Saturday, June 23, 2007

Run! Inspector 52 Will Stab You

In the spirit of bringing you great local commercials, the Deuce brings you more Eastern Motors. I thought I was up to date on all my Eastern Motors commercials until I saw these two featuring Ray Lewis.

He really needs to sing the Eastern Motors song backed up by DJ Kool and surrounded by a bunch of dancing knives cutting prices. Nothing increases productivity like stabbin'.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Deion Sanders Cannot Sing

Drivers Select is vying to top Eastern Motors on the local commercial entertainment front. I have no idea what is going on in this commercial except Deion is singing like a wounded quayle and Jerry Stackhouse, Devin Harris and Jason Terry are not dancing well at all. In other words...its brilliant. Must be the credit.

Found at the EbSports Forum

Ghost Ridin' Tha Whip

This video's been around for a bit, but as a true sign of how old I am, I have never heard of Ghost Ridin' until now. Nevertheless, it made be laugh to watch the fool in the 2nd clip run himself over. Just dumb...

From EBSports Forums

The Constitutional Vol. 5

Eat your spinach. Welcome to the Constitutional.

  • News that the Orioles suck has gone international. The Guardian-UK

  • Rob Marinelli wrestled a bear in high school, right? Who knew that the Bear was the real star? 100% Injury rate

  • Australians again proving themselves to be insane. The Parlayer

  • The Nationals might actually have a real player in their minors. Washington Post

  • Breaux Greer is your hero and you never heard of him until now. Our Book of Scrap

  • Athlete's secrets as told by their Valet. Pyle of List

Kimbo Goes Mainstream

No longer satisfied with beatin the asses of fools who dare to challenge him to a fight in someone's ill-kept backyard, Kimbo Slice is hittin the big time. Kimbo is fighting in Cage Fury Fighting 5 in Atlantic City this Saturday, and if I didn't have a work event I would so be there.

Kimbo Slice is taking on former world heavyweight champion "Merciless" Ray Mercer in what is building to be, at least in my mind, one of the greatest MMA battles ever. I mean, neither one of these brawlers know any sort of martial art. One is a former highly skilled boxer and the other is a street fighter with no actual training whatsoever. This fight should be a classic, and one of the Deuce's readers must give us a tape or youtube or something of this(mail AT deuceofdavenport DOT com)and put 20 bucks down on 27 on the routlette wheel.

An intrepid writer for the Boston Globe actually sought out Kimbo for an interview and its freakin' classic with lines like this:

"With a [expletive] like me that comes from the streets, I know wassup. I'm not a top [expletive] that's gonna be running my mouth. I bought the streets like that cause that's how a lot of [expletive] eat.
Kimbo's career underground fighting record is 7-1 and the gamblers are betting on Mercer to win by KO, but I'm rootin for Kimbo. Here's some Kimbo in his prime. Fuck yea.

Dont Tread on Me

What would you call a person who in their freshman season of college, tore up their knee in a tournament requiring major surgery, in their sophmore season, got hit by a car and needed another trip to the hospital, a week later put their hand through a window in their home...their home which later that year burned to the ground their junior year, this person barely escaping, and as if all that weren't enough, in their senior season on a trip to Mexico, got stung twice by a scorpion in their hotel? Unlucky? Tainted? Just Fucked? No, apparently you call her "Danger" least thats what her friends call her, yes and I said her.

Not quite the level of Rulon Gardner yet but Santa Clara volleyball star Kim McGiven is vying to be the female version of the Olympic least in terms of bad luck. The three-time first-team All-WCC and current WCC's Female Scholar Athlete of the Year is going pro and is playing in Spain next season...the Deuce hopes she makes it there and back alive.

I've had bad weeks before, I've even had a few pretty depressinly unlucky months, but to have a stretch where you needed major knee surgery, get hit by a car, put your hand through plate glass, have your house burn down, then, as the cherry on top, get stung twice by scorpions has got to be classified as...a bad bad stretch of luck. If I am Kim, and I am most certainly not, I am headed to Vegas and playing some craps. You gotta figure she is due for one of those hour long sessions of throwing the dice and not crapping out.

Still the scorpion stinging did remind me of possibly the greatest episode of SeaLab 2021 ever. I implore you to watch and brighten up your morning.

Story Source: San Francisco Gate

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Man Kicks Horse

Jockey Victor Molina is hoping for the best in his disciplinary hearing to be held on Friday after getting upset at the horse he was riding and kicking it in the gut. Yes, two-year-old colt Yes Yes Ohyes was attacked by the jockey on Monday at Philadelphia Park after the horse reared up in the starting gate, its head hitting Molina right in the chest, stunning, then angering him. After that, he got off the horse, took off the saddle...and swiftly kicked Yes Yes Ohyes in the belly. The Boston Herald has recounted this entire story and got these quotes from the jockey:

"I'm not the kind of person that people are making me out to be," Molina said today.
"The threat of knowing the horse could hurt you, if anything, got me upset," he said. "The idea that I could have got hurt, I just got mad at him. Maybe that's why I kicked him."
The article says that Molina has been a jockey at Philadelphia Park since 1988 and is normally quite kind to animals. Also, the racing director Al Sinatra ejected Molina from the park and suspended him indefinitely.

In hockey you can get 40 games to a season long ban for viciously attacking a player but in football you can step on a man's face and get a 5 game suspension in a 16 game year. What would all those Barbaro horse fanatics think of this guy, let alone the PETA people who are up in arms with the animal cruelty going on at the VA Michael Vick compound? They might want to burn him at the freakin stake! Maybe we should just go ahead and replace these jockeys with robots or something!

We couldn't find a video of this kick, even though it was caught by the simulcast cameras, but at least we did find this

Horse kick - MyVideo

This is How Nike Advertises in Asia

This video below shows how Nike loves to help spread the NBA empire around the world...selling millions of pairs of shoes in the meantime. Although if they are trying to sell shoes, i'm not sure why Nike didn't show the shoes in these ads. Maybe its because most the people who are watching this ad are doing so in the 2 hours of free time they have in between sleep and slaving away in some sweatshop. There is plenty of animated Garnett, Duncan, and J-Will to show why they are making the shoes and why they should buy them. I must say, that is some catchy hip hop they've created.

All in all, it kinda looks like a bad Saturday morning cartoon called like "Rappin' NBA Baller Superheroes!" or something. Maybe this isn't even an advertisement but a propaganda video shown inside their sweatshops motivating their employees to make shoes for these rapping superheroes.

From EBSnet forums

The Constitutional Vol. 4

No news is good news with Gary Gnu. Welcome to the Constitutional.

Update: Cannot forget about the newest episode of the always great Bog TV - Jason Campbell is Country. Thanks to the Dude!

Street Race in SoCal and Your Dreams Get Crushed

If you get caught doing illegal street racing in Southern California your car will get wrecked, not due to your own crap-ass driving ability, but because of a new get tough way to prosecute illegal street racers. People who get caught racing in Socal get their cars compacted (ie: crushed, destroyed, turned to coke cans) and you have to watch it happen.

Charles Hoang and Daniel Maldonado found this out the hard way after they got caught racing, prosecuted and later made to watch their cars get smashed.

"That's my heart, my dream," said a visibly upset Hoang, 18, of Chino, who was surrounded by friends as his 1998 Acura Integra was put into a compactor. "That's my girlfriend, the love of my life. The cops can crush my car, but they can't crush my memories."
Now, I don't want to say that having a 98 Integra as a girlfriend and dream is a bad thing, but come the fuck on!! Get a fucking life. You don't live in 2 Fast 2 Furious land. Racing your rice burners across the streets, occasionally killing people and yourselves, is not a "fun" thing to do when you're bored with the suburbs. We all know the suburbs suck! Fucking do drugs like everyone else! Spending all the money you make from being a sandwich artist at Subway on a new spoiler that doesn't fit or a new muffler that makes your car RAWK is not a good use of your cash. Do a little drugs and you could possibly be the next Jimi, wait he's dead, the next Kurt, wait...dead too, the next...well you get the picture, there's better things you could be doing! You will not have some hot babe on the hood of your car after you cross the finish line like in the movies. You will most likely have a "hottie" like this waiting for you

Yea, thats what we all want. Fat girl puking. Hell yea. Anyway, the point of this story is, occasionally law enforcement does do some good...and this is one of them. Crush those annoying pieces of shit and make them watch it...just so long as I don't have to see another Fast & The Furious movie while on a Chinatown bus to New York. Most trends need to die quick, this one is long past it's shelf life.

Car Crushing Article Here - San Francisco Gate

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Japanese Like Watching Fish Fry

I think the Japanese can make anything cool...even tuna throwing. What, you didnt know it was a sport? It is. Its like shot put...only with big ass tasty fish. I only hope they don't actually eat these after.

Tuna Throwing Competition - video powered by Metacafe

Reggie Theus to Coach Kings

Reggie Theus, former NBA "star" and most recently head coach of New Mexico State, has apparently agreed to become the newest head coach of the Sacramento Kings. The Deuce knew that Reggie had it in him to be a coach of a big time professional basketball team since we first saw him on the coaching circuits. Watch and be prepared to be amazed by his motivational ability to coach up some 5'5 white guys into doing spectacular layups and jump shots.

After watching that, Joe Maloof's words ring true:
“Reggie is a coach who has a tremendous passion and love for the game of basketball," said Kings' co-owner Joe Maloof. "He’s got a terrific work ethic, and I think that, combined with his passion for the game, will help lead us into the future.”
Reggie Theus, new head coach of the mighty Sacramento can he fail?


The Horrors of Technology on Display in The Middle East

Do you, Husna, take Aazad, in richness and in poorness, poorness is underlined, in impotence and in potence, in quiet solitude or blasting across the alkali flats in a camel-powered, robot-navigated...and it goes on like this...

Yes camel racing has entered the 21st century. 100% Injury Rate has found that the sport that once used kids of 4 or 5 years of age to jockey camels to the finish line has replaced them with...robots. Thats right, robots. See?

Not pretty is it? I encourage you to click on their page for Youtubes and the full story on this madness. I'm just a bit jealous we didn't find this bit of obscurity ourselves. The Deuce has been slacking in the odd-sports department lately. Our shame is real. Kudos Injury Rate, job well done.

Link to 100% Injury Rate
1st paragraphed paraphrased from the Simpsons...extra points if you knew that

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

The Constitutional Vol. 3

Been sick as a dog since Friday, so Mustafa has been carrying the load...but i'm feelin a bit better, well enough to bring you a link dump of joy carefully culled from teh interwebs. Welcome to the Constitutional.

  • Mark Cuban does blow...this comes as a HUGE surprise to everyone. How does Stern punish him for this, even if its fake? Our Book of Scrap

  • Frank Thomas drops the F-bomb on some fans. Drunk Jays Fans

  • The guys at KSK present their Guide to American Football for the European nations. Kissing Suzy Kolber

  • This is just the whole thing. Awful Announcing

  • The babe's Rookie Card Playoffs continue into the final round, cast your votes now. Babes Love Baseball

  • Whitlock has moved off the couch and is now on FOX. The Big Lead

  • A hot Brazillian referee is posing for Playboy. Giggity! The Offside

  • Bill Cowher has reportedly talked to the Redskins about coaching - Hogs Haven

Update: Forgot to link a great interview that Deadspin's Will Leitch did with MLB's newest employee Harold Reynolds. Congrats on the new job Harold and the great interview Will. - Deadspin

Oh What A Feeling When We're Dancing On The Ceiling

"Oy! Sing Caribbean Queen!"
"Pipe down, Frankie! It's my wedding! Killer on the Rampage!"
"Eff off, guv! Make 'im sing both!"
"I’ve only got two more songs, please stick with me."
"Fuck off. It's my wedding and you'll sing what I bloody well want you to sing! Carefree wherever I may be, I am the famous CFC and I don't give a fuck wherever I may be (my wedding!). I am the famous CFC!"

Poor Lionel Richie. He gets almost £250,000 to fly over to England to perform at Chelsea and England captain John Terry's wedding and all hell breaks loose. The Sun reports that Richie was mercilessly heckled by wedding guests during his set.

The superstar was stunned when he was heckled by some of the multi-millionaire footballers at the lavish bash.

Lionel admitted afterwards that he thought he had taken a wrong turn and ended up in a local working men’s club rather than a WAG’s wedding.

The crooner was paid almost £250,000 to play at the reception at Blenheim Palace at the special request of bride Toni Poole.

But after his first song he had to ask guests — who included Wayne Rooney...Jamie Carragher and Frank Lampard — to pipe down.
They didn't even wait for him to start his second song "Hello" before they started "chanting back to him as if they were on the football ground terraces" after drinking copious amounts of champagne during the reception.

Terry's wife Toni was close to tears as she thought was would lose out on a wedding picture contract with OK! Magazine when Richie made a mistake and mentioned Hello magazine instead before he started his set.

Wayne Rooney's WAG, Colleen was desperately trying to keep his drinking under control.
A source said: “Coleen put him on a strict drinking ban.

“When the waiters were coming around offering more to drink she kept taking Wayne’s glass from him and saying, ‘He’s had enough’.

“The lads downed glasses of champagne like shots of shorts before the meal.

“She didn’t want the trouble she’s had with him before at big events when he’s had one too many.”
I'm sure Gary Neville and Michael Carrick's wedding was a more somber affair. After all, such affairs are not approved by the Church of England.

Alexi Lalas Has Lost His F**king Mind

It's not clear whether it's the sun or bad chicken and waffles but something has made Alexi Lalas talk more crazy than normal.

"There's no accounting for bad taste," Lalas said in an exclusive interview with the Guardian. "That a segment of the world worships an inferior product in the Premiership is their business. English football now has the haves and the have-nots. It's just that the Premiership have become so skilled in presentation. They took a page out of American football and so now they have Saturday Showdowns and Super Sundays. I love it. This is high-calibre marketing - taking an inferior product and improving it through packaging."

"The experts in England talk about David Beckham as if he's going into semi-retirement. It's insulting to say Beckham is on his way to Hollywood when he's coming to play in one of the most competitive leagues in the world. There are a lot of stars who would struggle here.
Apparently Lalas hasn't watched his own product. Watching MLS games is similar to watching old people fuck. It's a mediocre product with a few highlights and good players who bounce to Europe as soon as they can except for Primadonovan. The Deuce is all about the growth and expansion of American soccer but don't get it twisted, it's still weak compared to the other major leagues around the world.

He does have a point here.
"There's this delusion that if it's English then it's great. But a whole world exists outside of England. That's reflected in the difficulties they had when everyone ran to the Premiership. Maybe it's OK for the fan but, for the average development of the players, their game is struggling."
There is some truth to that but it's not clear whether he understands the context. Either he's a great hype man who's trying to bring attention to the MLS or he's a delusional ex-player like Eric Wynalda. Either way, we can't wait to see how he responds when Beckham realizes he's basically playing in a rec league and his teammates can't put three passes together without giving it up or falling over.

Midnight At The Oasis

Dateline N9ne Steakouse (Palms), Las Vegas - Tom Brady is having dinner with Gisele when he looks up and sees Randy Moss at a table across the way, wearing a bib and throwing down on lobster. He walks over to say hello.

Tom: “Randy! What’s up man? What are you doing out here? Shouldn’t you be studying the playbook? Hahaha!”

Randy says nothing and continues to gulp lobster tails like a crocodile on a baby zebra.

Tom: “Dude, it’s me! Tom. Tom Brady. Your quarterback?”

Randy looks up, says nothing and continues to slurp the lobster tails like a Thai boy on Gary Glitter.

Tom: “Hey it’s really good to see you. We need to do more bonding and get right so when the season starts, we can get off to a good start and Coach won’t beat me stupid like Ted Johnson while yelling ‘Grogan!’ and ‘Eason!’ and slobbering on his sweatshirt. That’s a good idea, right?”

Randy looks up, shrugs, says nothing and starts shoving crab cakes in his mouth two at a time.

Tom: “Awesome. That’s really awesome. Hey … where’d you get the seafood? This is a steakhouse. I didn’t know you could get that here. How’d you get it?”

Randy looks up, points out the window and polishes off the crab cakes and cleans the plate with his tongue like a zamboni.

Tom (waving Gisele to come over): “Hey, I want you to meet my girl. The one I didn’t knock up. Sweet! This is Gisele. Gisele, this is Randy. We’re going to play together this year.”

Gisele: “Hi Randy. I heard a lot about you. I like playing too. Yay cookies!! I want pao de queijo!”

Tom: “Yeah she’s really awesome. Smokin’ too.”

A manager comes over and asks if Tom and Randy will pose for a picture together. After a pause and a sigh, Randy slowly rises and stands next to Tom. Gisele jumps in between them and puts her arms around both of them.

Tom: “Hey man, lemme pick up your meal. It’s the least I can do to welcome you to the team.”

Gisele: “Randy, I hear you like taking your pants off in front of crowds. I do too! We’re going to be super awesome friends in no time!”

As they pose for the picture, Randy puts the calamari down and stealthily moves his hand to Gisele’s ass as a waiter takes their picture. A smile creeps across his face. He really thinks he’s going to like New England.

Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better

You have to hand it to the Cincinnati Bengals. If they showed this much determination on the football field at the end of the season, they might have made something of themselves by now.

Chris Henry: “Yo Quince! Pacman got arrested.”

Quincy Wilson: “Oh word?”

Henry: “Yeah. He also said Bengals are bitches. It takes a whole team to get arrested as much as he has. He said he even got a bunch of outstandings he ain’t even used yet. Said he’ll spot us a couple to make it closer.”

Wilson: “Fuck that noise. Coach Marvin said this is a team game and we win, lose or get arrested as a team. I’m a get arrested today. As a matter of fact, I’m gonna get arrested on Pacman’s home field. I’m gonna stand there like T.O. on the Dallas star. Shit, I may even make them use a taser. He do that yet?”

Henry: “Um…Nah, I don’t think he done that yet.”

Wilson: “Cool. I got a plane to catch. See you on the news, playboy.”

Henry: “Bet. I gotta go see my probation officer. Holla at ya boy, nucka!”

Bengals running back Quincy Wilson was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct after refusing to disperse after a wedding party. He becomes the 10th Bengal arrested in the past 14 months. Ten is also the number of times Pacman has been arrested unless they’ve caught him for the strip club joint this past weekend.

Police wanted to disperse the crowd because some shots had been fired about 30 minutes earlier a block from the bar.
This is turning into a game of horse. Rumor has it that Pacman intends to respond by going old school and combining Charles Barkley, Rae Carruth and Lawrence Phillips. He’ll toss his next victim through the window and into a car trunk. Then he’ll speed off into a crowd like that crackhead in DC a couple weeks ago. Like Mannie Fresh, he’s a brofessional.

Photo courtesy of Mondesi's House.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Wayne Rooney's Cougar

If I wanted to watch shit like this, I could have gone to Sunderland.

I don't know about you but I think Thierry's aging pretty fast and morphing into Russell Simmons.

Welcome back to the soccer/football roundup. It's supposed to be a regular feature on the Deuce but I forgot about my lazy. I'm about as committed to excellence as the Raiders. Instead I promise you the same title so that you'll always recognize it whenever it shows up. Let's kick it off with Wazza.

You Gotta Eat Lightning and Crap Thunder

Alternatively you can eat sky blue and crap red. Ricky Hatton fans who support Manchester City are up in arms over Hatton's plans to have his boy Wayne Rooney carry one of his championship belts into the ring in Vegas when he takes on Jose Luis Castillo.

Some fans with tickets are threatening to boycott the fight if Rooney appears in the ring. It would be one thing if Joey Barton were still around but City fans are showing the smarts that have taken them to the heights of the bottom half of the table. Yeah that's it. I'll buy a plane ticket to Vegas and a ticket to the fight but I'll say eff it if Rooney shows up. I bet the Gallagher brothers are involved in this scheme.

Rio Ferdinand, Wes Brown, Joe Cole, Jamie Carragher, Shawn Wright-Phillips and David Dunn are expected to watch the fight in person. Our money's on Rio making it rain at some point this weekend.

Bobby Zamora Drinks Lead Paint

What other explanation could there be for Zamora pretending a friend was driving his car in order to avoid getting a speeding ticket when camera footage showed he was the one driving? He was arrested and freed on bail on suspicion of perverting the course of justice. Kind of like when Ric Ocasek married Paulina Porizkova. Hey oh! Zing!

Jose Don't Like The Africans So Much

Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho says he's finished signing African players.
"African players are excellent technically and are natural fighters but when you have a lot of them you have to say stop, no more.

"Losing them can kill your team at a crucial time. If someone asks me do I want more African players, I'd say no."
That ain't even right, Jose. Letting a tournament come between you and some Africans.

Why I Cry

Outstanding Achievement In The Field Of Excellence

You are not alone, Reh Dogg. The Oakland Raiders and Jeff Garcia are here with you.

The Oakland Raiders are all about commitment to excellence. So much so that they bitched and moaned about the intensity of their offseason workouts and got the NFLPA to take a break from kicking old players in the head in order to stop their "voluntary" workouts.

Raiders coach Lane Kiffin responded as one might imagine,

"I was notified that the players' union believes our total commitment to improving our football team has resulted in some violations of rules regarding practice standards."
You silly man. Don't you know you coach the Raiders? The only thing resembling commitment on that side of the bay is wherever the word commitment is painted in the stadium and Baron Davis' beard. Is the Raiders job similar to being beaten by a dominatrix who doesn't understand your safety word for 14-16 hours a day?

Why Does It Hurt So Bad?

Jeff Garcia's been watching too much Waiting To Exhale. Why else would he feel so bad?
"I think there was a lot of anger within myself ...Here was finally a situation where I felt so comfortable and I felt like I had a good home and a good place, and I wanted to be able to experience more of that and, hopefully, not have to relocate all over again. That opportunity wasn't presented to me ... I felt personally snubbed."
Let go like Toni Braxton. It ain't worth it.

What? Oh I looked up songs from the Waiting to Exhale soundtrack. It's not like I own it. What are you looking at? Oh fuck you, fine! I own it! You happy now? I'm still a man. Please believe me! You know what? Screw you guys. Where's my International Coffee and "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret"? I'm going to my book club.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

The Finishing Move

Pay attention, students of Brazilian ju-jitsu. Here's that finishing move your teacher won't show you. It's called 'roids, baby.

The Ball. His Groin. It Works On So Many Levels.

Will anything ever go right for the Redskins? Can you remember anything good since Doug Williams? Gus? Vinny? Jeff G?

At least this time, the comedy factor is through the roof. Give LaRon Landry the $10,000! Landry has been unable to participate in Skins minicamp after being shot in the groin with a paintball during a team bonding session last Wednesday.

Some players went bowling and others went to lunch. The defensive players went paintballing. It's unclear who shot Landry but Sean Taylor has not been seen lately and a set of ATV tire tracks were seen leading away from a writhing Landry.

P.S. Speaking of the Skins, scratch your eyes out Cooley-Style thanks to The Fanhouse and Hogs Haven. Here's to 5-11!

An Idea Long Overdue

Through no fault of its own, the MLS may have stumbled on a good idea thanks to the New York Mets. The New York Times reports that the Mets along with several other investors have started talks to obtain the rights to run a MLS team starting in 2010. It is assumed that the unnamed team would play in Queens near the Mets' new stadium.

This is a great idea which means the MLS will probably find a way to mess it up. The MLS has a long history of unfortunate priorities and decisions which have hindered the growth of the league. For too long, the MLS has focused on attracting families as its fan base. This is a self-destructive policy as the league cannot count on most of these fans to stay with the league as the children go and the parents no longer have a reason to attend matches. It's another symptom of the sterilization of American sports. Fair-weather fans are not the long term answer for the fledgling league.

The MLS also has a habit of building or using stadiums in areas often inaccessible to public transportation. Way to cut off thousands of potential fans. I have ruled out going to matches because it's a pain in the ass to travel that far to watch mediocre soccer. They only trick me when they have a doubleheader with an international or European/Latin American club match.

A team in Queens solves these problems. The Times article touches on two reasons. A large immigrant population and easy access by road and public transport.

Several years ago I, along with several other soccer fans, sat down with Alexi Lalas who was NY/NJ (genius idea) Metrostars (now Red Bulls) GM at the time to discuss what the team could do to expand its fan base and make itself more of a presence in the New York area. After the idea of moving the team to Queens was mooted, we pointed out that the Metrostars and other teams needed to market to immigrants as well as people who are already fans of the game. A team in Queens makes it easier to attract these people as well as people who have some interest but aren't willing to travel long distances to see a match. You can't make new fans unless you get them to the matches. I would like to support American soccer but they better not make me work for it.

The Mets ownership would hopefully bring experience in running a sports franchise which is something many teams lack. Of course, baseball acumen doesn't automatically translate to success in soccer but one would hope they would be able to find people who would be able to work some magic across the meadow.

The name of the team is also important. It should say New York or Queens. I would suggest the 7 Train Translators, Pupusas, Steamin' Dumplings, Korma Knockas or Christpunchers.