Showing posts with label Manchester United. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Manchester United. Show all posts

Monday, June 11, 2007

Manchester Is Full Of S**t

We're a couple weeks late on this but this is too good to pass up.

If this is the worst Pedro has seen, he certainly hasn't been to any Liverpool, La Liga or Serie A matches. Back to shoving your face full of prawn sandwiches in the press box.

Thanks to Soccernista for the link.

Here's another reason Fox Soccer Channel should spend more than $2.50 on Fox Soccer Report talent.

Thanks to With Leather and The Offside.

Ballhype: hype it up!

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Ronaldo's Escort Service

The Premiership season may be over but that doesn't mean the Deuce stops bringing you news from the world of football that you crave like Pookie craves the pipe. The Deuce is happy to oblige. You may be sorry.

Strangé! Strangé!

You go, Ronny! You just won the Premiership. There's nothing for you to do now but sashay!

68,000 screaming fans are waiting for you and the rest of the team to claim your medals and trophy but you have to wait because someone decides their hair isn't perfect.

Cristiano Ronaldo held up celebrations at Old Trafford last Sunday because he needed time to fix his hair.

An Old Trafford source said: “Ronny was more concerned with the state of his hair.

“He was in front of the mirror, as usual, taking an age to slick back his hair.

“Some of the backroom lads joked they’d have to come back on Monday to collect their medals!”
Well after all, preening yourself before you walk out in the rain after a match is really going to make a difference. Maybe he had to make some other adjustments like...I don't know...a tennis ball or something.

Punks Jump Up To Get Beat Down

The saga of Joey Barton just keeps getting better. He should have learned from Ronnie Biggs, gone to Brazil and impregnated some lucky lady instead of going to the Algarve and returning to England.

Barton was arrested and released on bail for his training pitch attack on Manchester City teammate Ousmane Dabo.

This isn't Joey's first run-in with the law. In case you're unfamiliar with Joey's past, we ran down the rap sheet a couple weeks ago.

If he ends up going to prison, maybe he can share a cell with his friendly brother, Michael.

Wazza Wazza Wazza

Why three times? Because Wayne Rooney's attending three weddings in one day. He may not be scoring for his country but he knows how to score free buffets and open bars.

Steven Gerrard, Michael Carrick and Gary Neville are getting married on the same day. Most people would pick one and send their regrets to the other two but not Mr. Rooney. Three weddings. So many mothers. So many cougars. Rawr!

Oh yeah, Stevie G's throwing a
£500,000 wedding and he's serving up fish and chips, mashed potatoes, curry, trifle and bacon sarnies to be made available. What the fuck are trifle and bacon sarnies? Well bacon's involved so it can't be that bad. It's great when the WAGs (Wives and Girlfriends) get involved.
“Alex (Stevie's fiancee) has even stipulated the chips are to be ‘fat chips and not fries’. It must be a taste thing.”
You're practically royalty, sweet tits.

Hulk No Like Relegation Or No Pay

Wow. This has been a bitchy roundup. I'm not sure why but let's try to move on and close out strong like Alfonso Alfonseca (Dominican for base hit). Umm, never mind.

This Carlos Tevez situation has taken on a life of its own. Wigan, Charlton, Fulham and Sheffield United appeared to be slowing down in their quest to sue the Premier League over West Ham's acquisition of Carlos Tevez and their subsequent survival at their expense. Of course, one can say that even if Tevez was used illegally Charlton, Wigan and Sheffield United didn't do what they had to do.

Since the last weekend of the season (three days ago), Sepp Blatter and FIFA have gotten involved and promised an investigation of why West Ham didn't have points deducted from their total after being found guilty of breaking Premiership rules. Ah Sepp, the George Mitchell of football. Bringing honor and integrity back to the game. Why don't they put Don King on the case while they're at it?

Now the Guardian reports that West Ham stands to profit millions when Tevez is sold due to paperwork shenanigans.
...The only document relating to West Ham that remains legally enforceable from the complicated sheaf of paperwork that dictated the terms of Tevez's arrival in London last August is his playing contract. That means he is West Ham's player and that the club alone would be due any fee from his sale.

The offshore companies are understood to retain commercial contracts with the Argentinian player. These would permit the companies to sue for damages in a commercial court if West Ham refused to pay them a consideration for any transfer fee they received - and with Real Madrid linked with a £30m bid for Tevez, that could be considerable.

Such contracts between the player and third-party companies are perfectly legal under the Premier League rule U18 that led to £3m of the £5.5m fines imposed on West Ham last month. This is because the rule governs the conduct of clubs, not of players.

In any case, third-party contracts governing players' image rights and so-called "escape clauses" allowing certain bids to trigger a player's release are commonplace in the Premiership. Beyond national borders, the involvement of third-party companies in player ownership is widespread.
If the relegated teams are mad about the loss of Premiership tv money, they'll be livid if this plays out and West Ham pockets a huge chunk of a possible £30m.

This is a debacle and it's not surprising that the Premier League dropped the ball. If the third party contract was illegal, West Ham should have been docked points for every game Tevez played. How does a fine rectify the situation? They still benefit from his contributions as could be seen on Sunday when his goal saved them from relegation. Their win against Manchester United condemned another team to Championship football and the loss of tv money after the balloon payment.

The Premier League abdicated their duty to do the right thing. It's not surprising considering how cowardly and inept the FA is when it comes to footballing matters.

Whoop Whoop That's The Sound Of The Police

The sound of the beast was Jose Mourinho's Yorkshire Terrier biting some bobby's ankles. Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho was arrested last night after he prevented police from taking his dog.

Mourinho's wife Tami called him home from the Chelsea Player of the Year awards ceremony. When he got home, he "refused to let police take the dog and got into an argument with officers". He was arrested and released with a caution for obstructing police.

"Officer were concerned the dog had been taken abroad, then back to Britain, without the required jabs."

Finally the police felt the fury that Graham Poll and fourth officials have experienced ever since Jose came to the Premiership. Only if they could have him arrested...
Ballhype: hype it up!

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Don't Go Breaking My Heart

All hail the Incredible Hulk. Savior of West Pork.

Relegation weekend. It's probably the greatest weekend in the Premiership next to the one where your team wins the league. If you're not a Manchester United, Chelsea or Arsenal fan, you have no idea what we're talking about unless you're a fan of a team that narrowly escapes relegation.

That's right, Liverfool. You've never seen Gerrard win the league.

Irony of ironies. West Ham celebrates safety at Old Trafford on the same day and at the same place where United lifts the Premiership trophy. Both teams jubilant and on opposite ends of the table. Promotion and relegation are part of what makes football the beautiful game.

Let's bid a fond farewell to Charlton, Sheffield United and Watford. We hardly know ye. We're sure former director and chairman of Watford Elton John is rewriting Candle in the Wind for Aidy Boothroyd.


Fat Freddy probably should have taken up the theiving Scousers on that Michael Owen offer.

Ballhype: hype it up!

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Mutu's Drug Mule

As the football season winds down in Europe, we wonder what we're going to do during the offseason besides join in the absurd rumormongering that goes on in the European press. You can expect nothing less from us. Here's hoping that overpaid, under-educated footballers will get themselves in stupid, embarrassing situations for our amusement.

Get Out Of My Belly

It looks like the pressure's getting to Fat Freddy Shepherd. Every good thing that happens to Newcastle seems to be followed by a corresponding cockpunch and twist. Every big name signing seems to drop as though Screwface put some bad mojo on them. The casualty list topped by Obafemi Martins, Michael Owen, Damien Duff and Scott Parker is rather impressive.

Shepherd met with former Bolton manager Big Sam Allardyce
at Claridge's in London yesterday. Allegedly an offer to manage Newcastle was made and accepted with some details yet to be worked out. Both sides agreed that they were close to an agreement that would have Big Sam take over the "big club" otherwise known as Newcastle United.

Once Shepherd has his man, he can return his focus to Owen who has a £9million buyout clause in his contract. It's rumored that he wants a return to Liverpool which he left to win silverware. he hasn't won anything while Liverpool has won the Champions League and FA Cup. Shepherd isn't too pleased about this especially as the club has stood by him through all his injury problems.

If you didn't hear Shepherd's response, he said, "I'll fucking carry him back for you...for
£9million". Solid Freddy solid. Good to see he has a sense of humor about the situation.

Thanks to Who Ate All The Pies for pointing us to the video.

Chelsea Institute Affirmative Action Plan

Noting the lack of redheads on Jose Mourinho's squad, Chelsea is close to signing Reading midfielder Steve Sidwell. Sidwell is scheduled to undergo a medical on Monday at Stamford Bridge and is being held out of Reading's final match against Blackburn tomorrow.

Oh, the back tattoo. Yeah...those are his wedding vows. Steve O's tattoo puts this soft ass shit to shame.

United Shame English Football With Weak Celebration

By the hammer of Thor, has football come to this? Gazza's liver must be turning in his torso.

Manchester United players celebrated their one-year Premiership trophy loan deal by going out on the town and running up a bar tab of....wait for it...
£8,500. Most of it went towards Cristal.

Some players carried on the party at striker Wayne Rooney's mansion in Prestbury, Cheshire.

A source said: “The lads had a great time - and even let some of the local girls join the party and enjoy the champers."
Champers?? What the fuck? Then again, they do carry manbags. No debauchery? No fights? No making it rain?

Maybe they took it easy because they didn't want to get whiskey dick before roasting the over-50 local girls Rooney invited back to his crib.

Vegas Baby

Telly Savalas will rise from his grave if the MLS follows through and finally does the right thing.

The Las Vegas Sun reports that the Las Vegas Sports and Entertainment Group is trying to bring an MLS franchise to Vegas by 2010. The group "
hopes to build a high-tech, state-of-the-art stadium with a retractable roof that will be linked with a casino."

The group would ask for no public financing and the stadium would be available for other uses besides soccer.

There's no team name but the name "Silver Spurs" is being tossed around like a dwarf. No team should have anything in common with Tottenham Hotspur. The Deuce suggests the name Hustlers. It works on so many (two) levels.

By the way, does anyone know where we can find Player's Club cards? We've looked everywhere.
Ballhype: hype it up!

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Wayne Rooney's Cougar

It's been a while since we've had a soccer roundup. Trapper John apologized for the three of us so you can go fuck yourself if you're looking for anything apology related. Snake venom gathering is not an easy job. It requires complete concentration and an easily disposable Dalit for testing purposes. Hmm perhaps I've said too much....How about that local sporting team?

Pikeys Don't Just Like Caravans

They also like cars. BMWs. David "Goldenballs" Beckham's BMW to be exact. His X5 was stolen over a year ago in Madrid by a gang that targeted luxury cars as if there's a gang targeting Gremlins, Trablants and Yugos. They're from Basque country and really shouldn't be trusted like ETA.

The car was tracked to Macedonia and it's being driven by Interior Minister Gordana Jankulovska. Gordana isn't about to give the car up without a fight. She says if it's his, she'll give it back but Police Spokesman Ivo Kotevski said,

“Before it reached Macedonia, the vehicle had changed hands 20 times in Spain, so we have no proof that it belonged to Beckham.”
The only way to settle this is a bareknuckle boxing match. 50 quid on anyone named Gordana. The Deuce looks forward to Goldenballs being sold to some Albanians as a sex slave after he loses the match. They'll love him in Greek Macedonia or Turkey.

Anything Goes When It Comes To Hoes

Good old Wazza. He'll take 'em 8 to 80, dumb, crippled and crazy. Can't leave them cougars alone and now they're coming back on their Rascals to bite him in the ass.

A book detailing Rooney's rough sex with prostitutes is about to come out and he's a bit freaked out as you might imagine. The Sun says the book will be titled Roo Unzipped.

It's a well known fact that Rooney likes them old and dusty like the Auld Slapper but he's also not afraid to rob the uterus by sleeping with hookers in their mid to late 30s.
"I pretended I was getting turned on. Making the noises and going through the motions.

“But really I was thinking of Pot Noodles and which one to have after he’'d finished – chicken and mushroom or the beef one?

“Wayne didn’'t turn me on at all.– He was ugly."

Tip top, Roo!!

Just Win, Baby

Al Davis could learn something from Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho. You'd never catch the Special One drafting Robert Gallery or Napoleon Kaufman. You'll also never see him let something like a bullshit suspension or ban keep him from bringing the truth to the starting 11.

The Times has shed light on how Jose beat the suspension placed on him two years ago during the Champions League quarterfinals when Chelsea played Bayern Munich. He was banned from the bench for making allegations against referee Anders Frisk in the previous round which turned out to be true. The racism-accepting, corrupt hypocrites otherwise known as UEFA buried a report showing the allegations to be true.

Here's an excerpt from the article. It's long but well worth the read.

For the first leg at Stamford Bridge, Mourinho arrived early enough to get in position. He watched the game on a television in the dressing-room and, during the first half, communicated to his staff in the dugout by radio or telephone. “You can get mobile reception in the dressing-room,” the source said. “It depends what network and in what room.”

At the time, television commentators spotted and commented on the fact that Rui Faria, the fitness coach, had a strange kink in his bobble hat and repeatedly scratched his ear. It was the sort of kink that could be caused by a wire and earpiece. “It was so obvious, to keep playing with your ear like that,” the source said.

Suspicious of skulduggery going on under their noses, Uefa officials went down to the tunnel, but by then the players were back in the dressing-room and listening to a team talk from their manager.

One source claims that knowing that the listening device had been rumbled, Chelsea simply used more rudimentary communication in the second half. It was noted at the time that Silvinho Louro, the goalkeeping coach, made several trips back to the dressing-room. “He’s a nervous spectator,” a source close to Mourinho joked at the time, but Louro kept coming back with bits of paper that were passed to the other coaches. Whatever the pieces of paper contained, they tended to coincide with substitutions.

Mourinho was not waiting for the players at the end of the match, which Chelsea won 4-2, because he had already allegedly clambered into one of the kit skips. He was wheeled out of the dressing-room by members of the backroom staff and, it is believed, back into the leisure club in the Chelsea Village hotel at the ground, where it had been reported that he spent the entire evening.

In a passable impression of Inspector Clouseau, Uefa’s hapless officials left none the wiser. Insiders claim Mourinho was so thrilled that he joked openly about his trip in the skip in front of his players at training the next morning.

In the second leg, at the Olympic Stadium in Munich, there was a greater risk of detection if he tried to enter the dressing-room. The sources allege that Mourinho went into the stands to watch but, apparently flustered by the close attention of a camera crew, he quickly departed for the team hotel.

The privacy might have been useful. The Timeshas been told that a speaker had been set up in the dressing-room so that he could talk to the players over the telephone at half-time. “There was a massive speaker,” a source said. “José was at the hotel.” Uefa’s representatives had surpassed themselves yet again by approaching Faria to check if there was anything under his hat. There wasn’t.

In a recent biography to which Mourinho contributed, he boasted about how he overcame a touchline ban during his days at FC Porto by sending messages to his assistants from his seat in the stands via “a small, sophisticated telecommunications device”. He even listed the precise instructions, which included: “Tell Deco [the Porto midfield player] I’m p****d off, I want more!” and, “Pressure on linesman, everybody.”

Art Shell, Norv Turner or Bill Callahan don't know shit about Commitment to Excellence.

When he's not busy beating evil Germans or the Scousers, he's steppin' to wrestlers. Watch around 5:35.

Ballhype: hype it up!

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Touchdown United!!!

Who says the Amish don't have a positive effect on Manchester United? The proof was in the Champions League match between Manchester United and Roma at Old Trafford earlier today. United was down 2-1 after the first leg in Rome and needed a winning result and at least a 2-0 result (I think cause I can't add too good) to go through to the semi-finals.

Sir Alex Ferguson threw the Romans for a loop by ignoring goals and scoring a touchdown in one of the most stunning Champions League results in recent memory. United won 7-1 and advanced to the semifinals where they await the winner of the Bayern Munich - AC Milan match tomorrow.

Girlie man Cristiano Ronaldo and overpriced Michael Carrick scored two apiece. Leeds reject Alan Smith, Wayne Rooney and Patrice Evra each had one to finish the beatdown and send Totti and his Ciao boys back to Rome and their mamas on their lime green Vespas.

Of course, this doesn't change the fact that they'll still end up losing the league, FA Cup and Champions League to....

Alouette Chelsea Alouette

All hail the Special One. Admittedly Mustafa was nervous going into the second leg of the other Champions League quarterfinal match between Chelsea and Valencia. It was 1-1 after the first leg but the Mestalla is a tough place to play during Champions League and Valencia have shown they have what it takes to win the competition.

After a first half dominated by flashes of Valencia brilliance and a goal by Liverfool reject Fernando Morientes, Chelsea stepped their game up in the second half and leveled the match after a goal by Andriy Shevchenko.

The match appeared to be headed for extra time and possible penalties when Michael Essien, in his first match back from injury, slammed a winner past Santiago Canizares to put the famous CFC through to the semifinals where they are likely to meet their CL nemesis Liverpool who have a 3-0 lead on PSV going into tomorrow's second leg.

Ballhype: hype it up!

Thursday, April 5, 2007

I Predict A Riot

Watching the people get lairy
It's not very pretty I tell thee
Walking through town is quite scary
It's not very sensible either
A friend of a friend he got beaten
He looked the wrong way at a policeman

Roman police added injury to insult after Manchester United's 2-1 Champions League loss to Roma by opening up a can of whupass on United supporters who were fighting with Roma ultras.

Of course each side blamed the other for starting the fracas. Luckily, trustworthy, non-partisan observers stepped forward to settle the argument. If there's anyone we can trust, it's an Italian politician.

Italian Economy ministry under-secretary Paolo Cento, who also chairs a club of Roma supporters in parliament, said the blame lay with the English club - which had warned travelling fans that they could be attacked in Rome - rather than with the police.

'It was Manchester that a few days before the match created a mood of tension, talking of a city of violence and danger,' Cento told ANSA news agency.

'Now the English club must apologise to Rome and Italy, rather than asking for (Prime Minister Tony) Blair to intervene.'
Oh that's right, warning fans of a potential beatdown caused the fans to start to riot. "Well nothing's happened yet. We might as well get the beatdown out of the way."

United manager Sir Alex "I Predict A Riot" Ferguson played the role of Nostradamus the day before the match. "Hopefully, everything will be okay tomorrow. I don't anticipate trouble but the Italian police are very experienced and I think they can deal with it."

Ballhype: hype it up!