Friday, June 20, 2008

New Yankee Stadium Will Be Hard Rockin'

If you didn't think that the new Yankee's Stadium won't be a freaking circus of a ballpark, you will certainly believe it will be now. There will be a Hard Rock Cafe at the new Yankee Stadium. Thats right, a Hard Rock Cafe will be inside a major league ballpark.

I wonder what else Yankee's stadium will have in it to prove that the Yankees are America's #1 corporate sell-out team. Maybe they will have TGIFridays or Ruby Tuesdays as their restaurants to go along with the Hard Rock instead of some local food fare. Perhaps they'll open up a mini mall of designer fashions in the outfield so people can shop while they watch the game. While they're at it, they should maybe have one of their club levels called "The Mickey Mouse Club Level" and have it be a mini Disneyland all in the heart of the new ballpark.

If there has ever been a baseball team that represents corporate and capitalistic greed it is the New York Yankees. Hard Rock Cafe's have as little to do with baseball as baseball has to do with rock and roll and that is pretty much nothing. What is the point of this? Why not start opening up Hard Rock's in churches and high schools while they're at it, it makes just as much sense. Hooters and baseball I can see...Hard Rock, no freakin way. What a bunch of greedy bastards.

From Orlando Business Journal

There's Nothing Like Team Unity

It's the one thing when sports organizations talk about everyone working towards one goal from the owner to the support staff. It's another thing to see them do it. France was embarrassed in the first round of the Euro, Patrick Viera fought with his teammate Patrice Evra and manager Raymond Domenech proposed to his girlfriend after France's elimination to deflect attention from their abject failure. However we're not just talking about the players and the manager. It looks like everyone in the FFF including the coach driver bought into losing as a team.

via Ollie at Who Ate All The Pies

Bigger Is Better

This is, perhaps, the largest foosball table ever created. From the looks of the website, it was made by some German Dutch guys, here's what they have to say about their pride and joy:

Reclame stunt voor Amstel Bier, tijdens de finale van het Europese voetbalkampioenschap. Aan de tafel kunnen 2 complete elftallen spelen. De tafel is geheel demontabel en wordt in 6 flightcases vervoerd.

This, roughly translated, means "Please enjoy our fucking gigantic-ass table". You actually would need to have two complete football teams to even attempt to play this sucker which was originally created for an Amstel Beer commercial during the European Championship League Finals. Good luck getting enough friends together to actually make this competitive...but with enough alcohol, i'm sure attempting to play this would be fun as hell. Someone here in the states needs to make this.

Here's another picture so you can understand the enormity of this thing.


From Airworks Inflatables

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Chop Mor Chikin

We don't know whether a 40 foot, 15,000 lb tomahawk-chopping mechanical cow is a brilliant marketing ploy or the sign of something more sinister.

Anyone going to the June 20 Atlanta Braves game against the Seattle Mariners is encouraged to send us pictures of the vengeful cow currently being installed between the Coke bottle and out-of-town scoreboard.

The cow is part of an effort by Chick-fil-A to "[tie] the chicken sandwich chain to its Atlanta roots".

Chick-fil-A headquarters is on the south side of Atlanta and it has 131 outlets in the area. The Braves and the Chick-fil-A cows, part of a campaign that urges people to "Eat Mor Chikin," seemed a natural pairing, [Atlanta area marketing director for Chick-fil-A Robin] Ogle said.

"People have a fondness for the cows," Ogle said. "Anytime we can make a cow bigger and funnier, people love it. They respond to it."
Stereotypes are always funny especially when animals are involved. We're serious. The only thing funnier would be a tomahawk-chopping monkey.

Attempts were made to reach the BJP to ask about rumors that the cow is intended to let baseball-loving Sikhs and Muslims know that the party's reach is long and they can bring the religious ruckus by man or tomahawk-chopping holy beast.

Oh, we'll also take video of the cow.

Apes Don't Read Philosophy

"If it wasn't for us, you'd all be speaking German! Singing 'Deutschland, Deutschland über alles...'"

The Swiss have always claimed to be neutral in international affairs and banking. They try to assuage our suspicions by inundating us with images of that slutty, foul temptress Swiss Miss. However they've finally overplayed their hand.

They may have gone a bit far in showing their loyalty by bringing back the good old days of the Third Reich. A Swiss television station ran the subtitles to the Nazi Germany anthem while playing the current German anthem before Germany played Austria in the Euro.

"It is an inexcusable error," said an employee in charge of the subtitling service for the satation, SRG, though he added it was the fault of two young editors.
Perhaps they were just following orders, Herr Employee.

Call Bill Parcells a "homo", that's a paddlin'.

Big Phil Is Smarter Than You

Portugal manager and Captain Ramsey doppelganger Luiz Felipe Scolari knows how to play the game. On July 1, he will start his new job as Chelsea manager. In the meantime, he's focused on the task at hand which is steering Portugal through the Euro.

No one doubts that lifting the trophy in Vienna is Scolari's main goal but he also has time to counsel his players on their club life. Rumors abound that he has advised Cristiano Ronaldo to transfer to Real Madrid. They are desperate to have him and willing to break the bank to make it happen.

Scolari has even praised him in front of the press during the tournament.

“Ronaldo’s secret thing is the one you all know. He is simple, humble and a magnificent worker. He is part of a group to which he is dedicated and has a will to win of such strength that I have never seen it in anyone else. The others in the group soak up this incredible will to win, dedication and talent. On top of that, he has all his technical qualities. For me, he is one of a kind."
Sir Alex Ferguson must be turning redder than usual as he watches Scolari push Ronaldo away from Manchester in order to ease Chelsea's path to another Premiership title. It's bad enough for him that Real has been blatantly tapping Ronaldo up for weeks. We can't wait to see how Scolari and Fergie get along especially if Ronaldo forces a transfer to Real. Bring on the new season already.

You Think The Animal Revolution Isn't Real

Think again. Now they're going back in time and trying to kill our young like the Terminator.

Guess Who's Back

His Worship Sir Sidney Ponson! So quickly we dismissed you. Buck up, Yankees fans. You may have lost Wang but he's not royalty. This is definitely an upgrade. This is like replacing a Bentley with a DeLorean. Can Bentleys fly? I think not.

If that doesn't get Yankees fans all hot and bothered, the Hard Rock Cafe is opening up in the new Yankee Stadium. Just when you thought overpriced, mediocre food couldn't get any better, it doesn't unless you consider more overpriced and more mediocre better. Famous Fajitas and Heavy Metal Margaritas a poppin' like apes. In the words of Mickey Rivers, "You think it don't be like it is but it do." It do, Mickey. It do indeed.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Euro 2008: Behind The Scenes

You're probably wondering how Italy made it to the knockout stages of the Euro when it looked like they would go out in the first round. Wonder no more. It's all because of a coked-up Romanian striker and Italian training.

Here's a look at a secret Italian training session. It worked in 2004 and 2006. No reason it won't work this year.

Orioles Magic Doesn't Work On Jesus Day

The Orioles have already exceeded the expectations of their fans this season. I should probably speak for myself. Yes, they're in last place but it's not a strong last place. The pitching and offense are much better than expected. However, there's one hurdle the O's can't seem to jump.

Jesus Quintana was right. Nobody fucks with the Jesus (NSFW - language). The Orioles can't win on Sundays. No one seems to know why and the team is getting desperate. Jay Payton is even considering animal sacrifice.

"We should just quit playing on Sundays and we'll be in first place," Jay Payton said. "It's just one of those stats. Maybe we need to cut the head off a monkey or something to switch it up. I think it's usually a chicken, but I'm thinking maybe a monkey would work. But that's animal cruelty. I wouldn't do that."
I bet Ramon Hernandez or Kevin Millar wouldn't hesitate. Aubrey Huff's the utility guy. Animal sacrifice must fall under the utility designation although he'd probably say that's horseshit.

** Sorry about the imbedded crap on the video but every clean version has been taken down or has no sound.

Spinoffs, talking bears and Stewie's sexual orientation. Seth McFarland on the next season of Family Guy and a possibly Family Guy movie.

No Way This Goes Wrong

Someone in the Chicagoland area must take one for the team and invite Jay Mariotti to Binny's on 1132 S. Jefferson on Friday at 11:30. I'd suggest putting a few in him and enough to down a wildebeest in yourself (if you volunteer) since you're going to spend time with him and possibly witness the greatest beatdown in Chicago history since the '85 Super Bowl.

Ozzie Guillen will be guest bartending at Binny's on Friday to celebrate their grand opening. He's always wanted a piece of Mariotti. We'd suggest getting Ozzie to do a couple shots with you to loosen him up. If you play your cards right, you may even get a little play to top off the evening.

He'll also being taking pictures and signing autographs for money which will go to charity. You get to give to charity, get drunk, see Mariotti take a beatdown and get some lovin'. Even if you can't get that douche to Binny's, you know someone's going to piss off Ozzie and get dealt with like Javon Walker. "Malibu on the fucking rocks? What the fuck do I look like to you, cabron??"

When You Don't Know What You're Doing Goes Right

It was only a year and a half ago that a collective scream of horror rose from thousands of bars and homes at the end of the 2007 Fiesta Bowl. It wasn't a scream of excitement over the amazing game. It was a scream of horror as Boise State running back Ian Johnson proposed to his girlfriend immediately after the win.

"What the hell are you doing?? Think about what you're doing!! Your stock's never going to be higher!! You idiot!!"

The proposal was only topped by Chris Myers' efforts to ruin the surprise. You may have agreed or disagreed with the timing of Johnson's proposal but there's no question it was strong. France manager Raymond Domenech got the wrong idea.

France was hustled out of Euro 2008 like Tracy McGrady out of the first round and Domenech thought it would be a great idea to propose to his lady friend during the post-match press conference.

"I have only one plan at the moment, it is to marry Estelle, " Domenech said when asked about whether he felt he had a future as France coach.

"And it is only this evening that I ask for her hand in marriage.

"I know it is difficult, but it is in moments like these that one has need of everyone, and I need her. "
Now that's a winning proposal. "Hey baby, my name is Raymond Domenech and I just oversaw the rape of France by the Netherlands, Italy AND Romania. I'm about to lose my job and move back in with my parents. So you wanna make this forever or what?" It worked for George Costanza so it should work for Domenech. Right? Right? ... Hello?

I Think Your Place Is Safe, Hon

Tight End Daniel Wilcox is willing to go to any end to show his dedication to the Baltimore Ravens. He'll stay late, come early ... and get married at M&T Stadium.

Baltimore Ravens tight end Daniel Wilcox is getting married in a couple of weeks to Shauna Chin, a former Ms. Belize. But the news here is that the ceremony will take place at the 50-yard line at M&T Bank Stadium, according to Wilcox's publicist. The bride will be carried into the stadium by a Cinderella-style horse-drawn carriage.
If he really wanted to show his love of the Ravens, he'd have Ms. Belize carried into the stadium of the shoulders of the Ravens' mascots, Edgar, Allen and Poe. Hopefully Art Donovan and Tony Siragusa will officiate the wedding. Wilcox better watch out for Ray Lewis. Everyone knows how he likes to be the center of attention. He'd probably run up to the 50-yard line during the ceremony and do his dance (as interpreted by Kevin Millar):

Letting rookie Tavares Gooden grab the mike during the end zone reception could also lead to some issues. No one wants to see Ms. Belize multiply that bitch up and get the Big Dick Bandit's dick size. Not the best way to build team unity. (Turn it down - NSFW)

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

From the Sacramento Bee:

Conspiracy theory - NBA fans hoping for a refresher course on Game 6 of the 2002 Western Conference finals were left with just their memories Thursday after videos disappeared on YouTube.

The playoff series between the Kings and Los Angeles Lakers resurfaced in headlines Tuesday after disgraced former referee Tim Donaghy alleged in court papers that officials manipulated Game 6.

Video clips of the other games of that playoff series remain uploaded on YouTube, but Game 6 is no longer available through the site.

Where did the infamous game go? YouTube isn't saying.

"We do not comment on individual videos or video sets," a spokesperson said.

And so the conspiracy continues.

Does this look like a man who has had all he can eat? Are these the actions of an innocent league?

Groin kick specialist. I'm sure there's a space for him on special teams.

You See What Had Happened Was...

What can we say about Javon Walker? We had one take late last night when we first read about him being found unconscious in a Vegas hotel driveway with a broken orbital bone. Brian Griese feels but doesn't remember his pain.

This morning, we find out that he is an alleged robbery victim. Norm Clarke reports that he was at Body English until 7 AM spraying the crowd with over 15 bottles of Dom Perignon. He did the same thing on Saturday night at a different Vegas club. The receiver has a long history with tearing up the club in Vegas.

Walker asked Broncos coach Mike Shanahan for permission not to attend [murdered Broncos teammate Darrent] Williams' funeral in Texas [in 2007], saying he was too distraught. Walker flew to Las Vegas the weekend of the funeral and was seen at Tryst.
Walker recently signed a six-year deal with the Raiders after crying his way out of Green Bay and losing his job in Denver. Hopefully, he's the unlucky victim of a robbery attempt. We don't want to imply anything more devious at this point but he might want to consider keeping his ass out of Vegas for a while. Then again, he better watch his back in Oakland.

**Does anyone know how we can get our hands on some of those Telly Savalas Players Club cards? We've been looking for years with no luck. Vegas, baby.

The Mets Are Like School On A Saturday

The Mets finally pulled the trigger and fired manager Willie Randolph along with pitching coach Rick Peterson and first base coach Tom Nieto at 3 AM EST this morning. Minaya informed them of their firing after they returned to the team hotel following the Mets win over the Angels. Randolph will be replaced by bench coach Jerry Manuel.

If the decision to fire them was made, the team could have informed them before they left for California after Sunday's home doubleheader. Instead they let them fly out west then drop the hammer when everyone's asleep? Did they think informing them in the middle of the night would subject them to less scrutiny? The timing is the problem here. It's indicative of the way the Mets' ownership runs the organization. One can argue about whether the firings were warranted but Randolph and his coaches deserved better than a midnight firing and a walk of shame back east. Stay classy, Omar.

This Guy Had About The Worst Day Ever

You've had a rough day when you get gored by a bull, in the groin, like this poor fella here. Jesus! This is superstar matador Jose Tomas having a bad bad day Sunday receiving quite a massive injury to his groin but living to bullfight again another day. That's right, he received medical attention on the spot, and actually walked away from the ring. That is one tough dude. Stupid...but tough. For this battle however, its Bull 1, Matador 0.

Check out more amazing but stupid pictures from The Daily Mail

This Is Just Ridiculous

Kwame Kilpatrick: Amateur
Mayor For Life: Professional

Monday, June 16, 2008

The Disgrace Of Aruba

Arubans should hang their heads in shame. Their royalty has embarrassed them once again. Sir Sidney Ponson has been cut from the Texas Rangers from “for disrespecting teammates and club personnel”. Even the guys that "didn't kill" that girl are glad they aren't him today. He should just go back to Aruba and start living like King Ralph.

Carefree Wherever He May Be, He Is The Famous KG

Know Your IWFL Players

The Ahern Inquirer introduces you to the dreamboats of the IWFL. I'm all a goo goo over Go-Go! Sardines and pork and beans ... covered with gravy and extra Crisco.

Bono Is No Craig Bellamy

Bono knows nothing about being a humanitarian. He may roam the halls of the UN Building and US Capitol advocating on behalf of his causes. He may make crowds chant slogans about racial and religious harmony at U2 shows and point out the Sikh kid in the crowd to show we're all one people. He may have converted Jesse Helms but can he rumble a casino? I think not. Craig Bellamy would be happy to offer some lessons for a couple Tennants.

The West Ham striker and resident asshole began to rehab his image by opening a football academy in Freetown, Sierra Leone. That didn't last long. Bellamy is accused of attacking a charity worker in Freetown after losing money in a casino following an all day bender.

“He was playing on a roulette table when something seemed to upset him. He was shouting and squaring up to people at the table.

“A few seconds later he jumped on one guy and started wrestling with him on the floor.

“The guy involved was an Englishman who is in Sierra Leone to help raise money for a charity that works with children orphaned by the civil war.
Bouncers eventually broke up the scuffle, dragged Bellamy out a rear exit and dumped him in the casino parking lot.
“Bellamy’s eyes were glazed over and he was in a rage. There were casino chips flying in the air and all hell broke loose. It took the local bouncers several minutes to drag Bellamy out of the club and all the time he was shouting and screaming abuse at everyone.
Bellamy has a long history of being a dick. The Sun has a rundown of his greatest hits.

FEBRUARY 2007: Bellamy attacked his then Liverpool team-mate John Arne Riise with a golf club because the Norwegian refused to take part in a karaoke contest.

NOVEMBER 2006: He was cleared of assaulting two women in a Cardiff nightclub.

MARCH 2004: The then Newcastle player brawled with assistant manager John Carver and hurled a chair at him.

JULY 2003: Bellamy was charged with racially-aggravated harassment outside a Cardiff nightclub but later acquitted.

SEPTEMBER 2002: He was found guilty by video evidence of butting an opponent while playing for Newcastle.

FEBRUARY 2002: He received a caution for hitting a woman in a nightclub.

He's just doing it for the kids. Stay classy, Craig.

Where's Hawkeye When You Need Him

You'd think the losses of Albert Pujols and Adam Wainwright would be bad enough for the Cards. Add Yadier Molina to the wounded list. It's enough to drive LaRussa to the sauce.

Molina somehow avoided serious injury after this collision with the Phillies Eric Bruntlett at home plate yesterday.

Have $16,000 To Spare?

If you do, you can own a mint condition 1954 Hank Arron Rookie card by Topps which is up for sale on Ebay right now. That is just sick that the bidding is up to over $16,000 right now. The auction ends today, and who knows where the final price is going to end up. Its a shame that no athlete today's rookie card will ever be this valuable with the over production and over collecting of modern baseball cards. When this was made, people were sticking them in bicycle spokes to make their rides sound like motorcycles, now they're a down payment on a house.

From Ebay