The return of football season brings back to focus a lot of things, but most notably, the blustery sportscaster.  For some odd reason, FOOTBALL may only be announced in LOUD VOICES by GUYS who speak in run-on sentences while GRUNTING.  While I love football, I’m not sure I can take another season of Chris Berman gesticulating his way through a stream of highlights or Jon Gruden speaking in coach talk for an entire season.  There’s got to be someone better.  Nevermind.

And one other thing: Berman, I don’t normally like you, but for one reason or another, the moustache looks oddly right.  Bonus points for helping kill an emerging hipster trend.  On to this very special football-only edition of headlines:

Yeah, yeah, Revis is back.  Great.  You know who I want to talk about… That’s right: Rexy!  First off, the Rex Machine made things awesome by popping his top in the whirlpool and showing off some sweet ink.  Then, he pretty much owned Revis’ agent by telling him that their negotiation was stupid because Revis still had four years left on his contract.  If that wasn’t enough, he upped the cursing and made an indirect “needledick” joke.  The man is a legend.
$50 says someone dressed in black tights and wearing dark sunglasses jumps out from underneath the mat and smashes Ocho with a steel chair.  Any guess who that might be?

People love the Bengals this year, but I just don’t see it.  It’s easy to look at Cedric Benson’s re-birth last year and think he’s figured it all out, wiping away four years of uselessness.  Meanwhile, there’s a large portion of analysts that believe T.O. and Ochocinco aren’t crazy and will actually play like it’s 2005.  Same goes for Carson Palmer, except replace “crazy” with “injured and slow.”  As my grandmother used to say, “Dream on Alice, it’s a long way to Wonderland.”  Zing!

… Holding a clipboard.  I’m still mesmorized by this country’s ability to take mediocre white-bread athletes and raise them to some annointed level of athleticism based solely on their “intangibles.”  Yeah, Tebow is exceptionally gritty.  Please.  Tebow may be good a few years from now, but right now, he’s a project.  You know who else was a project?  Kordell Stewart.  How many people refer to him as “scrappy?”
Dude, haven’t you learned anything?

Phew.  Holy crap, I was nervous about Mike McLaughlin.  After all, how often do undrafted free agents rookies get cut or injury settlements?  This is the one thing I HATE about the NFL: the over-coverage.  Por ejemplo:

Oh no, Will Witherspoon missed a practice!  How will he be ready to play?!?!?!?!  Why, he’s only had six weeks of training camp to prepare!  Thank goodness it’s not unexcused…

Jim Schwartz likes Twitter and Stefan Logan?  You don’t say!  I like Twitter, too!  But who the hell is Stefan Logan?

For the love of all things that are holy, give it a rest (ed note: it’s a new feature idea, jackass).  Oh, and Florio, stop stealing my article ideas!

Alright, that is it for me.  Everyone enjoy the games.  If you need me, I’ll be sneaking baseball scores on my phone at Public.

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