Friday, August 3, 2007

The "Real" Story Behind Andray Blatche's Arrest

As told by Mustafa Redonkulous:

Chimp and I were in Ward 8 looking for something to do earlier this week when we got an unexpected surprise. None other than Hizzoner Marion Barry drove by and rolled down the window.

"What it do, gentlemens? Good to see you again! I'm just checkin' on my constituents as I does. That soccer stadium got a little fucked up so I gotta make sure them Duke boys know what time it is. I promised jobs for my people and Mayor for Life always delivers. Yeah that's right. Mayor for Life, playboy."

We told him that we were looking for something to do. Maybe a show but we weren't sure.

"Sheeeit, man! All you had to do was say so! Sardines and pork and beans! We need to roll to the junkyard! I just kicked Sugar Bear's ass cause E.U.'s drummer hit the wrong beat on a bucket drum. Get in. I'll drop you off somewhere hot."

We jumped in his Escalade with the mayor-plated 22's and license plate that read, "JUMBO#1". We rolled off with Chuck Brown blasting out the open back. "Gimme da beat y'all! I feel like bustin' loose! Bustin' loose!"

In no time, we pulled up in Barry Farms. All we wanted to do was get out of the truck. We were about to thank Hizzoner and jump out when the driver sped up and drove on. We yelled that it was our stop but Hizzoner was mumbling to himself.

Mayor for Life looked at us and said, "Look I'll put you where you need to go once I do some things. Yeah...uh I gotta go somewhere right quick. See here, uh, I gotta do Abe Pollin a favor. Before I do that, I gotta make a stop for myself. Makes me all nervous and shit so I gotta get right before I go meet this cat. Gotta make Andray see DC's where he needs to be."

We had no idea what the hell he was talking about. The license plate should have been a warning. It made no difference that we weren't where we needed to be. It was his town and his rules and we were along for the ride.

Sure enough, his driver ripped through several blocks and we were across the river and back downtown in front of the Verizon Center in no time. Andray Blatche was standing on the corner. He hopped in and we took off.

Soon we were stopping every time we saw someone standing alone on the street. Barry would crack the window and try to talk over the music without turning it down. "You think this is a game?? You think this is a muthafuckin' game?? This is my boy Andray. We need to show him DC's where it's at." Of course he ended up having to raise his voice. Subtlety was not his forte. "Break yo'self! Don't you know who I is?? I'm the mayor! Say my man, would you happen to have a jumbo for your councilman? Yo 'Dray, you in?"

He asked everyone from a homeless man to a preacher man. It went on like this for 20 minutes until he finally found what he wanted. Satisfied, he leaned back in his seat after taking a long drag and turned to the driver. "Rashaan, you know what I need now? Chicken. Let's go to Popeye's. You know what 'Dray needs? Some DC punani."

Rashaan drove to the Popeye's on 14th St, NW. He pulled up and we fell out of the truck as smoke poured out the doors. Hizzoner doesn't believe in sharing second-hand smoke with anyone who didn't pay for the first-hand. No hotbox for us and if Andray didn't get some hotbox right quick, DC could kiss his ass goodbye.

Hizzoner rolled down the tinted window and down the street.
"You know what to do, 'Shaan. Boy, go with him and he'll show you why Chocolate City's the place for you."

Rashaan and Andray walked down 14th St. towards a woman standing on Thomas Circle. As they walked, they discussed strategy.
Rashaan: "Ok, check it. I'll do the talkin'. My name's Greg and yours is André."
Andray: "Yo, my name is Andray."
Rashaan: "André. Not Andray."
Andray: "Oh I get it. Cool."

They walked up to the woman and started talking with them. Chimp and I were following from a distance. We had to see where this was going. We couldn't hear much but Chimp swore he heard Andray say, "Yeah I like her. She smells like that empanada joint in Adams Morgan."

Just as they were about to head back to Jumbo 1, cop cars came flying from every direction and surrounded Rashaan, Andray and the two hookers. We took off at a quick pace in the opposite direction and made for the Dupont Metro station. As we walked down Mass. Ave., we heard screeching tires and a car barreling towards us. We turned around and saw none other than Mayor for Life in the driver's seat, blunt in mouth and laughing hysterically as he flew past us.

In the distance, we could see Andray and Rashaan being cuffed while the two hookers started feeling up the cops and that's when we knew that Andray wasn't going anywhere. He was staying in DC and he was staying on the cheap. Jebus bless Hizzoner.