Thursday, May 17, 2007

Where My Dogs At

Yesterday the Deuce brought you the story of Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho holding it down for his dog, Gullit. He was willing to go to jail for his dog and like Henry Hill, he didn't snitch. Paulie, The Lox, a Yorkshire Terrier, whatever. You think it don't be like it is but it do.

Mourinho took one for the team but now Gullit is missing and Paddy Power is offering a reward for his safe return. They're offering £500 for his return but it's not a cash prize. The £500 is good towards a "free bet on Chelsea winning the FA Cup Final".

At odds of 17/10 on Chelsea winning the FA Cup the £500 stake could be boosted to £1350 for the dog-finder.
Paddy Power is not only offering a reward but they're also offering odds on where Gullit will be found.
Where Will The Mourinho’s Terrier Be Found?

4/1 On the Kings Road
8/1 Inside Jose’s manbag
10/1 Battersea Dog’s Home
12/1 Stamford Bridge
12/1 Paddy Power’s Kings Road shop
14/1 Chelsea’s training ground in Cobham
25/1 Wembley
50/1 Wimbledon dog track
80/1 At Huddersfield Town’s Galpharm Stadium - Home of The Terriers
100/1 In the boot of Roman Abramovich’s car
100/1 In Alex Ferguson’s office
250/1 Playing with the Queen’s corgis at Buckingham Palace
500/1 London Zoo
500/1 Isle of Dogs
500/1 In a Damien Hirst exhibition
1000/1 In The FA Cup on Cup Final Day

This could be one of the most brilliant betting scenarios laid out in recent history.

Since we alluded to it...

Can the Nationals Help Beleaguered DC Schools?

I found something interesting while reading the comments of one of the best Washington Nationals blogs out there Captiol Punishment. There is a "proposal" for the Ted Lerner, principal owner of the Nationals, who since the Nats are tanking the season as it is and since attendance has fallen below last years average, to donate every dollar from ticket sales above last year's average attendance mark to the DC Public School System. Here's the idea:

Last year the Washington Nationals drew an average of 26,582 fans to each game at RFK; this season, without stars like Alfonso Soriano in the house, we may do worse. Although we anticipate staring at a sea of empty seats at RFK this summer, all is not lost. Maybe there’s another way to win this year. To that end, I hereby make the following pledge to Nationals fans and to the people of the Washington area: For the remainder of the 2007 baseball season, the revenue from the first 26,582 tickets sold for each home game belongs to the Nationals. But every dollar from every ticket sold thereafter will be deposited in a trust dedicated to rebuilding and reviving the DC school system.

In other words: As the city builds the Nationals a beautiful new ballpark, the Nationals will give something back by helping to improve the lives of children in DC whose schools are falling apart. It’s a way for you, and for millions of fans across the region, to send a message—in word and deed—to young people and families in the city’s neediest areas: You are not alone.
Interesting huh? No chance this version of the proposal goes through, slight if any chance that any version of this proposal gets accepted by the team, but if the Nat's did surrender a percentage of sales revenue past the 26,582 for help with the school system this would be an fun way to do a couple of things. 1) The Nationals would develop a ton of goodwill with a city that is divided over having to pay for a stadium thus becoming more a part of the community since they haven't done much else for the people of DC than add brisket to the menu at RFK (well ok, a little more); 2) They could fill a very empty stadium a bit more because people would know that instead of lining the pockets of the already rich owners while watching a farce of a Major League team play sub .375 baseball, they too would be giving back to the community. If the team sucks, that is not an incentive to go, giving back to the community while watching a game, might be enough for some. Everyone wins!

I kinda like it...although Kasten probably would rather spend this money towards more player development for "THE PLAN"©®. We shall see where this leads.

Full text of the proposal at

Thursday apparently is random videos of horrific violence day...

If you saw our first post today, you'll know what I am talking about. Well here's another. Here is a best of compilation of the worst of violent kicks, sucker punches, and fights in soccer caught on video...all set to the song "Kung-Fu Fighting" by Carl Douglas. I haven't seen this many broken bones since LT's Joe Theisman leg breaking incident was repeatedly replayed. This is so violent I half expected a curb stomp to somehow take place around the 2 minute mark. The music, however, makes the glorious violence so tolerable.

You Should Probably Stop Eating

Bitch. I would have taken that like a man.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Ronaldo's Escort Service

The Premiership season may be over but that doesn't mean the Deuce stops bringing you news from the world of football that you crave like Pookie craves the pipe. The Deuce is happy to oblige. You may be sorry.

Strangé! Strangé!

You go, Ronny! You just won the Premiership. There's nothing for you to do now but sashay!

68,000 screaming fans are waiting for you and the rest of the team to claim your medals and trophy but you have to wait because someone decides their hair isn't perfect.

Cristiano Ronaldo held up celebrations at Old Trafford last Sunday because he needed time to fix his hair.

An Old Trafford source said: “Ronny was more concerned with the state of his hair.

“He was in front of the mirror, as usual, taking an age to slick back his hair.

“Some of the backroom lads joked they’d have to come back on Monday to collect their medals!”
Well after all, preening yourself before you walk out in the rain after a match is really going to make a difference. Maybe he had to make some other adjustments like...I don't know...a tennis ball or something.

Punks Jump Up To Get Beat Down

The saga of Joey Barton just keeps getting better. He should have learned from Ronnie Biggs, gone to Brazil and impregnated some lucky lady instead of going to the Algarve and returning to England.

Barton was arrested and released on bail for his training pitch attack on Manchester City teammate Ousmane Dabo.

This isn't Joey's first run-in with the law. In case you're unfamiliar with Joey's past, we ran down the rap sheet a couple weeks ago.

If he ends up going to prison, maybe he can share a cell with his friendly brother, Michael.

Wazza Wazza Wazza

Why three times? Because Wayne Rooney's attending three weddings in one day. He may not be scoring for his country but he knows how to score free buffets and open bars.

Steven Gerrard, Michael Carrick and Gary Neville are getting married on the same day. Most people would pick one and send their regrets to the other two but not Mr. Rooney. Three weddings. So many mothers. So many cougars. Rawr!

Oh yeah, Stevie G's throwing a
£500,000 wedding and he's serving up fish and chips, mashed potatoes, curry, trifle and bacon sarnies to be made available. What the fuck are trifle and bacon sarnies? Well bacon's involved so it can't be that bad. It's great when the WAGs (Wives and Girlfriends) get involved.
“Alex (Stevie's fiancee) has even stipulated the chips are to be ‘fat chips and not fries’. It must be a taste thing.”
You're practically royalty, sweet tits.

Hulk No Like Relegation Or No Pay

Wow. This has been a bitchy roundup. I'm not sure why but let's try to move on and close out strong like Alfonso Alfonseca (Dominican for base hit). Umm, never mind.

This Carlos Tevez situation has taken on a life of its own. Wigan, Charlton, Fulham and Sheffield United appeared to be slowing down in their quest to sue the Premier League over West Ham's acquisition of Carlos Tevez and their subsequent survival at their expense. Of course, one can say that even if Tevez was used illegally Charlton, Wigan and Sheffield United didn't do what they had to do.

Since the last weekend of the season (three days ago), Sepp Blatter and FIFA have gotten involved and promised an investigation of why West Ham didn't have points deducted from their total after being found guilty of breaking Premiership rules. Ah Sepp, the George Mitchell of football. Bringing honor and integrity back to the game. Why don't they put Don King on the case while they're at it?

Now the Guardian reports that West Ham stands to profit millions when Tevez is sold due to paperwork shenanigans.
...The only document relating to West Ham that remains legally enforceable from the complicated sheaf of paperwork that dictated the terms of Tevez's arrival in London last August is his playing contract. That means he is West Ham's player and that the club alone would be due any fee from his sale.

The offshore companies are understood to retain commercial contracts with the Argentinian player. These would permit the companies to sue for damages in a commercial court if West Ham refused to pay them a consideration for any transfer fee they received - and with Real Madrid linked with a £30m bid for Tevez, that could be considerable.

Such contracts between the player and third-party companies are perfectly legal under the Premier League rule U18 that led to £3m of the £5.5m fines imposed on West Ham last month. This is because the rule governs the conduct of clubs, not of players.

In any case, third-party contracts governing players' image rights and so-called "escape clauses" allowing certain bids to trigger a player's release are commonplace in the Premiership. Beyond national borders, the involvement of third-party companies in player ownership is widespread.
If the relegated teams are mad about the loss of Premiership tv money, they'll be livid if this plays out and West Ham pockets a huge chunk of a possible £30m.

This is a debacle and it's not surprising that the Premier League dropped the ball. If the third party contract was illegal, West Ham should have been docked points for every game Tevez played. How does a fine rectify the situation? They still benefit from his contributions as could be seen on Sunday when his goal saved them from relegation. Their win against Manchester United condemned another team to Championship football and the loss of tv money after the balloon payment.

The Premier League abdicated their duty to do the right thing. It's not surprising considering how cowardly and inept the FA is when it comes to footballing matters.

Whoop Whoop That's The Sound Of The Police

The sound of the beast was Jose Mourinho's Yorkshire Terrier biting some bobby's ankles. Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho was arrested last night after he prevented police from taking his dog.

Mourinho's wife Tami called him home from the Chelsea Player of the Year awards ceremony. When he got home, he "refused to let police take the dog and got into an argument with officers". He was arrested and released with a caution for obstructing police.

"Officer were concerned the dog had been taken abroad, then back to Britain, without the required jabs."

Finally the police felt the fury that Graham Poll and fourth officials have experienced ever since Jose came to the Premiership. Only if they could have him arrested...

From Bog TV- Polo Invades VA

I haven't seen this many rich white people together outside in a grass field since Phish last came to town. It is, however, quite an interesting cross-section of people interviewed by Dan Steinberg for this Polo event in Virginia. You've got the host/producer of America's Most Wanted, John Walsh, you've got a member of Journey, you've got Al Saunders, the Redskins offensive coordinator and the head of the Ritz Carlton hotels, Simon Cooper all talking up how great a sport POLO is. It must be thrilling if this live by the edge, EXTREME group of older gentlemen think its the most exciting sport this side of Xtreme Baseball!

I personally think the highlight of the video is the US polo alternate, Joe Muldoon, who looks like he should be closing some gigantic merger tomorrow or something. That or Steinberg's laugh at about 2:25 to 2:40. We love ya Dan!

Thanks to Littlefield at The Dude Abides for the link

Fear The Turtle Of Illiteracy

Things are amiss in Garyland. The men's basketball team has a weakness for academic failure like Pacman does for strip clubs.

The Baltimore Sun reports that Maryland is in danger of losing two scholarships if its Academic Progess Rate doesn't improve next season. Two out of six seniors are not graduating on time and "if one or both of those players don't graduate by the end of the summer, and the team's four-year average is again under the 925 cut score, the program could lose 10 percent of the total allotment of 13 scholarships". The Terps currently have a three-year average of 908.

While this isn't a Cincinnati/Huggy Bear-type situation, this is a matter of some concern as Maryland men's basketball academics have been dicey for quite some time.

The APR is a formula developed by the NCAA to provide a real-time gauge of how many athletes are staying in school, staying eligible and graduating. The best score is 1,000.

Nationally, teams from historically black schools and colleges affected by Hurricane Katrina did not fare well. About 13 percent of the schools that received warning letters or could lose scholarships were predominantly black colleges and universities.

As long as teams are above 900 and do not lose an ineligible student from the university, they will not lose scholarships. If teams fall below 900, they will receive a letter of "public notice."

If teams fall below 900 a second straight year, it could lead to scholarship losses and reductions in practice and playing time. Third-year penalties would restrict postseason competition, and four straight years of poor academic performance would result in restricted Division I membership for the entire athletic department.

Teams can earn bonus points if an athlete returns to school to complete his degree, and Goff said Maryland expects at least one former athlete to do that.
It seems a bit cruel to penalize schools affected by Hurrican Katrina. The only other men's basketball teams in the ACC that need improvement are Virginia and Clemson. Rage, what's up with your boys? Ralph Sampson and Mustapha Farrakhan must be furious.

Good to see Maryland is keeping track of their former players even though it's a backdoor way to get their APR up. Maybe more players will be inspired by Pacman going back to WVU to get his degree in Astrophysics. I'm looking at you, Stevie Franchise.

This Time It Counts

Move over, David Falk. There's a new bred of prey coming over the horizon. It goes by the name of Scott Boras. Mr. Tony should focus his disgust on Boras for attempting to further ruin America's former pastime.

Boras has appointed himself to a one-man blue ribbon commission to save the game of baseball. He reported his findings in a letter to MLB Commissioner Bud Selig. The letter was delivered by client Rick Ankiel but it didn't get to Selig when expected as Ankiel delivered the letter two blocks away. Just a bit outside if you will.

Among his brilliant recommendations, Boras suggested making the World Series a best-of-nine series and playing the first two games over a weekend at a neutral site "to create an atmosphere similar to a Super Bowl". He didn't stop there. MLB should also use that weekend to hand out annual awards at an Oscar-like show.

"We have to have the stars of our game noticed," said Boras, who has sent a letter to commissioner Bud Selig about his idea. "To deliver the awards through a wire service, I've never understood that."

The Super Bowl is played at a predetermined neutral site and has become a magnet for business entertaining. "The key to this is the business dynamic," said Boras, 54. "We need to embrace corporate America."
Boras has a point. If there's one entity that professional sports has left out in the rain like a freezing, homeless child, it's corporate America. There, there. There, there. Why don't you come inside, dry off and we'll make you a hot cup of soup. Hey what's the knife about? For the love of chicken gravy, why are you stabbing me??

There's nothing America wants more than to hear players mumble their thanks into a mike or listen to some blowhard like Curt Schilling wax poetic about bloody ankles, Barry Bonds or how it's American to put Gold Bond on your balls during the summer. Then again I'd tune in to see Lastings Milledge read his lines off a teleprompter and invite everyone to be his friend on MySpace. Maybe Will the Thrill and Boogaloo Shrimp or Zack Attack could enthrall us between presentations. It's a nice idea.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Tom Brady Swears When Golfing

There have been many dorky photos of Tom in his sweater/shirt outfit playing at the Pebble Beach open this past February, but some enterprising Youtuber caught Brady swearing on live television after making par, while walking away looking like someone shoved a golf club up his ass. The more you hear about him ladies, the more chinks in the armor appear...maybe if Giselle pays enough attention to us bloggers we can have a chance at HER! Ok, maybe not...(GOD it is worth it to click & see it full size)

Thanks to
Uber's Top 10 F-bomb videos for the link

Manute Bol: Where Are You Now?

Well on May 14th he apparently was standing at the security line of Oakland airport like most other people trying to flee Oakland as quick as they humanly can. I'm glad Manute sill has some cash left for a fly suit after giving away most his NBA riches to Sudanese refugees, that makes me feel good. Its also interesting to see that Mr. Bol travels light. He's got not a single carry-on bag there. Its a wonder good ole Abe Polin of the Wizards doesn't have him under his employ still? He has some other really tall guy working for him, why not two? Who was that guy again? Ah, i dunno. Anyway, I wonder who Manute's flight crew is?Thanks to Weapon Shaped forums for this find. Manute Bol photo by BillyB No3

New From The Eastern Bloc!!

Ladder Racing...

The Deuce has brought you Xtreme Baseball, Dwarf Tossing, Beer Pong, Rock Paper Scissors, The Idiotarod, IFL vs UFL and now we bring you LADDER RACING.

I like two things about this video thats been going around the interwebs for a bit. One, that starter pistol doesn't sound like a starter pistol at all. Sounds like a damn AK-47 was just shot. It looks and sounds more like they're running away from a firing squad. I wonder if the losers actually gets gunned down by that thing. For all we know, these could be prisoners of the GULAG running for their freedom. I'd want to win as well.

Two, the "announcer" of the event has positively the most monotone, robotic voice I have ever heard. It's just like I would expect some Soviet nuclear submarine commander would sound like over the ship's loudspeaker when he was slowly barking out instructions on our bearing and depth. Its a wonder the crowd is even slightly enthused with that guy MC'ing the affair. I wonder if the actual translation is something like "You will climb this ladder...or you will die. Climb or die. It is your choice. Only one will live." Chilling really...

Headline Of The Month

I feel a little like Jay Leno with this but, whatever, this headline is worth it:

Read all about tasting some Colon from here

Monday, May 14, 2007

Jazz Hates Black People

It's always tragic when a child turns his or her back on a parent or when the student becomes the teacher and stabs the teacher in the back. First jazz moves from New Orleans to Utah and now its fans are being accused of racially insulting black players.

Stephen Jackson and Jason Richardson alleged that Jazz fans yelled racial insults at them during their Game 2 loss to the Jazz in Salt Lake City. KUTV in Salt Lake City reported on the story and got reactions from Jazz fans. Most vehemently denied that it could have happened with the overwhelming opinion being that Jazz fans aren't racist and the Warriors were just mad that they were down in the series.

"I like Bryant Gumbel and that nice negro boy from Whose Line Is It Anyway."

Now we don't know what happened because we weren't there but how can one state that nothing happened if one wasn't witness to said incident? Then again we shouldn't be surprised to hear Jazz fans claim they aren't racist. They've enough bad publicity as it is. First the Mormons use Mitt Romney to pick a fight with Rev. Al Sharpton and then white golf balls attack Real Salt Lake ex-wunderkid Freddy Adu on the gold course.

Where are you when we need you, Rodney King?

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Don't Go Breaking My Heart

All hail the Incredible Hulk. Savior of West Pork.

Relegation weekend. It's probably the greatest weekend in the Premiership next to the one where your team wins the league. If you're not a Manchester United, Chelsea or Arsenal fan, you have no idea what we're talking about unless you're a fan of a team that narrowly escapes relegation.

That's right, Liverfool. You've never seen Gerrard win the league.

Irony of ironies. West Ham celebrates safety at Old Trafford on the same day and at the same place where United lifts the Premiership trophy. Both teams jubilant and on opposite ends of the table. Promotion and relegation are part of what makes football the beautiful game.

Let's bid a fond farewell to Charlton, Sheffield United and Watford. We hardly know ye. We're sure former director and chairman of Watford Elton John is rewriting Candle in the Wind for Aidy Boothroyd.


Fat Freddy probably should have taken up the theiving Scousers on that Michael Owen offer.

Michael Bolton Hates Your Freedom

This clip is about a year old but it's new to us.

Thanks to Maniac World and Fark for the video.