It just doesn’t pay to be a judge in Mexico these days. If drug cartels don’t try to kill you, bodybuilding contestants will finish you off WWE style. Watch this guy’s reaction to finishing in 3rd place.

Give it up for off-brand San Francisco. While most of the country moves forward, Oakland keeps it Chicago Irish. North Side Irish and South Side Irish have separate St. Patrick’s Day parades because they can’t get along. Oakland Police are banned from officially sanctioned boxing matches because they fight with other law enforcement agencies as well as everyone else.

International Association of Boxing president Steve Fosum banned Oakland police officers from IAB sanctioned fights after they got into it with spectators watching a fight.

The fracas began after an Oakland police boxer named Casey Johnson beat Larry “Psycho” Ward, a state corrections officer in the final fight of the night. Witnesses said that dozens of Oakland officers had shown up to support Johnson and were taunting Ward during the fight.

After the fight, Ward went to his corner, and according to fight promoter Tom Gaffney, that’s when three Oakland officers stood up and began yelling at Ward. Other spectators stood up and confronted the three officers, and the situation quickly escalated.

No punches were thrown but a chair was tossed and shoving ensued. The Oakland Police need to take lessons from Long Island and New Jersey douchebags. Witnesses should count themselves lucky. Officers from the same department got in trouble three weeks prior to the incident. They shot and killed a baby deer. Before you get upset, keep one thing in mind. Ducks are assholes.

Your old school of the hour: Juicy Gotcha Crazy by Oaktown 3.5.7.

We’re not sayin’, we’re just sayin’. Baseball fans still don’t know why Ken Griffey Jr. was crying in the locker room. If we had to make an uneducated guess, we’d guess that Mariner Moose had a hand in it.

Moose experts warn that people should keep their distance from moose especially when they’re in heat. Mariners fan Victor Aguilar found this out the hard way after he had his ass handed to him in a sack by the Moose.

Aguilar attempted to get a picture with the Seattle mascot but claimed that he received a beatdown instead.

“I was going to go like this (showing an embracing arm) to take a picture with him (the Mariner Moose) when he pushed me out of the way, and hit my arm and neck, and hit my stomach,” he said.

The Moose then walked off, Aguilar said, leaving him and those around him completely baffled.

“I was like, ‘What’s going on?’” he said. “There were more people there, and they were like, ‘What’s his deal? Why’d he do that to you?”‘

Aguilar wants the Mariners to pay the medical bill that he incurred after the alleged incident. He also wants the Moose to be disciplined. I’m no moose farmer or anything but I’m pretty sure you don’t discipline a moose. Quite the opposite. He should have watched “When Moose Attack” or read “What To Do About Aggressive Moose” from the Alaska Department of Fish and Game. You step to a moose and you get dealt with. That’s how it do in the Emerald City. Forget Jesus. Nobody fucks with the Moose. That goes for first ballot Hall of Famers too.

Avram Grant’s House of Ill Repute

You hate freedom if you didn’t take this weekend and salute William Taft. Shame on you. Speaking of people with no shame, we have news of more sexual stupidity from Chelsea players, someone getting beat down by some 6’2″ karma and a mascot taking a voodoo style beating.

Cashley Takes The Wrong Lesson From Greg Oden

Ashley Cole may be the best left defender in England. Unfortunately his playing skills bear no relation to his intellect. He’s in trouble again after texting pictures of himself in various stages of clothing to another woman who isn’t his wife. He was recently busted for the same thing but explained it away as a joke saying a friend sent the pictures. It’ll be hard to use the same excuse now that another woman has stepped forward with naked pictures and multiple texts from him on her phone.

The unidentified woman received pictures similar to the ones received by the first woman in addition to over 300 text messages begging her not to share the texts with anyone else. Stay classy, Cashley. Let’s see if he has as much luck getting Cheryl back as John Terry did getting his Toni back. It’ll be hard for him to say that she’s not justified in Bridging her gap at this point.

Karma Is A 6 foot 4 inch bitch for Craig Bellamy

Manchester City striker claims to be a misunderstood individual. He may have invested over £450,000 of his own money into a soccer academy in Sierra Leone and pledged a further £850,000 but he still seems to find trouble. He’s fought with managers, fellow players and fans. Trouble finally found him outside a Cheshire nightclub.

Bellamy had his ass handed to him by a 6’4″ Manchester United supporter following a night on the town.

A Man United fan battered the Man City striker splitting his head open and sending him flying. The 6ft 2in attacker - built like a rugby player - continued pounding 5ft 9in Bellamy as he lay sprawled on the ground.

… An onlooker said: “The guy hit Bellamy five or six times. He [pummeled] him in the face.”

Bellamy declined to press charges but it’s unclear what started the beatdown. He was out with teammate Wayne Bridge but it isn’t alleged that he was involved in the fight.

Maybe Bellamy was jumped by a supporter of a rival club or maybe he started talking shit and paid the price. Does it matter? If he wants to be seen as a changed man and start being recognized for his good deeds, he needs to start avoiding situations like these on and off the pitch. That means not hitting subdued fans, taking gold clubs to teammate’s heads or threatening to fake injuries or leave a club when he doesn’t get his way.

John Terry Avoiding The Wrong Sexual Organs

John Terry may be in Dubai salvaging his marriage again but he still doesn’t have his priorities straight. He can’t say no to the vagina but he has no problem saying no to cancer awareness.

The mascot pictured above is a “campaigner for male cancer awareness”. Apparently all male cancers can be symbolized by a walking pair of balls named Mr. Testicles. Yes, that’s his name. Everton attempted to have Terry pose with Mr. Testicles as a show of solidarity before their match with Chelsea. He declined. One might be able to let him slide considering recent events in his life.

Ain’t that a kick in the dick? It’s easy to feel sorry for Mr. Testicles as it must be difficult to get people to pose with him even though he represents a good cause. A declined photo op still has to be better than getting nailed in the “face” with a soccer ball.

Derby County v Birmingham City
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Does Mr. Testicles feel phantom pain like the Crimson Twins every time someone catches it in the balls? These are the questions that consume the Deuce.

It’s bad enough that the sky is about to drop a Kraken-sized snow deuce on the East Coast and trap people inside their homes or local bars. The resulting cabin fever will be made worse by the realization that football is over. My Sundays are now pointless save the occasional Sunday Chelsea match that I’ll be able to use as a reason to start a marathon drinking session early in the morning.

The New Orleans Saints and their fans lucky enough to be in New Orleans still get to celebrate a Super Bowl win and Mardi Gras at the same time. They need to make it count like the 1980 New Orleans Saints. They knew how to party like Pacman Jones.

… The big problem was drugs. Years later Don Reese, a defensive lineman, talked about it to Sports Illustrated. Reese and running back Chuck Muncie were free-basing cocaine in training camp. Four games into the season, Muncie was traded when Coach Dick Nolan realized he was bad news.

… “It was raining and no one was in a good mood, ” he said. “After practice, Don Reese comes in and starts talking about how some of the veterans weren’t doing their job. It didn’t sit well with [Derland] Moore. One thing led to another. Suddenly, I’m watching the kind of fight they must have had in those wild-west saloons. This one was in an NFL locker room, no helmets, no pads, just bare knuckles and plenty of rage.”

… “I never punched anyone harder in my life,” said Moore. “I seriously wanted to kill that man. I was punching him so hard in his face his head cocked back and hit the cinder-block wall. He just got up and shook it off. You don’t do that without being on something.”

Reese, who was suspended for the final four games, said, “they had to gang up on me to hold me down. I was hysterical. I couldn’t stop fighting. I wanted to kill Moore. It was my messed up mind doing it, because I actually liked Derland Moore.”

Now that’s how you party! From now on, that’s how you party! The 1980 Saints were freebasing and brawling while being epic losers. Just imagine the potential of the 2009 Saints. Super Bowl champions. Mardi Gras. Tom Benson should be on the phone to Sen. David Vitter demanding that he deliver the choicest hookers Louisiana has to offer. Delivering constituent services is just as important as servicing lobbyists. Who dat indeed.