It was Sunday afternoon. Wasn’t a damn thing funny. Bitch, Manchester City has that money. Apparently it pays for penalties against MLS teams and mediocre strikers.

While most English Premier League teams are bedazzling foreign countries with the ugliest of new jerseys, out of shape players and bullshit pre-season training, City’s Mario Balotelli is showing the world what his midseason form is all about.

The guy [Dzeko] who only scored one goal for City last season calling Balotelli out? Priceless. “I may go straight Torres on a goal but I can’t go for that“.

Balotelli throwing a “vaffanculo” at City manager Roberto Mancini? That’s a benching. He ended last season starting a fight with Manchester United players after City’s FA Cup win, cursing on TV in his post-match interview and getting smacked down in a club after hitting on some guy’s girlfriend. If this is his pre-season, we can’t wait until the Premier League kicks off. Consider this post the first entry in the Balotelli Blotter. Wherever he fucks up, we’ll be there. Stick with us. It’ll be worth your time.

And yes that was a Cheap Trick to get that Chromeo/Daryl Hall video in there. See how that happened?

That must be the reason why Manchester City’s Mario Balotelli is such an immature asshole. It wouldn’t be surprising if the guy giving him the V-sign is a City supporter let alone a Manchester United fan. Even his own teammates and manager have had it with his antics. He can’t even have a minor parking incident without the hoi polloi letting him have it. Not surprising he can’t park a car. He can’t even put a bib on without incident.

Everyone Needs To Get Off Mike Ashley’s Back

Last time we saw Newcastle owner Mike Ashley, he was tearing up Pink Elephant and buying 175 bottles of Cristal while Rome burned. Now fans are giving him a hard time for selling striker Andy Carroll to Liverpool. They need to back up off him like Ed Lover and Dr. Dre. The man has issues.

Newcastle managed to take Liverpool for £35M in exchange for Carroll. One would think the Scousers would have seen it coming considering how robbery is their forte. No way he’s worth that amount despite that being what the market will bear.

Carroll claimed he was forced out. Of course he could have refused to sign a new contract but everyone knows he’s full of shit like Harry Redknapp. He should be happy. He’s now in a city that embraces a criminal like him. Meanwhile Newcastle fans are left holding the team’s official calendar which features Liverpool’s newest striker as Mr. February.

That’s not the worst of it. Newcastle supporters should know better if they think Ashley is going to reinvest the proceeds from the Carroll sale. He would have bought another striker to replace him before the transfer window closed. He’s got more important things to do like lose nearly £1M playing craps.

The Newcastle United owner blew the cash on a night out with team manager Alan Pardew.

At first he hit a winning streak and was soon up £130,000.

Then his luck turned and after two hours’ further play at the craps table he was down an eye-watering £970,000.

Apparently Ashley didn’t care. He still has £889M to lose and he’ll get a decent payout from balloon payments when Newcastle gets relegated again. What’s the lesson here? Alan Pardew makes everything he touches a loser. Somewhere Chris Hughton is laughing.

Seriously, Ashley is going to ruin the club he claims to love through idiotic decisions. For all the talk about Liverpool’s ownership issues, Newcastle has the most to worry about over the rest of the season and into the next. He fired Hughton who brought the team back to the Premier League and had them playing well. He replaced him with a manager who is a perennial loser and was fired from a lower league job because he couldn’t get it done there. He can’t be trusted to buy players who would help the team long or short term. It’s a recipe for disaster.

Photo: The Sun

Don’t let us tell you. Let the Wigan midfielder tell you himself.

“The truth about life in Wigan is that there is nothing to do.”

“It is a crappy place. The town is tiny, and there is no atmosphere.”

“…After training I was able to go for a peaceful stroll. It was never really cold over there.

“But as for here - don’t get me started! When it snowed I felt like the temperature was minus 15, and feared I was going to turn into an ice cube.”

Speaking to French magazine So Foot, he added: “It is a myth to claim that all English women are ugly. But I won’t lie, it is rare to see truly beautiful girls when you go out during the day.

“In Madrid I had the impression that all the women were beautiful.

“But it’s a different story when you go out in the evening here. The girls seem to cover themselves up all day, only to be in good-looking mode at night.”

Well then tell us how you feel. We’re not going to argue with Diame about Wigan. However he might want to worry more about not getting beat by Shaun Wright-Phillips. His only move is to sprint directly into the closest defender after going on a mad run.

Andy Gray says if Diame thinks the women in Wigan are busted, he should check out Newcastle. Why does he think Darren Bent wanted out so bad? Think Andy Carroll and Joey Barton fight all the time for the hell of it? It’s training to keep the wolves at bay.

The 3.5 long-time readers of the Deuce or people who are familiar with me know that I’ve followed Chelsea for years. Believe you me when I tell you I’m pissed at the way transfers have worked out since last summer. Chelsea owner “Uncle” Roman Abramovich better start splashing the cash on proper players and stop trying to half ass it this month. Then again maybe I and other Chelsea fans should cut him some slack. Transfers haven’t been his thing lately. Here come three recent examples. Wrote a post about it. Like to read it? Here it go.

1. Chelsea, through Abramovich’s wallet, have had pretty good luck getting Africans into the UK. Didier Drogba and Michael Essien among others. Recently it seems like he’s getting cocky after slipping John Obi Mikel and Salomon Kalou’s useless ass into the country. Now he’s just trying to import Africans en masse. Too bad he didn’t count on the British High Commission.

Our favorite oligarch attempted to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro in 1998. He failed miserably due to altitude issues. The lesson was never try.** He was helped down by local porters who were hired to help him climb the mountain. He promised to fly them to London for a Chelsea match as a way to show his gratitude. Unfortunately the British government didn’t trust that they would return to Tanzania after the match. They ended up getting an all-expense paid trip to Moscow for a match instead. It probably came with a skinhead and police beatdown.

Good on Roman for offering to fly them to London but we’re sure he just wanted them around to carry him from Stamford Bridge to his home(s) or wherever else he needs to go. Everyone can see the toll it’s taking on Drogba, Essien, Mikel and Kalou. They need to focus on getting Chelsea back into the top 4 and they can’t do that when they’re on call 24/7. For the love of Gbagbo*, Drogba has malaria!

2. Abramovich is also making bad transfer decisions outside his business life as well. He threw a New Year’s Eve party at his $90 million St. Bart’s estate. One would hope that a man of his means would have discriminating taste like that rich Russian guy on the DirecTV commercials with the mini-giraffe. He doesn’t (beyond his soccer team and girlfriend).

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