Who’s the next England player to be busted cheating on his wife with prostitutes? Wayne Rooney, come on down! He may not be scoring on the pitch but he sure knows how to put it in when it comes to the hoes.

Rooney was busted for cheating on his wife Colleen with Jennifer Thompson, a £1,000-a-night prostitute, while she was pregnant with their son. He slept with Thompson on several occasions over four months.

You might remember Rooney from previous hooker episodes such as Over 50 Whores. He apologized to his wife back then but was forced to come clean this weekend.

Rooney now expects betrayed Coleen to throw him out of their £5million mansion in Cheshire and begin moves for an explosive divorce. He told a pal yesterday: “My life is in ruins…I’ve been so stupid. Coleen won’t forgive me this time. She will leave me.”

No one has ever accused the striker of being intelligent. They not only stayed in the same hotel every time they hooked up but he also took her out on dates to various Manchester bars and clubs.

Of course, Thompson had no problem selling her story to the Mirror. Some of the details were mundane and what you would expect. However there were some interesting tidbits. He sent her loads of text messages as one would expect. However he also talked to her on Skype under a false name. What? Here’s FourFourTwo’s James Maw’s reaction via Twitter:

If that’s not enough to make this suspect, Thompson is only 21. That’s way too young for Rooney. Then again, we could be wrong. He may take them 8 to 80, dumb, crippled and crazy.

Regardless, Rooney knows Colleen’s going to come around saying, “Wayne, I want half!” Endorsements? Ask Tiger Woods how those are going for him right now.

To be a fly on the wall during Alex Ferguson’s next face to face conversation with Rooney. He’ll pray for the hair dryer treatment.

What is it with athletes and stupid car tricks? First, Manchester United’s Anderson barely escapes an exploding car after driving into the wall of a barn. Now video of a police chase involving Tyreke Evans of the Sacramento Kings has been released.

Evans was racing his purple Mercedes at speeds close to 130 MPH down a Sacramento highway over Memorial Day weekend. He was allegedly racing a friend. A police helicopter managed to track him until he could be pulled over.

This video screams for some Sheriff John Bunnell narration. “Evans may be a king on the basketball court but the California Highway Patrol is still king of the road.”

Evans and his friend both plead no contest to reckless driving charges. There’s no word on whether he was also charged for driving a purple car. Purple only belongs on Amigos and Prince.

Want more about famous people and cars? How about Captain Jean-Luc Picard talking about heavy petting in the back of a Jaguar and racing a crappy Suzuki?

Sit down, Albert Contador. Your Tour de France dick move was impressive but it’s the slow season. Enjoy your dirty cycling win.

Here’s a real contender from South Africa. Watch Supersport double their lead over the Golden Arrows in hilarious and emasculating fashion.

I don’t know about you but if I’m that Arrows keeper, I’m going into that guy like Paul Scholes and Roy Keane on a normal day.

It’s been a minute since we’ve thrown a soccer roundup at you so let’s get to it. Get your proper soccer news and analysis elsewhere. Here come the dirt and gossip.

Nobody Circles The Whores Like Ashley Cole

You have to hand it to Chelsea and England defender Ashley Cole. He may be as dumb as a sack of tar balls but he certainly knows how to get over a nasty breakup. Just do what got you in trouble in the first place.

Cole’s ex-wife, Cheryl filed for divorce after repeated incidents of cheating by the star. That wasn’t going to keep him down. If he can’t have Cheryl, he’ll take the next best thing. A stripper who looks like Cheryl. Check and mate, woman.

“[Sarah Purnell] hasn’t got a bad word to say about him and has defended him when people have tried to have a go about Cheryl or the end of his marriage.

…Ashley has not done anything sleazy at all and has been extremely charming with her. He seems to really care for Sarah.

“He even told her she looks the spitting image of Cheryl but she’s getting used to that.”

Oh you stupid, stupid woman. Have fun with that and stay classy, Cashley. Every woman wants to hear that she looks exactly like an ex.

Adidas Strikes Back

Most people, even those who don’t follow sports religiously like we do, have seen the Nike “Write The Future” ad starring Nike’s impressive roster of soccer stars. Adidas came back with their version of the cantina scene from Star Wars. It may not have as many big soccer names as Nike’s ad but they make up for it with a strong lineup of musical heavyweights. See how many you can pick out, my nizzles.

Buffoona Buffoona Has Room For Benni McCarthy

Ashley Cole’s woman problems certainly haven’t hurt his form or place on the England squad in South Africa. Too bad the same can’t be said for West Ham and former South Africa striker Benni McCarthy.

McCarthy was cut from the South African national team (also known as Bafana Bafana) because he was overweight and physically out of shape. However, that wasn’t the only problem. It turns out he was also “entertaining girls” during training camp. Manager Carlos Parreira found out and bounced him and keeper Rowan Fernandez from the squad. The upside is McCarthy will now have plenty of time to entertain the ladies and have them stuff his face with bunny chow.** Winner winner bunny dinner.

**Bunny chow isn’t made from bunnies although we suspect that P.W. Botha and F.W. de Klerk demanded baby rabbits in their chow.

Let’s Take Another Opportunity To Laugh At Dimitar Berbatov

Current England captain Rio Ferdinand didn’t waste any time taking after former captain John Terry. At least he’s stating his intentions on video instead of creeping around the backs of his teammates. Watch him do his best Disco Stu impression for the “benefit” of some hapless secret admirer.

What woman wouldn’t appreciate a secret admirer message from Captain Rio? One can only assume this message was followed up by a picture of Ben Roethlisberger’s gray dick.

Several years ago, some friends bought a celebrity message and got Fred Berry to call our friend on his birthday. What’s better than getting a call from Rerun? Birthday service from Dee Dee. Hey hey hey! Yeah. I’ll show myself out.