Saturday, February 3, 2007

The Case For Euthanasia

Poor Ted Johnson. It must be terrible to know that it's only a matter of months until you'll be thinking and talking like Merrill Hoge. It's probably in his best interest to warn Vince Young that he'll be sending him hate mail but he won't know what he'll be doing.

Ted should just enjoy his remaining years. The onset of early Alzheimer's (also known as Merrill Hoge syndrome) will still allow him to be a productive member of society. In several years, his condition should advance to the point where he'll be able to join the CBS pregame show team.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

USARPS Is Right: NFL Needs Rock, Paper, Scissors Like Chit'lins Need Hot Sauce

USA Rock Paper Scissors league has made a peitition to the NFL to do away with the antiquated and statistically flawed coin toss to determine possession at the start of games and overtime. Their proposal, of course, is to use rock, paper, scissors ("RPS") to do this. The Deuce, for one, is fully behind this update to our flawed but beloved NFL.

What would be better to add more drama to the spectacle of the NFL than to have a competition, not fate, determine who gets the ball to start? Short of a sacrificial death match, winner gets possession, nothing else can compare.

The influence of this could even open roster spots on teams for champion RPS players as specialists to help teams gain possession! Kickers kick the ball, punters punt the ball, RPS'ers GET the ball!

In overtime, for example, nothing is more important than getting the ball first and yet professional football teams use the toss of the coin to determine who gets the ball first. This is so flawed that the NCAA fully did away with it for their overtime, instead using a "shootout" style overtime, which while exciting, inflates scores and statistics incredibly. Just by using RPS, NFL teams could legitimately determine possession while not destroying the sanctity of the sport.

The team that wins 2 out of 3 gets the ball. Perfectly fair, no random dumb luck anymore and certainly no chance of a Phil Luckett situation occurring again.

The Deuce of Davenport urges all to sign the petition and let our voices as fans of fair play, football and rock paper scissors be heard!!! There isn't much time and it is time for a change! Not to mention their spokesmodels are HOT...Link to USARPS Petition

Kieron Dyer's Roaster

Greetings! Glory be to the famous CFC. This post will be the first in a weekly series bringing you biased news and unsubstantiated rumors from the world of soccer. For those of you not in the know, here's an article describing roasting along with its connection to Dyer. Just set it and forget it like Ronco, girl! Anyway, let's get to it.

Barcodes Sign The Gooch

Rejoice America. No longer will the world fear our military (outside of Iraq) and mock our stars as they make asses of themselves in leagues abroad or in international competition. Dyer's team Newcastle United has signed Oguchi Onyewu a.k.a. The Gooch on loan from Standard Liege of Belgium.

There's no way he won't convince manager Glen Roeder to make the deal permanent. He'll be playing alongside or for Titus Bramble who could possibly be the worst defender in the history of the universe.

The Gooch was one of the few bright spots for the US during the World Cup and he was previously linked with Chelsea, Manchester United (manUre) and Marseille. He joins other Americans doin' their thing in the Premiership such as Brian McBride, Brad Friedel, Clint Dempsey, Tim Howard and Jay DeMerit. Make us proud and leave Arnold alone, Gooch. Feel free to kick the shit out of that red-headed stepchild Sam or Paul Dickov.

A sidenote for all you DC area peoples. Gooch is from Olney, MD so maybe he'll come back and play for DC United when he winds his international career.

Rafa Buys More Mantonios

Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez is on the verge of making three signings before the close of the transfer window later today. To everyone's surprise, all three players are from Spanish-speaking countries. It's rumored that he bought them for their flowing locks, lack of consistency and appreciation of Rioja.

Javier Mascherano has been cleared by FIFA to sign and play for Liverpool so expect to see him stealing hubcaps and radios in the next few days.

Primadonovan Still Sucks

The recent transfers of Josh Wolff (1860 Munich) and Clint Dempsey (Fulham) to Europe reinforce the fact that Landon Donovan is still a bitch and has no business being US captain let alone playing for the US. The Deuce bets he can't wait until Becks shows up in LA so he can finally learn how to wear a sari.

The transfer window closes today so the Deuce will provide updates if anyone worth talking about makes a move.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

We Hardly Knew Ye Little Jerry

First the Virginia Legislature caved in to Lincoln and gave up slavery. There was a pox upon the house of Jefferson Davis' ancestors that had finally started to wear off thanks in no small part to George "Macaca" Allen and Frank "They're free?" Hargrove.

Now they vote to make gambling on or charging admission to a cockfight a Class 6 felony instead of a Class 3 misdemeanor.

...The panel stopped short of expanding the penalty to all participants of cockfighting events and those who raise gamecocks. Instead, as is the case now, only gambling on or charging admission to cockfighting would be illegal, with a maximum fine of $2,500 and five years in jail. Under current law, the penalty is a Class 3 misdemeanor, with a maximum fine of $500 but no jail time.
Perhaps the Deuce shouldn't judge. Maybe the Legislature is encouraging promoters to open the cockfights to the general public to encourage families to come out for some wholesome fun. The family that watches cockfights together stays together unless the two cocks fighting are the two gay dads, Francis and Raoul. Nothing against gay adoption or marriage. It's just hard to see a gay couple making it alive together outside of northern VA especially at a cockfight. If anything, the panel's actions may bring the Central American and Muslim immigrants in northern Virginia together with the yahoos in southern and western Virginia together. Pupusas and pitchforks unite! Take that, Virgil Goode and Tom Tancredo.

Comrade Kim Jong Il Defies Revisionism: On the Idiotarod

It's only the second day of the blog and we already have a special guest. It's our Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il who was kind enough to pass along a special message for America through fellow Comrades Grippy and Moneyshot.

I would like to express my great pleasure at being invited with my esteemed nuclear scientists to the 4th annual New York Idiotarod. It has been our long-cherished hope to visit America and see with our own eyes the corruption of the capitalist dogs so that we may continue to avoid their evils. Also to pick up a shipping container of Remy Martin and a few redheads for the Pleasure Squad.

My Taepodong scared your pathetic leader into giving us the top most Secret Service protection

I am told by my comrades that this Idiotarod is modeled after a venerated Alaskan sled-dog race, in which competitors brave brutal conditions, starvation and injury in a desperate battle for survival. Like winter in Pyongyang, yes? Also, did I mention that our Taepodong missiles can reach your Alaska if we can ever get the pieces of shit to work? Please excuse me while I execute one of my technicians in a fit of pique. Why is everybody so fucking stupid? Do they have any idea how fucking busy I am???

Still fresh in my memory of the race is the diabolical creativity displayed by our nemeses in their costume construction and sabotage tactics. However, as is the case with all true revolutionaries, we had the overwhelming force of our superior morality - and sweet, fragrant fish oil - on our side. I rejoice in our glorious victory over the imperialist aggressors of the US military (“G.I. Blow”), by a successful deployment of our biological weapons in such a manner as to cause vomiting in one of their squad. No, really, he hurled. That’s what you get for crossing the 38th parallel. Mind the DMZ bitches!

And despite the loss of our magnificent flag to a roving band of capitalist - how do you say, douchebags?

and our artistic propaganda to a tray of coleslaw,

we remain confident that evidence of our triumph will linger on in the minds and noses of our enemies. The organizers of the race saw it fit to promulgate their lies and attempt denial of our victory, but rest assured, Comrades: It is an honor whether to live or die on the road of revolution!

Redskins Rumor, New Personnel Chief?

Heard on Sportstalk 980 this morning, a "deep throat" called in and suggested that a member of the Chicago Bears front office with local ties might be making a move to the Washington Redskins after the Super Bowl.

In doing a little research, the Deuce is furthering this rumor by saying the only person this could be is Bobby Depaul. His bio states that he is a Bowie, Md native and:

DePaul attended Archbishop John Carroll High School in Washington, D.C., where he played fullback and linebacker on a team that lost only once during his three-year varsity career. DePaul attended the University of Maryland and played linebacker on three Atlantic Coast Conference champion Terrapin squads...


DePaul entered the NFL in 1989, hired by former Bears defensive back Richie Petitbon as a member of Joe Gibbs’ coaching staff at Washington where he stayed until 1993 after winning an NFL championship with the Redskins’ Super Bowl XXVI victory over Buffalo.

The Redskins sure could use someone with some real scouting and personnel experience with the moves that Vinny Cerrato has made over the last decade pretty much crippling the team with the deadly combination of no salary cap space AND no draft picks. Perhaps this DePaul character is the man to get the Redskins back to their winning ways of a decade ago.

Or perhaps its just another death rattle while a once proud franchise grasps for some more stars from their old, faded glory.

Super Bowl Ad Cash Grab

The Super Bowl ad cash grab is well underway and the advertisements that we will all be mesmerized by this February 4th are almost all in place. Advertising Age already has a list up of who has bought what for the Super Bowl (of money). Of course, in light of the Janet Jackson scandal a lot of companies are obviously taking it upon themselves to make sure their ads are "kid friendly". Of note:

  • Anheuser-Busch has the most ad time so far at an astounding 5 minutes of ads. The Super Bowl and FCC are all about keeping nipples away from the young impressionable minds of our children...but we can sell the shit out of some beer to them!
  • GoDaddy will have three spots featuring the always hot Danica Patrick. Who knows what the hell they sell...i'm guessing sex or cars. Kids need both.
  • GM has bought 3 ads. Chevrolet has two of them. That means the kids will always know that This IS Ourrrrrrrrrrr Counnnnnntry.
  • Boehringer Ingelheim's Flomax...really, need anymore be said? Think of the kids people!!

See the whole list here - Advertising Age

Monday, January 29, 2007

Don't Make Shawn Kemp Jealous

You won't like him when he's jealous. Neither will all the women he's going to impregnate when he finds out that Latrell Sprewell is being sued for $200 million by the mother of his shorties.

Candace Cabbil sued Spree alleging that he broke a co-habitation agreement and pulled a PJ Carlisimo on her. She had four of his shorties and is the guardian for another one he had with another woman. He's on five and creeping up on Kemp who has seven shorties with six different mothers.

When asked for comment, Kemp replied,

"Oh hell naw! You can tell Spree that I said he can sit on them spinners and go fuck himself cause ain't no way he's catchin' me! And I ain't never had no momma sue me for shit cause they know that's what they're gon' get if they do...still $200 mil is a lot of money."
Just to stay on the safe side, Santa Kemp went out and fathered six more children with six different mothers. Merry New Year, shorties.

The Closet Door Has Been Opened

And we're full of shit.