Friday, January 4, 2008

Beers Around The NFL Playoffs

The NFL playoffs start this weekend and we at the Deuce cannot be more excited. The playoffs are a time when we can actually watch every game on television and see the best of the best duke it out for a chance at the championship. The only beverage one should be consuming during this festive time is, of course, beer. So lets take a look at the 12 NFL playoff teams and the beer that best represents the cities/states/districts they are in. If you can actually find all 12 of these near you, get them, and drink them all this weekend with their corresponding games.

lets start out with the NFC...

Dallas Cowboys
Shiner Bock
A somewhat decent beer but a poor imitation of an actual German Boch beer. Sorta what you'd expect a Cowboys fan to drink since its from Texas and Texans love all things Texas and think that Texas is better than the rest of the union let alone the world...but we all know it isn't and neither are the Cowboys. It tries to be classier than most American macrobrews but in reality its not that much different than the rest. Easy to go down and more flavorful than most macrobrews but when compared to all beers out there, its not that special at all. Drink it cold from a tap and you probably will do fine for yourself.

Green Bay Packers
Miller Lite
Yes, we all know this beer. This is the beer you graduated to after you totally realized that Milwaukee's Best and PBR sucked high school. This is your college beer and hopefully you don't drink it anymore because once you left school you had money and could afford a real beer. But if you do drink it, you know what to expect. Virtually no flavor, goes down like water, takes a lot to get you drunk but allows you to do a nice slow burn to total unconsciousness with enough effort. You have to drink an equal amount of beers as years Brett Favre has played in the NFL to really get your evening going...and you will.

Seattle Seahawks
Red Hook ESB
Now this is a classier beer here. Not a major brewer, its made in Washington, which means they can actually take the time to make a more complex beer since its not in super mega ultra mass production. Has a sweet and hoppy flavor and pours a copper/orange color and will satisfy you for a nice long evening of drinking. Its a good beer, typical of the Pacific Northwest breweries and Seattle fans should be proud to drink this beer, but like the team, it beat out a weak field to get this distinction.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Bud Light
They dont really brew much beer in Florida. There is the Florida brew company but I cant say I've ever had their beers or heard of it. When I think of Tampa Bay I think of one thing, stripclubs. For my strip club dollar there is only one beer I drink. Bud Light. Nothing goes better with that strip club stank than a nice watery beer that won't get you so drunk that you'd do anything stupid in the club...and won't cost you an arm and a leg with the strip club's beer tax added on to it. Plus Jeff Garcia's wife is a former Playboy playmate which means she stripped naked on at least one occasion. So cheers Tampa fans, drink your Buds with shame heavy in your heart. You are a town of strip clubs and strippers and your beer reflects you.

New York Giants
Brooklyn Lager
The unofficial beer of NYC and for good reason, this beer is a little gem of the US microbrewery world and a pretty good lager. Great complex flavor, full body, its an excellent example of how a lager should be made but something is missing, its still not an amazing beer, just a good one. Add it all up and its above average, much like the Giants. Has all the pieces to be a very good beer, but something is still missing to make it stand out above the entire league. Sure it looks good in its division, even its conference, but its not about to win the championship anytime soon.

Washington Redskins
Dominion Ale
Washington DC doesn't really have a brewery to call its own, at least not an operating one, but due to its close proximity to Virginia and Maryland the city does have a few beers to choose from which it can adopt as its own. For this exercise I guess we'll choose the old standard, Dominion Ale brewed right near Redskins HQ in Ashburn, VA. Its another quality microbrew with all sorts of flavor that sits on your mouth for awhile. Like the Redskins you don't know exactly how good it is until its finished.

and now for the AFC...

New England Patriots
Sam Adams Boston Lager
I mean, can there be another beer to choose for this team? This beer was at one time critically acclaimed but has since kinda sold out to become quite corporate and mass produced which is quite obviously shown in its flavor. Like the Patriots, the beer's acclaim is a bit tainted with controversy, no it wasn't a videotape scandal, but a ballot stuffing scandal at the Great American Beerfest where it won best beer in America many times a bit suspiciously.

Indianapolis Colts
Three Floyds Dark Lord Russian Imperial Stout
Indiana also doesn't have a lot of breweries, but one of the beers this state produces is widely considered one of the best in the world. It is thick with what seems to be a thousand different flavors hitting the mouth at once. Coffee, molasses, malt, chocolate, fruits, wood, nuts, hops all come to tongue and mind when drinking this beverage. It is truly one of the best beers created anywhere at anytime. The Super Bowl champion Indianapolis Colts (for another month at least) should be watched and savored with this beer along side. Get it while you can though, its not around much and who knows when it'l be back.

San Diego Chargers
Arrogant Bastard Ale
This beer, like the Chargers, could be one of the best beers in its league but it isn't. Actually some of the other Bastard beers are actually far better, but this one just gets around a lot more. Anyway, its got quite a rich flavor and you wont be disappointed drinking it. The same can't be said for watching the Chargers, one week they look unstoppable, the next week they get stopped. If it weren't for their arrogant bastard GM switching coaches last year they might be taken a lot more seriously. Sure no one has won with Marty, but NO ONE wins with Norv.

Pittsburgh Steelers
Iron City Beer
Now this is a craptacular beer in the Milwaukee's Best vein of beers only somehow different and in my opinion worse. You know what you're getting with this beer though, its a working man's beer, nothing complex to think about with it as you just pound it and get it over with. There is no finesse here which is a perfect comparison to the Steelers game. They run it, they use play action, they have fundamentally solid defense. You know what you're getting and they give it to you. Sometimes, that's all a guy can want.

Jacksonville Jaguars
Natural Light
Again, the lack of Florida beers makes this difficult. So, because David Garrard might not be effective for the first round of the playoffs with his ankle and the crappy Steelers field might slow them down, I feel like this team is a bit watered down from what it could be. Jacksonville as a city is the most populated one in the state and one of the most populated cities in the country, but no one considers it a real city. All of that put together is like what I think of Natural Light. It sells a lot, but its not really a real beer, its quite watered down so it tastes like beer water. Its just pure nastiness and while it is technically beer, it really isnt. Its just suck in a can.

Tennessee Titans
Steel Reserve 211 High Gravity
Like a few other teams, this team's state has no beer to call it's own and since I've never been there, I'm just going to have to pick one so Steel Reserve it is. Why? Well because this beer is horrendous but it gets the job done. Luckily its sold in 40 ounces and once you get halfway through the bottle you cant even taste it anymore since your body's natural defense mechanisms kick in and save you from having to suffer through it anymore...but MAN will it get you shit-faced. What I am saying is, like the Titans, its shit, but it works.

Hockey Players Should Not Try Comedy

Some people were born to be comedians, Chicago Blackhawks defenseman James Wisniewski is not one of them. He shows his lighter side in this mini-movie entitled "Don't Quit Your Day Job" where he plays the role of the caretaker of a hotel. I'm not sure if this is an ad, a school project, a favor or what but it goes on entirely too long. This begs the question of why I am posting it? The answer is because the Deuce doesn't really give much time to hockey and this is sadly one of the most interesting things we've seen to post about the sport...even if it is a train wreck. Um...enjoy?

Let The Games Begin...

The World Series of Beer Pong is currently underway in Las Vegas at the South Point Casino. You can read all about some of the goings on from the first day here in the blog of a guy named "The Champ" from the team Saddam's Model Home, a wonderful pull from the now cancelled but never forgotten Arrested Development.

There are 295 other poorly wittily named teams participating this year with 16 teams currently tied for first place with records of 6-0 after the first day of competition. Two more days of this contest are left for one team to win the $50,000 first place prize.

Everyone loves a good drinking game and even if this does have the possibility of being the worlds biggest frat party I cannot help but wish I and all of the Deuce members could be out there with them drinking beer for the chance to win money. Ladies and gentlemen, what the fuck is more American than that?

The Constitutional Vol. "Its Friday B*tches!"

Some pretty crazy comments from our Republican candidates roundup that we did yesterday, people certainly are passionate about politics. Don't worry, we'll have a post on the Democrats soon enough. It is Friday though, so we might as well head into the weekend with a bang and a dump of links for everyone...Welcome to the Constitutional.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Kevin Durant Is Havin A Party

Kevin Durant is finally coming back to his home, the DC Metro Area, and is throwing a party for his return. The Sonics play the Wizards at the phone booth on Sunday January 6th and the party is on Friday night so this gives young mister Durant plenty of time to recuperate after imbibing all night long. Wait, Kevin Durant was born in September of 1988...this means he cannot even drink legally in this club? This means he can just dance and eat?? We must get pictures of him boozing it up, we'll give away a random box of poop to someone who gets us some photos.

If you didn't see it on the post twice already, "LADIES ARE FREE ALL NIGHT", which means this party is one huge sausage fest waiting to happen. You know its gonna be packed with dudes from 9-11, eating that complimentary buffet and waiting for the "hordes" of women who are supposed to show up.

Remember, the Deuce is sadly going to be busy this evening so if anyone can get us photos of this event, we've got prizes to send to you. Well, a prize, a random box of poop we'll call it. Just make sure they're good photos.

My Prediction For The Election? Kane!

Wonkette reports that WWE wrestler Kane has endorsed Paultard #1 Ron Paul.

Stories like this gives us...well me the chance to touch on other subjects outside the world of sports such as politics. If you have any interest in politics or a sadomasochistic streak, Wonkette is a required visit several times a day for a generally humorous look at the assclowns and hacks who run this country.

It's usually a clusterfuck when the worlds of sports and politics collide. There are exceptions but the loudest ones (see Curt Schilling) are usually the reason why people say athletes and other entertainers should stay out of politics. This is said as though the average person or politician is that much more intelligent. Elections aren't contests for the most qualified. They're glorified popularity contests for power-hungry/delusional people who are about stuff, things and whatever you're for. Enter Kane.

“Over the next year or so, many different people are going to tell you which presidential candidate to vote for. I’m not qualified to do that (and, in reality, neither is anyone else), but I would like to explain why I support and am going to vote for Congressman Ron Paul. [I'm going to tell you who to vote for anyway.]

...If you aren’t concerned about any of these things, you’ll have plenty of choices for President in 2008. If, on the other hand, you would like to see the IRS eliminated and the income tax ended, a return to sound money and the end of inflation, and a President who takes his oath to defend the Constitution and the Bill of Rights seriously, then Dr. Ron Paul is your only choice.

It’s not just a catch phrase; Ron Paul is Hope for [white] America.”

Well this endorsement means nothing when you put it up against Ric "WOOOO!" Flair and Chuck Norris' endorsement of Mike Huckabee.

Every candidate should have a pro sports endorsement. We've gone through the trouble of matching them up with someone from the world of sports so they can spend more time telling you that showing up and being in the same building means more foreign policy experience and that atheists, agnostics and non-Christians are on their own when the homeland is attacked in Iraq. 9/11!

We'll start off the Republican endorsements today and bring you the Democratic endorsements tomorrow.

Mitt Romney - Bobby Petrino/Nick Saban

Mitt gets the two for one here. What better says I'll tell you whatever you want to hear but don't trust a word I say because you can bet I'll change than the endorsements of Atla...Arkansas head coach Bobby Petrino and Miam...Alabama head coach Nick Saban?

Ron Paul - Jerry Glanville

Yeah he has Kane but Jerry Glanville works on so many levels. Both are batshit crazy and have no discernible talent. Paul has gotten lucky due to the existence of thousands of idiots who would have thrown their weight behind Nader if he were around yet most can't tell you what he's about besides Iraq.

Paultard #1 hangs out with Stormfront, wants to get rid of most federal agencies and thinks we can dump the federal income tax without having a plausible alternative.

Glanville got lucky with Warren Moon, Haywood Jeffries, Drew Hill and Ernest Givens. He left tickets for Elvis during every game he coached and dressed like an off-brand Johnny Cash. He was a disaster as a studio commentator but he did have Pigskin Footbrawl. I assume Ron Paul's game would team up Kane, Ric Flair and Stromfront as they cruise the country in an RV hunting down black people. Surviving the Game on wheels if you will.

Duncan Hunter - Jerry Tarkanian

All Hunter needs to do is start chewing on a towel. As Trapper John points out, neither have seen a bribe they haven't liked. Anderson Hunt and the Mafia are to The Tark as Duke Cunningham and Brent Wilkes are to Hunter.

All we need to see is a picture of Hunter hanging out in a hot tub with Duke, Wilkes and a couple defense contractors a few weeks before the contractors get a massive no-bid contract from DoD. You sit here and tell me that UNLV really lost that game against Duke. That was possibly one of the biggest fixes in NCAA history. Well besides the one orchestrated by Dion Lee and Dewey Williams.

Fred Thompson - Marv Levy

Yes they're very old and very white but they also have the same trait of being absolutely useless in power. Senator Thompson would often be caught sleeping under his table or in the cloakroom while GM Levy was busy doing nothing except digging in his Depends over and over again. He did take the Bills $10 million under the cap but forgot that he had the money or he sent it to Sani Abacha's son in Nigeria.

Thompson has never done anything except be a yes man during Watergate. It's not clear if he remembers what he's running for.

"Senator, where do you stand on immigration reform?"
"Why I go in and out of comas all the....French toast please!"

Alan Keyes - Darren Daulton

Now go to If They Only Knew on Nuff said.

Mike Huckabee - Wayne Fontes

Oh don't let the poll surge and sweet talk fool you. Oh Huck's damn charming but he's a certifiable wack job too. When he's not quarantining people with AIDS or Pakistanis, he's taking back the country for Christ. Wait until more stories about his beliefs come out.

There are only a few in sports so detached from reality. Hah? One is former Detroit Lions head coach Wayne Fontes. Nothing fazed him. He met constant defeat, disappointment and the threats of thousands of fans with a smile Corky would have loved. He always had a cheery demeanor and warm smile. Either he was that tough or he was about as aware as a kid who chugged lead paint for 10 years.

Rudi Giuliani - Bill Belicheck

This has nothing to do with going undefeated. It has everything to do with being a prick and being a cheat...The wife thing not Spygate. Then again it doesn't seem Belicheck would be stupid enough to appoint some equivalent to Bernie Kerik to a coordinator position or recommend him for a position in the league office. You know you done fucked up when they take your name off the jail.

John McCain - Drew Bledsoe

Both know what it's like to undergo intense mental and physical torture. McCain was held and tortured as a POW by the Vietcong while Bledsoe got wrecked by Mo Lewis and then had to endure the success of Tom Brady and Tony Romo.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Ain't That A Kick In The D--k

Hey Zhang Bin, we want you to you to be the face of our new network to over a billion people! How's that sound? What if we also made you the face of our Olympic coverage?? Sound good? Yeah? Now what if we throw in a pissed-off wife? Whose wife? Yours!

It's one thing being shamed in front of milllions like Hawaii's offensive line. It's another to be called out and made to look like an assclown by your wife in front of hundreds of millions.

Zhang Bin was in the midst of relaunching CCTV-5 as the Olympics Channel when his wife crashed the set, grabbed his mike and read him the riot act for allegedly having an affair. She then compared his adulterous behavior to China's poor human rights record.

Only two hours earlier, she said, she'd discovered his "improper relationship."

And as Zhang stood open-mouthed, uncertain what to do, she bravely coupled his infidelity with her country's poor human rights record.

"Today is a special day for the Olympics Channel, it's a special day for Zhang Bin, and it's a special day for me too," she said.

...Fighting off attempts to remove her, she said: "That French foreign diplomat also said that until China is able to start exporting its values, it won't be able to become a great power." "Yet Zhang Bin can't even face up to his own hurt wife. I think China, to succeed as a great power...

"Don't any of you have any conscience? Let go of me! We're very far from being a great country."
Zhang figured he was in the clear thanks to the government's oppressive censorship but no such luck. Video was posted on Chinese websites but was then moved to international websites like YouTube after the Chinese government removed them from the Chinese sites.

Play on, playa. Play on.

Learn Them Kids Real Good

Oh well. Too bad Christmas is already gone. You might be able to squeeze in a Kwanzaa gift or wait until Chinese New Year. It's never too early to start teaching your kids life lessons. Get them this gift that will help your little buckeroo learn how to act before every life event.

Soon to follow: An entire team dancing on a logo and the Late Hit/Personal Foul line.

Aggies Fan Digs For Gold

One should always be aware that when they are out in public or, say, at a football game that cameras might just be watching you. Maybe that is us being paranoid, but it would have served this gentleman well to not be caught on national television digging for gold...then eating it. Ew...