By now you’ve heard the curious case of Dirk Nowitzki, the Texas Rangers, and the first pitch of the World Series. Marc Stein, the ESPN NBA reporter who looks like the kid from “Two and a Half Men,” noted on Tuesday that the Rangers nominated Nowitzki to do the honors for at least one game in Arlington but that recommendation was nixed by MLB — mainly because they wanted to show solidarity with their idiot NBA brethren (Really? The same league that allows teams to pay crappy role players $20M a year?). Just before Game 1 last night, Sports Illustrated baseball reporter and hash tag abuser Jon Heyman tweeted that this wasn’t the case as Texas actually wanted beloved geriatric QB/finance baron Roger Staubach instead. Whatever. As I’ve written here before, the Deuce is about answers, not questions. So Dirk is out until NBA players win back the right to pay the likes of Carlos Arroyo $17M a year. Well, until that happens, here are some real Texas alternatives:

1. George W. Bush

Hey, it’s not like the former owner of the team has got anything else going on. Besides, the last time the guy threw out the first pitch of Game 3 of the World Series, this happened. After the tumultuous eight years Bushy had in the Oval Office, he owes us at least that much.

2. Larry Hagman

Native Texannoted alcohol abuser, and the star of another terrible TV remake. Isn’t that the dream/destiny of every young girl in the DFW area?

3. Willie Nelson

This would also work because not only could he throw out the first pitch, he could also sing the national anthem, thereby sparing us another shoehorning of Fox’s latest reality freak show winner. No joke, I’d feel more patriotic listening to Dr. Booger sing “Always On My Mind” after smoking a pound of ganj than another American Idol “winner” putting their own “spin” on the national anthem. Gah.

4. The “Rich Texan” from the Simpsons

Like most rich Texans, he is crazy, gun-loving, and actually from Connecticut.

5. Sam Elliott

Hell, he practically does the voice over for all of the commercials already. Why not have him stride out to the pitcher’s mound with a Coors Original in one hand, a smoke in his mouth, and a 20 ounce rib-eye in his back pocket? What’s more Texas than that?

For more Texas bashing, follow Duke Jackson on Twitter: @Duke_Jackson

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