Friday, September 14, 2007

Ayo I'm Tired Of Using Technology

So let me get this straight. Maybe I'm just a bit slow but I have a good reason. For some unknown and unjustifiable reason, I listened to Stephen A. Smith's take on Stephon Marbury's testimony on his radio show yesterday. I feel like I huffed enough glue to put down a gang of 50 Brazilian street kids. I've heard more rational thought from a mule.

Anyway, I digress. Roger Goodell has passed judgment. $500,000 for Belichick, $250,000 for the Patriots and a loss of a first-round draft pick only if the Pats don't make the playoffs? How the hell is that fair? A larger fine would be a good start as well as a loss of a first, second and third round pick. A multi-game suspension would have been appropriate as well.

"I specifically considered whether to impose a suspension on Coach Belichick," Goodell also wrote. "I have determined not to do so, largely because I believe that the discipline I am imposing of a maximum fine and forfeiture of a first-round draft choice, or multiple draft choices, is in fact more significant and long-lasting, and therefore more effective, than a suspension."
Besides an out of pocket expense, the Pats have just gotten away with robbery. There's no reason he couldn't have added a suspension as well as taken away draft picks and fined Belichick and the club.

Perhaps the Commish should look to F1 for a guide on how to bring the hammer of justice down on perpetrators.

The World Motor Sports Council fined the McLaren team $100 million and took away all their constructors' points after being nailed for spying on rival team Ferrari. McLaren may even face more punishment for the 2008 season.

Would a comparable punishment be warranted in the case of the Patriots and especially Belichick? It would. Maybe they could start the rest of their games this season 14 points down. I'd be fine with them being forced to start Junior Seau, the mascot or Ted Kennedy at QB for a half to be decided by the opposing team.

Joe Montana Was 12.3% Less Rich Last Month

Joe Montana is a partner in an investment firm called HRJ Capital LLC (Ronnie Lott and Harris Barton are also a partners) and he, like thousands of other far more poor souls, was adversely affected by the collapse of subprime mortgage lending industry. The firm's Legends Multi-Strategy Plus Fund has a pool of $1.75 billion but lost 12.3% of its equity in just the first two weeks of August (Standard & Poor's 500 Index lost 6.7 percent) attributable mostly to the repercussions of this major financial crisis.

Let us all cry a little river for Mr. Montana as we all know that this guy loves his money. He might have to cut back on the caviar and Cristal for a little bit while his financial peoples sort this all out. Perhaps he should do what he has done before and give his name to a brand of wine and sell case of it for $210,000?

From and BloggingStocks and California Wine and Food Magazine

Wayne Rooney's Cougar Vol. II

We got more soccer news than you can shake a stick at so youse get another wrap-up. Oh happy day.

Bring Me The Head Of Gérard Depardieu

It never gets old. What's that you ask? France losing. That's money. France losing to Scotland twice. Priceless.

Scotland should demand the head of Nicholas Sarkozy, Bernard-Henri Lévy or Gérard Depardieu. At the least they should be awarded part of Alsace-Lorraine or at least a city like Toulouse or Nice. Imagine Nice being overrun by a bunch of pale, drunken Scots with beer gunts wanting to deep fry everything in sight. Let's see Puffy try to keep them out of his White Party or off his rental yacht.

Video courtesy of RD

I See Rome, I see France, I see some Danes in....Goddamn Look At Them Titties!

Those Chinese will sure go to any end to make a buck or win. Whether it's counterfeiting goods, leadin' up your toys or stealing plays, they'll make sure they win at any cost. Just ask the Danes.

The Danish World Cup women's team have asked FIFA to investigate after some Chinese men were discovered filming a strategy session behind a mirror at their hotel in China. Men were also found to be taping a closed practice session two days later. Their first match was against China but I'm sure this is a coincidence. One big misunderstanding if you will.

There's been no word on whether Bill Belichick lent his spying services to the Chinese. I'm guessing yes because they were so easy to find.

Oh yeah China won 3-2. Move along. Nothing to see here.

Second-rate Fight in First Class

Northern Ireland! You've just lost to Iceland and Latvia in little over a week. What are you going to do now? Turn on each other and fight on a plane? Well played.

NI winger Keith Gillespie attacked teammate George McCartney on a flight home from Iceland where they were defeated after Gillespie scored an own goal.

The winger rained punches on left back McCartney in front of shocked fellow passengers on the team's flight back from their Euro 2008 defeat in Iceland ... West Ham defender McCartney leapt from his seat to fight back as stunned team-mates struggled to separate the brawling pair.

One eyewitness to the Sheffield United winger's furious attack said: "Gillespie looked like he hadn't slept — he was red-eyed and carrying a bottle of water, but he was chatting quietly with David Healy as they got on the plane.

"Then, as he passed McCartney's row on his way up the aisle, he said something and pointed in an accusing way towards McCartney, who was already seated minding his own business.

"McCartney said something like 'Don't point your finger at me' while Healy was doing his best to hurry Gillespie, who was almost past McCartney but suddenly becoming quite agitated.

"Then it all kicked off. Gillespie turned and thumped McCartney in the face. He got straight up from his seat and they were grappling and throwing punches with Healy and Stuart Elliott trying to part them.

"It didn't last that long and Healy was hustling Gillespie away up the aisle towards his own seat by the time that (assistant manager) Glynn Snodin came rushing down to see what all the commotion was.
Gillespie was dropped by former Newcastle striker Alan Shearer outside of a bar in Dublin. Maybe he figured he would get the jump this time. That's when you kick some back.

Fergie Update!!

We first reported about a drunk who attacked Sir Alex Ferguson earlier this week. At the time, reports claimed that the man, Kevin Reynolds, kicked Fergie in the shins. Oh it's much better than that.

Reynolds, after pounding lager and vodka, approached Fergie and punched him in the balls.

Fergie asked Reynolds what he was doing. He replied, "I’m sorry Fergie. I did not know it was you."

Then Reynolds started chanting, "
Fergie, Fergie, shut your mouth!"

A police officer came to Fergie's aid but Reynolds gave him a Glasgow kiss.

No word on whether Arsene Wenger has been questioned in relation to this attack.

Australia Will Hand Your Arse To You In A Sack

Australia doesn't play when it comes to drinking, oppressing indigenous people, crazy muthafuckas who mess with deadly animals, sports and fighting. The Alice Springs Grand Final had three of these as a brawl involving Aussie Rules players and spectators broke out. Luckily, some fans had a video camera and plenty to say about it.

Warning: Language NSFW

Some of our favorite quotes:

"This is the shit that happens with these boys. This is the shit."

"This is disgraceful. I'm never coming back to this shithole. That's it for me. Game set and match."

Just like the dingo comes back for the baby, he'll come back to the shithole. He wants it. He needs it. It's in the blood.

Ball Hits Face, Man Falls Down

Poor quality video here, but its pretty damn funny watching this fat-ass get nailed in the head and slow motion belly-flop onto the seats underneath him. People, this is high comedy.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Move Over Steve Young...The New Mormon Football God Is Here

Out in Utah, there is a boy who stands 6'2", weighs 220lbs, has size 13 1/2 shoes, bench-presses 330 pounds, squats 500 pounds and power cleans 330 pounds. His name is Justin Sorensen and he may well be the most talented high school football player in the country at his position...KICKER?!?!

Thats right, he's a kicker and one hell of a kicker at that. While has him ranked just #17 in the nation, he's kicked a 62 yarder in an intrasquad game (NFL Record is 63 yards) and last year 81 of his 96 kickoffs were touchbacks. The coaches felt this was so unfair that they moved the kickoff back to the 25 yardline for one game...and he split the uprights. Yea, a 90-95 yard kick off a tee there. Impressive as hell.

BYU fans are already salivating over him spotting up for kicking duties at their school and why not, the kid has one hell of a leg. Shame his coaches stopped playing him at fullback and linebacker b/c they selfishly just want to use that magical leg without fear of injury elsewhere. Still, it might be worth it, its good to have a niche and the kid could make a fortune in the pro's if he keeps kicking like this.

Mormons around the world bow down to your new football God!!

Oh, and if you really want to see him in action, here's his recruitment video. Basically its some crappy video footage of this kid kicking off and getting a bunch of touchbacks...set to some horrible horrible soft jazz of some sort. I made it through 1 minute before i wanted to hang myself.

Story Information and Kicking Photo from Desert News

Eagles Fans Are Worse Rappers Than Brandon Lloyd

Bad Andy here is a big Eagles much of a fan he is driven to write a rap song about his beloved eagles. As you might imagine, it is absolutely horrible. While I am surprised an Eagles fan actually can write a sentence, I am not at all surprised by this guy's severe lack of rhythm or rhyme. He raps passed with pass for Christ's sake. Just bad...Bad Andy! BAD!

Steely McBeam Gets All The Women

A poll was conducted recently that set out to find which NFL team has the highest percentage of female fans. The surprising results were:

1. Steelers
2. Packers
3. Bills
4. Bengals
5. Chiefs
6. Jacksonville
7. Ravens/Patriots
9. Broncos/Buccaneers/Redskins

Strangely enough Favre or Brady weren't enough to get either of their teams into first place. The only answer for the Steelers being on top MUST be the ultra-manly Steely McBeam. I mean they have twice the amount of female fans than the league average! Steely, you hunk of blue collar man meat, the women love you.

I really must wonder why the Bills are in the top three of the NFL? Why is anyone a fan of that team, let alone fan enough to place them in the top 3 of teams that females root for? Just doesn't make sense. What does make sense and not at all surprising is that the Falcons didn't make the top 10. Michael Vick's troubles add yet another blow to the team's fan quotient. It is awesome that the Dallas Cowboys were nowhere to be found in the top conclusion is that since most women do not root for Dallas, women are smarter than all Dallas fans...or find Jerry Jones to be just as smarmy as I do.


Who Cares About Oden, Lebron Just Had Surgery!

Lebron James went in to have his vision corrected with some Lasik eye surgery last week and stop the freakin presses...Lebron will now be able to scorch the opposing D with 20/15 vision now. That's right, his eyes are now superhuman. He can see like a freakin eagle! Talk about performance enhancement, this is worse than the urban legend that Tommy John surgery actually makes your arm stronger because his eyes are now not just normal, they're better than normal. Next maybe he'll get some springs inserted into his legs to add another 6 inches to his vertical. Great news for Cavs fans out there, horrible news for the rest of the league.

He went to the same eye surgeon that Rip Hamilton went to, Dr. Kerry Assil of the Assil Eye Institute in Beverly Hills, California. Lebron must've caught one of Rip's commercials for eye surgery while playing in the motor city one day and thought it was a solid idea.

From Detroit Free Press

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Kansas Ain't Got Nuthin' On Miami Northwestern

Wayne Rooney's Cougar

The soccer roundup returns after a lengthy summer vacation which was well deserved.

What Are You Lookin' At?

Perennial delinquent and Liverpool (sorry that was redundant) winger Jermaine Pennant loves to get his swerve on. So much so that he spent a month in jail due to drunk driving charges in 2005. When arrested, he gave his name to the police as Ashley Cole.

Pennant was also cautioned after a row with his girlfriend as well as arrested in July of this year for a public order offense. Liverpool manager Rafa "Vagina Face" Benitez warned him that he was on his last chance and he would tolerate no more trouble. He managed to stay on the right side of the law until this past weekend.

Pennant got shitfaced and involved in a fight on Saturday night. Here's an eyewitness account.

"Jermaine was absolutely leathered. He could barely stand and was slurring his words. His eyes were a mess ... I spoke to him briefly in the club and he was swearing and slagging people off, but he was laughing. I left the club at about 2.30am and walked past the takeaway, and as I went by it kicked off. There was lots of pushing and shoving and swearing, and Jermaine was in the middle of it. He was trying to calm things down and was saying, ‘Calm down, calm down’ — but he was too drunk and fell over. His mate, who I think was also a footballer, was arrested and a WPC put him in a headlock and wrestled him to the ground. His attitude stank and he wasn’t keen on being arrested."
Pennant has been playing well but it'll be interesting to see whether Rafa comes down on him. He's probably a hero to all Liverpudlians.

Hulk Says Go To Jail, Do Not Pass Go

This Tevez/Mascherano saga will never end. Their troubles in England seem to have worked themselves out but now they're in bigger trouble in Brazil. Both players are under investigation for tax evasion and if found guilty, they could each get up to five years in prison.

The alleged crimes took place while both were playing for Corinthians. Of course, MSI head Kia Joorabchian is involved. One Brazilian paper claims that two former Corinthians players arranged to receive part of their salaries outside of Brazil in order to avoid taxes.

This should be a clear lesson to all clubs that they should never do business with Joorabchian or MSI. West Ham should breathe a huge sigh of relief that he never bought the club. They'd probably be in League Two if his bid had been successful.

Fergie Attacked By Midget?

Sorry, wrong Fergie. We were all hoping it was that over-50 skank from the Black Eyed Peas but we're talking about Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson. A man was arrested after attacking Ferguson in a London train station on Monday.

The attacker ran up on SAF and began kicking him in the shins. He reported the attack to the police who subsequently made an arrest.

Police had no response to the allegation that the attacker was Arsene Wenger wearing a wig and a Robbie Savage mask.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Punks Jump Up To Get Beat Down