Saturday, July 28, 2007

Well So Much For That

Woof woof muthafuckas. It was nice knowing you, Ookie. Michael Vick's co-defendant Tony Taylor decided to flip and accept a plea offer from prosecutors. Of course, this means he has agreed to spill everything he knows about the dog-fighting operation which will include Vick's involvement.

Prosecutors claim Taylor, 34, found the Surry County property purchased by Vick and used it as the site of "Bad Newz Kennels," a dogfighting enterprise. The Hampton man also allegedly helped purchase pit bulls and killed at least two dogs that fared poorly in test fights.
Ron better hope that his herp-herp keeps his fellow prisoners off that ass. Hope he's still working out cause he's going to need those evasive skills if he drops the soap.

Celtics Waive Shuttlesworth Jesus

Apparently Boston Celtics guard Allen Ray didn't have game. We assume the Celtics released Ray to make way for guard Ray Allen. Ray's father Jake was unavailable for comment as he was being returned to prison to finish his prison sentence.

Fuck Allen Ray's game if it ain't sayin' nuthin'.

Friday, July 27, 2007

How Not To Jump Off The Diving Board

Who knew there was a weight limit on these things...Christ this had to hurt.

The Constitutional Vol. 13

Long time and no links, we are again. Still writing on Epic Carnival, did a minor guest spot on With-Malice, life is good. Welcome to the Constitutional.

Comcast Is The Anti-Christ

They finally did it. They took the NFL Network away from me. I was the proud owner of 1 Comcast Cable digital box with the digital plus service with HD...but no more. The reason why I got the digital plus was because it contained the Holy Grail of cable systems...the NFL Network. The problem is no longer there. I received no message telling me I was losing this channel, no notice at all, it was stolen away from me in the dead of night, like the Colts leaving Baltimore all over again. Those sons of bitches!

Now, if i wish to enjoy to enjoy my NFL Network, I must subscribe to Comcast's Sports and Entertainment Package. Comcast explains the change in this way:

Now Comcast customers who are NFL fans can watch the NFL Network on the Comcast Sports Entertainment Package while customers who do not wish to watch NFL games will not incur additional costs.
Excuse me? WHO THE FUCK DOES NOT WANT TO WATCH NFL GAMES? Its the most popular sport in the US!

Basically, they're attempting to strong arm the NFL who was insisting that Comcast stick this channel on their basic or non-premium plans while still forcing Comcast to pay more money for the channel. Comcast saw their bluff, and just stuck it where they wanted. Who loses? ME.

This Chimpanzee is raging. Since both of these fuckwads are screwing me over, I'm through. Comcast will lose money from me because i'm going to ratchet down my service to the most basic of cable, since the only reason I had this plan with hundreds of channels was because the NFL Network was on it. Comcast & the NFL will lose because I am not paying extra for their channel when I already was paying extra for their channel by getting the Digital Plus plan. I'm not going to pay extra, extra for a bunch of random sports channels I don't want.

Fuck you Comcast for making me lose one of the few channels I actually did watch...and fuck you Time Warner for Mustafa not even being given this choice by you guys not even putting the network on your cable system.

Comcast image from
Screaming image from Ownedbyjason

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Sex With A Gator Drink??

As us bloggers are apt to do, I just went through the keyword analysis of the searches that brought people to my page. I know the Deuce has some weird stories, so this made for an interesting excursion through our readers' minds. Here's some of the more interesting ones I found:

"there's some hoes in this house"
"the deuce 2 dog sporting box"
"england manager fired for pooping in a cup"
"favourite didn't know"
"gangster snooker"

And of course, my favorite: "Sex with a Gator drink". What the fuck does this even mean? Its awesome, it should be the name of a Deuce spinoff blog. I need to make a t-shirt of this I think. This is now the reply I will give someone when I do not know the answer to any question. Question: "What is the theory of relativity?" Answer: "Sex with a Gator drink." I must find the reason for this phrase, it might be the greatest blog post ever.

Update! I found it, its from the Drinks That Should Be Named After Athletes post. was a drink called Sex With A Gator. I see now...nevertheless...its still pretty fantastic. My new favorite has to be "there's some hoes up in this house" now. Just classic.

New Office Sport: Faceball

If you're like me, and I know you are, you are bored most of the 8-12 hours of the day when you're supposed to be working. Instead of filling that time with web browsing and talking on the phone, why not, instead, participate in FACEBALL! As they say on the site, your loins will be damp with excitement. The sport (or game) consists of 2 players, 2 day-glo beach balls, and 2 faces. Whomever hits their opponent's face the most wins. This is some serious boredom here, I only hope this was some sorta film project they were doing. Nevertheless, for full instructions, watch the movie below, and you should watch, its mildly entertaining.

An introduction to Faceball from Face Ball and Vimeo.

From via my brother via checksum crusader

Whoop Whoop That's The Sound Of The Beast

Woof woof muthafucka. You know the times are ill when Roger Goodell is putting in more work than the attorney general. Well I'm assuming that Goodell hasn't bum rushed Arthur Blank in bed like John Ashcroft. "Don't sentence the boy. I will..."

The Washington Post reported that Commish Goodell appointed a former U.S. Deputy Attorney General's Uncle's Cousin's Brother's Undersecretary's Roommate Eric Holder to investigate Falcons QB Michael Vick for beating down dogs. Somewhere in Charlotte David Carr is asking why an investigation wasn't opened on the suspects who beat him down like a pitbull for the past five years.

What does Goodell think he will find out? It isn't enough to wait for the resolution of the case against Vick? What's Holder going to find out that current federal prosecutors won't? Maybe he'll start calling Holder E.H. and making him show up for meetings in a helicopter. Maybe the two of them will conduct their own investigation along with Gene Upshaw playing the role of Rick because the federal prosecution is taking too long.

Hopefully Goodell will bring his evidence to VA and scream that the prosecutors aren't doing enough and that he'll take the case into his own hands if they don't move faster.

Maybe he'll even lobby Congress to become judge, jury and executioner for any player currently in the NFL. Imagine that, no longer will a NFL player be subject to normal judicial process, all trials and punishments will be handled before and by the Commissioner. Player gets arrested, sent to Goodell's special NFL holding cells, he will determine guilt or innocence and then hand out the punishment based on his verdict. That way NFL players will no longer clog our legal system and he can take into account the best interests of the league. This would put the fear of GOD into the players, what player would want to be sentenced to jail by their own league's Commissoner? There'd be no way a good lawyer could get them out of trouble, he just wouldn't care. I think this needs to happen.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Headline Of The Day

Courtesy of the Times of London:

Dong ready to rise in the East

"An unproven teenager, he was, like cheap manufactured goods, being shipped to Europe for an indefinite period in storage."

No comment necessary.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Radio Call of Line Drive That Killed 1st Base Coach

This is the audio of the radio broadcast the night when Tulsa Drillers first base coach Mike Coolbaugh was struck in the head with a ball and killed. Not very long or graphic, just the shock of the hit and then the concern in their voice while still trying to keep it light for listeners. Our hearts go out to Coolbaugh's family. Have a listen

Via Daily Motion

Packers Fans: The Most Dedicated In The Land

Scott Scherer, 39, and Melanie Hardrath, 30, admitted to having locked Hardrath's 7 year old son in his room with a loaf of bread, peanut butter and jelly, and a bucket to use as a toilet that he would have to clean when they returned from watching the Green Bay Packers at the Potawatomi Bingo Casino. From Yahoo News:

They had enough money to hire a baby sitter, said Assistant District Attorney Chris Liege, who showed the judge photographs of the couple's extensive collection of Packers memorabilia.

This is all pretty sick...I think the sickest thing about it is that Hardrath only has to serve seven months in a county jail and Scherer just has to serve nine months, both get four years of probation with a stayed sentence of two years in prison...oh and more extended supervision.

How does she get to keep the kid? Jesus, she made her kid make his own fucking sandwiches!!!

Link from Yahoo AP News

Russian Hotties Run Race In Heels

The Russians know what makes for a good race and this one is MUCH better than Ladder Racing. Here you take a hundred hot women, put them in high heels (at least 3.5 inches high) and make them run. The winner took home a cool 50,000 Roubles (about $2,000). Enjoy the photos.
All photos from Reuters & Xinhua

Monday, July 23, 2007

Gainful Employment Needed: Will Provide Adequate Backup

How is this man out of a job? Jason Cole of Yahoo Sports is wondering the same thing:

[Aaron]Brooks has been on the mend since suffering a stomach injury last season with the Oakland Raiders. He had a workout with the Washington Redskins a month ago, according to his agent, but has gotten little interest. That's odd for a quarterback of his physical talent. If healthy, Brooks would be one of the top backups in the league.

I'm just trying to wrap my head around the fact that Vinnie Testaverde can get a job as a backup on a team with serious super bowl possibilites, but Aaron Brooks cannot even get a job on the Lions or Browns or Cardinals. He is not a great Qb by any means, but a career QB Rating of 78.5%, a 6 year starting quarterback in the NFL, is a threat to run at any time, and has had just two truly bad seasons as a starting quarterback...unfortnately for Aaron, those were his last two seasons. But, look at his stats and tell me you don't see a quarterback that can be a great backup in the league, especially compared to some of the stiffs currently occupying that role for some teams (Gus Frerotte is the backup for Bulger and the Rams...are you kidding me??). Someone is going to get a steal of a backup with Aaron Brooks...and I'm not saying that because he went to my alma mater.

Blog Show XVI

The Deuce has made it back onto television! We made an appearance for posting of the Borat video & photo we found out there on the web. Watch and enjoy Jaime and Dan really starting to look quite comfortable on the television. Good stuff, thanks for the hookup gentlemen.