MMA expert Turd Ferguson addresses the recent addition of Brock Lesnar to UFC’s reality show, “The Ultimate Fighter.”

Although rumors of his departure to fight “The Undertaker” at WrestleMania have been loud, a much more likely destination for Brock Lesnar since his loss to Cain Velasquez would have been out exploring the Adirondacks, hunting and killing his food each and every day and growing a beard that would rival those worn by the members of ZZ Top.

Instead, UFC President Dana White announced undefeated Junior Dos Santos (6-0 in UFC), and Lesnar (5-2), will be the coaches on the upcoming 13th season of “The Ultimate Fighter.” The two heavyweights will also fight in June with the winner receiving a shot at Velasquez (12-1), who is holed up waiting to undergo surgery on the torn rotator cuff he suffered in his victory over Lesnar. Lay down a triangle until I tap ESPN:

The season will feature welterweight fighters and follow the same format as recent seasons. A field of 28 fighters is reduced to 14 official cast members by elimination fights usually aired on the first episode.

Welterweights? That’s only 170 lbs! Consider this: Lesnar walks the earth at around 300 lbs most of the year -he likely has bowel movements that weigh more than the guys he is going to be training. Brock is also famous for being reclusive, preferring to live and train in low-key, small town, ultra-white Minnesota rather than in more popular areas like Las Vegas, Arizona, or California (popular for fighting, partying, whatever!). He is also not known as someone who seeks advice from a lot of other fighters or for using his words. In addition, he’s not known as someone who enjoys being on camera, which is anathema to people like Tito Ortiz…or Ortiz’ wife when she’s making a living.

I guess what I’m saying is, get ready to see some UFC door smashing.

Taping of the show is set to begin later this month, debuting on Spike TV March 30. Now that Monday Night Football may be gone for the foreseeable future (as owners attempt to gouge the players), I guess it’s either this or reruns of “The Golden Girls.”

In case you haven’t noticed, MMA has been in the headlines lately.  Expect a lot from our resident MMA-Expert Turd Ferguson in the coming days.  Here, T.F. weighs in on the rumored departure of former Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar.

In the 1980’s, professional wrestlers were real-life gladiators, confronting the dual challenges of vanishing scrotums and hairlines against the physical limitations of excessive weightlifting and zero cardio. On any given night, in arenas across the country, well-oiled hot dog-resembling hard bodies would collide for the coveted WWF championship; a gaudy belt that all but guaranteed its owner a bounty of lap dances and boilermakers in all the finest strip clubs and truck stops across the land. His likeness would also adorn only the dirtiest, sweatiest, and tightest cotton t-shirts that trailer-dwellers could purchase. Mock if you must, dear reader, but to the broad array of folks sustaining our mobile home industry, these athletes represented living gods.

Today, like most sports, pro wrestling has evolved. WrestleMania is now a bigger draw than ever, with cities bidding for the right to host it like those dudes in “Hostel.” Every spring, Vince “Clean living” McMahon throws a White Trash Woodstock extravaganza that’s nothing short of a GWAR concert. Please know that WrestleMania is oh, much more than merely a rite of passage for the flyover states, Tea Party activists, and Girls Gone Wild litigants; indeed, it’s more like a monster-truck rally rolled into a porn convention sprinkled with an Insane Clown Posse concert.

Brock Lesnar knows this, but do you?

Famous “journalist” for “non-sports sports” (and probably National Closet-Masturbating Champion) Dave Meltzer, reports Brock “Erik the Red” Lesnar is eyeballing a return to the WWE much like he probably eyeballs a vial of Winstrol just before he takes that big injection in his bum (GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE GUTTER! I’m talking about ‘roids!).

Meltzer reports Lesnar could pocket $2M to take on “The Undertaker,” who is a whopping 18-0 in Wrestlemania -the greatest fake sports record after Barry Bonds and Wilt Chamberlain. Lesnar’s star is never going to be any brighter, and apparently he wants a big check to step into the squared circle before going back to real fights (and sports).

Of course, we would be remiss if we did not mention the fact that Lesnar is somewhat infamous for his inability to stay in one place for too long, much like myself on Father’s Day or during a certain Christian holiday that demands a sustained presence with your offspring and a gift exchange. Lesnar was a big draw in the WWE from 2002-2004 but left $45M on the table so he could try out for the Los Angeles Minnesota Vikings as a defensive lineman. A motorcycle accident derailed his efforts and led to his eventual release.  Subsequently, Lesnar began his MMA career in 2007.

Still, if Lesnar wants to slip back on the black trunks and boots for a quick payday against the ‘Taker, I say do it. The Rock did this several times while he was off making crappy movies and even over-the-hill athletes like Lawrence Taylor, Pete Rose, Mike Tyson, and Mr. T have stepped into the squared circle and put their lives and reputations on the line. At this point in his career, Lesnar’s situation isn’t much different.

UFC 121: The Jury is Out On Brock Lesnar

Coming off of an impressive run-down of UFC 120 and a delayed trial, Deuce of Davenport resident MMA expert Turd Ferguson is back with another in-depth look at Saturday’s UFC 121 pay-per-view.

We get a lot of questions about old T.F.  Is he really the miscreant he makes himself out to be?  How can he know so much about MMA when he’s constantly on the run from the law?  Are the rumors true that he’s really a 120-pound hipster living in solitude in a friend’s shed in Cleveland?  I was given special access to T.F.’s lair this past weekend and let me tell you: the answer to these questions is pretty much, “yes.”  Or maybe not.  Possibly.  We just don’t know.  But I do know this: he gets it done.  Back by popular demand, your UFC 121 run-down:  

Read the rest of this entry

Deuce of Davenport reached out to MMA die-hard Turd Ferguson to provide another UFC PPV recap.  Yeah, I know it’s late.  I was on vacation.  So sue me.  With my apologies to TF, his expert take is below:

Like any movie will tell you, the Fourth of July holiday is about spending time with your family and celebrating America’s big “F-U” to the British that kick-started this whole crazy nation.  Thus, we have a duty to set off illegal fireworks, drink too much, and be detained for operating a jet ski without ownership or a license while intoxicated (Word up, Kenny f’n Powers!)

In a similar vain, I feel like I have an obligation to watch UFC 116.  So, I wasn’t about to let a small thing like a court order from D.C. family court prevent me from fleeing the District for the thug mansion of deadbeat dads: South Florida.  

I have been with UFC since the early days and when UFC 116 finally rumbled about, I knew I had to be there to hold its hand during the contractions, celebrate its birth, cut the chord, and then brazenly take off after pretending to go down the hall to get a cup of coffee.  

UFC 116 was holding some serious cards, specifically the heavyweight showdown between Brock Lesnar and Shane Carwin. This fight was huge, as if Poseidon and Zeus fought on Mount Olympus while the other gods took shots of Ouzo, nailed their lonely relatives, and interfered in foreign wars.   

Going into this bout, undefeated Shane Carwin, who was 12-0 and never took a fight into the second round, faced Shrek look-alike Brock Lesnar, who when not dying from life-threatening diseases, probably punishes his wife Sable like only a real man can (That’s a sex joke!  Not domestic violence!).

Clap slow for me, Mel Gibson, while the women in the room take pictures on their phones for evidence… Before the police come for me, here’s what I was able to recap:  

Seth Petruzelli vs. Ricardo Romero
The guy who single handedly destroyed EliteXC, Seth “Kimbo Killer” Petruzelli got put down by Ricardo Romero with an arm bar in the 2nd round.  

And somewhere, Kimbo Slice was nursing an appletini in a South Florida establishment in between accompanying Reality Kings talent to a bat mitzvah at $75 an hour.  

Brendan Schaub vs. Chris Tuchscherer
Slice’s former co-star for Season 10 of “The Ultimate Fighter,” Brendan Schaub, made his return to UFC to make very quick work of Chris Tuchscherer, basically beating this guy silly until the referee intervened and spared Dana White of having to pay out another wrongful death claim.  

Gerald Harris vs. Dave Branch
Since Schaub finished faster than me with a new copy of Hustler, we were quickly on to match #2 on the night.  Gerald Harris took on Dave Branch in a fight that doubled as a dance recital in the early going.  Things looked pretty even until Harris basically pulled a “Rampage” on Branch, who may now be eating apple sauce for dinner.  Harris received praise from commentators for holding a fist after the slam knocked out Branch but then he took his wallet and keys and left the arena through the men’s bathroom window. 

Stephen Bonnar vs. Krystof Soszynski
Pirouetting to the next bout, Stephen Bonnar fought Krystof Soszynski in a rematch from an earlier fight I never knew happened but was thoroughly entertained by.  Both fighters came out teeing off on each other like groupies in Kanye’s hotel suite, and when the dust settled, “The American Psycho” Bonnar took the W at 2:08 in the second round.    

Chris Lytle vs. Matt Brown
Chris Lytle took out his aggression for (likely) being made fun of for having a stupid name on Matt Brown, catching him with a beautiful arm bar at 2:02 in the second round.  

As a side note, by this point in the night, I was so drunk that the pizza delivery place around the corner from me had hung up thrice, assuming each time that it was a crank call. My previous attempts to exchange a phony bomb-threat for a large double pepperoni and 2-liter of coke were to no avail… My notes are similarly unhelpful…

Chris Leben vs. Yoshihiro Akiyama
The co-main event for this evening was easily the best bout of the night as Chris “The Crippler” Leben took on Yoshihiro Akiyama in a bout that Leben needed for redemption after some questions arose about his control and focus.  Leben also took this fight on short notice after last fighting during the TUF 11 Season Finale a couple weeks ago.  Great back and forth for these two fighters with Leben getting woozy on his feet before catching Akiyama with a triangle that ended the fight deep in the third round.

CELBRITY UPDATE: Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid sat ringside for UFC 116 because he’s trying to keep his job.  Reid later challenged Sharron Angle inside the octagon for UFC 117.  Angle’s camp has yet to respond.  By the way, Lesnar’s not a fan of the healthcare bill, Harry, so best to keep close to the exits…    

Brock Lesnar vs. Shane Carwin
The main event to unify the heavyweight championships saw two behemoths duking it out like a pair of besmirched mothers on a Saturday afternoon in a Toledo Chuck E. Cheese’s (raise your hand if you’ve been in one of those corners before).  Give Carwin credit for rocking Lesnar immediately and taking him to the limit like we have not seen before.  Oh, side note to Carwin: switch pit crews.  You looked like a NASCAR driver who ran out of gas after a few laps.  As Carwin looked ready for a nap at the beginning of the second round, Lesnar helped him get to sleep by locking on a choke and getting the tap for the victory.  

Although Lesnar didn’t indicate whether or not he planned on being intimate with his wife (like at UFC 100) or denounce any major corporate sponsors, he did declare himself “still the toughest SOB around.”  I would have to agree.  Sorry I said you looked like “Shrek,” sir.