Saturday, July 14, 2007

It May Not Be A Sport Yet But...

I dont care...this made me laugh. For lack of anything better to post on Saturday, enjoy this little bit of lazy posting by Chimpanzee Rage.



Guy Kicks Self In Testicles - video powered by Metacafe

Friday, July 13, 2007

Jim Rice Bumbaye

What would you say if I told you there was a place where Pumpsie Green, Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd, Jim Rice and other black Red Sox players past and present could finally get their props? Would you say, "No! Surely you jest!"? Would you ask where? Roxbury? Hartford? Martha's Vineyard? Naw dawg. The Motherland.

Thanks to a former Bangor High School tennis player with a thing for baseball, the borders of Red Sox Nation have expanded even more.
They expanded into Burkina Faso like the Belgians into the Congo or the Portuguese into Angola.

Peace Corps volunteer Josh Yardley went to Africa because "he didn't know what to do with his degree" like everyone else. Instead of going to find himself and stall entry into the real world like other Peace Corps volunteers, he took it upon himself to indoctrinate the people of Burkina Faso like a Scottish Presbyterian missionary.

Instead of being upfront about his motives, Yardley used deceit and trickery meet his ends. He started off by painting the Red Sox logo on the side of his hut and soon people came and started asking about it. I'm sure he started withholding food and medicine until villagers could recite the 2004 World Series winning roster from memory.
If the Red Sox helped Yardley get his foot in the door, he returned the favor by preaching Red Sox lore, legend and loyalty to the Bomborokuy natives, whose curiosity had been piqued by the man they named Wendpanga, which Yardley said roughly translates into "The Force of God"
They were primitive and backwards with soccer and political logos on their houses and flesh. They soon forgot their old ways and their old sports. They began fighting with each other, adopting horrible Boston accents, and praying to a picture of Carl Yastremski eating a wicked large grinder. Neo-colonialism at its worst.
"In my village, I definitely converted some people..."

"...Maybe I didn't take a lot of Yankee shirts off the market, but I did get rid of a few."

"He was also the coach for our village's soccer team and they won the championship for the entire region this past season," Yardley said. "I don't know what they were before, but he told me they changed their name to the Bambiroqui Red Sox."
It's unlikely Yardley told them about the quota system or black players not getting invitations to Elk dinners.

"Have you forgotten that once we were brought here we were robbed of our name, robbed of our language? We lost our religion, our culture, our God - and many of us by the way we acted, we even lost our minds."

Only Rickey Henderson can save the people of Bomborokuy before they fall too far into the abyss.

Click Clack!

I know you hear me coming! You know Tim Floyd is telling USC's football coach Pete Carroll to sign this little kid to a scholarship right away. Kid is SICK! He's got moves that most NFL'ers only HOPE to have...and he looks to be about 12! Get on that shit, yo! He makes that Under Armor kid look like a punk! CLICK CLACK!!!!

Cody's runs

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Thursday, July 12, 2007

Thursday's Random Video Of Horrific Violence

I haven't posted one of these in awhile, so because the past few days have been so damn slow, with hardly any sporting events taking place, I figure its time to bring back this old staple. This Thursday's Random Video of Horrific Violence is a guy shooting himself in the head accidentally after firing a .50 cal gun and it ricochets back at him...nailing him in the head. Just so you know before you watch, the guy is ok, and is more surprised than anything...no blood is seen...its just pretty damn funny hearing it.

The "What The Hell, I Can't Get More Fucked Up!" Games

The eXtremity Games are to be held July 18th - 21st in lovely Orlando, Florida and the Deuce could not be more excited to watch a bunch of people already missing limbs to be participating in Xtreme sports. I mean, there will no longer be that awkward period of silence that occurs when a skateboarder lands his 50-50 grind badly thereby fracturing his leg in several places because, well, he won't have a friggin leg anyway! That was a fake leg! HAHAHAHA! We can all laugh about it and move on!

The events at this year's eXtremity Games are:

BMX and Mountain Biking
Kayaking
Moto-X
Rock Climbing
Skateboarding
Surfing
Wakeboarding

All events have prize pools of $1,500, $750, $250 for 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place, but these are awarded only to the most difficult of divisions...the rest are shit out of luck and get one of the equivocal "non cash prizes". Lets hope it is new limbs for the guy that fucks up his Backflip One-Handed Nac-Nac during Moto-X 'cause lemme tell ya, he's gonna need it.

Altogether, the Deuce supports giving crips gimps handicapped "handicapable" people their own eXtreme games and events. Seriously, everyone else has them, why the hell can't they? It really cannot be worse than National eXtreme Baseball.

Link to the eXtremity Games

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Thought I Told You That We Won't Stop

Nah nah nah nah nah Pacman! He's like the gift that keeps on giving. Pacman was given several traffic citations during a traffic stop last month in Tennessee. This incident seems minor compared with his other infractions but don't you worry 'bout it. Pacman won't let you down.

It turns out that Pacman was driving his orange Lambourghini with tags he switched from another car. Unfortunately, the other car belonged to him. He also received about 567 other tickets during that stop for all kinds of traffic violations including ones that haven't been created yet.

I really don't know what I'm going to do for amusement once Roger Goodell gives him the death penalty and has errand boy Gene Upshaw execute him at the 50-yard line during the Pro Bowl ... What? It's the only way anyone will watch that crap.

Wayne Rooney's Cougar

The US looks just swell in the under-20 World Cup. Freddy Adu looks like a world beater (sort of) and we have our own off-brand Zizou called Zizzo. I've probably jinxed them for today's game.

You're getting a reduced roundup this week because I have no time and I'm not going to start with all the rumors ... unless we're talking about Super Frank getting nice in Vegas. If there's anything to be learned from the world of soccer this week, it's that quitting because you're not getting picked for the team is not quitting.

All Hail Lord Beckham


Enough with the sexually suggestive dancing! Bring me my ranch dressing hose!

The Galaxy are bending over (not sure which way) to make David Beckham's debut one for the ages. In addition to charging up to $500 for field-side tickets to Beckham's debut against Chelsea on the 21st, they've made renovations to the Home Depot Center such as putting an invitation-only club called The Underground under the stadium. It's surprising that they didn't go with Galaxy After Dark.

It gets much better.

...Travel plans have a smartly attired Galaxy squad clad in matching suits, with players rotating to fly first class next to David Beckham for the sake of team unity.
Instead of a ranch dressing hose, Beckham will demand service from Landon Donovan every hour on the 8's like The Weather Channel. Nothing brings a team together like having the star player fly first class while the rest of the team rides bitch.

Apparently Alexi Lalas thinks he can fool Goldenballs into thinking the Galaxy are on the same level as Real Madrid. Wait until they travel to Kansas City to play the Wizards on a Chinatown bus.

This setup is a sham just like the time when the Budweiser truck pulled up to the building during the first week of law school and lulled us into thinking everything was going to be great in spite of what everyone told us. The truck never showed up again and our asses started hurting for some unknown reason.

The Deuce expects the douche factor to be through the roof on the 21st. In spite of that, I'm hitting the road next week and heading out to LA where I'll have a report from the match as well as from the rest of Chelsea's tour.

The Cop-Out

Here's another old video of an athlete showing some skills on the mic. Your favorite praying mantis and mine, Liverpool's Peter Crouch.


The Constitutional Vol. 10

Was at the Smashing Pumpkins concert at the 9:30 club last night...so you're getting a dose of links until I sober up and think straight again. Hell of a show. Welcome to the Constitutional.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Part II of Drinks That Should Be Named After Athletes (Reader Submitted)


We received a lot of great suggestions for more drinks that should be named after athletes that the Deuce decided to compile them all into a post. Thanks to you alcoholic sports fans out there...we might need to create a drinking game out of this. If anyone else has any other comments, let us know, otherwise read on...

Blue Mother Fucker "Alternate Version" = "A Matt Hasselbeck"
Directions: Pour 1/2 parts each of Curacao (Blue), Gin, Rum (light), Tequila (clear), Vodka into a glass of ice, add 1 splash each of 7-up and Sour Mix. Shake, drink and serve to Hasselbeck's MILF of a mother. (from albanyhawker of 12 Seahawks Street)

The Original JD's Drink of Choice = "A Curt Schilling"
Directions: Just would be sunscreen, Christ and pepsi and then call the cops on all the other people drinking. (from originaljd of Six Pack Sports Report)

Red Headed Slut = "A Matt Bonner"
Directions: Mix 1 1/2 parts J├Ągermeister and 1 1/2 parts Peach Schnapps, fill with Cranberry Juice. Mix in glass and shoot...and miss as often as that red headed slut does. (from chone at BallHype)

Available in Portland bars = "The Sam Bowie"
Directions: Part Sambuca, part Drambuie. Believe me, you'll wish you'd had a Michael Jordan instead. (from anonymous in the comments)

Free Silver = "The Larry Bird"

Directions: Mix 1 1/2 parts Gin, 1/2 part dark rum, add 1/2 part lemon juice, 1 tbsp of milk and 1/2 tsp of powdered sugar. Shake then fill with club soda. Its as white as it gets. (From anonymous in comments)

The Village Idiot = “A Skip Bayless”
Directions: In a pint glass filled with ice, mix one-and-a-half ounces Blue Curacao, one ounce Amaretto, one ounce vodka and one ounce tequila. Fill to top with lemonade and add a dash of Coke. Ingest and argue with everyone in the room while never making a discernible point about anything.

The Dark Side = “A George Steinbrenner”
Directions: Mix 3/4 parts Amaretto, 3/4 parts 151 proof rum (Bacardi), 3/4 parts Dark Creme de Cacao, 3/4 parts Kahlua, 3/4 parts Triple sec, 3 scoops Vanilla ice-cream, Chocolate syrup (to taste). Mix all these expensive ingredients in mixer and pour into highball glass...drink and realize you paid a fortune just to get fucked.

Painkiller = “A Brett Favre”
Directions: A frothing a mixture of 1 part spiced rum, 1 part pineapple rum, 1 part Banana Liqueur, 2 parts pineapple juice, sweetened coconut cream, shaved ice and topping with nutmeg. Enjoy the buzz, become addicted, repent, become hero to all.

The Three Stooges/Three Wise Men = “A Pacman-Tank-Henry”
Directions: Equal parts Jack, Jim and Johnnie. Get fucked up, make it rain, arm yourself, do massive amounts of drugs...you know the joke by now. (All 4 lifted and slightly modified from PacManJonesin to get the most booze in us and my own commentary added...hell of a job man)

Hey MA...GET OF THE DANG ROOF!

If you can win an award for bobbing for pigs feet...you might be a redneck. The Redneck Games took place last weekend in East Dublin, GA, giving rednecks from all over a chance to prove they aren't the uneducated toothless drunkards we all thought they might be...and they failed miserably.

The events in the games include a cage match wrestling free for all, bobbing for pigs feet, redneck horseshoes with toilet seats in lieu of the actual horseshoe, and the finale of the the mud pit belly-flop. Rednecks just want you to know, they're like you and me,

ELIZABETH CURRY, REDNECK:
"They probably think it's a lot of fighting and drinking, which, there is some drinking now. A lot of fighting, carrying on, that we ain't got no sense but there's a lot of folks out here that's got some sense."

Yes...because that quote above makes a lot of sense. As a matter of fact, none of this makes a lot of sense. The only way you can fully enjoy this abortion of sport is to watch the video below and breathe a huge sigh of relief that the North won the war.


Story from WMAZ.com

Monday, July 9, 2007

Randy Says Straight Cash Homey

This video's two years old so it might have been posted somewhere else but it's new to us. Tom Brady, Doug Flutie and Matt Light were doing it for charity. Eli could learn a thing or none from this.



It definitely has to be the money.

Wintertime For Merkel?


Deutschland is happy and gay. Israel? Not so much and who can blame them? The Jerusalem Post reports that Munich is considering a bid for the 2018 Olympics. The Israeli Olympic Committee is considering a response. I imagine it will be something along the lines of "Ummmm....Are you out of your fucking mind??".

Munich mayor Christian Ude says Munich is "well-equipped and hard to beat like the Panzerkampfwagen VI". Maybe he didn't mention anything about armor.

Following Salzburg's defeat that saw the Russian Black Sea city of Sochi win the 2014 games on Wednesday, Ude said "even more arguments speak in favor of a German bid."
If one goes by that logic, Belarus and Turkmenistan should throw in bids as well. I'm sure the Israelis could come up with just as many arguments if not more against it.

Seriously, people should lighten up. What are the chances of 1972 happening again? Twice in the same place? Come now. Terrorists wouldn't be so foolish as to try it again. I'm sure they've all watched Munich by now. They'd have the Hulk and James Bond on that ass. Anyway, I'm sure they don't like the winter.

Maybe Germany could do its part to appease the naysayers by promising to throw an opening ceremony dedicated to an apology to all peoples wronged by the Fatherland. Of course, it would be through song and dance. An interpretive, apologetic dance done by Bismarck lookalikes wearing pickelhaubes. It could be something similar to the stalker death dance from The Running Man. A Springtime for Hitler rendition with changed lyrics that scream "my bad" or "everyone was on vacation". Of course the finale would be a medley performed by Rammstein, The Scorpions and David Hasselhoff. If that doesn't say let bygones be bygones, I don't know what does.

Sunday, July 8, 2007

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