Steven Seagal is protecting your borders Texas

Rape whistle inventor’s inspiration and Bobby Lupo avenger Steven Seagal was instrumental in the victories of Andersen Silva over Vitor Belfort at UFC 126, and Lyoto Machida’s victory over Randy Couture. Although Jon “Bones” Jones had the opportunity to learn the ways of the eskimo woman sensi, he chose to decline, which lead to him winning the fight anyway. Now we are learning that Steven Seagal may be taking his character from the Grindhouse crapfest Machete a little too seriously.

Courtesy of TMZ:

Mexicans looking to sneak into the United States have a brand new obstacle … a gun-toting Steven Seagal … who has just become an official border sheriff in Texas.

Seagal was sworn in as a sheriff’s deputy in Hudspeth County, Texas this weekend … and according to a sheriff’s dept. spokesman, he’ll be working full-time to help secure the border Texas shares with Mexico.

Shockingly, the rep insists Seagal’s work with the department has nothing to do with his A&E reality show, “Steven Seagal: Lawman.”

One of the sheriffs told, “It became very clear to me that Mr. Seagal is not in this for the celebrity or the publicity … He’s like the rest of us that live down here, he has a sincere passion for his country and he wants to do more to help.”

On a side note, Seagal looks like he’s ready to stroll the desert, at extremely high temperatures, and to, if necessary, give pursuit to these hopeful, hard-working, harmlessful Americans terrorists. Not only that but he probably won’t sweat, either.

Kimbo Slice Is Back And Winning

So Kimbo Slice is again reinventing himself. The one time backyard brawler superstar turned perennial MMA assault victim is now attempting to become a professional boxer. Slice’s first match was this past weekend against James Wade (0-1 career) at Buffalo Run Casino in Miami, Okla and to no one’s surprise, Kimbo won.

You can actually watch the entirety of the fight below as it lasted just eleven seconds. Yeah, eleven seconds. Quality fight right there. I mean, c’mon, even Don King is shaking his head at this match-up.

Regardless, enjoy watching Kimbo attempt to regain some semblance of a career…at least until someone asserts some copyright claim on the video.

Dana White is a good sport

Former aerobics instructor turned Zuffa Lottery winner Dana White has a habit of shooting his mouth off. He also has a habit of burning fighters. To many, his comments are refreshing in an age where athletes and promoters are actively encouraged to say nothing and offend no one, an impossible feat unless you’re Will Smith or somebody like that. To others, White represents a somewhat tired act of ingratitude, and his relationships with his fighters have run the entire spectrum of love and hate. So you basically want to give him a hug but then start to strangle him, like most of my sexual encounters.

Given what we already know, just take a guess what happened after Fedor got pounded in the cage last week and White had his smart phone (Now with 4G!) to tweet about it:

With plenty of longtime mixed martial arts fans on the emotional edge following the beatdown of Fedor Emelianenko, there was one man who was fired up to see the Russian go down in flames. Minutes after Fedor fell badly at the hands of Antonio Silva, Dana White hit Twitter, posted a smiley face and then opened up the blowtorch.
Longtime Fedor backers and fans of PRIDE were bent and White stirred the pot. He threw out barbs like “M-Done” for M-1 and “VaDummy” for Vadim Finkelchtein, Fedor’s manager.

Twitter is terrific because athletes and celebrities can muse about all kinds of topics, most of which they know so little about that to even try to debate them would be a waste of time. This is not one of those times. Fedor chased quick paydays and tomato can opponents and built a reputation as the baddest heavyweight fighter walking the planet. Eventually everybody in MMA is going to go down. It’s like when you buy your girl diamonds…they pretty much have to.

MMA expert Turd Ferguson addresses the recent addition of Brock Lesnar to UFC’s reality show, “The Ultimate Fighter.”

Although rumors of his departure to fight “The Undertaker” at WrestleMania have been loud, a much more likely destination for Brock Lesnar since his loss to Cain Velasquez would have been out exploring the Adirondacks, hunting and killing his food each and every day and growing a beard that would rival those worn by the members of ZZ Top.

Instead, UFC President Dana White announced undefeated Junior Dos Santos (6-0 in UFC), and Lesnar (5-2), will be the coaches on the upcoming 13th season of “The Ultimate Fighter.” The two heavyweights will also fight in June with the winner receiving a shot at Velasquez (12-1), who is holed up waiting to undergo surgery on the torn rotator cuff he suffered in his victory over Lesnar. Lay down a triangle until I tap ESPN:

The season will feature welterweight fighters and follow the same format as recent seasons. A field of 28 fighters is reduced to 14 official cast members by elimination fights usually aired on the first episode.

Welterweights? That’s only 170 lbs! Consider this: Lesnar walks the earth at around 300 lbs most of the year -he likely has bowel movements that weigh more than the guys he is going to be training. Brock is also famous for being reclusive, preferring to live and train in low-key, small town, ultra-white Minnesota rather than in more popular areas like Las Vegas, Arizona, or California (popular for fighting, partying, whatever!). He is also not known as someone who seeks advice from a lot of other fighters or for using his words. In addition, he’s not known as someone who enjoys being on camera, which is anathema to people like Tito Ortiz…or Ortiz’ wife when she’s making a living.

I guess what I’m saying is, get ready to see some UFC door smashing.

Taping of the show is set to begin later this month, debuting on Spike TV March 30. Now that Monday Night Football may be gone for the foreseeable future (as owners attempt to gouge the players), I guess it’s either this or reruns of “The Golden Girls.”

MMA expert Turd Ferguson doesn’t like two things to be messed with: his whey powder and his MMA.  Kevin James, watch your back big boy.

Getting back to the movie world, Kevin James, illustrious actor of “Paul Blart: Mall Cop,” and “Overeaters Anonymous (haha, he’s fat!)” fame has soiled the proverbial gym shorts of the MMA world by agreeing to star in a film being produced by Sony Pictures (and quite possibly Lucifer) about the zany side of MMA.

“James is attached to play a physics teacher whose school faces drastic cutbacks. In an attempt to save his best friend’s job and the music program his students love, he moonlights in the octagon as a mixed martial arts fighter, ultimately leading to brawling.”

And yet, guys like Keith Jardine have to eat out of dumpsters instead of fighting under the UFC banner. That’s awesome.

So, who’s gonna direct this “masterpiece,” anyway? M. Night Shyamalan? (Laughs heartily, rereads article carefully, sweats bullets).

Contrarians may be tempted to point to this as yet another positive sign for MMA, and UFC in particular, and furthermore, definitive proof of the growth in acceptance of MMA as a legitimate sport and mainstream form of entertainment. A movie can only help UFC, right? Allow me to submit my counterargument:

[Editor's note: TF choked himself out before the trailer was complete.  I guess that means he thinks this Kevin James movie will be  bad. Personally, I loved "King of Queens."  That chick that was supposed to be his wife was hot!]