Saturday, March 10, 2007

OJ and Evander To Open Detective Agency

Opening still available for white helicopter pilot who is comfortable wearing neckerchiefs and mesh shirts while maintaining his heterosexuality. Inquiries: [email protected]

While the search for Nicole's killer is a long-term project, the search to find out who set up Evander is a much shorter undertaking. Evander has decided to take it on himself to find out who linked his name with Applied Pharmacy in Alabama. Applied Pharmacy is part of a larger investigation into an internet steroid distribution ring.

“While I'm fairly certain I know how my name came up, I don't want to say anything more until I have all the facts, which I hope is just a matter of a few weeks,” Holyfield said in a statement. “At that time I'll release everything I know, no holds barred, and will be more than happy to respond to questions.”
Evander intends to conduct an inquiry to get all the facts so that means we'll have a bit of detective work combined with a Congressional-style hearing. The hearing should be fanfuckintastic if it mirrors the Sports Illustrated investigation.
...A patient by the name of "Evan Fields" caught investigators' attention. "Fields" shares the same birth date as Holyfield -- Oct. 19, 1962. The listed address for "Fields" was 794 Evander, Fairfield, Ga. 30213. Holyfield has a very similar address. When we called the phone number that, according to the documents, was associated with the "Fields" prescription, Holyfield answered.
We can't wait until he calls himself as a witness.

Evander: Please state yo' name for the record.
Evander: Evanda...I mean, wait, no Evanda...hol' up...Evan Fields.
Evander: When were you born?
Evander: October 19, 1962
Evander: That's when I was born too!
Evander: What's your address?
Evander: 794 Evander, Fairfield, Ga. 30213.
Evander: That's mah address too! I knew I seen you before! I seen you when I wake up and go to tha bafroom!"

Hopefully Evander will call a press conference to announce his findings.

"After lookin' into stuff and things, I found out that I didn't do nuthin'. Evan Fields proves that Evanda Holyfield is innocent. Now if you'll excuse me, I gots to go back to training myself for more brain damage...Waffles please."

There's Some Hoes In This House

Dave Meggett: We make sacred pact. I promise teach hooker pickup to you, you promise learn. I say, you do, no questions.

Richie Anderson: Bet.

The only thing that would make that exchange better would be You're The Best Around playing in the background.

Richie Anderson executed the equivalent of the crane kick on Thursday when he was arrested for solicitation after attempting to court an undercover police officer with a jar full of laundry quarters.

Ken Wisenhunt already has to be wondering whether taking the Arizona job was the right move. The first hint might have been the stadium named after a university that only exists online like Tron.

I guess the cop wasn't who Richie thought she was. Crown his dumb ass.

Eat Your Heart Out, David Seaman

Local. Late breaking. Here's your goal of last week.

Friday, March 9, 2007

Potential Disaster For UEFA

The leadup to today's Champions League draw was filled with suspense and intrigue as fans tried to figure out which English teams would be matched up with each other. Would it be Manchester United vs. Liverpool or Chelsea vs. Liverpool?

Wha? Neither? Chelsea arguably have the toughest task ahead of them as they face Valencia while Liverpool already have their tickets to the semis after being handed PSV who advanced thanks to Gooner incompetence. Bayern vs. AC Milan should be an interesting match with both teams hitting their strides late in the season while Manchester United should have the edge against Roma.

Quel dommage! One can imagine the nervousness at UEFA headquarters when today's draw for the quarterfinals resulted in no all-English matchups. There will definitely be heart palpitations if the final turns out to be an all-English affair. UEFA may have what they want if Man U loses to Roma. Chelsea could meet Liverpool in the semis which would happen if both sides win their respective fixtures. If all three sides win, we're almost guaranteed an all-English final in Athens.

They'll have to lock down all antiquities if Liverpool makes the final. However the sales of gyros will go through the roof and pay off the Athens Olympics. Hopefully the halftime show will involve Yanni, Nick Markakis and dancing souvlaki.

Click on the graphic for more details.

Graphic: Courtesy of our European connection American Scouser

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Your Inflight Movie: My Giant in 3-D

S.M.O.O.T. (I Thought It Was Me)

Yo, I love being the bachelor
Ricky said, yo that girl's a good catch for you
She and I choose to cruise in our sex boat
My water bed kept us afloat
I had to prove my manhood
Show her that the Sm-Double O-T was damn good, understood
I never had my boat rocked like that before, yo

Welcome back Fred Smoot. There's an open space by Sequoia for the Sex Boat.

P.S. The Skins also signed London Fletcher but let Derrick Dockery go to the Bills and released kicker John Hall. They may be in for Dre' Bly but they'll probably overpay for Terrell Buckley and still give up their first round draft pick to the Broncos because a chimp could out-GM...wait, out-VP for Football Operations Vinny Cerrato.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Titus Bramble's Roaster

Talk about game. Jesus Shuttlesworth ain't got shit on Titus Bramble. How he hasn't repped at the Players Ball is beyond us. The brotha is smoother than Peabo Bryson.

Only three short years ago, he was arrested for allegedly roasting a girl with seven other people and now he's mixed up with another rape case. Police interrogated the Newcastle defender (and we use the term defender quite loosely) after a woman claimed she was raped at his house while another person watched.

“A couple of girls were really flirting and dancing all round them and making it clear they were up for a party.”
Meet the new face of the Kenny Rogers Roasters ad campaign. Stay classy, Titus.

Champions League Round of 16 Roundup: Chelsea Makes Arsenal Its Bitch Again

No, you take it.
But I don't want it.
No, no I insist please.
Are you sure?
Oui, oui please. We don't want it.
Ok if you insist...Stupid frogs.

First Chelsea beat nine-man Arsenal in the Carling Cup final a week and a half ago and then Alex, who plays for PSV but is owned by Chelsea, gives Arsenal a goal only to come back and score the winner to knock them out of the Champions League. Oh and Thierry Henry is going the way of Barbaro. Not selling him last year was genius.

One could start comparing Arsenal to the 1991 UNLV team that lost to Duke. There have been countless matches this season where Arsenal have clearly been the dominant team and done everything it had to except score. Don't be surprised if you see pictures of Fiberglass, Little Mozart, Hleb and Adebayor smoking cigars in a pool with Brick Top or some other gangsters. You'll think it's a hot tub but you'll be wrong. It'll be Freddie Ljungberg making bubbles while sucking off some sheikh from the UAE. Keep it Cameldome.

Roy Maakay scored the fastest goal in Champions League history (11 seconds into the first half) and helped knock Real Madrid out on away goals. Capello's fucked and rightly so.

Man U beat Lille 1-0 on a Henrik Larsson goal to go through to the next round while Kaka and AC Milan saved Ireland from a national crisis of conscience by seeing to it that Celtic won't meet Liverpool in the quarterfinals.

In Tuesday's action, Chelsea beat Porto 2-1 to go through on a Michael Ballack goal. Yeah we can't believe ze German woke up either.

Liverpool managed to hold on despite a goal from the blonde Maradona and bounce last year's winners Barcelona.

Roma knocked Lyon out with a 2-0 result. A fucking amazing goal by Mancini. Lyon better get used to disappointment with Gerard Houllier in the house. If they think they're bummed now, wait until Emile Heskey shows up at their door. It's no damn good when a player has a song which goes "If Heskey can play for England, so can I".

Valencia ended Inter's Champions League dream and my CL pool. Fuck you very much. The highlight of this round had to be the fight at the end of the match which was fruitier than a Father MC video (Check the guy on the left at 4:25 and 4:34 - The Deuce loves you).

Here it is in its glory.

Everyone Knows It's Windies

On Monday, Mephistopheles linked to a fascinating Simon Wilde article in the Times making a powerful argument for electing to bat second when winning the toss in an ODI:

If past results in the Caribbean are anything to go by, it is going to be a chaser’s World Cup. The formula looks simple: win the toss, put in the opposition, hope the white ball swings in the early overs after the 9.30am start, and then bat second, when conditions are at their friendliest and the task is known.

Batting first is rarely easy when logic says you should make a big score, and the small grounds of the West Indies do look invitingly small. But how much is a big score? In such circumstances, it is not difficult to overreach, and a hoped-for 300 for five becomes a scrappy 250 for nine. Figures show 57% of all one-day internationals are won by the team batting second, and the figure is higher in matches in the West Indies.

It's remarkable how ripe cricket is for a sabermetric revolution. If, after two decades of ODIs, the data unequivocally shows that the team chasing a total is significantly more likely to win than the team that bats first, why do so many captains choose to bat after winning the toss? Because it looks like the pitch is going to deteriorate? Because they're unaware that chasing is statistically the smart move? Because they think that they're smarter than the numbers? I'm not saying that captains should blindly choose to field every time -- but the fact that they choose to bat first well over 40% of the time, despite the odds strongly favoring the team batting second, tells us that there's a market for Bill James to hire himself out as a consultant to the various cricket boards. I can envision the desi Theo Epstein now . . .

Anyway, this is all a longwinded way of getting to my original point, which is that Wilde -- while dead on about the statistical bias in favor of chasing -- is wrong when he says that the bias is stronger in the Windies. I crunched the numbers, and in the 144 ODIs played in the Windies that resulted in a winning team, the chasing team won 57.64% of the time. The numbers hold as true in the Windies as anywhere, which tells us something about how constant they are, and about how only a foolish captain would ignore them.

(I can't get the table to format correctly-- you can check out a Google spreadsheet detailing my research here.)

Sunday, March 4, 2007

The Harder They Come

He'll fight for freedom wherever there's trouble, Jake Plummer is there. Jake Plumm-er! A real American hero.

After years of blowing holes in Mike Shanahan's coaching reputation like a M18 Claymore, The Snake has thrown in the towel and retired from the NFL.

First, I want to thank my family and close friends for their loyal support all these fun-filled, roller-coaster years, Plummer said. Second, I owe all of my greatest achievements in football to the men who stood by my side as my teammates and coaches. Football has been awesome to me in many ways. I leave the game with my health and happiness, and look forward to the future; I've got many rivers to cross.
Wandering I am lost. What are his greatest achievements in football? I really wish someone would fill me in because I'm at a complete loss.

Selfish fuck. How dare he rob Tampa of such powerful facial hair?

He never gives up. He's always there. Fighting for freedom over land and air.
"Yes, that's it," Marilyn Plummer, Jake's mother, told The Denver Post when asked Friday if her son had retired. "I thought this would happen from the moment the season ended. He needs a break, but I foresee him doing something else. He's a lot like Pat Tillman. Pat would do something unexpected. Jake used to say, 'I wonder what Pat would have done next.' Jake is a lot like Pat. He has that same rebel soul."
Yes, that's it. Pat Tillman rebelled to go fight al-Qaeda while The Snake rebelled because he didn't want to go to Tampa. It's a shit city but at least it's warm and the strip clubs are on point. Mama Snake would probably call Eric Crouch a rebel.

I bet The Snake's planning to oil himself up and drop into Darfur like Rambo to single-handedly kill President Bashir and every member of the Janjaweed. That's what Pat Tillman would have done next if his own guys didn't kill him and cover it up. Then again he quoted Jimmy Cliff so that means he's probably dressing up like
Dude Love, snapping hits from the bong and gassing up the VW van to drive to Burning Man and Bonnaroo.