Many of you probably didn’t know this, but MMA expert Turd Ferguson is also a political junkie.  It’s what he uses to relax when he needs to come down off his workout sessions with fellow Fight Club members.  Just don’t ask him about them.

From boxing legend Muhammad Ali to boxing sideshow Mike Tyson, fighters of both the sweet science and the octagon have long been entrusted with the freedom to say things that would would be frowned upon and even punished in other professional sports leagues (ahem, NFL), and not in a good way (like when you pick up a stray on West Hollywood with promises of showbiz fame).

Since UFC President Dana White puts his foot in his mouth as much as his roster (or maybe Rex Ryan) it is only fitting that he allows most of these comments to go unchecked.

Exhibit A: Recently, Jacob Volkmann, fresh off of a victory at UFC 125 over Antonio McKee, did not let the opportunity to level threats against his nation’s leader go to waste. In addition to combat sports, Volkmann is also a former fellow at the Heritage Foundation, or rather, he just wants to threaten a man who leads the most powerful military in the world. Ever.

Mr. Volkmann will now have 60 seconds to respond to the question:

“I went out there and the guy introduced himself and said he was from the Secret Service and he wanted to ask me some questions about UFC 125 and my quote. He said there were people calling in to D.C. telling them that somebody, me, was threatening the President.”

The Secret Service, which is sort of the D.C. version of the Crips, Bloods, MS-13, and the Westies all rolled into “The Expendables.”

“People were misunderstanding the point of view I was going for with the health care plan. That’s why they were getting so upset. I’m thinking about the provider, I’m a chiropractor, so I’m thinking about my point of view, not everyone getting insurance. They don’t have to worry about getting denied, which is good I guess, just not good for health care providers,” said Volkmann.

Volkmann’s definitely got more than a few supporters, including fellow-UFC fighter Brock Lesnar. I think the Republicans have their ticket!  Volkmann-Lesnar in ’12!!!!

Herschel Walker is a Socialist

Our resident MMA expert Turd Ferguson addresses recent MMA news and notes.

Hershel Walker is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, and sprinkled with a little bit of crazy. Walker has had only one professional fight and is scheduled to fight again for Strikeforce on January 29th, yet he has some ideas about how to improve his latest athletic endeavor.

“I think the fighters in the sport are just now starting to make good money,” Walker [said]. “The promoters are making good money, and sooner or later the fighters should start making good money. Some of them make OK money but not great money. But the way the contracts are written for the UFC, sooner or later there needs to be a union. I think a union should come in.”

A union could help protect fighters from shenanigans like this and would give fighters some basic levels of health benefits in a brutal sport. But, this is America, and what’s good for one fighter, say with mental health issues (cough, War Machine, cough) may not be good for all fighters. This is also “AMERICA,” and if we want to get beaten unconscious, and then lick our wounds with a bottle and a babe, then so be it (cue the National Anthem, light the sparklers). Walker also thinks that MMA should be an Olympic sport. Agreed. If ice skating is an Olympic sport, then why not haul out the octagon and give it a try? Also, mud wrestling.

(Language NSFW, but Safe For Kickin’ Ass)

In case you haven’t noticed, MMA has been in the headlines lately.  Expect a lot from our resident MMA-Expert Turd Ferguson in the coming days.  Here, T.F. weighs in on the rumored departure of former Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar.

In the 1980’s, professional wrestlers were real-life gladiators, confronting the dual challenges of vanishing scrotums and hairlines against the physical limitations of excessive weightlifting and zero cardio. On any given night, in arenas across the country, well-oiled hot dog-resembling hard bodies would collide for the coveted WWF championship; a gaudy belt that all but guaranteed its owner a bounty of lap dances and boilermakers in all the finest strip clubs and truck stops across the land. His likeness would also adorn only the dirtiest, sweatiest, and tightest cotton t-shirts that trailer-dwellers could purchase. Mock if you must, dear reader, but to the broad array of folks sustaining our mobile home industry, these athletes represented living gods.

Today, like most sports, pro wrestling has evolved. WrestleMania is now a bigger draw than ever, with cities bidding for the right to host it like those dudes in “Hostel.” Every spring, Vince “Clean living” McMahon throws a White Trash Woodstock extravaganza that’s nothing short of a GWAR concert. Please know that WrestleMania is oh, much more than merely a rite of passage for the flyover states, Tea Party activists, and Girls Gone Wild litigants; indeed, it’s more like a monster-truck rally rolled into a porn convention sprinkled with an Insane Clown Posse concert.

Brock Lesnar knows this, but do you?

Famous “journalist” for “non-sports sports” (and probably National Closet-Masturbating Champion) Dave Meltzer, reports Brock “Erik the Red” Lesnar is eyeballing a return to the WWE much like he probably eyeballs a vial of Winstrol just before he takes that big injection in his bum (GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE GUTTER! I’m talking about ‘roids!).

Meltzer reports Lesnar could pocket $2M to take on “The Undertaker,” who is a whopping 18-0 in Wrestlemania -the greatest fake sports record after Barry Bonds and Wilt Chamberlain. Lesnar’s star is never going to be any brighter, and apparently he wants a big check to step into the squared circle before going back to real fights (and sports).

Of course, we would be remiss if we did not mention the fact that Lesnar is somewhat infamous for his inability to stay in one place for too long, much like myself on Father’s Day or during a certain Christian holiday that demands a sustained presence with your offspring and a gift exchange. Lesnar was a big draw in the WWE from 2002-2004 but left $45M on the table so he could try out for the Los Angeles Minnesota Vikings as a defensive lineman. A motorcycle accident derailed his efforts and led to his eventual release.  Subsequently, Lesnar began his MMA career in 2007.

Still, if Lesnar wants to slip back on the black trunks and boots for a quick payday against the ‘Taker, I say do it. The Rock did this several times while he was off making crappy movies and even over-the-hill athletes like Lawrence Taylor, Pete Rose, Mike Tyson, and Mr. T have stepped into the squared circle and put their lives and reputations on the line. At this point in his career, Lesnar’s situation isn’t much different.

Fools Get Dealt With When Parkour Meets MMA

“Oh my goodness! Did you see that? He ran up the wall like a ninja!”

Anthony “Showtime” Pettis went straight Matrix on former champion Benson Henderson in the last WEC fight. Check out this flying knee that dropped Henderson but amazingly didn’t finish him off.

Henderson somehow managed to recover and the match ended in a win for Pettis via unanimous decision.

It’s safe to say Dana White won’t be calling this assclown for a UFC fight anytime soon. Then again…