Reading Between the Headlines

The return of football season brings back to focus a lot of things, but most notably, the blustery sportscaster.  For some odd reason, FOOTBALL may only be announced in LOUD VOICES by GUYS who speak in run-on sentences while GRUNTING.  While I love football, I’m not sure I can take another season of Chris Berman gesticulating his way through a stream of highlights or Jon Gruden speaking in coach talk for an entire season.  There’s got to be someone better.  Nevermind.

And one other thing: Berman, I don’t normally like you, but for one reason or another, the moustache looks oddly right.  Bonus points for helping kill an emerging hipster trend.  On to this very special football-only edition of headlines:

• The Hard Knocks series wound down with Darrelle Revis finally joining the team in the season finale.

Yeah, yeah, Revis is back.  Great.  You know who I want to talk about… That’s right: Rexy!  First off, the Rex Machine made things awesome by popping his top in the whirlpool and showing off some sweet ink.  Then, he pretty much owned Revis’ agent by telling him that their negotiation was stupid because Revis still had four years left on his contract.  If that wasn’t enough, he upped the cursing and made an indirect “needledick” joke.  The man is a legend.

• Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco is set to appear on WWE Monday Night Raw.

$50 says someone dressed in black tights and wearing dark sunglasses jumps out from underneath the mat and smashes Ocho with a steel chair.  Any guess who that might be?

People love the Bengals this year, but I just don’t see it.  It’s easy to look at Cedric Benson’s re-birth last year and think he’s figured it all out, wiping away four years of uselessness.  Meanwhile, there’s a large portion of analysts that believe T.O. and Ochocinco aren’t crazy and will actually play like it’s 2005.  Same goes for Carson Palmer, except replace “crazy” with “injured and slow.”  As my grandmother used to say, “Dream on Alice, it’s a long way to Wonderland.”  Zing!

• Jacksonville’s only hope for a sell-out this season takes place Sunday when hometown hero Tim Tebow returns for Denver.

… Holding a clipboard.  I’m still mesmorized by this country’s ability to take mediocre white-bread athletes and raise them to some annointed level of athleticism based solely on their “intangibles.”  Yeah, Tebow is exceptionally gritty.  Please.  Tebow may be good a few years from now, but right now, he’s a project.  You know who else was a project?  Kordell Stewart.  How many people refer to him as “scrappy?”

• Ben Roethlisberger was seen practicing at a local high school.

Dude, haven’t you learned anything?

• The Baltimore Ravens reached an injury settlement with rookie fullback Mike McLaughlin.