with three coaches being let go and replaced internally. In addition, players have been forced to eat gruel out of troughs and share jock straps.

Bowlen might want to consider asking head coach Mike Shanahan for a loan. He just sold his house for $16 million and "recently broke ground on a megamansion that will take a year to complete".

Specs on the old house?

It includes three Jacuzzis, an 80-square-foot steam room, a 108-square-foot sauna, a 2,299-square-foot heated garage, a 2,100-square-foot swimming pool, a 165-square-foot hot tub. It was built in 2000 and has slate mission tile on the roof.

Two buildings are on the land, one with three bedrooms and six fireplaces; the other with two bedrooms.
The new house will be 30,000 square feet. That's got to be a kick in the dick for Broncos employees who are worried about their jobs.

As if that wasn't odd enough, the land for the new home was previously owned by Janet Elway who received it from her divorce settlement with former Bronocs QB and Baltimore Colts destroyer John Elway. (Not like I'm still bitter or anything.) That has to be an awkward conversation at Bronco reunions.

Nobody circles the wagons to America Jr. like the Buffalo Bills. Catch the Bills farewell tour before they permanently move away like the freedom haters they are.

What You Know Bout Practice?

The good news is that no one on the Bengals has gone to jail yet. Don't hold us to that. That's since two minutes ago. The bad news is that not only does Ocho Cinco want out but T.J. Houshmandzadeh is skipping the voluntary conditioning program as well. reports that TJ is skipping the workouts for "many of the same reasons Johnson is not attending". The reasons include being underpaid and not being paid enough.

Houshmandzadeh is in the final year of four-year contract that is scheduled to pay him a base salary of $2.525 million. He failed to show up to the Bengals' offseason conditioning program last season and, without a new deal before this year’s offseason conditioning program, Houshmandzadeh is not about to attend now. It is the reason he is not expected Monday or anytime shortly thereafter.
The article also notes that TJ is in the last year of his contract unlike Cinco who still has three years left. It would seem that the Bengals have to make a decision on TJ before Cinco. That'll definitely sit well with Cinco.

Speak of the devil, Cinco just appeared on Last Call with Carson Daly but didn't say anything about a potential holdout. Leave it to the douchebag and not ask the important questions. Before you ask, I lost the remote and I'm too lazy to get up to change the channel. This is my cruel and unusual punishment.

Bucks owner Herb Kohl is a gentleman and a scholar unlike George Shinn and Clay Bennett. Mediocrity is here to stay in Milwaukee.

Wayne Rooney's Cougar

It's been a while since we've been to cougar country and since we've had a soccer roundup so without further ado, let's go hunting for MILFs and news from the world of futbol.

The MLS Is Hot Hot Hot, Hot For Beckham

It seems as though there's nothing the MLS won't do for Beckham. They'll let him play when he wants. Travel as he wants. It wouldn't be a surprise to know that Don Garber and Alexi Lalas are required to suck him off on command.

Reports are surfacing that Beckham has the right to buy the Galaxy after his contract ends in three years. 60 Minutes will report on Sunday that the option was given to him as well as his manager, Simon Fuller. Fuller, in addition to being Goldenballs' manager, is also the creator of Pop Idol which is the father of American Idol.

Don't be surprised if Landon Donovan's wife is part of the option as well. It's not like he would do anything about it expect bitch, moan and cry while running back to his house with his hands at his sides. "It's just like Leverkusen!"

Everton Adopts The Kitchen Sink Approach

Hillary Clinton isn't the only one out there to resort to the kitchen sink approach while on the ropes. Everton is desperately trying to lock down 4th place in the Premiership. Plan X: 7-year old Harry Yates.

Finishing in the top four means Champions League football next season and the additional millions that will come from competing in the competition. Yates is a keeper which has to make current Everton and US keeper Tim Howard nervous.

Drunk Me Up Woman, I'm Going In

It would be nice if today's athletes had the same drive and dedication to their game as Norwich's Matty Pattison. Pattison was worried about being late for practice so he hopped into his car and rushed to practice last Sunday morning. The problem was that he was only wearing his underwear, a t-shirt and shoes. It gets better as there was no practice that day. Oh almost forgot, he was also shitfaced from the previous night and was arrested for drunk driving.

Pattison, also known as "Party", was arrested after being seen driving all over the road by cops. When he was arrested, he was "unsteady on his feet and slurring his words".

A source at Norwich told the Mirror: "Matty is always out clubbing which is why he has got the nickname 'Party'. It's a shame he has a bit of a problem because he is a good player."
Manager Glenn Roeder should lay off Party. He should be lucky that Party still wanted to show up in his state. Most of today's athletes would have blown off practice or showed up late. That's commitment. If Roeder recognized that, he'd probably have a job in the Premiership.

Newsflash: Avram Grant Doesn't Know What He's Doing

I would call Chelsea manager Avram Grant a donkey but that would be an insult to donkeys. At least they're useful. Word seems to be getting out that he's in over his head. Chelsea is still within sniffing distance of the league and Champions League in spite of his cluelessness.

Add Didier Drogba to the list of people who wonder what the hell Grant is doing. Like the rest of us who always ask "What the fuck are you doing?", Drogba was asking the same question during Wednesday's draw with Tottenham.
Sportsmail can reveal that the Chelsea striker approached a leading club official in the tunnel area at White Hart Lane and expressed his frustrations with the decisions that rocked the club's title aspirations.

Drogba spoke to assistant manager Steve Clarke as the players left the field on Wednesday night and demanded to know 'what was going on?'

That continued when he walked down the tunnel and he sought a leading club official for an explanation on how the club had 'thrown away' maximum points.
Hopefully Drogba will let us know if he finds out the answer to his questions especially the one about Joe Cole's substitution. Grant's tactics and substitutions continue to wreck Chelsea's season. He's cost the club two cups and now maybe a chance at the title.

Roman Abramovich needs to pull his head out of his ass and make some wholesale changes starting at the top if he wants to realize his goals for Chelsea. He needs to drop the yes men and clear out the dead weight in the changing room starting with Grant and players such as Claudio Pizarro, Andriy Shevchenko and Steve Sidwell among others.

No One Expects The Scottish Taliban

The War on Terror is working out just as well as the War on Drugs. The Taliban have now spread their sphere of influence to Scotland.

Celebrations for Scottish Third Division winners East Fife were ruined when police threatened to arrest a director after champagne bottles were popped on the pitch. The team was warned that it was illegal to have alcohol in glass containers in the stadium. They were told to remove them and the coppers stepped up like the Saudi moral police when the bottles reappeared.
"After the match, another of the guys brought the bottles out and began to celebrate Formula One style. One of the local bobbies took exception to it and said put it away or they would be arrested.
Well good thing they're on the case. First the champagne comes out and next thing the town burns to the ground. Just wait until the cops make haggis start wearing burkhas because some people think it tastes good.

Shut up, you fucking baby. David Cross and Bob Odenkirk are getting back together to work on a new project called David's Situation. Hell yes.

The Chicago Sun-Times Gets Played

It's not bad enough that the Chicago Sun-Times has one of the biggest douchebag hacks in the business. We're looking at you, Mariotti. They just got punked (merked if you're in England) by their rival, the Chicago Tribune.

The Sun-Times held a music video contest to protest the renaming of Wrigley Field by Tribune owner Sam Zell. Today college student Katie Hamilton was named the winner. The only problem is that she's also a Tribune intern.

Hamilton and a Tribune reporter posted a thank you video this morning aimed at the Sun Times and said they would donate the $1000 prize to charity. Anyone else that wants to donate was encouraged to send money to "Tribune Totally Wins the Sun-Times’s Music Video Contest".

Here's the winning video along with the thank you. Suck it, Mariotti.

The only thing better would have been a guest appearance by Ozzie Guillen threatening to choke out Mariotti if Zell sells the naming rights to anyone other than Elvis Hitler who owns the Inner Town or Gold Star.

The administration wasn't kidding when it said it was getting serious about domestic surveillance. The increased surveillance is paying off already thanks to the crack efforts of the State Department.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Want To Have Sex With Tony Parker's Wife?

Now everyone can! Well, sorta. Pipedream Products (link NSFW) has put out some ridiculous blow up dolls featuring Tony Parker's wife Eva Longoria as well as Tony Romo's girlfriend Jessica Simpson amongst other famous female celebrities. So all you lonely bloggers living in your parents basements, toiling away in your underwear, with no chance of ever seeing a real live woman naked, can now get some action with the same hot women your favorite athletes do...wait, i'm talking about myself aren't I? I'm going to go cry in a corner...
From The Superficial

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The World Series of Golf Is Coming Again

Poker players are bored, it seems, so combining the betting of poker with the skill of golf is the World Series of Golf that is set to arrive in May. You can even sign up for it right now. Its only accepting amateur golfers and you actually wager every hole you play on for who can get the best score.

Players ante on each tee. The ante is followed by a pass, bet or fold on each golf shot, combining the skill of golf with the finesse of betting. When a player is out of money, they are out of the hole and out of the tournament. The players do not play against the field; they play against those in their group.

The objective is to win all the money from the other players in the group. Whoever does that, wins the match and advances to the next round. Players are paid after advancing through the first round.

The challenge of this type of competition is to win all the other players’ money in each group in each match. This is not about shooting the lowest score, it’s not a stroke play format. The World Series of Golf® tournament allows players to compete in successive elimination matches and use the pressure of betting and the skills of golf.

The event itself will take place May 12 - May 15th and requires a $1,000 registration deposit to play so the prize pool (aka all the money people use to enter the tournament) should be in the hundreds of thousands of dollars. Last year's event had a top prize of $250,000.

So far, this gambling event has attracted the likes of poker pros Phil Ivey, Phil Gordon, Steve Dannenmann, Rhett Butler as well as former Bond girl Tanya Roberts and former Miss Nevada Michelle Yegge. Superstars in their own minds for sure.

I've always thought that golf should be more exciting and nothing quite matches the excitement of gambling so the combination of the two thoroughly intrigues me. If this event ever gets televised somewhere they might be on to something. Most people play golf and gamble anyway, ask Michael Jordan, this is just a more formalized event for it all and if I was any good at golf, I would think about signing up myself. Too bad I suck harder than a Dyson vacuum cleaner at it.

Sports Illustrated Covers Trending Towards Blacks And Football

Dolores Labs Blog has taken an interesting look at the Sports Illustrated covers for the past 50 some years and found that the covers are trending more towards football player covers and black athletes covers.

Leaving the race on covers issue aside for now, I find it most interesting that basketball overtook football in the spotlight for over a decade and baseball has actually remained pretty constant despite all of its troubles...maybe that makes for good press. The race issue is certainly more of a factor of the rising amounts of black athletes in "major" sports compared to the declining amounts of white athletes in the same sports. The sports covered however is an interesting indication of the increasing and decreasing popularity of the sports as a whole.

In the grand scheme of things, this doesn't mean all that much, but it is always neat to look at the trends in the coverage of sports from the publishing world.

Images & Data from Dolores Labs Blog

Tank Chair Will Kill You Dead

Really? Seriously? There is now a chair that will run the fuck over the Rascal that your grandmother used to own. Its the Tank Chair. If you are paralyzed and need to do some off roading or snow travel or to go down some stairs or whatever, this is the bad-ass chair of your dreams.

Tank Chair is a Custom off-road wheelchair that can go anywhere outdoors. TankChair conquers streams, mud, snow, sand, and gravel, allowing you to get back to nature. Using rubber tracks and high torque electric motors, TankChair can take you just about anywhere. Even the urban street and stairs, with a incline accent of up to 45 degrees, TankChair will take you anywhere and back.

What more can you ask for?? I've got two fully functional legs but even I want one! This thing kicks the shit out of any Segway or Rascal that I have ever seen. I am thinking of custom ordering one right now. Actually, I think i heard that Len Pasquarelli was ordering one the other day, Lord knows he needs one more than me.