More (Fake) Texts From Last Night

The last time I ran my close, personal texts from the sporting world’s elite, I noted how I liked to read the “real” Texts From Last Night and experience the schadenfreude. After awhile though, the site becomes more and more difficult to visit because you start picturing the people in the text messages actually performing some of the activities they’re texting about and it makes you jealous. In my mind, all of the women engaging in this drunken debauchery (save for the really depraved and creepy stuff) look like Vanessa Hudgens and all of the dudes are that guy who knocked up the hot Kardashian sister. I know in reality there is no way this is the case, but still: I want to read something that makes me feel better about myself, not a constant reminder of how old and boring I’m getting.  So, for the time being, I’ll stick with Lamebook. On to the texts:

First up, Mike Leake: apparently not a Macy’s card holder.

Next up, Shane Battier, who hit a game-winner and became a father for the second time on Sunday: Read the rest of this entry

(Fake) Texts From Last Night

Whenever I’m having a really bad day, I like to take a trip over to Texts From Last Night and scroll through some of the “Worst Nights.” Always makes me feel a little better. In case you didn’t know, famous athletes and their brethren don’t always have great nights either. Wonder what’d it’d be like to get a text from an athlete? Dream no more. I shall share a few of the choice nuggs I came across in the last week or so:

Miguel Cabrera:

Well, I guess he’s got to get it out of his system before the best season of his life starts. Right Jim Leyland? Here’s James Dolan:

“I’m the Wiz, and NOBODY BEATS ME!”  Want to know what was on Daytona 500 winner Trevor Bayne’s mind right when he got to Victory Lane?

Dan Snyder has had a rough off-season.  Nonetheless, that’s not going to stop him from doing his best to continue ruining a once-proud franchise!

Lastly, I caught up with seventeen year-old Eliza Kruger, former paramour of NY Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez:

Dan Snyder Just Can’t Get It Right

I don’t know if you know it or not, but I have taken a gig writing at SB Nation D.C., a Washington D.C. focused sports blog that is part of the family of sports blogs. Anyway, if you’re reading this and you are either a D.C. sports fan or interested in the train wreck that is Daniel Snyder you should read this piece I wrote up on an interview he just did with Fox Sports. Snyder never ceases to amaze me.

Or not, whatever.

Brian Westbrook Talks Redskins With NFLPA

Yesterday Brian Westbrook sat down with the NFL Players Association for an interview about his offseason and his career.  In this interview, B-West had a few things to say about the Redskins and his offseason visits with teams and a couple things he said really stuck out to me.  First:

Q: How did your recent visit with the Washington Redskins go?

A: It went really well. I enjoyed them and the coaching staff. I’d love to be a part of that organization. They have a quality organization—I just have to find out if I can fit into their system.

Ok, nothing super interesting there, just typical “Please sign me!” type stuff, except for the fitting into the system thing.  I think what he’s really saying is that he’s not sure he wants to split carries with the “Return of the 2005 Running backs SUPER STARS!” backfield the Redskins currently have on their roster.  Apparently he’s not sold on Mike Shanahan’s VOLTRON theory on old running backs…neither am I.

Let us continue…

Q: Being from the Washington, D.C. area and playing your high school ball at DeMatha, how special would it be if you were to play here?

A: Of course it would be special to play in your hometown, where you were born and raised and still live. Of course it would be special to be on a team with a winning tradition.

Wait a minute here, a winning tradition?  In Washington DC?  Maybe if he’s talking about DeMatha but I’m not sure he really believes that the Redskins really have a great winning tradition.  Sure from 1971-1976 they made the playoffs for 5 out of 6 years.  Also, we all know what they did in the 80s and early 90s…but since 1992, this team has made the playoffs just 3 times.  3 times in 18 years.  Hell of a tradition there, huh?

This team has been in DC since 1937, do know how many times they’ve made the playoffs since they arrived in Washington?  22 times.  Yes, just 22 times in over 75 years.  As a comparison, the Dallas Cowboys didnt come into existance until 1960 and you know how many times they’ve been to the playoffs?  30…in almost 30 less years.  Winning tradition in DC?  Hah!

Lets move on, here’s what else he said about the Redskins: Read the rest of this entry

Much to Bud Selig’s dismay, yesterday, the Washington Redskins took a really old-looking Donovan McNabb and paraded him before their belabored fanbase (Anybody else notice the moustache and receding hairline?  Maybe Shanahan and Bruce Allen should have insisted upon a face-to-face before they pulled the trigger on a trade for a guy who Deadspin referred to as ”Carl Winslow”).  Fans were excited duped enough to play “arts and crafts” with old Heath Shuler jerseys, Joe Theismann took NFL Analyst Hyperbole to new levels, and the team found itself back where it usually is this time of year: spending wildly on older players who have seen better days.  Shocker.  Anyway, the Redskins made a big deal about it.  Donovan talked a lot like a scorned ex-boyfriend.  Here’s the Redskin fantasy.  Below that is the reality. 
The quarterback holding the burgundy No. 5 Washington Redskins jersey was Donovan McNabb. From everything that was said, it might have been simpler to just go ahead and call him John Elway II.
It might be simpler, but it would also be dumber.  At age 33, McNabb has had a much better career than Elway had at the same age.  But sorry, that’s where happy time ends.
The six-time Pro Bowl star was formally introduced Tuesday at Redskins Park. All things being equal, he would rather be preparing for a 12th season with the Philadelphia Eagles, but an Easter Sunday trade between NFC East rivals has opened what he called “a new chapter in the book of Donovan.”
That’s what you always want to hear when you give up two high draft picks and roughly $17M for a player: “Hey, I’d rather be somewhere else, but I guess this is ok.  So where’s that Ben’s Chili Bowl place that I keep hearing about?”
“I’ve always believed in finishing where you started,” McNabb said. “I think there’s a lot to be said with that. Not a lot of quarterbacks in this league are able to do that these days. Sometimes change is better. Sometimes you’re forced into change. I would have loved to [stay in Philadelphia], but it didn’t happen.”
You’re still talking about Philadelphia?  You were “forced” to come to DC?  Man, could you at least wait until “The Danny” leaves the press conference?  Do you think Tom Cruise would have said this about the Weinsteins after Snyder bought New Line
Instead, he is with the Redskins and new coach Mike Shanahan, and both went to great lengths to say that trading two draft picks for a 33-year-old quarterback with a few nicks is a solid investment.
A “few nicks?”  ”Dunn-a-vin” has played one full season since 2004.  Let’s also take a look at the math real quick: $17M for one year of a 33-year-old QB who has trouble staying healthy.  In turn, they give up one 2nd round pick who would probably start for 3-4 seasons at maybe $1.5-2.5M per year, tops.  If McNabb makes the Pro Bowl, which shouldn’t be too hard (he made it last year), the other traded pick becomes a 3rd round pick, which is another 3-4 years of a starter/backup at an even lower salary.  So, $17M and 6-8 cost-controlled years of potentially two-starters for a “small upgrade” at quarterback.  I’m not impressed.   
“I’m turning 34 this year,” McNabb said. “And [Shanahan] finished John’s career with two Super Bowls. Hopefully I can continue to follow behind that… People were saying John Elway should retire,” Shanahan said, “until he won the Super Bowl.”
Well, it might help if you had an offensive line loaded with All-Pros and a running back like Terrell Davis, who had 3,758 yards and 36 touchdowns during those two Super Bowl seasons.  But we’ll get back to that…
Before the pursuit of such lofty goals, there were the necessary reflections and thank yous from McNabb to Philadelphia. Most of his words for his former team and city were upbeat and gracious — “I felt I was treated fair” — with maybe a slight dig or two thrown in.  Surprisingly, McNabb said he has spoken “not much” about the trade with Andy Reid, his coach for his entire tenure with the Eagles. He portrayed himself as fallout from a Philadelphia youth movement.
Still talking about Philly?  C’mon dude, at least mention something about DC.  You got a lot to go with: Barack, Ovechkin, the ridiculous cost of living, etc.  Well, at least he didn’t threaten to retire
“They’re [Philadelphia] rebuilding, and they’re going young,” McNabb said. “So I never knew 33 years old was old, but I guess I’m too old.”
Possibly.  Joe Montana, Dan Marino, Johnny Unitas and Terry Bradshaw were all basically done by the time they were 34, and they were pretty good… So I guess it’s not too much of a stretch.

And, while Shanahan’s offense will have its similarities to Reid’s, McNabb cited what he thinks will be one substantial difference.  “It starts with the run game,” McNabb said. “I know probably a lot of you come from Philly don’t know much about that run game. But we will run the ball here.”

Oh, will you?  With who?  Larry JohnsonWillie ParkerClinton Portis?  2009 combined: 1,445 yards and 1 touchdown.  Combined.  Not exactly Terrell Davis… And who will be blocking for them?  The guy who once ate himself out of the league or the dude from the Under Siege movies?

“We had two young guys on the outside, a very effective tight end, a young running back, [Brian] Westbrook was coming off an injury, the offensive line was trying to jell, we were mixing guys in, and some guys were hurt,” McNabb said. “But they moved in another direction. There’s nothing I can do on that particular point.” McNabb said he expects “hopefully cheers” when he returns to Philadelphia with the Redskins next season, yet he refused to portray it a special date on his mental calendar… His agent, Fletcher Smith, said he and McNabb didn’t end up having to object to an undesirable destination. “He and Andy have a special relationship, and he did right by Donovan at the end of the day,” Smith said. “There wasn’t a time when we had to tell a team we weren’t going to come.”

…”we”… “special relationship”… still not talking about the Redskins…

The next priority is a contract extension for McNabb, whose current deal expires at the end of the upcoming season.

You damn right it is.  You don’t find nicked-up soon-to-be 34-year-old QBs just anywhere!  And lest you forget, this is still Danny’s team.  Nobody’s better at putting together overpaid 7-9 squads that their fans hate to watch.  Which, he will subsequently pay some other over-the-hill guy more millions to come in and tear apart.

Another bit of housekeeping for McNabb was a talk with his good friend Jason Campbell, the Redskins’ starter for the last 3½ seasons. Shanahan said the Redskins have given Campbell permission to explore a trade up to the April 22-24 draft.

How honorable.  By the way, Campbell had a completion percentage of 64.5% last year; McNabb was at 60%.  Campbell also played a full season.  He stands to make just over $3M this year and is five years younger.

“It feels like being drafted again,” McNabb said. “You been selected by a new team. You’re going through all the emotions of learning new plays, being with the guys, working out, so it feels like I’m about 22 again.”  He laughed and added: “The body may not respond that way.”

Any more good news, big guy? 

He’s definitely not in Philly anymore.

Yeah, pretty sure we got that.