Friday, April 13, 2007

Beer Pong Is A Sport, Right?

Those old Michael Jordan/Larry Bird Commercials have nothing on this guy. He's got no CGI here, barely has a camera really. This is what champion beer pong players are made of. No effing way anyone would ever play with this dude.

We have RPS leagues, we have Pillow Fighting...where is the beer pong league? Well, actually, its RIGHT HERE. Someone needs to sign this guy in the video up for the World Series of Beer Pong. He's the Tiger Woods of Beirut, the game not the country. That $20,000 is all his...wait...TWENTY FRIGGIN THOUSAND DOLLARS?

How on EARTH did the Deuce miss this event? To double my agony, its in casino in Mesquite, Nevada, not quite Adult Disney World, The Happiest Place on Earth, but hey, its a mere 80 miles away from it and with 4 casinos to choose from there's plenty o' gambling to satisfy my inner Gamblor. Cripes! Mustafa, Trapper, if you're reading this, we're signing up for next year. You know you wanna get these hotties drunk.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Oi. Oz. Attention Must Be Paid.

For reasons we can't begin to understand, we received the following note from Shane Watson this evening. The opinions contained therein are entirely his.
Oi. Shane here. I've had a decent amount of time on my hands lately, what with my wonky calf. And while I'm getting buff for my big return -- watch out, Lankans! -- you can't spend all your time in the nets. Or in the weight room. The mental training is important, too. Least that's what Punter says. Me, I'd rather be lifting. Can't stay fit unless I add 30% more mass. But you gotta keep Skip happy.

So I've been relaxing. Drinking Red Stripe and reading the blogs in the baths at the Cricket Australia 3 Mobile/Victoria Bitter ICC World Cup Training Facility. Men sauna in corporate sauna, I guess. That's what Punter always says. Not sure waht it means. But whatever. Anyway, Punter reco'ed that I read the blogs while I took the treatment. Said they keep you angry. They just confuse me, though.

For example. These knobs keep harping on me just because I've had a string of bad luck. Folks don't seem to care that I'm out of the XI. But all these bloggers can't say enough about that pretty boy Boer AB De Villiers. Guy doesn't even have a proper name. Like Shane. Or Mike. Or Steve. Aussie names, mate. Strong. Relentless. I mean, I work my abs as much as my lats or quads. But I don't need to name myself after them. That's crass.

Anyway, this AB is the darling of the bloggers. "Achingly talented." Whatever. It's funny. What these bloggers don't get is that the Saffers would have beat us a couple weeks ago thanks to Baby AB if it weren't fo me. Yeah, me. Because AB was having the best innings of the bloody World Cup before I threw him out. From 40 meters. Long leg. One stump to hit from long leg. And I did it. If I didn't do it, AB wasn't getting out. No way. Would've been not out for 250. Those bloggers are right. The guy is all that. AB is the best young player out there. 'Cept me. Cause I got him. Me. Shane.

Right. So don't forget it. You need me, Oz.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007 Redirect

Some wiseacre out there apparently has bought and then made it immediately redirect to the Rutgers Womens Basketball Website**. I'm not sure if that's brilliant, funny, or just wrong...but I'm posting it anyway to let you know and you decide.

The Deuce is staying out of this Imus/Rutgers/Sharpton battle for the most part. Whitlock had probably the best take on it today. All the Deuce will do is let Imus speak for himself below...

**UPDATE: 4/25 It Appears as if the owners of the domain have now sent the link to a Youtube Video of "Fry That Chicken" interspersed with shots of Don Imus himself. Ohhh and it keeps going.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

The Run And Shooter's A Hard Offense To Master

When it comes to beating wives and the run and the shoot, Warren Moon's the Deuce's Man. Canadian Football Hall of Famer through and through. When it comes to drunk driving, not so much.

Moon was arrested for investigation of drunken driving in Kirkland, Washington after being stopped for speeding.

Haywood Jeffries, Webster Slaughter, Drew Hill and Ernest Givens would be proud. He's still got moves.

Touchdown United!!!

Who says the Amish don't have a positive effect on Manchester United? The proof was in the Champions League match between Manchester United and Roma at Old Trafford earlier today. United was down 2-1 after the first leg in Rome and needed a winning result and at least a 2-0 result (I think cause I can't add too good) to go through to the semi-finals.

Sir Alex Ferguson threw the Romans for a loop by ignoring goals and scoring a touchdown in one of the most stunning Champions League results in recent memory. United won 7-1 and advanced to the semifinals where they await the winner of the Bayern Munich - AC Milan match tomorrow.

Girlie man Cristiano Ronaldo and overpriced Michael Carrick scored two apiece. Leeds reject Alan Smith, Wayne Rooney and Patrice Evra each had one to finish the beatdown and send Totti and his Ciao boys back to Rome and their mamas on their lime green Vespas.

Of course, this doesn't change the fact that they'll still end up losing the league, FA Cup and Champions League to....

Alouette Chelsea Alouette

All hail the Special One. Admittedly Mustafa was nervous going into the second leg of the other Champions League quarterfinal match between Chelsea and Valencia. It was 1-1 after the first leg but the Mestalla is a tough place to play during Champions League and Valencia have shown they have what it takes to win the competition.

After a first half dominated by flashes of Valencia brilliance and a goal by Liverfool reject Fernando Morientes, Chelsea stepped their game up in the second half and leveled the match after a goal by Andriy Shevchenko.

The match appeared to be headed for extra time and possible penalties when Michael Essien, in his first match back from injury, slammed a winner past Santiago Canizares to put the famous CFC through to the semifinals where they are likely to meet their CL nemesis Liverpool who have a 3-0 lead on PSV going into tomorrow's second leg.

Monday, April 9, 2007

Ken Griffey's Disease Strikes Rugby Star

Ken Griffey Disease is what we have. It's not who we are.

That's right. They may be overpaid and underworked but victims of Ken Griffey's Disease are just like you and me...if we had houses with stripper poles, cars with 22s, a ho in every city and a multimillion dollar bank account.

The most recent victim is South Sydney captain David Kidwell who took a dive at a barbie and twisted his leg in order to avoid crushing his two-year old daughter. He ruptured his cruciate and medial ligaments and is out for the season.

"I don't blame her in any way. It's just a freak accident. I look forward to telling the story at her 21st (birthday), how she took her old man out."
Kidwell had no comment on rumors that he was going to feed his daughter to a bunch of Tasmanian Devils or make her work off his missed salary for the season in the salt mines of Tasmania.

Team owner Russell Crowe, who was at the cookout, was rumored to have shown a thumbs down and released his pack of dingos on Kidwell who was rolling around in agony.

New Zealand national rugby coach Brian McClennan was good enough to keep things in perspective.
"And there's a note going out to all players as we speak: that there's no to be no more barbecues from now on."

Fellow Griffey's Disease sufferer Brian Griese offered his support and words of advice.
"I remember when I took a dive in Terrell Davis' driveway and fell over a dog. People said I was shitfaced and drank enough to down a wildebeest. Instead of saying I was a Griffey's Disease sufferer, I hid my shame and said I wasn't drunk. I wish I had the courage to come out and admit that it didn't determine who I was. My dad did. Kiddy can get over this and has to come out and learn Australia."

Godspeed Kiddy godspeed.

IFL vs. WCL: Who Wins?

Ok, so you're probably looking above and saying, "Huh?". I know I would, but bear with me. Most likely due to the success of UFC and Pride fighting (and the sad state of boxing as we know it) there are now 2 different fighting "leagues" that are competing against each other. When I say league, I mean that there are teams of fighters, representing cities, states or regions, fighting for not just individual glory but team glory as well. Kinda like your high school wrestling team that wanted to beat all the other high schools for states.

These leagues are the World Combat League and the International Fight League. If you like hard hitting team sports but all thats on tv is baseball, these look like the place to go for all the hellacious ass-kicking one man needs to enjoy his Monday night.

But what is the discerning team sport and individual combat lover to do when they have to choose between the leagues? The Deuce is here to help with a breakdown of both leagues. We will figure out which one has the most to offer a fan who needs yet another team to root for in this crowded sports landscape.

Who Started This Extreme Awesomeness?
WCL - Chuck Norris started it in 2005. 'Nuff said.
IFL - Kurt Otto and Gareb Shamus...who? Otto is an architect and real estate developer and Shamus is founder and Chairman of Wizard Entertainment Group...a comic book related company.
ADVANTAGE: WCL - Come on, freakin Chuck Norris man! You cant not choose Chuck, Chuck Norris has two speeds: "kill" and "fuck your girlfriend".

Where Can I Show Up & Watch This With My Face Painted?
WCL - WCL currently has 8 teams, broken into two, 4 team conferences. The East (NY, Philly, Miami, & "New England") and the West (Oklahoma, Texas, Houston, and Los Angeles). Texas is so into its former ranger it needs two teams.
IFL - IFL currently has 12 teams (LA, Tokyo, New York, Portland, "Quad Cities", Seattle, Southern California [apparently different than LA], Reno, Toronto, Tuscon, San Jose, & Chicago) with no conference or divisional system in place.
ADVANTAGE: IFL - You gotta love a league with International in its title that actually is international. While its east coast presence leaves something to be desired with just two teams on the right side of the Mississippi (one being in Canada), you certainly have more to choose from.

Who Has The Most Ass-Kicking Team Names?
WCL - Went relatively safe with the team names, the most vicious and ass kicking of which is the Oklahoma DESTROYERS. Literally every other team name I seem to remember from Arena Soccer or Major Indoor Lacrosse...
IFL - Actual use of animals in team names! What a concept! More new teams/leagues should kick it old school this way. My favorite, you know it has to be the SILVERBACKS. Its a monkey you idiot.
ADVANTAGE: IFL - This league features team names you can actually have a mascot for instead of a mere concept like "Force". How do you have a mascot for a team named "Force"??

Which Has The Fighters That Can KILL In The Ring?
WCL - Every fighter has a nickname from Lawson “Meet Your Maker” Baker to Rami "Arabian Nightmare" Ibrahim, but not many people in this league you might recognize from first glance. Its all about the teams and NO ONE is bigger than the team...except CHUCK NORRIS, the most famous fighter in the league that doesn't ever fight.
IFL - Stars are abound in this league, but not in the form of th
e fighters, its from their famous coaches/instructors including: Pat Miletich, Renzo Gracie, Marco Ruas, and of course Ken & Frank Shamrock.
ADVANTAGE: IFL - In two leagues that are lacking in "name" fighters, the IFL brings the PAIN with the star coaches that in a pinch can kill ANYONE.

Which League Has Some Hotties For My Over Testosteroned Soul?
The women are not in the ring holding signs, they're fighting! You too can witness a cat-fight of epic proportions versus Jeri “Fists of Fury” Sitzes and Virginia "Jinny" Baker.
IFL - The women ARE in the ring holding signs...and they're pretty
ADVANTAGE: PUSH - Some like to watch women fight each other and jiggle...others like to watch women pose and smile while holding signs and jiggle. Tough call really.

What Channels Can I Watch Someone Bleed On TV?
Has a deal with Versus...formerly the Outdoor Life Network. This and the NHL are the biggies for this network
IFL - Has a deal with Fox Sports Network and My Network TV.
ADVANTAGE: IFL - You can watch this from your trailer with just a simple antenna if you wish.

Which Can Someone Actually Die In?
WCL - No Throws, No Takedowns, No Ground Fighting, No Clinching, No Holding, No Stalling, No Passivity. Its all strikes (Kicking, Punching and Kneeing) and no wrestling.
IFL - No elbows to the head, No kicking the head of downed opponent, No head butts, No groin strikes, No eye-gouging, No strikes to spine, No strikes to back of the head. Other than that, its anything goes, strikes or wrestling.
ADVANTAGE: IFL - Seems to follow the MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) formula that fans of fighting seem to love with UFC and Pride fighting. WCL just seems to be a glorified kickboxing league.


Its not even close, the IFL is apparently the place to be to watch people get their bodies (unfortunately not skulls) kicked in despite the WCL having Chuck Norris. Badass team names, famous ultimate fighters from the past, and you can watch it all without pay-per view or even a cable connection. I am going to root for my Sliverbacks to dominate this year in the IFC...maybe even buy a t-shirt.

Sunday, April 8, 2007

Have $8.9 Million to Burn?

Dwayne Wade has put his 11,000+ sq. ft. house up for sale in Miami and it is one hell of a pad. Your $8.9 million dollars gets you all of the artwork, furniture, memorabilia and STD's (if THIS rumor was true) that he's leaving behind in the place. get this fancy ass pool

You'd better believe if I'm buying this place, I'm draining and bleaching that primordial cesspool of a hot tub before I get in it.

Check out all the pictures of how someone far richer than you lives HERE