Thursday, June 28, 2007

The Constitutional Vol. 7

Giving the little guys a chance because apparently Deadspin wont. Welcome to the Constitutional.

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NBA Styles Have Come A Long Way...

...and when i mean a long way, I mean that they've come a long way from being bad to being fucking horrible., in preparation for their Draft today, has posted a slideshow of "Draft Styles" over the years, and it is hilarious and gruesome at once, but there is definitely one shot that I think best captures the moment of awkwardness that comes with walking up to a napoleonic David Stern immediately after just being chosen to be a multi-millionaire:

Stern's mustache is EPIC while Olajuwon's tux with red (why red??) bow tie really sets off his vacant "Who the fuck is this midget?" and "Did I get drafted over Michael Jordan?" zombie-stare.

Link to slideshow
Photos by Andy Hayt/NBAE/Getty Images & Noren Trotman/NBAE/Getty Images

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The Best Damn Pool Shot...Period

I must know how long this took to set up.

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Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Wayne Rooney's Cougar

So we'll try to make this soccer roundup a regular Wednesday feature. Don't think that means we're a thing ... cause we're not. Let's just see where this goes. Don't look at me like that. Come on girl. You know we can't get much better.

Let Me Be The First To Welcome Our New Masters

The pace of foreigner buying Premiership teams has picked up considerably in the past months. Ex-Thai prime minister Thaksin Shinawatra is still sniffing around Manchester City like a dog going for the ball check. Arsenal is holding off American Stan Kroenke with the Heisman like an ugly girl at the club. Hong Kong businessman Carson Yeung has had less drama and has managed to purchase 29.9% of Birmingham City's shares from several directors such as sex shop and porn kings David Sullivan and the Gold Brothers.

A complete takeover isn't a guarantee but it could still happen. One has to think 29.9% of all shares entitles Yeung to whatever sex toys and porno mags he finds at St. Andrews. This sets up the awesome possibility of Yeung beating Mikael Forssell senseless with a 12-inch black dildo a la Hatchet Harry when he comes off injured for the 436th time.

There's A Joke In Here Somewhere

Poland and Ukraine are hosting the 2012 Euro tournament. Yeah, let that sink in for a minute. One of the problems is that the current stadiums and roads are in poor condition. To top that off, many construction workers have emigrated to western Europe for better paying jobs. Problem? No problem, my best sincerity friend!

Ain't nobody talkin' when I'm talkin' so shut the fuck up. Poland is considering using prisoners to build the necessary stadiums and roads.

Pawel Nasilowski, deputy head of Poland's prison service, said it could form part of a European Union-funded programme to rehabilitate prisoners.
Sometimes the jokes write themselves. That's all I'm saying. I'm off to Poland in August and the last thing I need is bad karma (mmmm chicken korma) or a posse comitatus released on my ass. Oh we're big in Poland. We're also huge in Niger, Bhutan and Pitcairn Island (mmmm incest).

There's Only One God Called Xenu

Don't be surprised if you start finding Dianetics on your seat at your next LA Galaxy game. The New Zealand Herald reports that David Beckham's prime homey Tom Cruise is considering an $80M takeover of the Galaxy.

The article is "surprisingly" short on details but it does raise the possibility of halftime rants about the dangers of anti-psychotic drugs given by Cruise and John Travolta. Perhaps our mini-demigod can help Landycakes get over his fear of European soccer.
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This Average Homeboy Likes Sports and Things

It is old but new to me. Denny "Blazin" Hazen loves sports and is difficult to stop laughing long enough to type up anything to go along with this. Let me collect myself...ok. This dude is a self proclaimed "average" white guy who likes sports and rapping, can lay the ball up in a hoop, swing a baseball bat at an imaginary ball and rap as if he were living in 1986, complete with backing Casio keyboard drums. Sure, it is old, but I honestly don't know how my life was complete without having seen this, its like an Oprah motivational speech telling me "You, at the very least, are better than him."

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This...had to hurt


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A Heartfelt Thanks

I cannot email everyone that made the past 24 hours the biggest day in the Deuce of Davenport history so far, but I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you to all those that loved the cereal box story as much as I did. So many people linked or checked out the story it'd take a huge endeavor to link everyone back that loved the story, but I just wanted everyone to know that Trapper, Mustafa and I appreciate all of you reading our madness and hope you check us out out again and keep the comments going. If you wish to contribute more weirdness to the Deuce, we're always available at mailATdeuceofdavenportDOTcom. Thank you all again so much.

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Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Bastard Child Of Two Non-Sports

So yesterday the great guys at 100% Injury Rate brought you the joys of Extreme Pogo and Extreme Unicycling. Today, we have found the bastard love child of the two non-sports...Extreme Pogocycling.

I think we've entered a new dimension of SUCK...and yet, I too like to move it move it at times.
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Someone Please Create A Caption

We don't normally do create a caption contests here on the Deuce, but listen to me people...we have to for this. How fucking weird is this picture?? Christ it freaks me out. I know you people are reading this site. We have like a billions ways of determining site traffic. There's been a bit of chattiness in the comments lately (shout out to my man Skin Patrol), so who else is out there and reading our stuff. Chime in, make a funny caption, let us know who you are so we can get to know our readers. For the love of all creatures big and small this picture is too God-damned freaky to not have a corresponding fucked up caption.

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The Constitutional Vol. 6

Even Stormtroopers must take a break for this. Welcome to the Constitutional.

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Actual Sports Cereals You Didn't Know Existed

these have no flavor at all

known to cause kidney failure

loses consistency in seconds

might cause irritability and feelings of unstableness

all flash no substance

you will suck if you eat this

might have used Chinese wheat gluten as filler ingredient to make it seem mo' better than it really was

good, but not as good as people thought

expensive. but didn't deliver any satisfaction

may cause weight gain*

so try these and watch his new tv show*

*These Shaq snacks aren't cereal but crackers, i just liked the boxes. Everything else, actual cereal you can buy...somewhere.

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Monday, June 25, 2007

Shaq Gives Championship Ring for Food

Shaq's generosity is on full display in this story from SporTech Matter and the Sun

Shaquille O’Neal, like Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas and Dan Marino, is a regular at tiny Café Martorano in Fort Lauderdale -- and a friend of Steve, the owner.

When O’Neal stopped by around Christmas 2006, for the first time in a while, he promised Martorano that he had ordered a present for him: a championship ring.

“I laughed at him,” Martorano said. “Where’s it at?”

O’Neal told Martorano that Heat community affairs director Steve Stowe would be contacting him. But Martorano still hadn’t received his ring by the time O’Neal appeared at the grand opening of the second restaurant at the Rio Hotel in Las Vegas. Then O’Neal’s teammate, Eddie Jones, told Martorano that he couldn’t believe the restauranteur had fallen for O’Neal’s story.

So, naturally, Martorano was surprised when Stowe - dining at the Fort Lauderdale location Wednesday night -- peeked out the window and then welcomed O’Neal inside. They held a private ceremony in the kitchen. O’Neal thanked Martorano for being good to him and his family, and told him: “Enjoy this.”

“There are a couple of highlights in my life,” Martorano said. “The birth of my children, opening a second business in Las Vegas. This was another one. Getting a championship ring from Shaquille O’Neal.”

I'd write more commentary but it's been a busy day today...make your own in the comments. Sure seems like that Shaq is one swell guy.
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Protect Ya Neck

Wu-Wear better jump on this. Security clothing company Bladerunner Kevlar Protection and artist Dr. Zulu have collaborated to come out with a stylish Kevlar, knife resistant hoodie. That image you see on the hoodie is actually the chemical compound for Kevlar all over it.

This is obviously for the skater who likes to skate in TEH MOST X-TREME neighborhoods. EXTREME TO THE MAX!

Head nod to SlamXHype

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Sunday, June 24, 2007

Kimbo WINS!

Our man Kimbo Slice defeated former heavyweight champion "Merciless" Ray Mercer on Saturday. We were rooting for Kimbo last friday when we discussed his turn from underground to mainstream. Our friends at Our Book of Scrap found the video, which is probably well on its way to being taken off the internet, so watch and watch now to see the Merciless one ask for MERCY by tapping out, allowing Kimbo the win. Faaaantastic!

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Saturday, June 23, 2007

Run! Inspector 52 Will Stab You

In the spirit of bringing you great local commercials, the Deuce brings you more Eastern Motors. I thought I was up to date on all my Eastern Motors commercials until I saw these two featuring Ray Lewis.

He really needs to sing the Eastern Motors song backed up by DJ Kool and surrounded by a bunch of dancing knives cutting prices. Nothing increases productivity like stabbin'.

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Friday, June 22, 2007

Deion Sanders Cannot Sing

Drivers Select is vying to top Eastern Motors on the local commercial entertainment front. I have no idea what is going on in this commercial except Deion is singing like a wounded quayle and Jerry Stackhouse, Devin Harris and Jason Terry are not dancing well at all. In other words...its brilliant. Must be the credit.

Found at the EbSports Forum
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Ghost Ridin' Tha Whip

This video's been around for a bit, but as a true sign of how old I am, I have never heard of Ghost Ridin' until now. Nevertheless, it made be laugh to watch the fool in the 2nd clip run himself over. Just dumb...

From EBSports Forums
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The Constitutional Vol. 5

Eat your spinach. Welcome to the Constitutional.

  • News that the Orioles suck has gone international. The Guardian-UK

  • Rob Marinelli wrestled a bear in high school, right? Who knew that the Bear was the real star? 100% Injury rate

  • Australians again proving themselves to be insane. The Parlayer

  • The Nationals might actually have a real player in their minors. Washington Post

  • Breaux Greer is your hero and you never heard of him until now. Our Book of Scrap

  • Athlete's secrets as told by their Valet. Pyle of List

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Kimbo Goes Mainstream

No longer satisfied with beatin the asses of fools who dare to challenge him to a fight in someone's ill-kept backyard, Kimbo Slice is hittin the big time. Kimbo is fighting in Cage Fury Fighting 5 in Atlantic City this Saturday, and if I didn't have a work event I would so be there.

Kimbo Slice is taking on former world heavyweight champion "Merciless" Ray Mercer in what is building to be, at least in my mind, one of the greatest MMA battles ever. I mean, neither one of these brawlers know any sort of martial art. One is a former highly skilled boxer and the other is a street fighter with no actual training whatsoever. This fight should be a classic, and one of the Deuce's readers must give us a tape or youtube or something of this(mail AT deuceofdavenport DOT com)and put 20 bucks down on 27 on the routlette wheel.

An intrepid writer for the Boston Globe actually sought out Kimbo for an interview and its freakin' classic with lines like this:

"With a [expletive] like me that comes from the streets, I know wassup. I'm not a top [expletive] that's gonna be running my mouth. I bought the streets like that cause that's how a lot of [expletive] eat.
Kimbo's career underground fighting record is 7-1 and the gamblers are betting on Mercer to win by KO, but I'm rootin for Kimbo. Here's some Kimbo in his prime. Fuck yea.
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Dont Tread on Me

What would you call a person who in their freshman season of college, tore up their knee in a tournament requiring major surgery, in their sophmore season, got hit by a car and needed another trip to the hospital, a week later put their hand through a window in their home...their home which later that year burned to the ground their junior year, this person barely escaping, and as if all that weren't enough, in their senior season on a trip to Mexico, got stung twice by a scorpion in their hotel? Unlucky? Tainted? Just Fucked? No, apparently you call her "Danger" least thats what her friends call her, yes and I said her.

Not quite the level of Rulon Gardner yet but Santa Clara volleyball star Kim McGiven is vying to be the female version of the Olympic least in terms of bad luck. The three-time first-team All-WCC and current WCC's Female Scholar Athlete of the Year is going pro and is playing in Spain next season...the Deuce hopes she makes it there and back alive.

I've had bad weeks before, I've even had a few pretty depressinly unlucky months, but to have a stretch where you needed major knee surgery, get hit by a car, put your hand through plate glass, have your house burn down, then, as the cherry on top, get stung twice by scorpions has got to be classified as...a bad bad stretch of luck. If I am Kim, and I am most certainly not, I am headed to Vegas and playing some craps. You gotta figure she is due for one of those hour long sessions of throwing the dice and not crapping out.

Still the scorpion stinging did remind me of possibly the greatest episode of SeaLab 2021 ever. I implore you to watch and brighten up your morning.

Story Source: San Francisco Gate
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Thursday, June 21, 2007

Man Kicks Horse

Jockey Victor Molina is hoping for the best in his disciplinary hearing to be held on Friday after getting upset at the horse he was riding and kicking it in the gut. Yes, two-year-old colt Yes Yes Ohyes was attacked by the jockey on Monday at Philadelphia Park after the horse reared up in the starting gate, its head hitting Molina right in the chest, stunning, then angering him. After that, he got off the horse, took off the saddle...and swiftly kicked Yes Yes Ohyes in the belly. The Boston Herald has recounted this entire story and got these quotes from the jockey:

"I'm not the kind of person that people are making me out to be," Molina said today.
"The threat of knowing the horse could hurt you, if anything, got me upset," he said. "The idea that I could have got hurt, I just got mad at him. Maybe that's why I kicked him."
The article says that Molina has been a jockey at Philadelphia Park since 1988 and is normally quite kind to animals. Also, the racing director Al Sinatra ejected Molina from the park and suspended him indefinitely.

In hockey you can get 40 games to a season long ban for viciously attacking a player but in football you can step on a man's face and get a 5 game suspension in a 16 game year. What would all those Barbaro horse fanatics think of this guy, let alone the PETA people who are up in arms with the animal cruelty going on at the VA Michael Vick compound? They might want to burn him at the freakin stake! Maybe we should just go ahead and replace these jockeys with robots or something!

We couldn't find a video of this kick, even though it was caught by the simulcast cameras, but at least we did find this

Horse kick - MyVideo
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This is How Nike Advertises in Asia

This video below shows how Nike loves to help spread the NBA empire around the world...selling millions of pairs of shoes in the meantime. Although if they are trying to sell shoes, i'm not sure why Nike didn't show the shoes in these ads. Maybe its because most the people who are watching this ad are doing so in the 2 hours of free time they have in between sleep and slaving away in some sweatshop. There is plenty of animated Garnett, Duncan, and J-Will to show why they are making the shoes and why they should buy them. I must say, that is some catchy hip hop they've created.

All in all, it kinda looks like a bad Saturday morning cartoon called like "Rappin' NBA Baller Superheroes!" or something. Maybe this isn't even an advertisement but a propaganda video shown inside their sweatshops motivating their employees to make shoes for these rapping superheroes.

From EBSnet forums
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The Constitutional Vol. 4

No news is good news with Gary Gnu. Welcome to the Constitutional.

Update: Cannot forget about the newest episode of the always great Bog TV - Jason Campbell is Country. Thanks to the Dude!
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Street Race in SoCal and Your Dreams Get Crushed

If you get caught doing illegal street racing in Southern California your car will get wrecked, not due to your own crap-ass driving ability, but because of a new get tough way to prosecute illegal street racers. People who get caught racing in Socal get their cars compacted (ie: crushed, destroyed, turned to coke cans) and you have to watch it happen.

Charles Hoang and Daniel Maldonado found this out the hard way after they got caught racing, prosecuted and later made to watch their cars get smashed.

"That's my heart, my dream," said a visibly upset Hoang, 18, of Chino, who was surrounded by friends as his 1998 Acura Integra was put into a compactor. "That's my girlfriend, the love of my life. The cops can crush my car, but they can't crush my memories."
Now, I don't want to say that having a 98 Integra as a girlfriend and dream is a bad thing, but come the fuck on!! Get a fucking life. You don't live in 2 Fast 2 Furious land. Racing your rice burners across the streets, occasionally killing people and yourselves, is not a "fun" thing to do when you're bored with the suburbs. We all know the suburbs suck! Fucking do drugs like everyone else! Spending all the money you make from being a sandwich artist at Subway on a new spoiler that doesn't fit or a new muffler that makes your car RAWK is not a good use of your cash. Do a little drugs and you could possibly be the next Jimi, wait he's dead, the next Kurt, wait...dead too, the next...well you get the picture, there's better things you could be doing! You will not have some hot babe on the hood of your car after you cross the finish line like in the movies. You will most likely have a "hottie" like this waiting for you

Yea, thats what we all want. Fat girl puking. Hell yea. Anyway, the point of this story is, occasionally law enforcement does do some good...and this is one of them. Crush those annoying pieces of shit and make them watch it...just so long as I don't have to see another Fast & The Furious movie while on a Chinatown bus to New York. Most trends need to die quick, this one is long past it's shelf life.

Car Crushing Article Here - San Francisco Gate
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Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Japanese Like Watching Fish Fry

I think the Japanese can make anything cool...even tuna throwing. What, you didnt know it was a sport? It is. Its like shot put...only with big ass tasty fish. I only hope they don't actually eat these after.

Tuna Throwing Competition - video powered by Metacafe

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Reggie Theus to Coach Kings

Reggie Theus, former NBA "star" and most recently head coach of New Mexico State, has apparently agreed to become the newest head coach of the Sacramento Kings. The Deuce knew that Reggie had it in him to be a coach of a big time professional basketball team since we first saw him on the coaching circuits. Watch and be prepared to be amazed by his motivational ability to coach up some 5'5 white guys into doing spectacular layups and jump shots.

After watching that, Joe Maloof's words ring true:
“Reggie is a coach who has a tremendous passion and love for the game of basketball," said Kings' co-owner Joe Maloof. "He’s got a terrific work ethic, and I think that, combined with his passion for the game, will help lead us into the future.”
Reggie Theus, new head coach of the mighty Sacramento can he fail?

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The Horrors of Technology on Display in The Middle East

Do you, Husna, take Aazad, in richness and in poorness, poorness is underlined, in impotence and in potence, in quiet solitude or blasting across the alkali flats in a camel-powered, robot-navigated...and it goes on like this...

Yes camel racing has entered the 21st century. 100% Injury Rate has found that the sport that once used kids of 4 or 5 years of age to jockey camels to the finish line has replaced them with...robots. Thats right, robots. See?

Not pretty is it? I encourage you to click on their page for Youtubes and the full story on this madness. I'm just a bit jealous we didn't find this bit of obscurity ourselves. The Deuce has been slacking in the odd-sports department lately. Our shame is real. Kudos Injury Rate, job well done.

Link to 100% Injury Rate
1st paragraphed paraphrased from the Simpsons...extra points if you knew that

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Tuesday, June 19, 2007

The Constitutional Vol. 3

Been sick as a dog since Friday, so Mustafa has been carrying the load...but i'm feelin a bit better, well enough to bring you a link dump of joy carefully culled from teh interwebs. Welcome to the Constitutional.

  • Mark Cuban does blow...this comes as a HUGE surprise to everyone. How does Stern punish him for this, even if its fake? Our Book of Scrap

  • Frank Thomas drops the F-bomb on some fans. Drunk Jays Fans

  • The guys at KSK present their Guide to American Football for the European nations. Kissing Suzy Kolber

  • This is just the whole thing. Awful Announcing

  • The babe's Rookie Card Playoffs continue into the final round, cast your votes now. Babes Love Baseball

  • Whitlock has moved off the couch and is now on FOX. The Big Lead

  • A hot Brazillian referee is posing for Playboy. Giggity! The Offside

  • Bill Cowher has reportedly talked to the Redskins about coaching - Hogs Haven

Update: Forgot to link a great interview that Deadspin's Will Leitch did with MLB's newest employee Harold Reynolds. Congrats on the new job Harold and the great interview Will. - Deadspin

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Oh What A Feeling When We're Dancing On The Ceiling

"Oy! Sing Caribbean Queen!"
"Pipe down, Frankie! It's my wedding! Killer on the Rampage!"
"Eff off, guv! Make 'im sing both!"
"I’ve only got two more songs, please stick with me."
"Fuck off. It's my wedding and you'll sing what I bloody well want you to sing! Carefree wherever I may be, I am the famous CFC and I don't give a fuck wherever I may be (my wedding!). I am the famous CFC!"

Poor Lionel Richie. He gets almost £250,000 to fly over to England to perform at Chelsea and England captain John Terry's wedding and all hell breaks loose. The Sun reports that Richie was mercilessly heckled by wedding guests during his set.

The superstar was stunned when he was heckled by some of the multi-millionaire footballers at the lavish bash.

Lionel admitted afterwards that he thought he had taken a wrong turn and ended up in a local working men’s club rather than a WAG’s wedding.

The crooner was paid almost £250,000 to play at the reception at Blenheim Palace at the special request of bride Toni Poole.

But after his first song he had to ask guests — who included Wayne Rooney...Jamie Carragher and Frank Lampard — to pipe down.
They didn't even wait for him to start his second song "Hello" before they started "chanting back to him as if they were on the football ground terraces" after drinking copious amounts of champagne during the reception.

Terry's wife Toni was close to tears as she thought was would lose out on a wedding picture contract with OK! Magazine when Richie made a mistake and mentioned Hello magazine instead before he started his set.

Wayne Rooney's WAG, Colleen was desperately trying to keep his drinking under control.
A source said: “Coleen put him on a strict drinking ban.

“When the waiters were coming around offering more to drink she kept taking Wayne’s glass from him and saying, ‘He’s had enough’.

“The lads downed glasses of champagne like shots of shorts before the meal.

“She didn’t want the trouble she’s had with him before at big events when he’s had one too many.”
I'm sure Gary Neville and Michael Carrick's wedding was a more somber affair. After all, such affairs are not approved by the Church of England.
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Alexi Lalas Has Lost His F**king Mind

It's not clear whether it's the sun or bad chicken and waffles but something has made Alexi Lalas talk more crazy than normal.

"There's no accounting for bad taste," Lalas said in an exclusive interview with the Guardian. "That a segment of the world worships an inferior product in the Premiership is their business. English football now has the haves and the have-nots. It's just that the Premiership have become so skilled in presentation. They took a page out of American football and so now they have Saturday Showdowns and Super Sundays. I love it. This is high-calibre marketing - taking an inferior product and improving it through packaging."

"The experts in England talk about David Beckham as if he's going into semi-retirement. It's insulting to say Beckham is on his way to Hollywood when he's coming to play in one of the most competitive leagues in the world. There are a lot of stars who would struggle here.
Apparently Lalas hasn't watched his own product. Watching MLS games is similar to watching old people fuck. It's a mediocre product with a few highlights and good players who bounce to Europe as soon as they can except for Primadonovan. The Deuce is all about the growth and expansion of American soccer but don't get it twisted, it's still weak compared to the other major leagues around the world.

He does have a point here.
"There's this delusion that if it's English then it's great. But a whole world exists outside of England. That's reflected in the difficulties they had when everyone ran to the Premiership. Maybe it's OK for the fan but, for the average development of the players, their game is struggling."
There is some truth to that but it's not clear whether he understands the context. Either he's a great hype man who's trying to bring attention to the MLS or he's a delusional ex-player like Eric Wynalda. Either way, we can't wait to see how he responds when Beckham realizes he's basically playing in a rec league and his teammates can't put three passes together without giving it up or falling over.
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Midnight At The Oasis

Dateline N9ne Steakouse (Palms), Las Vegas - Tom Brady is having dinner with Gisele when he looks up and sees Randy Moss at a table across the way, wearing a bib and throwing down on lobster. He walks over to say hello.

Tom: “Randy! What’s up man? What are you doing out here? Shouldn’t you be studying the playbook? Hahaha!”

Randy says nothing and continues to gulp lobster tails like a crocodile on a baby zebra.

Tom: “Dude, it’s me! Tom. Tom Brady. Your quarterback?”

Randy looks up, says nothing and continues to slurp the lobster tails like a Thai boy on Gary Glitter.

Tom: “Hey it’s really good to see you. We need to do more bonding and get right so when the season starts, we can get off to a good start and Coach won’t beat me stupid like Ted Johnson while yelling ‘Grogan!’ and ‘Eason!’ and slobbering on his sweatshirt. That’s a good idea, right?”

Randy looks up, shrugs, says nothing and starts shoving crab cakes in his mouth two at a time.

Tom: “Awesome. That’s really awesome. Hey … where’d you get the seafood? This is a steakhouse. I didn’t know you could get that here. How’d you get it?”

Randy looks up, points out the window and polishes off the crab cakes and cleans the plate with his tongue like a zamboni.

Tom (waving Gisele to come over): “Hey, I want you to meet my girl. The one I didn’t knock up. Sweet! This is Gisele. Gisele, this is Randy. We’re going to play together this year.”

Gisele: “Hi Randy. I heard a lot about you. I like playing too. Yay cookies!! I want pao de queijo!”

Tom: “Yeah she’s really awesome. Smokin’ too.”

A manager comes over and asks if Tom and Randy will pose for a picture together. After a pause and a sigh, Randy slowly rises and stands next to Tom. Gisele jumps in between them and puts her arms around both of them.

Tom: “Hey man, lemme pick up your meal. It’s the least I can do to welcome you to the team.”

Gisele: “Randy, I hear you like taking your pants off in front of crowds. I do too! We’re going to be super awesome friends in no time!”

As they pose for the picture, Randy puts the calamari down and stealthily moves his hand to Gisele’s ass as a waiter takes their picture. A smile creeps across his face. He really thinks he’s going to like New England.

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Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better

You have to hand it to the Cincinnati Bengals. If they showed this much determination on the football field at the end of the season, they might have made something of themselves by now.

Chris Henry: “Yo Quince! Pacman got arrested.”

Quincy Wilson: “Oh word?”

Henry: “Yeah. He also said Bengals are bitches. It takes a whole team to get arrested as much as he has. He said he even got a bunch of outstandings he ain’t even used yet. Said he’ll spot us a couple to make it closer.”

Wilson: “Fuck that noise. Coach Marvin said this is a team game and we win, lose or get arrested as a team. I’m a get arrested today. As a matter of fact, I’m gonna get arrested on Pacman’s home field. I’m gonna stand there like T.O. on the Dallas star. Shit, I may even make them use a taser. He do that yet?”

Henry: “Um…Nah, I don’t think he done that yet.”

Wilson: “Cool. I got a plane to catch. See you on the news, playboy.”

Henry: “Bet. I gotta go see my probation officer. Holla at ya boy, nucka!”

Bengals running back Quincy Wilson was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct after refusing to disperse after a wedding party. He becomes the 10th Bengal arrested in the past 14 months. Ten is also the number of times Pacman has been arrested unless they’ve caught him for the strip club joint this past weekend.

Police wanted to disperse the crowd because some shots had been fired about 30 minutes earlier a block from the bar.
This is turning into a game of horse. Rumor has it that Pacman intends to respond by going old school and combining Charles Barkley, Rae Carruth and Lawrence Phillips. He’ll toss his next victim through the window and into a car trunk. Then he’ll speed off into a crowd like that crackhead in DC a couple weeks ago. Like Mannie Fresh, he’s a brofessional.

Photo courtesy of Mondesi's House.

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Monday, June 18, 2007

Wayne Rooney's Cougar

If I wanted to watch shit like this, I could have gone to Sunderland.

I don't know about you but I think Thierry's aging pretty fast and morphing into Russell Simmons.

Welcome back to the soccer/football roundup. It's supposed to be a regular feature on the Deuce but I forgot about my lazy. I'm about as committed to excellence as the Raiders. Instead I promise you the same title so that you'll always recognize it whenever it shows up. Let's kick it off with Wazza.

You Gotta Eat Lightning and Crap Thunder

Alternatively you can eat sky blue and crap red. Ricky Hatton fans who support Manchester City are up in arms over Hatton's plans to have his boy Wayne Rooney carry one of his championship belts into the ring in Vegas when he takes on Jose Luis Castillo.

Some fans with tickets are threatening to boycott the fight if Rooney appears in the ring. It would be one thing if Joey Barton were still around but City fans are showing the smarts that have taken them to the heights of the bottom half of the table. Yeah that's it. I'll buy a plane ticket to Vegas and a ticket to the fight but I'll say eff it if Rooney shows up. I bet the Gallagher brothers are involved in this scheme.

Rio Ferdinand, Wes Brown, Joe Cole, Jamie Carragher, Shawn Wright-Phillips and David Dunn are expected to watch the fight in person. Our money's on Rio making it rain at some point this weekend.

Bobby Zamora Drinks Lead Paint

What other explanation could there be for Zamora pretending a friend was driving his car in order to avoid getting a speeding ticket when camera footage showed he was the one driving? He was arrested and freed on bail on suspicion of perverting the course of justice. Kind of like when Ric Ocasek married Paulina Porizkova. Hey oh! Zing!

Jose Don't Like The Africans So Much

Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho says he's finished signing African players.
"African players are excellent technically and are natural fighters but when you have a lot of them you have to say stop, no more.

"Losing them can kill your team at a crucial time. If someone asks me do I want more African players, I'd say no."
That ain't even right, Jose. Letting a tournament come between you and some Africans.
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Why I Cry

Outstanding Achievement In The Field Of Excellence

You are not alone, Reh Dogg. The Oakland Raiders and Jeff Garcia are here with you.

The Oakland Raiders are all about commitment to excellence. So much so that they bitched and moaned about the intensity of their offseason workouts and got the NFLPA to take a break from kicking old players in the head in order to stop their "voluntary" workouts.

Raiders coach Lane Kiffin responded as one might imagine,

"I was notified that the players' union believes our total commitment to improving our football team has resulted in some violations of rules regarding practice standards."
You silly man. Don't you know you coach the Raiders? The only thing resembling commitment on that side of the bay is wherever the word commitment is painted in the stadium and Baron Davis' beard. Is the Raiders job similar to being beaten by a dominatrix who doesn't understand your safety word for 14-16 hours a day?

Why Does It Hurt So Bad?

Jeff Garcia's been watching too much Waiting To Exhale. Why else would he feel so bad?
"I think there was a lot of anger within myself ...Here was finally a situation where I felt so comfortable and I felt like I had a good home and a good place, and I wanted to be able to experience more of that and, hopefully, not have to relocate all over again. That opportunity wasn't presented to me ... I felt personally snubbed."
Let go like Toni Braxton. It ain't worth it.

What? Oh I looked up songs from the Waiting to Exhale soundtrack. It's not like I own it. What are you looking at? Oh fuck you, fine! I own it! You happy now? I'm still a man. Please believe me! You know what? Screw you guys. Where's my International Coffee and "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret"? I'm going to my book club.
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Sunday, June 17, 2007

The Finishing Move

Pay attention, students of Brazilian ju-jitsu. Here's that finishing move your teacher won't show you. It's called 'roids, baby.

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The Ball. His Groin. It Works On So Many Levels.

Will anything ever go right for the Redskins? Can you remember anything good since Doug Williams? Gus? Vinny? Jeff G?

At least this time, the comedy factor is through the roof. Give LaRon Landry the $10,000! Landry has been unable to participate in Skins minicamp after being shot in the groin with a paintball during a team bonding session last Wednesday.

Some players went bowling and others went to lunch. The defensive players went paintballing. It's unclear who shot Landry but Sean Taylor has not been seen lately and a set of ATV tire tracks were seen leading away from a writhing Landry.

P.S. Speaking of the Skins, scratch your eyes out Cooley-Style thanks to The Fanhouse and Hogs Haven. Here's to 5-11!

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An Idea Long Overdue

Through no fault of its own, the MLS may have stumbled on a good idea thanks to the New York Mets. The New York Times reports that the Mets along with several other investors have started talks to obtain the rights to run a MLS team starting in 2010. It is assumed that the unnamed team would play in Queens near the Mets' new stadium.

This is a great idea which means the MLS will probably find a way to mess it up. The MLS has a long history of unfortunate priorities and decisions which have hindered the growth of the league. For too long, the MLS has focused on attracting families as its fan base. This is a self-destructive policy as the league cannot count on most of these fans to stay with the league as the children go and the parents no longer have a reason to attend matches. It's another symptom of the sterilization of American sports. Fair-weather fans are not the long term answer for the fledgling league.

The MLS also has a habit of building or using stadiums in areas often inaccessible to public transportation. Way to cut off thousands of potential fans. I have ruled out going to matches because it's a pain in the ass to travel that far to watch mediocre soccer. They only trick me when they have a doubleheader with an international or European/Latin American club match.

A team in Queens solves these problems. The Times article touches on two reasons. A large immigrant population and easy access by road and public transport.

Several years ago I, along with several other soccer fans, sat down with Alexi Lalas who was NY/NJ (genius idea) Metrostars (now Red Bulls) GM at the time to discuss what the team could do to expand its fan base and make itself more of a presence in the New York area. After the idea of moving the team to Queens was mooted, we pointed out that the Metrostars and other teams needed to market to immigrants as well as people who are already fans of the game. A team in Queens makes it easier to attract these people as well as people who have some interest but aren't willing to travel long distances to see a match. You can't make new fans unless you get them to the matches. I would like to support American soccer but they better not make me work for it.

The Mets ownership would hopefully bring experience in running a sports franchise which is something many teams lack. Of course, baseball acumen doesn't automatically translate to success in soccer but one would hope they would be able to find people who would be able to work some magic across the meadow.

The name of the team is also important. It should say New York or Queens. I would suggest the 7 Train Translators, Pupusas, Steamin' Dumplings, Korma Knockas or Christpunchers.

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Friday, June 15, 2007

The Constitutional Vol. 2

Its Friday morning, I'm hungover, Mustafa has no internet currently due to some problems with his ISP and I have a meeting here at work in a little bit, so posting will be a tad bit sporadic today. So to keep you guys entertained with something...Welcome to the Constitutional

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Thursday, June 14, 2007

The Constitutional - Vol. 1

We're going to try our hand at a link dump so we can feature a lot of the blogs that do a great job of making light of the day in sports. Mustafa and I are going to try to make this a daily thing...we'll see how that goes. Welcome to the Constitutional.

  • The Flyers don't have much to look forward to next year...except Orange Shirted Fat Guy. Barry Melrose Rocks

  • Dan Marino is making a movie about Sex Slaves in China. Sports By Brooks

  • Nationals "Racing Presidents" bobbleheads are coming and they look freaky. Nats 320

  • Never talk on your cell and weight lift at the same time - 100% Injury Rate

  • Patrick Kearny & Ron Mexico are not being treated the same. Double standard? The Starting Five

  • Flying dogs is a sport too...and not cruel. Fanhouse
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Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Greatest Punch-Out Video Ever

A lot of Nintendo's Punch-Out youtubes were on the sports blog-type-sites in the past weeks (Like Deadspin and Mr. Irrelevant with Jamie's minor obsession with it to name a couple) but this one, I believe, is the champion of Mike Tyson's Punch Out videos. Apparently Nintendo held a film competition that invited anyone with a camera to make a short film about Nintendo. This video below is "Team Awesome's" entry. I'm not even going to describe it further, just watch and enjoy. (Watch it all...its quite a trailer).

Thank you College Humor for this...
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And You Thought Your Girlfriend's Gift Sucked

Talk to former St. George rugby player Meli Allen. He ended up in court pleading guilty to a charge of assault occasioning actual bodily harm (as opposed to theoretical).

Imagine you just lost your job. You're depressed so you go home to your girlfriend who buys you a present to make you feel better. Tickets to Vegas? Nah. Tickets to a football game? Nope. A purple cashmere sweater? Holla.

Allen admitted punching Ryan Phillpot, 19, once on the nose on November 25, 2006 in Bridge Street, Sydney.

In sentencing Allen in the Downing Centre Local Court today, Magistrate Julie Huber was told the victim's friends had yelled "You poof, you fucking fag," at Allen after seeing him in the jumper.

Allen approached the men, asking, "What's your problem?".

When they repeated their jibes, he threw a punch at Mr Phillpot.
In a move guaranteed to create harmony at home, Allen's lawyer claimed that he "reluctantly wore the sweater so as not to offend her".

Talk about going from bad to worse. No job. A pissed off, embarrassed girlfriend. Criminal charges. Who knew sweaters could cause so much trouble? Maybe it's not Cosby's fault he fed roofies to girls. Stupid sweater.

The situation probably makes Allen wish he lived in the township of Hinton. Isolated by floodwaters but supplied by beer.
SES Spokesman Phil Campbell says they are being re-supplied, and today there was a special beer run.

"When we had some room in the boat we could take a few kegs of beer across to the Hinton pub, because of course State of Origin is on tonight, and it's important that we let communities function as normally as possible."
Maybe he can paddle his way up the riveridoo and get away until the lady calms down...or buys him a sequin-covered ruffle shirt and indirectly causes a blood bath.
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Snooker Is Gangsta

Photo by Keith Taylor

Snooker is not known to be the most violent of the billiards games, but here it proves that it can be just as rough as the $50 a ball game down at the pool hall on MLK Blvd. You know that pool hall, with the warped and stained tables from all the booze spilled on them, the smell of stale beer and cigarettes in the air, some old guy sitting in the corner, silent, but watching every move made and cackling like a hyena with a pack a day habit whenever you scratch a ball...yea, that's real pool. However, snooker is attempting to rival real billiards by having fights break out in charity exhibition matches! Thats hard-core man.

This snooker match broke into a fight due to a disputed call made by the referee. Alex "Hurricane" Higgins did not like a ball touching call made and landed a punch in the stomach of the man in the tux above, the ref, Terry Riley. Riley took exception to this, grabbed Higgins and pushed him backwards along the table until some of the crowd and his opponent stepped in.

From the story:
The event's promoter, Gary Astley, said Higgins later told him the referee had "over-reacted" on Monday night.

But Mr Riley, a class one international referee with 25 years' experience, said: "It was a punch and officials are not there to be punched."
I never thought I'd live to see the day where a snooker referee could be called "gangsta" but its time has come...and I've never felt so alive before.

Full Story from Daily Mail here
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Life's A Sport. Drink It Up, Dawg.

Elijah Dukes could teach the Cavs about rebounding. He didn't waste any time getting over his last relationship. What better way to show the world that you're over the mother of your children than by having another child by a child?

Sports by Brooks reports via the St. Petersburg Times that the Devil Ray's Elijah Dukes impregnated a 17 year old foster child living with his step-grandmother. Police say no crime was committed as the sex was consensual but the foster home is under investigation for some reason.

The girl informed Dukes about the pregnancy along with another family member. He responded by getting mad and throwing a bottle of Gatorade at her.

Dukes' mother managed to keep the situation in perspective.

"He's doing well on the field," she said. "He's doing so good. It's just every time he turns around there's something coming at him."
While we'd like to congratulate him on his fielding percentage as calculated by his mom, bagging an underage girl doesn't count towards a Gold Glove.

Director Woody Allen was asked for comment. "I feel for Elijah. I also can't listen to too much Air Supply. I start getting the urge to conquer underage girls. I mean I hear the first lines of 'Every Woman in the World' and I end up with my foster kid. It happens. Mia knew how I felt about that."

Thanks to SportsbyBrooks and the St. Petersburg Times
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Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Basaball Has Been Berry Berry Good To . . . Posh???

Is it me, or does the ball in the last picture look like its about to get thrown all of 9 inches? Mr. Mia Hamm better watch out who he is caught associating with though. If he goes all A-rod cheatin on his wife, well, lets just say I can't imagine a worse pain than a swift kick in the groin by Mia...
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Always Bet On The Ocho

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Detroit Show Me Love Up In The Club

Detroit Lions DT Shaun Rogers doesn't have an invisible touch. He's all about taking control and slowly harassing the strippers.

A Detroit stripper accused Rogers of inappropriately touching her sometime last week at a strip club on Detroit's west side.

Note Rogers and his buddy showing off the shocker and the old, misused and teen-style single finger action used later at Polly Esther's and up in the strip club. Westside hittin' hairy cock all night long. Get ya club on!

This is just weak when compared to Joe Cullen's swagger.

*Chef Steff has a bunch of great celeb pictures including this one with Kid from Kid N' Play. Looks like he's getting a meal at the local soup kitchen. Not a house party anymore, is it Kid?

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This Is How We Do

When we hit the Oneida casino up in Wisconsin. Ones and firewater in flasks set the night off right. No checks, straight cash homies.

If I had to guess, I'd say that Pretty Boy Mayweather is advising our friend, Off-Brand Fat Joe to invest half the stack in pork bellies and sin stocks while investing the other half on Savannah (well it's that, Crystal or Jenny) behind him. "Yo son, this is mad money like that guy from Seinfeld who talks about stocks and shit!"

*click the picture for the TMZ story

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Monday, June 11, 2007

Manchester Is Full Of S**t

We're a couple weeks late on this but this is too good to pass up.

If this is the worst Pedro has seen, he certainly hasn't been to any Liverpool, La Liga or Serie A matches. Back to shoving your face full of prawn sandwiches in the press box.

Thanks to Soccernista for the link.

Here's another reason Fox Soccer Channel should spend more than $2.50 on Fox Soccer Report talent.

Thanks to With Leather and The Offside.

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Open Wide For Some Soccer

This Gold Cup match determined once and for all which nation is the greatest on earth. Mexico or Honduras.

The Deuce bows in Honduras' general direction and we salute our new overlords.

Oh yeah and the US won too.

Mormons Hate Tibet

First Freddy Adu gets hit in the head with a golf ball and now Tibetan supporters are being oppressed Tiananmen-style.

Several fans were tossed from an exhibition match between China and Real Salt Lake last Thursday for waving a Tibetan flag.

Some of the Chinese players stepped off the field early in the second half and refused to play again until the flags were put away.

The fans put away the Tibetan flags, as well as flags of Taiwan and a sign referring to China's Tiananmen Square protest in 1989, but brought them out again later in the game.

Real Salt Lake spokesman Trey Fitz-Gerald said the fans were kicked out for being disruptive. He said they were more focused on harassing the Chinese players than making a political statement.

``This is a case where we invited this team here, and we were their host, and we needed to be diplomatic,'' Fitz-Gerald said.
It would be one thing if buddhist Richard Gere was thrown out with his gerbils. Utah hates your freedom.

If I Could Be Like Diego

Lionel Messi scored a goal against Getafe earlier this season which was reminiscent of Maradona's amazing goal against England in 1986 which is considered by many to be one of the greatest goals ever scored.

Looks like Messi took his hero worship to new heights over the weekend with a goal that resembled Maradona's Hand of God.

England fans must be having Vietnam-style flashbacks.
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Friday, June 8, 2007

You Ate All The Pies

Welcome to the Deuce's first soccer roundup of the offseason, you fat bastard. Yeah we have internationals all summer but they're just good for exaggeration, hyperbole and humiliation. I'm looking at you, Enguhland.

Fish Don't Burn In The Kitchen, Beans Don't Burn On The Grill

It was all cute and shit when Bud screamed "King Me!" as he worked Cliff in checkers on the Cosby Show. It'll be funnier when David "Goldenballs" Beckham screams the same when he receives his knighthood. It'll also be pathetic when you realize that Bud's pre-teen voice is higher than Beckham's.

Becks is in line to receive a knighthood for his role in securing the 2012 Olympics for London and his charity work which includes saving England's ass in the Euro 2008 qualifiers.

Congrats on dodging your chav destiny, Goldenballs. You and Skeletor Spice are no longer like school on a Saturday. Nothing says arrived like a scepter and a deluxe apartment in the sky or the Home Depot Center.

Who Ate All The Pies?

That's what poor Aussie international Mark Viduka will be asking after he's introduced to the Toon faithful. Viduka is the newest Newcastle addition after signing a two-year deal on Thursday.

"I am over the moon. I am really happy. The main thing that attracted me to the club was that it is moving towards making more Magpies which I love to eat."

"What do you mean it's just the team nickname? What do you mean it's not even a pie let along food? Why the fuck did I leave Boro? Crickey, their gelatinous meat pies were to die for."
Maybe he didn't say that last part but I do find it strange that Michael Owen is trying to pull the Irish goodbye from Newcastle. It's not even about the Newcastle girls who are so ugly they could make an onion cry. His numerous injury woes make him a gimpy target if Viduka goes on a hungry rampage like a pack of wild dogs on an antelope. It's gonna get all Planet Earth at St. James Park.
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