Did you miss out on Black Friday because you had to spend time with your family?  Busy day back at work keep you away from Cyber Monday?  Still in that food coma you entered into after that fourth helping of stuffing Thursday night around 2am?  Well, I’m here to rouse you from your slumber and let you know Thanksgiving is over and the real holiday season has begun.  With Hanukkah just days away and Christmas right around the corner, it’s time to do what Americans do best: buy stuff.

Well, here at the Deuce, we do the hard work so you don’t have to.  Here are five items every sports fan should have on their holiday list:

1. The New York Yankees Ball Park Boat Shoe $119.95: Boat shoes are back in style, and what better way to show off your fashion sense than by picking up a pair of these all-white classics from Allen Edmonds?  If you can’t advertise your fandom on your shoes, how else will people know you are a desperate loner trendy preppy cut from the mold of Tom Wolfe himself?  Sad part of this story: part of me actually considered purchasing these until I realized I’d probably be wearing them when my life was involuntarily ended.

2. Miami Heat “Yes We Did” Mousepad, $10.00: A timely gift for the budget-conscious sports fan who loves a good collector’s item.  Perfect for Miami Heat fans who want to commemorate how $300M can buy you a .500 record/lead to the NBA’s first case of premediated homicide.

Football fans fight on release day for the "Jim Zorn: Bewildered Leader" coaching DVD.

3. Seattle Sounders Doggie Dish, $10.95: This gift looks so forlorn, it seems like it could use a good home.  Yes, I realize I’m talking about a ceramic dog bowl, but just thinking about this and the poor dog that is forced to drink from it makes me profoundly sad for the dog as well as the creative merchandise director who is probably collecting unemployment because of how badly this item failed.  I can think of no one who owns, or would own this.  Ok, now we’re getting to the good stuff…

4. Victor1′s “Get Coached” Video Series, $42.95:  The tagline for this item is pretty exciting: “Success: How Badly Do You Want It?”  Well, I hope more than Mike Singletary (career coaching record: 16-19 before tonight’s game), who is one of the featured coaches in this series.  Also in this set:

  • Sean Payton: Super Bowl winner, with the help of one Peyton Manning interception.
  • Bobby Bowden: Legendary coach who was unceremoniously forced out of his spot at Florida State after finishing three of his last four seasons with a 7-6 record.
  • Rex Ryan: You all know how we here at DoD feel about Rex, but let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves; he got a little lucky last year.  And he still hasn’t won anything this year (other than the respect of a million fat guys).  Hell, Barry Switzer started his career with two 12-win seasons and a Super Bowl victory.
  • Mike Ditka: author of one of the worst draft day trades ever, made the mess that Jim Haslett (and ultimately, Sean Payton) had to clean up.

What, was Rich Kotite not available?  So, yeah, I’m not too optimistic about how “badly” the makers of this video series wanted “success.”  I figured you could have at least as much “success” by giving Bill Belichick $500K and a few bootlegs of Ryan’s practices from “Hard Knocks.”  He does have more Super Bowl rings than all of them combined…

5. Trigger’s Remains, $265,500:  This is a little morbid (and incredibly expensive), but I think it serves a purpose to remind us that sentimentality is the greatest marketing play in history, and bored rich people are its easiest marks.  Although you may not be able to get Trigger’s owner to part with his remains, maybe you can aim for team mascots like Ralphie or Bevo.  Well, unless someone eats them first.

Bonus gift: All Inclusive NASCAR Package to 53rd Annual Daytona 500, from $1,625 (per person): Hey, maybe you had a good year and want to celebrate with someone special.  Maybe it’s time to put that credit limit to the test.  Either way, what better way to spend your cash than the “All-Inclusive NASCAR Package” which includes:

  • All meals and snacks (all-you-can-eat jerky?);
  • Premium infield campsites with entertainment (all-you-can-listen Kid Rock?);
  • All alcoholic beverages (all-you-can-drink Bud Diesel?).

Hey Prince William, they do bachelor parties

Happy shopping, everyone.

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