Steven Seagal is protecting your borders Texas

Rape whistle inventor’s inspiration and Bobby Lupo avenger Steven Seagal was instrumental in the victories of Andersen Silva over Vitor Belfort at UFC 126, and Lyoto Machida’s victory over Randy Couture. Although Jon “Bones” Jones had the opportunity to learn the ways of the eskimo woman sensi, he chose to decline, which lead to him winning the fight anyway. Now we are learning that Steven Seagal may be taking his character from the Grindhouse crapfest Machete a little too seriously.

Courtesy of TMZ:

Mexicans looking to sneak into the United States have a brand new obstacle … a gun-toting Steven Seagal … who has just become an official border sheriff in Texas.

Seagal was sworn in as a sheriff’s deputy in Hudspeth County, Texas this weekend … and according to a sheriff’s dept. spokesman, he’ll be working full-time to help secure the border Texas shares with Mexico.

Shockingly, the rep insists Seagal’s work with the department has nothing to do with his A&E reality show, “Steven Seagal: Lawman.”

One of the sheriffs told, “It became very clear to me that Mr. Seagal is not in this for the celebrity or the publicity … He’s like the rest of us that live down here, he has a sincere passion for his country and he wants to do more to help.”

On a side note, Seagal looks like he’s ready to stroll the desert, at extremely high temperatures, and to, if necessary, give pursuit to these hopeful, hard-working, harmlessful Americans terrorists. Not only that but he probably won’t sweat, either.

Lyoto Machida is going to get a shot at Jon Bones Jones at UFC 140, blue balling the deliciousness of the grudge match between Rashad Evans and Lyoto Machida that is a terrific excuse to get a keg, invite your friends over, and reconfigure the descrambler on your television.

It sucks, but when Mr. Clean calls it on Twitter we all fall into line, unless you are Lyoto Machida and a rematch with Rashad Evans at UFC 133 is pending after Phil Davis was injured. Then, you just ask for “Anderson Silva money.” They’re both Brazilian, right? Then, how much can that really be!? (reads Economist, learns of Brazil’s growing global economic competitiveness).

To be fair, both fighters are training with Steven Seagal; the same man who made Richie Madano pay for shooting Bobby Lupo.

It doesn’t hurt matters that Dana White has no problem dismissing the UFC ranking system; we now get to see Lyoto Machida take on Jones instead of the grudge match with Evans. To be completely fair though, Evans is not 100 percent yet from his fight with Ortiz.

Taste the sad ESPN:

In 19 professional fights, only Jackson and Rua have beaten Machida. It was Rua who handed Machida his first professional loss and ended his brief reign as UFC light heavyweight champion on May 8, 2010.

During his most recent appearance inside the cage, Machida (17-2) ended his two-fight skid with a first-round knockout of Randy Couture at UFC 129. That bout was held April 30 in Toronto.

“Stylistically, he matches up well with Jones,” Machida’s manager, Ed Soares, told “The guys Jones has been fighting stand in front of him.

“The way Machida moves around the Octagon makes him a different type of fighter. Lyoto has the tools and the experience and the techniques to be able to beat Jon Jones.”

Jones has an 84.5″ wingspan, he could stand outside the octagon and still stick Machida.

Steven Seagal is the MMA Yoda part 2

Elderly eskimo-woman and weight watchers fugitive Steven Seagal is an MMA god. Seagal has worked with super-fighter and middleweight champion Anderson Silva, as well as former light heavyweight champion Lyoto Machida in his comeback win over the now-retired Randy Couture. With the exception of most Subway $5 footlongs, anything this guy touches becomes bigger and stronger.

This is in spite of the fact that Seagal’s martial arts discipline is Aikido, a defensive martial art, that over time has blended with some judo, that works best against smaller opponents and requires little physical strength to execute. It’s mostly redirecting an attacker’s energy and not a really aggressive discipline. That is why every Seagal movie shows him snapping people’s arms or throwing them into glass windows. Like there were thousands of glass windows aboard that submarine in Under Siege!

As we mentioned earlier, Seagal’s been volunteering to do laundry and buy green M&M’s for mentor MMA fighters, including UFC-living-legend Anderson Silva. Silva credited Seagal with a bizarre front kick that he used to finish Vitor Belfort at UFC 126. It turns out that Seagal asked Jon Bones Jones’ camp if he could address the champ before his fight with Rampage Jackson, no dice, according to Jones.

But Seagal still showed up as a spectator for UFC 135 and even gave an interview afterwards. The whole interview is pretty lame but perhaps worth a listen. Seagal takes the contrarian view that Jones didn’t look his best, despite the overwhelming interpretation otherwise, and that this was best he has ever seen Rampage look. Fair enough, I didn’t see the fight, but I do know that Rampage has never been known as a ring technician, he’s basically a boxer with some wrestling/slams, and Jones’ lines up well against that type of fight base.

Seagal also disagrees with Rogan’s take that this is the best that Jones has looked but at least Rogan’s been at all the fights, and even spars with many of the fighters. What would Rogan know anyway, though. Has he ever killed Screwface, and his twin brother? I don’t think so.

This video is worth a second look, like parody porn.

Brazilian import and Middleweight champion for the rest of his UFC career Anderson Silva was knocked by the die hards in the aftermath of UFC 126 because of the leak that Aikido bullshit artist Steven Seagal had been training him. Sure, he’d won 13 UFC fights in a row, but if we all trained with Seagal then we might have as well. “It’s almost cheating!” they cried. Fortunately, Silva was given another chance to prove he can win in the UFC.

Make that 14 UFC W’s in a row. Silva whooped dat trick on Yushin Okami by second-round TKO this past Saturday while residents of New Jersey grabbed two of every animal and built arcs out of plywood.

Courtesy of ESPN:

The win not only allowed Silva to defend his 185-pound belt for a UFC-best ninth time in a row, but he avenged a disqualification loss to Okami in January 2006.

Yeah, okay, Silva lost that fight because the rules of the fight were introduced to him like five seconds before the fight. He kicked Okami in the head while he was pulling guard; not exactly a decisive victory.

Silva is officially the greatest import to the U.S. since Camilla Alves before Mateo fired his previously-believed-to-be-defective-stoner man juice into her. President Obama visited Brazil in March to tout the unique economic partnership that the U.S. enjoys with Brazil. Coincidence? Yes, probably. Like how I banged your mom and then you were born (high fives frat bros, flashes penis to stewardesses).