Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Don't Even Ask About His Left Nut

Although you might not be crazy about it at first, you're going to see plenty more cricket posts here at the Deuce, because A) a wise man once said that niche blogging is the key to increased readership, and we're all about massaging our demographics to eventually make mad AdWords loot; B) aside from our long-term financial planning, I actually love cricket; C) the Cricket World Cup in the West Indies is just around the corner, and; D) because the world of cricket, far from resembling the stereotype of a starchy reserve of cucumber-sandwich eaters, is fucking insane.

Don't believe me? Meet Jacob Oram. Oram is a New Zealand all-rounder (that is, a player who is reasonably effective as both a batsman and a bowler. Not many good analogies in baseball, but think Livan Hernandez.) who has really come into his own in the last few months, and was one of the stars of the recent tri-series between NZ, Australia, and England. If NZ are going to have a serious run at the World Cup title, they need Oram to be healthy, especially in light of his outstanding recent batting form. Unfortunately, Oram busted his left ring finger making a catch against Australia earlier in the month, and the pain is threatening to sideline him through the big tourney. But Jacob's got a solution: if the finger is hurting, just cut off the finger.

Desperate to take part in the World Cup, New Zealand all-rounder Jacob Oram has said he would seriously consider amputating his injured ring finger to make it to the Caribbean for the mega event.

Oram, who broke his finger during the Chappell-Hadlee Trophy match, said he was not sure how his finger was healing under the protective strapping.

"The plan is get to the West Indies, whip it off and assess the inflammation... If it means cutting the finger off, if that's the worse-case scenario, if that's the last resort, I'll do that, there's no way I'm missing this," he was quoted as saying in the New Zealand media.

That, my friends, is hardcore. Byron Leftwich is a fucking pussy.

The Chocolate City Classic

Tiger Woods is bringing golf back to our nation's capital. The PGA and Tiger Woods' Foundation are currently in negotiations to bring golf back to the Washington DC area for the first time since...well, last year.

Currently, negotiations are ongoing with Congressional Country Club in Maryland, home of the 2011 US Open, to host the tournament. We here at the Deuce think Tiger needs to kill those talks and holla at Mayor Adrian Fenty. The event needs to be held inside DC at lovely East Potomac Park...otherwise known as Hains Point or the place where former Mayor, DC Councilman Marion "Mayor for Life" Barry, was once arrested for drug possession (no, not "Bitch set me up", this is a different arrest).

Built on a landfill, Hains Point is a peninsula on the south side of the environmentally savaged Tidal Basin that also happens to have a public golf course. It is more generally known as a popular nighttime hangout point for drug dealers and hooker hoes.

The Deuce feels that it is only right and just for Tiger and the rest of the field to play on a golf course in the nation's capital and not in Maryland. Not to mention in an area that represents what Washington DC is all about: filth, politics, drugs and prostitutes!

If the tournament should land in DC and not in Maryland, we suggest this trophy as a representation of excellence in the nation's capital. After all as they say, once you go black...

The Mayor's Cup, in honor of Hizzonor, Mayor for Life, Marion Barry.

Tiger Tiger Woods y'all.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Your Newest TruWarier Megastar

Continuing the Deuce's commitment to bring you the finest in relatively obscure Australian sports news, we sadly note that Brett Lee, Australia's most effective pace bowler (yes, you've stumbled into a post about cricket. Don't stop now, though -- there's a decent payoff) will miss the upcoming Cricket World Cup with an ankle injury. And while Lee's absence will severely hamper Australia's bid to three-peat on the world stage, it does free him up to focus on his . . . "music" career.

It's things like this that make us appreciate the simple native talent of Ron Artest, Shaq, and even the '86 Mets.

(Hat tip to Gentleman's Game No More.)

Pat Summitt Wants To Show You Something

Pat Summitt is planning "something special" for tonight's Florida/Tennessee game, ESPN is reporting, in a response to men's basketball coach Bruce Pearl painting himself for a women's basketball game earlier in the year.

We all unfortunately remember the bare-chested Pearl in full orange and blue glory screaming like a madman on the sidelines of the Lady Vols matchup with Duke:Seriously, we were all subjected to one half naked middle aged man, do we need another? Look at Ms. Summitt:
Yes, that is one sexy lady. She did say she was a the "7th and 8th grade". She is a long time removed from what MUST have been quite a highlight in the annals of cheerleading. If her sideline cheering was as motivational as her coaching, the teams she rooted for probably did quite well! They probably planted her under the opposing team's hoop so that both teams would want to run to the other side of the court as soon as possible, allowing all sorts of scoring opportunities.

Bruce Pearl said "I think America is going to see a side of Pat Summitt that they haven't seen in a long time." Summitt herself said the whole performance is going to be "a little out of character, a lot out of character actually."

We've seen a few of Summitt's cheerleading moves over the years, they include some of these gems.

Yes, she is a beaut. The first move i call "The Bob Dole". The 2nd, "Red Steel". Anyway, do we all really want to see her in this?

I think not. Bruce Pearl shouldn't have showed his pit hair to us all and neither should Pat Summitt.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

El Sex Cannon de Amor

The Big Lead beat us to the Tom Cruise joke but thank Jebus for the one they call Rextacy.

The Sex Cannon could have sent a warm warning shot clear around the world but it only had to go as far as Spain to get a response. It looks like the Spice Boy got his message loud and clear.

Don't get Rexy's style twisted. He's gonna take one for the team in order to lure Becks in close so he can bear down Chicago Bears style on Posh and show her his El train fueled by Gordon's Gin. Ramming speed indeed.

Beckham Photo: The Big Lead
Grossman Photo: Deadspin