Jacquelyn is definitely a winner

Captain Morgan not only goes good with parties and parent/teacher conferences.

Fact, TF has not been permitted to get anywhere near a woman in a long, long time since a little misunderstanding at the D.C. YMCA in 1998. His apartment is also littered with old Heavy Metal magazines, Pizza Hut boxes, and the entire collection of Steven Seagal movies (Under Siege 2: Dark Territory stays in the VHS). He spends his evenings making beef jerky, practicing his origami, and reading Metallica tablature. So when the head honchos at the Deuce told him he would be interviewing our Captain Morganette Jacquelyn for the bracketmaster competition, he was so excited that he almost had another misunderstanding in the pool at the YMCA (we’re not within 500 feet of a school are we?).

TF: Jacque, thanks for taking some time to talk with us today. The Deuce is thrilled to be working with Captain Morgan, something that has helped me get through three divorces, and two (?) kids, and we are also thrilled to have you as our Morganette (she had no choice!). For our readers, we just want to confirm that you are in fact a real person, not a hologram or a cyborg from the future, or even something from another planet?

Jacque: (Laughs) Yes, I am a real, living person. Living and breathing.

TF: Colorado seems like a great place to live (seriously, I grew up in Ohio!). Personally, I feel like if the entire world was swallowed up in the apocalypse that state would keep humming along like nothing changed. I mean Hunter S. Thompson lived there! I mean that in a good way.

Jacque: Well, I hope that doesn’t ever happen but I do love living here. I hope that (Denver and the state of Colorado) stay cemented here. It’s a great place to live for sure.

TF: I read in the news that medicinal marijuana has sprung an entire industry of pot cultivation in Denver. Any thoughts? Are you high RIGHT NOW?

Jacque: (Laughs) No, but that is around for people to indulge. The people outside of Denver, in the mountains sometimes like to say that there is a cloud (of smoke) over the city.

TF: In your video, which can be viewed here, you mentioned that you like to snowboard. What kind of snowboard do you have?

Jacque: Burton. They started it all.

TF: Do you currently hate Carmelo Anthony as much as I hate LeBron James? (Sticks pin into voodoo doll Lebron’s crotch)

Jacque: It’s too bad they (Denver native Chauncey Billups was also mentioned) are no longer on the team. There are definitely less tactful ways that (Carmelo) could have (forced a trade before the deadline). A lot of people are sad to see them leave. Hopefully we can get them both to come back here some day.

TF: Given his dedication to his faith, would you still go out with a guy like Tim Tebow, knowing that he is not only (probably going to be a) bad quarterback but also about as sexually advanced as a third grader (2nd grade in NYC public schools)?

Jacque: Oh, he’d be easy (to go on a date with). I am from New York, so I could handle it.

TF: I saw Captain Morgan in the background of the video playing ping pong. In another clip I saw one of the other Morganettes. Did you get a chance to play?

Jacque: We were all just having fun. Playing some pong, the Captain way.

There you have it. I have more notes but I can’t read, or write, so well.

Jacque has been out promoting both the competition and the Deuce of Davenport in Denver, CO and she needs all of our help, because god knows our editors are not the people to lend a hand. So, unless you are a soulless monster determined to deprive Jacque of the chance to get to the Final Four, vote here early and often!

ESPN Wants to “Culture” Texas Viewers

MMA Expert Turd Ferguson has tired of destroying MMA fighters.  He wants to go after something bigger: ESPN.

After a nice run in 1990′s, ESPN transmogrified into that abusive ex-boyfriend (or girlfriend, right Chuck Finley?) that you just wish like hell would go away for good. Sure, you still treasure the good times (Dan Patrick, Craig Kilborn), or the stuff that he/she still has that nobody else could offer (Monday Night Football, Tony Kornheiser) but you also recognize that the things that you liked at first (Chris Berman, Michael Wilbon) we’re never that good in the first place and are quickly destroying your life.

The “Worldwide Leader in Sports” (or just along the Eastern Corridor, Dallas, and the West Coast) recently inked a $300 million, 20-year television deal with the University of Texas.  For those of you looking for that Vince Young Longhornography, keep looking:

Non-athletic fare is likely to run for about three hours a day and include musical performances, plays, and documentaries by faculty members and students, Powers said. Details are yet to be worked out.

‘This will be high-level, entertaining cultural, music, scientific, Discovery Channel, History Channel kind of stuff,’ Powers said. ‘And we have a team put together working on it, and that will be done in collaboration with ESPN.’

Yes, because the last thing we would want on a sports channel would be sports, right? Remember the Alamo!

Also, ESPN is adding a new channel for the University of Texas and all viewers will get is one or two additional football games? That’s like when television networks try to air a cool movie, say “The Departed,” but then have to edit the hell out of it to the point where you are pretty much a lip reader by the end of the movie. What did he just say? GOD I AM SO LOST!

Or, they try to lure you in with movies of the week like “Goodfellas” but bombard you with weeknight schlock like “The Mummy Returns” or “Phone Booth.”  DECEPTIVE!

Similarly, how is Herm Edwards still employed? And why hasn’t anyone attempted to muzzle Chris Broussard?

Some mysteries in our universe will never be solved.

MMA expert Turd Ferguson strolled into the Deuce offices (aka “The Big Hunt”) last week, sat down and called for three fingers of Kentucky Gentlemen and a High Life.  Then he demanded we allow him to write about football.  We had no choice but to oblige.

If Gordon Gekko has taught American moviegoers one thing; it is that greed is good. If he has taught us two things, it is that greed is good and that Charlie Sheen wasn’t just pretending to like hookers when he played the role of “Bud Fox.”

Yes, America loves Gordon Gekko almost as much as we love stories about rags-to-riches-then-rags athletes, particularly those of the “busty” variety. Former No. 2 overall NFL draft pick/Detroit Lions’ historic skid mark Charles Rogers may need to rethink his approach to maintaining his empire as he watches burly men load his possessions into a moving truck. Read the rest of this entry

MMA expert Turd Ferguson addresses the recent addition of Brock Lesnar to UFC’s reality show, “The Ultimate Fighter.”

Although rumors of his departure to fight “The Undertaker” at WrestleMania have been loud, a much more likely destination for Brock Lesnar since his loss to Cain Velasquez would have been out exploring the Adirondacks, hunting and killing his food each and every day and growing a beard that would rival those worn by the members of ZZ Top.

Instead, UFC President Dana White announced undefeated Junior Dos Santos (6-0 in UFC), and Lesnar (5-2), will be the coaches on the upcoming 13th season of “The Ultimate Fighter.” The two heavyweights will also fight in June with the winner receiving a shot at Velasquez (12-1), who is holed up waiting to undergo surgery on the torn rotator cuff he suffered in his victory over Lesnar. Lay down a triangle until I tap ESPN:

The season will feature welterweight fighters and follow the same format as recent seasons. A field of 28 fighters is reduced to 14 official cast members by elimination fights usually aired on the first episode.

Welterweights? That’s only 170 lbs! Consider this: Lesnar walks the earth at around 300 lbs most of the year -he likely has bowel movements that weigh more than the guys he is going to be training. Brock is also famous for being reclusive, preferring to live and train in low-key, small town, ultra-white Minnesota rather than in more popular areas like Las Vegas, Arizona, or California (popular for fighting, partying, whatever!). He is also not known as someone who seeks advice from a lot of other fighters or for using his words. In addition, he’s not known as someone who enjoys being on camera, which is anathema to people like Tito Ortiz…or Ortiz’ wife when she’s making a living.

I guess what I’m saying is, get ready to see some UFC door smashing.

Taping of the show is set to begin later this month, debuting on Spike TV March 30. Now that Monday Night Football may be gone for the foreseeable future (as owners attempt to gouge the players), I guess it’s either this or reruns of “The Golden Girls.”

Many of you probably didn’t know this, but MMA expert Turd Ferguson is also a political junkie.  It’s what he uses to relax when he needs to come down off his workout sessions with fellow Fight Club members.  Just don’t ask him about them.

From boxing legend Muhammad Ali to boxing sideshow Mike Tyson, fighters of both the sweet science and the octagon have long been entrusted with the freedom to say things that would would be frowned upon and even punished in other professional sports leagues (ahem, NFL), and not in a good way (like when you pick up a stray on West Hollywood with promises of showbiz fame).

Since UFC President Dana White puts his foot in his mouth as much as his roster (or maybe Rex Ryan) it is only fitting that he allows most of these comments to go unchecked.

Exhibit A: Recently, Jacob Volkmann, fresh off of a victory at UFC 125 over Antonio McKee, did not let the opportunity to level threats against his nation’s leader go to waste. In addition to combat sports, Volkmann is also a former fellow at the Heritage Foundation, or rather, he just wants to threaten a man who leads the most powerful military in the world. Ever.

Mr. Volkmann will now have 60 seconds to respond to the question:

“I went out there and the guy introduced himself and said he was from the Secret Service and he wanted to ask me some questions about UFC 125 and my quote. He said there were people calling in to D.C. telling them that somebody, me, was threatening the President.”

The Secret Service, which is sort of the D.C. version of the Crips, Bloods, MS-13, and the Westies all rolled into “The Expendables.”

“People were misunderstanding the point of view I was going for with the health care plan. That’s why they were getting so upset. I’m thinking about the provider, I’m a chiropractor, so I’m thinking about my point of view, not everyone getting insurance. They don’t have to worry about getting denied, which is good I guess, just not good for health care providers,” said Volkmann.

Volkmann’s definitely got more than a few supporters, including fellow-UFC fighter Brock Lesnar. I think the Republicans have their ticket!  Volkmann-Lesnar in ’12!!!!