Saturday, March 15, 2008

Two Tons Of Fun

Usually we're saying watch out for the big girl when we say two tons of fun but Boston pitchers work too. When Schilling comes off the DL, the post-game buffet may start crying.

Friday, March 14, 2008

The Story Of Eric Djemba-Djemba

Just imagine you've signed a deal to play for Manchester United but inside you know that you're no good and don't even deserve to play in the top division let alone at Man U. What would you do? Play it cool and just hang on as long as possible while banking the millions you don't deserve? Not if you're Eric Djemba-Djemba.

Former Man U "player" Djemba-Djemba declared bankruptcy last year but that wasn't the half of it. His agent has revealed that while Djemba-Djemba was earning £75,000 a month at Man U, he was relying on appearance and bonus monies to get by.

[Agent Christopher] Mongay said: "Eric is on a different planet. He simply has no notion of money. At one point, he had 30 different bank accounts. He was juggling between credits.

"There was a time when he owned 10 4x4-drive cars — 10! I kept telling him all the time to watch out. When he arrived at Manchester United, I decided to take over the running of his accounts. It used to take me four hours a day! At United he was earning about £75,000 basic per month. But every penny was going straight to loan repayments. He was having to live on bonuses and extras. He started to ask United for advances and, at a club like that, something like that doesn't go down well."
I mean, eight 4x4's would seem appropriate but 10? After failing miserably at United, he moved on to Aston Villa where he also failed miserably. In his bankruptcy hearing, it was claimed that he even owed money to the Aston Villa club shop. Hey Djemba, don't tell 'em you're Jewish!

Now Djemba-Djemba's earning a measly £15,000 a month playing in Qatar. Let this story be a lesson to you profligate athletes out there. Even if you blow your load on multiple homes and posses like MC Hammer, you can still make it so go ahead and spend spend spend.

We'll leave you with a quote from Djemba-Djemba's coach at Nantes talking about something he said that would come back to haunt him. "'I don't understand this. In France, I see money coming out of the walls'. He was talking about cash machines."

It's All Halal, Baby

Are you ready for some baseball Pakistan-style? The 16th National Baseball Championship kicked off in Pakistan in early March. Who the hell knew the Pakistanis know how to handle two kinds of bats?

Information on the league has been hard to come by or I'm just lazy. I'd go with the latter.

** The picture is actually of a game in Afghanistan. It's the best I could do. They're next to each other and terrorists go in and out of each like Eliot Spitzer ... eh forget it.

I Gotta Say It Wasn't A Good Day

"Aw yeah, it's hump day! Time to get paid, blow up like the World Trade! I'm gonna head out to the club, get my pisco on and tear up the pan flute!"

"Oh yeah, my brother plays that in some place in New York called Union Square. He says many people come to see him play with his friends. He says he is infamous which is more than famous."

"Everybody be cool! This is a robbery!"

"Any one of you fuckin' pricks move and I'll execute every last one of you motherfuckers! Got that?"

It sucked to be a player on Peruvian soccer club Cienciano on Wednesday. The players were robbed as they lined up for their wages. Guess Peru hasn't discovered direct deposit yet.

"At the moment that the players were receiving their wages, four men entered and surrounded the cashier," said Cusco police official Juan Auccahuaqui.

"It seems that the criminals were from Lima," he said. "They were well-dressed, it seems the operation had been planned. The place does not have security, anyone can come and go as they please."
The robbers were well-dressed so they must have been from Lima? What do they wear in Cusco? Burlap sacks? Llama skins? Remind me not to have anyone from Cusco plan my next event since only people from Lima plan for anything.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Baseball Players Love To Adjust Wangs

Let the 2008 "Chien-Ming Wang Double Entendre News Captionfest" start now! Adjustments always work wonders for my wang.


Newsday has an interesting post that's pretty relative with the Elliot Spitzer sex scandal all over the news. Its a Top 6 Sports Sex Scandals list. Somehow Mark Chmura wasn't included though...

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The Seven Deadly Sins Of Sport

Since Pope Benedict XVI has decided to come up with seven new sins out of freakin thin air, I think its only fair that someone should come up with a set of Seven Deadly Sins specifically geared towards the world of sport. Here goes nothin' and may God have mercy on my soul:

1) Thou shall not get caught using performance enhancing drugs.
- See, its ok to use them, its ok to give them to your teammates, its ok to shoot them in other's rear ends, its even ok that you sell them and supplement your already hefty income that was unjustly given to you because you aren't naturally that good...just do not get caught doing any of it. Its the ultimate don't ask, don't tell, don't get caught. Don't get caught, and you're a hero like Albert Pujols, not sayin' just sayin. Get caught and you're vilified...unless you're Shawne Merriman.

2) Thou shall not get caught cheating
- Ok, so everyone cheats in sport. To paraphrase the famous quote is if you aren't cheating you aren't trying to win. If you get caught cheating however, you are found breaking the sin and of course the torches start getting lit and you begin a slow march towards execution.

3) Thou shall not create a rap/rock/blues/jazz/etc. album
- You are an athlete. You are not a musician. No one cares that you think you have talent besides playing a game. You don't. Stop trying or you shall be mocked and ridiculed for all of eternity.

4) Thou shall use prophylactics when engaging in sexual behavior.
- For this, its ok to be a womanizer, it's your birthright as the ultimate alpha-male, just do it right and don't spread your seed. For every Shawn Kemp, Travis Henry (not his actual kids in the picture...least he doesn't think they are) or Elijah Dukes that is spat on there's a Wilt Chamberlain who does it right and is praised for it. Don't be a dork, cover your pork.

5) Thou shall not get caught harming animals for fun.
- No one knows this rule better than Michael Vick, Tripp Isenhour, Pedro Martinez or Qyntel Woods. Pedro gets a bit of a pass because he did it in a country where its legal, but pretty much any athlete who does anything cruel to an animal meets a pretty unfortunate sports demise. The Lord looks down on those who harm the lesser species. We'll see what happens with Pedro this season.

6) Thou shall not get caught gambling.
- Tim Donaghy, Pete Rose, Wayne Gretzky's wife, Michael Jordan's mysterious retirement for baseball all have some ties to gambling and all have never be the same. The easy solution is to wait til you're out of sport like Charles Barkley here to publicly gamble away all your money. People find that kind of gambling far more light hearted, but if you do it while you're active in sport you shall have a pall cast upon you...and you might get forced to run a team in Charlotte named after a guy called Bob for all of eternity.

7) Thou shall not beat on your lady, get caught, arrested, and have a mugshot taken like this
- Sports, by their nature, are very aggressive. It takes an aggressive person to participate at the highest of levels of sport. The problem some have is leaving that aggression on the field or court of play. Those who choose not to will forever be branded WIFE-BEATER and those scarlet 2 words will follow you until your death...Jason Kidd.

Rockets Impersonate Dikembe

The guys at Odenized have found another gem. Here's the entire Houston Rockets team trying their best to sound like their elderly teammate, Dikembe Mutombo.

Constitutional Vol. "More Links Being Dumped"

College Tournaments are in full swing, Spring Training is warming up, NBA and NHL teams are jockeying for playoff position, its a good time to be a sports fan. Alas with all this stuff going on, we still need more things to post. Hence why you have this...welcome to the Constitutional.

  • Florida is losing spring training teams to Arizona at an alarming rate. Sun Sentinel

  • Brett Favre tribute editions of SI are flying off the shelves in Wisconsin. La Crosse Tribune

  • Drew Bledsoe is making wine in his retirement and is at peace with his time in the NFL. New York Times

  • Jeter opens his very own rehab center.

  • Friday Night Lights is returning for a 3rd season (with requisite hot women pictures). Rumors and Rants

  • Isiah loves him some popcorn. Life In The Cell

  • Man U footballer is injured by a toilet stall door and other poor excuses for injuries in soccer. Fan IQ

  • I'm not sure why they emailed me this, but here's some of Maxim's hometown hotties in bikinis. Yea, i know its not sport, but they're actually quite hot.

  • The must read Legend of Cannonball Richards. On 205th

  • Want Tiger Woods to be your caddy? You can win it. Scott Van Pelt Style

  • Its Kobe Bryant Blog Day...i have no idea what this means but i'm interested to see what'l happen. With-Malice

  • In an effort to learn how to stop be bleeding before its too late, Matt Leinart is training to be an EMT. Hugging Harold Reynolds

  • The Buzz picks the Best & Worst football movies. End Zone Buzz

Monday, March 10, 2008

When All Else Fails, Post Some Japanese Game Show

So I've got nothing much here for Monday, so that means, post some crazy Japanese game show filler. Here's a brand new competitive sport, a Sliding Door Battle! The Japanese can make anything exciting. Not sure what the bug outfits are for though, but they only make it more awesome.

From JapanProbe

One Way To Get Time Off For The NCAA Tourney

(Turns out that Deadspin had this up Sunday...but I missed that, even used the same graphic at the top...but i'll leave it up here for the Family Guy song at the end. Sorry chums! Thanks 100% for the tip)
The Oregon Urology Institute has a suggestion for guys who want to skip work and watch the first couple rounds of March Madness, get a vasectomy! They are willing to supply guys who sign up for a vasectomy before the NCAA Tournament with a "recovery kit" including sports magazines, free pizza delivery and a bag of frozen peas for your junk.

"When March Madness approaches you need an excuse ... to stay at home in front of the big screen," the advertisement of the clinic's radio said. "Get your vasectomy at Oregon Urology Institute the day before the tournament starts."

"Wouldn't it be ideal," [Terry] FitzPatrick [administrator of the institute]said, "just to be able to have your vasectomy so you could watch March Madness?"

He had reserved a dozen appointment slots for March 19, the day before the first tipoffs of the NCAA Tournament. By Thursday afternoon, 15 men had signed up. FitzPatrick expected to fill all 24 slots and to make the promotion annual.

I dunno why any of these idiots would do this when you can just hop on to CBSportsline and watch all the games online while at, yea, except I won't be doing that at my job...nooo way...not me, never mind that I said that. The free magazines and pizza are enticing however. Perhaps if i was out of my prime baby making years i'd think about it just so I could sit at home and watch them all on the HD while chowing down on free pizza (always the best pizza) but I'm trying to catch up with the Elijah Dukes and Travis Henrys of the world dammit!

The best thing about this story is that it allows us to post the Family Guy Vasectomy Song in case you wondered exactly what happens when the doctor goes snip snip down there...sorta. Enjoy

From Some Chinese Paper

It Was A One In A Million Shot Doc

Always make sure that when you're rally racing, you have plenty of padding underneath you.