Where my dogs at? Not in Warrington if they can help it. Joel Monaghan just moved to town and he’s looking for some service.

You might remember Monaghan from such episodes as getting his dick sucked by a dog and filming it. He quit playing for his Canberra team and hid for two months while avoiding the internet and newspapers.

The canine lothario eventually fled to England where he joined rugby league Warrington Wolves. However don’t think his new team isn’t giving him a hard time.

It was a slightly surreal interview today as in the background Lee Briers, who remains in denial of his role as one of Warrington’s elder statesmen, was barking at regular intervals, and later wondered aloud why the club’s media officers had not played Who Let the Dogs Out before Monaghan’s press conference.

Monaghan has another thing coming if he thinks that it’s going to be any easier for him. He scored a try in his first game this past weekend. No idea how he did with the local dogs afterwards. However if he wants to score with the dogs, we hear Newcastle is the place to go. Hope his pick up lines are better than DMX’s.

If you know or have audio of any Leigh songs referring to Monaghan, pass them along.

“Like to thank the fans who booed me off the pitch. Where’s that going to get you! I hope you all die.”

Guess who tweeted that. If you guessed Chris Brown, you’re wrong. No homophobic references or threats to beat up women. Ronnie Turiaf or Matt Barnes? Nope. Obviously not referring to a Twitter prostitute who they want to shut up because she’s bragging about sucking them off. However you’re getting close. It is an athlete. Oh wait, the picture and post title probably gave it away.

Marvin Morgan just joined the pantheon of athletes who screwed themselves by going overboard on Twitter. He was booed off the pitch after being substituted in a match against Hereford on Monday. He responded on Twitter with the message above and his team, League Two’s Aldershot dropped the bomb on him.

Morgan was suspended, fined two weeks’ salary and put on the transfer list. The club’s statement reads as follows:

“The player accepted that his conduct was totally misguided and inappropriate and he accepts that his actions were incorrect and ill disciplined.

“Accepting that his actions had been foolish he explained that they had been made in the heat of the moment and apologised for the distress he had caused.

“The football club are satisfied that the player meant no malice with his comments. However they were completely irresponsible and contrary to the values of Aldershot Town Football Club. The player has also undermined the good work that he and his colleagues have done servicing the local community.

“The club is also of the opinion that careful consideration is required for all future use of social networking sites by players and staff as a means of communication.

“The hearing decided to fine the player the maximum two weeks’ penalty during which time he will be absent from the club. He has also been placed on the transfer list.”

Several teams are already interested in the Twitter Killer. Sky Sports is reporting that League One Dagenham and Redbridge appear to be the team who will take him on loan for the rest of the season. By the way, their nickname is The Daggers. How convenient is that? Now Morgan doesn’t have to wish death on Aldershot fans. He can make it happen like Mariah Carey. He’ll get to work on that when he gets the ceremonial dagger that I assume is presented to all new Daggers players. It’s stabbin’ time!

The 3.5 long-time readers of the Deuce or people who are familiar with me know that I’ve followed Chelsea for years. Believe you me when I tell you I’m pissed at the way transfers have worked out since last summer. Chelsea owner “Uncle” Roman Abramovich better start splashing the cash on proper players and stop trying to half ass it this month. Then again maybe I and other Chelsea fans should cut him some slack. Transfers haven’t been his thing lately. Here come three recent examples. Wrote a post about it. Like to read it? Here it go.

1. Chelsea, through Abramovich’s wallet, have had pretty good luck getting Africans into the UK. Didier Drogba and Michael Essien among others. Recently it seems like he’s getting cocky after slipping John Obi Mikel and Salomon Kalou’s useless ass into the country. Now he’s just trying to import Africans en masse. Too bad he didn’t count on the British High Commission.

Our favorite oligarch attempted to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro in 1998. He failed miserably due to altitude issues. The lesson was never try.** He was helped down by local porters who were hired to help him climb the mountain. He promised to fly them to London for a Chelsea match as a way to show his gratitude. Unfortunately the British government didn’t trust that they would return to Tanzania after the match. They ended up getting an all-expense paid trip to Moscow for a match instead. It probably came with a skinhead and police beatdown.

Good on Roman for offering to fly them to London but we’re sure he just wanted them around to carry him from Stamford Bridge to his home(s) or wherever else he needs to go. Everyone can see the toll it’s taking on Drogba, Essien, Mikel and Kalou. They need to focus on getting Chelsea back into the top 4 and they can’t do that when they’re on call 24/7. For the love of Gbagbo*, Drogba has malaria!

2. Abramovich is also making bad transfer decisions outside his business life as well. He threw a New Year’s Eve party at his $90 million St. Bart’s estate. One would hope that a man of his means would have discriminating taste like that rich Russian guy on the DirecTV commercials with the mini-giraffe. He doesn’t (beyond his soccer team and girlfriend).

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It seems like it was only yesterday that the Penn State mascot was arrested again for drunken debauchery and the Cincinnati Bearcat was getting a beatdown from the cops.

Preston North End’s mascot Deepdale Duck is in trouble again. This time he was sent off for harrassing Derby County keeper Steven Bywater during their New Year’s day match. Video of the offending duck here.

This incident wasn’t the first time Deepdale ran into trouble with opposing goalkeepers. Here’s video of him pissing off a Sunderland keeper to the point of catching a water bottle in the bill.

Apparently he also got in a BBC reporter’s face without his head during a broadcast during the Derby match.

Deepdale isn’t surly all the time. Here he is bonding with the public while wearing a sandwich board. Mmmmm samiches.

I don’t know what that duck’s on but I want some now. When was the last time you saw someone with a sandwich board who was that friendly? Most of them look like they’d stab you in the gut sooner than look at you.

Neighbors probably became nervous when Peter Postlethwaite showed up at their door to offer a proposition or just borrow some sugar. Kobayashi (not the competitive eater) succumbed to cancer yesterday at the age of 64. He was known to most as Kayser Soze’s right hand man but his career was much more than his supporting role in The Usual Suspects.

We’ll get back to the sports in a minute but we figured we’d learn you a bit about Postlethewaite. He played the father of Daniel Day-Lewis in In The Name of the Father. Language NSFW.

Postlethwaite was also wrecked by an alien in Alien 3. Unfortunately I couldn’t find YouTube of the kill. He was also in Jurassic Park 2: Electric Boogaloo, Amistad, The Constant Gardener and Inception.

Besides Postlethwaite’s movie work, he was also in numerous TV series. He made his start on stage and eventually returned to it in King Lear.

When these actors come through town on stage, go see them. It’s worth it. I’m talking actors like Postlethwaite and Patrick Stewart. Feel free to skip the Brendan Frasers. Then again if I have to tell you that, you’re already a lost cause.

The Guardian has a strong retrospective of clips covering Postlethwaite’s career. Check them out here.

UPDATE: A friend from Warrington just informed me that Postlethwaite is from Warrington and not Liverpool. He’s not the only one. Tim Curry is also a Warringtonian as is Ian Brown, formerly of the Stone Roses.

The infamous Rick Astley hails from there as well. That’s more than famous for those of you not in the know. You may know him from such hits as Together Forever and Cry for Help. You may even have been rickrolled.

She also informed me that Warrington is home to Britain’s first IKEA. They also have welly wanging competitions. I assumed that’s slang for wanking but apparently it’s “throwing a welly”. It’s “like tossing the caber”. Well that clears it up. That’s knowledge for life, people.