“Sir, some Manischewitz to go along with your pigeon steak?”

Who knew Mike Tyson was down with the kashrut? He’s come a long way from throwing down on Evander Holyfield’s ear which is definitely not kosher.

Tyson is allegedly in talks with Moshe Malamud, chairman of the Franklin Mint collectibles company, about opening a chain of high-end kosher restaurants. They recently met to discuss the idea at a New York restaurant.

The former champ, who was Muslim at last check, went vegan earlier this year. While it may not have “been long enough for [the] kind of Zen shit” that comes from vegan “explosions of energy”, Tyson swears he’s done eating meat.

Anyone who thinks Iron Mike can’t pull this venture off needs to kill that noise. Remember how he handled tea service?

Tyson does have a history of being taken for his money by business associates. He might want to watch Malamud. You’ve seen those Franklin Mint commercials. Would you trust anyone who sells a quarter for $2? No way, Jose. Expensive quarters and cannolis can step the fuck off like Gigantor.

H/T to Eater for the heads up.

HBO Gives Heavyweight Boxing The Gas Face

If there’s one thing Gilbert Gottfried can do besides kill on Bob Saget’s roast, it’s play a crooked record company executive. It’s not a stretch to think that he could play a boxing promoter or manager. HBO should have called him, MC Serch, Prime Minister Pete Nice and Don Newkirk out of retirement to help them make their latest boxing announcement.

HBO is officially out of the heavyweight boxing business due to the lack of competition.

Ross Greenburg, HBO sports president said on Wednesday that it was down to the paucity of credible American heavyweights.

“’We’re out of the heavyweight division. There isn’t any interest in the US and no one besides Haye to challenge the Klitschkos.”

Greenburg is stating what most boxing fans have been saying for years. The heavyweight division has been in decline since the fall of Mike Tyson. Evander Holyfield was a warrior but not on the same level as Tyson in his prime. He’s still fighting even though he’s a shell of his former self. He’s a joke at this point.

Lennox Lewis, in the words of Clubber Lang, was a “paper champion”. He fought a broken Tyson and cowardly retired so he wouldn’t have to accept a rematch against Vitaly Klitschko who was beating his ass before the fight was stopped due to a vicious cut over the Ukranian’s eye.

The best fights these days are in the lower divisions where younger and hungrier fighters thrive. No one is interested in watching a tomato can like John Ruiz fight another overweight chump for some random belt. The Klitschko brothers are a huge draw in Europe but most Americans aren’t interested in them.

One can find numerous reasons for the heavyweight division’s current predicament. The move from free to pay-per-view TV and Don King are a good start.

Promoter Bob Arum says it is about the characters. “If the heavyweight champion of the world was LeBron James or Michael Jordan, heavyweight boxing would be flying high,” he told Telegraph Sport.

Historian Bert Sugar concurs. “The problem is they can earn ten times the money and these days the big guys are scared of being hit,” added Sugar.

Sugar and other boxing experts claim Haye could make it in the US but he would have to beat the Klitschkos then fight over here. There seems to be little chance of that happening. He talks plenty of shit but continues to run from both brothers. Would he be able to save the division even if he came to the US after beating a Klitschko? Who would he fight? No one’s interested in any American heavyweight currently out there. It won’t be long until Butterbean and Oliver McCall get another shot at legitimacy.

HBO should just stick with the lower divisions until another maladjusted kid comes around to send opponents to Bolivian then eat their children like Tyson. Until then, heavyweights can take a seat next to MC Hammer and PW Botha.

Ah the hell with it. Here you go. Enjoy.

Holy Calamity! Evander Holyfield Is God’s Enforcer

So…How’s Your Girl by Handsome Boy Modeling School was rather tight. Holy Calamity was only one of the hits that will never die from their first album. You know what else won’t die? Evander Holyfield’s boxing career. He refuses to call it a day. When he’s not in the ring turning his brain into oatmeal, he likes to stay in shape by beating on his wife.

Candi Holyfield applied for a protective order against Evander after he allegedly abused her in front of their two children. The circumstances surrounding the incident are a bit…um, well, judge for yourself.

Candi Holyfield accuses her husband of hitting her in the face, the back of her head, and on her back during the middle of the night, according to the petition for temporary protective order.

“He got up and turned the light on and started looking at my face and told me he was sorry, that he knew he shouldn’t have done that,” Candi Holyfield stated in the petition.

The incident allegedly began because the heat was cut off in the couple’s home, and Candi Holyfield attempted to discuss it with her husband.

“He told me that I was only thinking about myself,” Candi Holyfield stated. “He started telling me that I needed to start putting God first in my life.”

Candi and the kids need to stop being so selfish when it comes to maintaining proper body temperature. ConEd, Pepco and those other utilities don’t provide the heat that God does. This is the last month I pay my utility bill.

One has to ask why the heat is being turned off in Holyfield’s house. In his defense, he has more children than a Sudanese refugee camp. The child support payments must be more than Albania’s legal GNP.

Who would have thought that Mike Tyson would end up with a better reputation after all these years? He’s in box office hits, the Golden Globes and Dancing With The Stars while his old nemesis turns into Rocky V with a domestic abuse problem.