Hooker and insulin enthusiast and smalltime baby calf sexpot Jason Whitlock has written a number of columns that seek to induce deep thought; including his piece on the true definition of prostitution. Did you know that merely exchanging money for implicit or explicit sexual favors is not really prostitution!? Jason Whitlock does. How else do you think he can get anyone to even mount his rippedling waterbedesque body, reeking of chipotle BBQ sauce and Doritos.

Because sports is such a limiting topic for an intellectual heavyweight like Whitlock; he has decided to weigh in on the story that dropped like a ton of bricks last week from an unauthorized biography on former Alaska Governor and real American Sarah Palin.

Turns out that Palin may like her coffee black; at least she did in the 1980′s. So because of this (unlikely to be) true revelation from unverified sources for a controversial biography; Jason Whitlock is dropping knowledge on us all like a Wendy’s restroom after a Big Bacon Classic Combo.

I owe Sarah Palin an apology.

I apologize for sweating, and panting on you…from across the room.

I’d never understood the true essence of this magnificent, brilliant woman…

(rereads the name on the column)

But the alleged new revelations in Joe McGinniss’ much-anticipated biography about the political figure reveal an affinity and connection to basketball that I had no way of anticipating.

First of all, I have never heard of McGinniss before and I read a fair bit of political biography (adjusts monocle). Secondly, this book has more anonymous sources then Stephen A. Smith, meaning he’s a goddamn liar, like Jim Tressel.

Given the year-round cold weather in Alaska, was there any way to know that Sare Bear once enjoyed playing blacktop basketball?

Ooooh snap! Whitlock just opened up a can of realness! Delicious realness, smooth, creamy…

I spent most of Wednesday afternoon daydreaming about Palin and re-evaluating my assessment of this woman of outstanding character and magnificent taste. This is a woman of great substance.

Compared to you, she’s Tom Friedman…only with smaller tits, and just a smidge less self-righteousness

I can’t believe it took me three years to understand who Sarah Palin really is. I used to compare her to Paris Hilton. I nicknamed her “Paris Palin.”

Clever.

It’s obvious now that Palin is far more Kardashian than Hilton.

Did she make a sex tape with Ray J, too?

I’m reconsidering my apathetic political views. As some of you know, I’ve never participated in our political system.

Now there’s a surprise. Surely your removal from the process will lend additional credence to Palin’s supporters and mitigate her detractors now.

She makes me want to join the Tea Party.

Good idea. From what I hear, you’re just their type, too (Except black). Let the market decide how much sexual congress should cost!

Thanks to Glen Rice, I can see Sarah Palin from my bedroom.

I think he means Erin Andrews.

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